Late December
Chicago
The Lake Clinic…
Todd walked into Simon Lake’s office, nervous and scared. Simon was
dressed casually and looked tired.
“Well Todd,” said Simon reviewing a clipboard, “Lets talk. What did you
mean by ‘fucking’ your wife?”
It was late, after midnight.
Todd swallowed, “I was looking at pictures. Starr. Téa. Thinking about
wanting - giving her what she wanted.”
His breathing was labored. Simon noted Todd’s struggle to remain calm.
Todd appeared anxious and nervous. Simon wrinkled his brow. Todd looked to
be suffering from severe anxiety.
“You thought about your wife after looking at her picture…?” questioned
Simon.
“Yeah…! Didn’t I just tell you about that?” exclaimed Todd flustered.
“Well, it’s apparent you’ve been evaluating your relationships with women.
We discussed your mother earlier today. Now, Téa. What’s the connection?
Women you’ve loved? ” asked Simon.
“Yeah. I guess. I dunno. I want my wife back!!” said a flustered Todd.
“All right. So you just fantasized that you had sex with your wife. A
woman you say you love. Why did you tell me you fucked her? Why didn’t you
say…you made love to her?” asked Simon. Again, he noticed Todd. Watching
Todd clench and unclench his fists.
“It’s Pete. Pete. That’s all I know how to do he says…fuck women…”
“What about Rodd? The romantic one? What does he tell you?” asked Simon.
“That clown?! He insists it’s making love. “I” don’t know who to
believe…” spat Todd.
“Todd, do “you” know the difference?” asked Simon.
“Yeah…I guess…” muttered Todd taking a take deep breath.
Simon wrote a note on his clipboard. “Full of anxiety over this issue.”
“What’s the difference Todd? Tell what the difference is,” said Simon.
“I…I…don’t want to fuck Téa - I want to make love to her. It’s more you
know. It’s a look, I guess. It’s doing something nice for her. It’s
making her smile. Making her happy I guess,” stammered Todd searching for
words.
Simon took a note.
“I care about Téa. I guess. I guess that’s the difference. I don’t care
when I fuck…a woman but I care about her…” said Todd.
“So you do know,” said Simon softly.
“But is it okay to think about it? To see her in my head? To touch her
but not really touch her?” asked Todd.
“Yeah. I don’t see why not. She’s your wife, Todd. It’s natural to
express yourself like this…” started Simon.
“Is it?!” asked Todd quickly, “It’s not sick?! My father would say that’s
sick!!”
“Is your father here?” asked Simon.
“No. But Pete is,” said Todd.
“And what has Pete done for you lately?” asked Simon.
Todd laughed, “Not much I guess.”
“What you did Todd - it’s all right,” stressed Simon.
“I don’t think so,” said Todd.
“What are you feeling right now? Nervous? Butterflies in your stomach?
Uneasy?” asked Simon.
“Yeah,” said Todd.
“How often do you sleep? Did you sleep at all tonight?” asked Simon.
“No,” said Todd, “I didn’t sleep.”
“That’s what I thought,” said Simon. He dug in his pockets and held up a
prescription bottle, “This is Xanax Todd. It’s a medication I use to help
treat anxiety.”
“You gonna’ give it to me?” asked Todd.
“Yeah, I am,” said Simon, “But I’ll be the one - for now who gives it to
you. When I feel comfortable that you know how to use it, I’ll let you self
administer it.”
“Why give it to me?” asked Todd.
“Because your sleep patterns stink. You need to calm down and this will
help you do just that,” said Simon. He walked into the office bathroom and
got a glass of water for Todd. He gave Todd a pill and the water and watched
Todd. Todd stared at the pill for the longest time before taking it.
Todd stood there - not knowing what to expect. Not knowing how the pill
would effect him. Suddenly a feeling of europhia passed over him. An
intense wave of relaxation. He was feeling pleasant. Not thinking of much.
Just feeling good…things.
“Whoa…” said Todd finally.
Simon walked up to Todd and escorted him back to his room. To sleep.
*****
The next morning…
Todd woke up. He didn’t remember anything about his sleep. No dreams.
Nothing. He looked at the clock. 4 p.m. He’d slept long and hard. What
now, he wondered. He was hungry and he wanted to talk to Simon again. What
day was it? He got out of bed and showered, changing into a fresh set of
clothes. He walked into the hall making his way to the cafeteria. New
Year’s decorations littered the walls. It would be New Year’s soon. He
wrinkled his brow. Next holiday he would be with them. His family. Viki.
Starr. Téa. They were his family now. He walked into the café and got a
sandwich plus some milk. He sat down near a window watching the snowfall
while he ate.
“Todd?” It was Simon standing over him, “I see you’re up.”
“Yeah. You knew I would sleep that long, didn’t you?” asked Todd.
“I suspected as much. Your sleep patterns are erratic to say the least,”
said Simon sitting down.
“Whatever,” said Todd, “I wanna’ go home for the next holiday. I don’t
wanna’ be here.”
“It will all depend on your progress Todd…” started Simon watching Todd
shovel his food into his mouth.
“I’ll work twice as hard Doc. I don’t care…” said Todd, “But…”
“But what Todd?” asked Simon.
“What happened the other night…will I have more…I dunno…dreams of Téa like
that?” asked Todd. He didn’t know how to feel about that dream. It was
incredible intimate and on one hand it made him feel good. It gave him a
feeling of completeness to his incomplete wedding night. And on the other
hand a nagging voice kept telling him he was dirty. It was filthy -
touching himself like that. Longing for something so sinfully good.
“You might Todd. I believe integration is in process. A lot of things are
going to come together. A lot of things are going to be confusing and we’re
just going to have to deal with them as they come up. The different parts
of you…that are remembering and dealing with things are blending into you.
And you’ve shown me that while difficult, you’re allowing yourself to go
there. From what I gather, allowing yourself to be close to those who love
you and care about you is hard. Sex is confusing because you’ve experienced
such radical extremes. Allow yourself to believe in yourself and others
Todd,” whispered Simon.
Todd lazily threw the sandwich in his plate, “Allow myself to feel. Like
what? Todd Manning…Fabio Stud? It’s not me.”
“No, it isn’t but a man who wants to have the physical relationship you so
desperately desire to have with a woman, your wife, is normal and healthy,”
said Simon firmly.
Todd said nothing, holding back his initial reaction of fear.
“So what…you think this is the Rodd part of me trying to help me deal with
the love junk?” asked Todd.
“If that’s how you think about it,” said Simon.
“Great,” said Todd. He swallowed.
Simon noticed Todd’s physical cues. His nervousness. This type of talk
made Todd uneasy and irritable. This would get very intense for his patient
very quickly. Simon sat back in his chair, allowing himself a brief pause
before taking on Todd again.
TO BE CONTINUED…
