11.10.00

Today, today I (half learned) a lesson on maturity. What (not) to say, when (not) to say it. I learned a lot about friendships. One truthful moment tainted with rage in a bitchy come back (Spilling secrets that weren't mine to spill on the way) resulted in the opposite way to what was planned. It worked once, why not twice? I learnt a lot about people.

Situation Work- My friend is attached too a self-absorbed, arrogant rich boy looking for pity, and self righteousness. He's also a Savage Garden Teddy Bear. (No offence to anyone related to this incident in reading it. I need a vent somewhere, this is it - sorry Charlie). Problem situation. Its an icky 'Male need for control' relationship, not a nice balanced one - she won't say anything for fear of upsetting him. So he's nice, and she's gushing. I naturally throw myself into the middle of what looks like chaos and adds in my three cents worth of havoc. I was thoroughly pissed at him. Thoroughly. At the time I had a 'So you have issues - no shit. So does everyone else - Deal with it' attitude going on. I'm dealing with a lot of crasy shit (more, now). Screw the world type thing. So, he decides to blurt out his 'problems' and then decides that it will shock me into submission and I will offer pity, screw my problems, and hes all in control of the situation and I will follow like an obedient puppy. Like hell I will. In a moment of anger (How dare he think like that!! Great, I really wanted his problems), I throw all my shit back at him. That shut him up. We were once again equal. Good for us.

Situation Not Work - (I revoke any apologies here, there is none, apart to the 'inner circle' of mine). A friend is feeling out of the loo. One petty comment that she took personally - actually, it wasn't petty, more constructive criticism, considering the commentator had the authority, and my 'friend' didn't adjust to well to that - she felt she needed to prove a worthless point that could possibly bring a lot of people down. I find out later, that its not that she feels its throughout everything, and her caring friends aren't so 'caring' anymore. Tough cookies. We don't treat you any different than anyone else, weren't not as close to you as we are others, and its hard to be when you get all defensive and possessive. The line that set me of was that 'nobody confides in' her. If we felt she could handle it, we would tell her (I say we because there are others involved in this, whether they know it or not). If we needed her, would we not turn to her for help? If she wants confiding fine, I'll confide. And I did, a lot of crasy shit. Oh, and ha, so wonderful was the reaction. Deepest, darkest secrets in the light and she balks and runs a mile with the line 'Maybe we shouldn't be friends.' Fine. Ending contact right here.

I suppose that was a little heavy and overwhelming, and yeah, I'm a bitch when I want to be (and will sometimes rise to the occasion). If a persons nore mature enough to handle what they want to know, or can't understand certain things, then you can't confide your secrets. You can't turn to them and have them be there to understand and make things better with chocolate. That realisation shattered. It hurt too.

I realised there were some people I don't know as well as I should, and don't actually give a shit, honestly don't, caring comes later, pain from other things will allow me to care.

That also works both ways. I was upset and incredibly angry, and blurted to a really good friend of mine, kind of in this too. She bought up all the same points that I did, and it was nice to know I'm not actually hallucinating, and that I do have something that I can relate to other people. It's nice to share sometimes. This is contradicting, isn't it?

I wondered today, why people focus on the petty. I wonder why I focused on the petty, there are greater, more 'urgent' and important things to worry about, all those malnourished children, peace, other things closer to home, life, living, livings a big one for me, it may sound stupid, but it is. So many concepts, places, events and experiencing the wonderfully real. There are so many realities to deal with. Why do we waste time on things that don't matter? and why do we care?

Well. Im in computers and have decided that this actually sux, cause I have no idea what Im supposed to be doing cause these instructions actually suck, so yeah. What to write/type : ) Who knows? I realized today that people walk real fast, and I walk real slow. Its not that m incapable of walking fast, its just, that, well, when I walk, I watch the world go by. I think that its not the destination thats the good bit (unless the destination involves chocolate), its the getting there bit that makes the whole journey worthwhile. You cant notice things if you walk too fast. You cant think, either. So I dawdle, think things through, strange concepts such as this, and I know it makes no sense whatsoeva, but thats okay, your not me, and it makes perfect sense to me, and as its my thoughts, well, what you say doesnt really matter unless you tell me (cause no one tells me whats going on inside theire head - who knows, you might be crasier than me.)

Caring, family. Big problems brewing there, discipline, authority, everything and anything. Its disgusting, I hate having to be so cotton-candy around them. But, its not just them, its everyone. Almost every person I talk to, meet with, see, if, for any reason at all, something twinges, then in my mind I'm going of at them, while smiling like the sun and laughing with them, it doesn't work like that, and its getting annoying and incredibly hard. Forgive me. Leaving it now.

28.10.00

Blah, tis later now, and strugginlg with a whole lot of new things. The family thing is still screwed (I hate them, and theyre being all buddy buddy - I hate pretending to be good). The chic that wasn't talking to me, (that nicley stabbed me while smiling cheerfully) is, we made peace, but it was a long time before we found something to say, and stopped ignoring each other. Thankfully it was the being screwed in the head thing that we had in comman. The girl obbsessed with the Evil Bastard is struggling with life, and I'm trying to keep her afloat, and its not working. I can't help her and me, and its so hard, I notice little red strips of blood, eliminating the inside pain by making it physical, i understand it, but don't say anything, knowing that she will just brush it off and laugh light heatedly and say 'Oh thats just me dealing with stuff, so, about this party on saturday night . . .'

Oh shit the stress, I can't handle it, theyre yelling, oh shit, and they won't stop . . . oh please stop, I can't handle it. Let it be over soon . . . .

2.11.00

I've been grounded. Years have passed. I hate it, I hate it all, every single bit of it. The being nice and smiling and pretending . . .its all do hard. And the rest of it, the school work, the friends, having to understand that theyre dealing with so much, and to be there for them, and yet we all sit there at lunch talking and laughing, and smiling . . . I sit in silence, smile at the appropriate moment, laugh when theyre laughing, watch life go by before me. I know I need to share, I can't do it thou, I hate letting them know, causing them pain in the knowldge that I'm hurting. Its getting easier to hide thou, just to pretend.

They can't do it, they can't make me. I hate them, controlling me, telling me to do this, and that, forcing me to eat when I don't want to, forcing me to be nice to them. I only get yelled out, and want to leave, but where would I go? I hate it. I smashed a couple of plates the other day. Slid them of the bench and watched in slow motion as each plate and saucer went sailing to the ground, craking, and breaking, the energy breaking in luvly smashing sounds. Punishment. I broke something that wasn't mine. They broke something much worse than plates. They broke my soul and life, trying to force into and immpossible mold with theyre expectations. That wasn't theres to break. I hate it.

5.11.00

I went to my friends house the weekend just gone. It was quite fun, and incredibly amusing, I don't know how I'm going to be able to face her family this coming weekend thou. *smiles* should be interesting in the least.

Well, I went last weekend, and it was fun, it actually was. *smiles* We made chocolate pancakes for breakfast and stayed up late watchin buffy, and wandered through New Market in the rain (which was actually fun), I had my awesome new jeans on, and was enjoying the attention. It was good.

But that's not the best bit. I feel like I've told this story over and over again, yet I don't have a clear record of it. Something new to say, to put it right. Before the weekend just gone. I went to her birthday party. It was all good, and I wore a skirt, something I don't normally do. It was an interesting skirt too, double layered black, cut down on an angle from mid thigh to mid calf, made of strechy nylon material stuff. It was all good. So, were all watching Urban Legends (A pathetic film), I sat on the couch, leaning on Dim, with my legs over my mate. Her brother was sitting behind us on a stool, a little up from where I was sitting (lying). Apparently my skirt was riding up further and further as I struggled to get in a comfortable postion (one of the reasons I will never wear a skirt again unless forced), until was showing a luvly strech of leg. Dearest Thomas noticed this, and thats where it began.

This lead to two things. The first, lesbianism between myself and my friend, as she put her hands on my legs (to sheild them from his eyes). When I returned to her house the following week, I naturally hugged her, and we held hands, and sat/leant/lay on each other, as friends usually do - the girl kind does anyway. Well, me and my friends do. It is nothing much more than comfortable friendship.

The second, the strech of leg before being covered, planted some ideas in dear Tom's lovely head, one such, he told his friends that 1, he was going out with me, 2, he had got with me, and 3, he was going to gp 'all the way' with me. May I say here that this luvly little charming male is only but a mere 13 in comparison to my 17 odd years on this earth. I thought it was actually incredibly amusing.

What makes it more amusing than usual, is that theyre parents found out, and have forbidden both of them to tell me, and both have been punished for what I saw as a little wishful thinking, and mis-interpretted conceptions. Which I thought was a little off . . but oh well. And as I'm not supposed to know anything, this should be incredibly, increidbly interesting, so much more than usual. *smiles* oh I cant wait. It is incredibly flattering thou, so incredibly. Loving it too, can't wait to resolve it in such a fashion that will cause some charminlgy innocent embarresment. Should be fun.

6.11.00

"Life doesn't suck, it's just you." How true is that? Things today have been a little hetic, stress is oozing from every possible pore. Life is becoming more of a struggle, and things are incredibly difficult, everything, anything, all of it. All of it.

Tomorrow, when someone asks, "Are you okay?", because I know they will, simply because of the events today, I'm going to say no, I'm not. And not explain any of it. Don't people understand that I'm not? No matter how happy I pretend I am? Its not only the little things that get me worked up, but the big as well, and the not-so-important. Alright, things that have stressed me out today, enough to want to bash this poor girl to bits, and in realization of not wanting to hurt anyone, throw myself into oncoming traffic. I woke up, it was raining, and that was okay. I got through the first bit of school, assembly. But it was all the little things, like my Albert and Bob Pic didn't come through the printer, and I couldn't do anything to make it go faster, I tripped up over my own two feet on the stairs coming down from the office, and two third formers laughed at me, The fire alarm went off twice, thus both times having to wait in the rain without an umbrella, the over-flowing anger of an incident thats been resolved (thus, by the friend that I went to visit at work on Saturday), I felt like I was being left out of our circle, and that I didn't know anything, that in two seconds my friend got me worked up over nothing but the previous resolved incident and I lost the argument, and thus storming into Eco and threw my bag across the room, got told off for my non-regualtion shoes, and then for being moody (am I not entilted to feeling the emotion anger?) and then for being sarcastic (which I wasn't), and then I had to share my secret book of mine, and then I got caught by the dean with my damn shoes and t hreatened off any committies, my Geo teacher went pysc at me when I didnt do anything. And thats not the worst.

On the way back from the second fire alarm, I was getting pains all the way along my left leg, making it difficult to walk. I got okay to English, but about five minutes into the period it got worse until I was in a state of tears and I couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't a typical normal pain that peopke just get, that happens naturally like cramps of something, I know what was happening, but I couldn't do anything, no one could, only one person in that whole room understood. It was an attack that no one will ever understand but the very few that would ever have to go through it. Intense pain caused by a malicous nothingness that only you can see. I got through it after having caused a luvly entertaining show for everyone else. And now people like Jaclyn are going to think I'm a damn fine actress after I got up and it was okay. She won't understand, and I sure as hell can't tell her.

I'm not telling this too well. Lemme try and explain the pain, it was like tension all the way through my leg, like a rope being twisted further and further, only when I touched my leg it was completely slack, like nothing was wrong, the muscels were completely relaxed, yet it caused blinding pain, there were mini spasms without my muscles moving. Uhm, the pain, it was like, like, like my leg was being squished into a 2-cm wide box, and being pulled across 5 metres at the same time, it was like, I can't describe it, the ultimate pain. The ultimate pain.

It didn't help that during netball tonight, which is usually an incredibly good stress reliever, completely failed me. Everything I did only destryed what Liz and Kirsty had built up, so about half way through the second half, I gave up, and pulled the game down more. I got destructive thoughts, and I really wanted to ram my fists through my partners body. I couldn't, and I hated it. I hated everyone and everything. So after the game I ran twice around the double courts. I cut halfway around the second lap, and hated myself more. The girls were being rude when cheering. Everything boiled up inside me.

Then I remembered one of my bestest friends, someone who wants death almost as much I as do, but hers is caused by a stupid male, and she bottles things up, and makes them physical so she can deal with it by making small incisions on her wrist. I hate that she has to feel this pain. I hate that I want to cry everytime I walk into a new class or situation. I hate when someone Like Jamie makes a rash comment. I hate it that I can't control my pain and anger, and I hate having to pretend. I hate that I can't ask for help and support, and can't tell my friends because they all have a million other things to deal with, and I can't tell them because I don't want them to have to deal with all my problems. I hate that Tom likes me. I hate that, I that I am me, and I have to go through this. I hate me.

9.11.00

Well, this is becoming habit, writing in here, but it doesn't mean much to me, being I need somewhere to get rid of alot of this crasy way of thinking (feeling). It's only the second period of school, but a mere 10 oclock, and its tragic, how I have a shit load to get off my chest, enough for me to want to never go home again. So, last night was okay, I got sick of my parents, as per usual (when am I not sick of them?), I went out to dinner, and ate what was put on my plate, and went home to watch buffy (which wasn't on, so I watched the rugby instead.)This is a charming way of avoiding all my problems and not saying them, but I need to get the down somewhere, to get it out of my system, to face it. And this is it. This morning, when I woke up, it was all good, until my sister wantd me to take my childhood compainion to school with her. This doll, (yes, its only a doll), was my life from like 5 to 9, and I loved her. Typically she wasn't mine to begin with, my sister got her for Christmas and I stole off with her. So, when I refused to give it to Mellissa, well, my mother went pysc, it was the first time I'd flat refused her before. It got physical, and she tried pulling my arms, and throwing me on the bed, and trying to wrestle the damn doll off me. I remembered everything that I'd been taught in that damn Self defense course, but I couldn't use any of it, for fear that she would know something herself and totally annihalite (bad spelling - ah screw it) me. She was my mother. But no, it wasn't my doll, but I was the one who would kill myself over this. And I told her, and she totally tried to kill me then, I mean, actually tried. I won, and she called me a little shit. They don't understand this need to have something go right, even though I look for it, for all the good things so I can appreciate them, and love them, and use them to block out the icky stuph, I can't find anything, at all. And so when I find something I love so much is about to be disgustingly belittled, I will rescue it, will I not? That small triumph is going to cause ultimate havoc. My wrists are dying from the struggle, and I have blooddrying on my knee, amd I'm desperatley trying to stay away from anything that could cause the end of it all.

That was this morning, yesterday, was the build up. At basketball, I couldn't handle any of it. I balked at basketball, and ran, away, and then went straight to the field, where I knew there would be a bit of glass that I could end it all with. Someone had taken the glass away, and that charming bit of wire did nothing but make my wrists all red. ugh, I can't do this now. School causes everything to be slightly more fuzzy.

Bugger. I'm not entirely comfortable with people reading this. But its like, part of me, of what once was me (and admittidly, still is). But the fact is, I'm more comfortable with strangers reading this then people I actually KNOW. I dont have to face strangers.