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In My Words

My God let me remember, for my own sake,
so that I may never pass this wicked way again.
Are we not the  masters of our own will? Yes.
YET,
We surrender our will to mere  humans when
our lives should be completely Yours.

It is so easy to say, "Let it go." Easy to say hard to accomplish.  When I catch myself reliving the past I wonder why.  Why am I always going back to that place of torment?  Why do I try to find comfort in the sickness of my sin? 

God, be my help, let me not fall back into that place of hell. 
You alone are the source of any good that is within me. 
Let my eyes be upon you only.

 

The beauty of this man held me captive. It was more than the beauty of his body and the blue of his eyes that captivated me.  I looked into his soul and loved him.  I loved him for whom he pretended to be.  With me he was loving, giving, kind and gentle.   Outside of our little world he was another man he was a charlatan, scoundrel, and a philander.

Many called him a  pretender, an exaggerator, arrogant and a man whore.  I had heard so many tales from: his spouse, his friends, from women  and men that hated him and from those that admired him.  I am not one to judge a person by other's  standards; That's not always a good thing.  I should have listened to those who were hurt by him, and perhaps I would have been spared the heartache, shame and sorrow.

My Lord, and My God, you speak to us
through others, through nature, through thoughts
and we fail to listen.  When will we learn? How often must we stumble?

 

I was drawn to him by his reckless behavior and his teenage attempts to flirt with me.  I found it refreshing and playful. I believed that I was steadfast in my Godly beliefs that these tactics would not affect me.  Beliefs are like a strong rope, they hold you up, but  the rope can be broken by constant friction. "pop"

"I had a dream that we were together. You were naked on a white feathered bed and I made love to you." 
"Oh.  And did I enjoy it?"  I asked.  "You did."  He responded.  I chuckled, "Whatever.  If you're so good why doesn't your wife want to have sex with you?" 
"Her illness makes her tired.  She doesn't have a libido because of her medication."
"Oh I see.  Does she know that you're looking for it else where?"  I asked him in an attempt to make him feel guilty.
"We have an understanding." 
"What's that?"
"She knows that I have a high sexual drive and I need sex.  We have an open marriage."
"Get out of here," I said in a dubious tone, "She let's you go outside of the marriage for sex?"
"Yup. She doesn't ask me and I don't tell her."
"Gawd, you're so full of yourself.  She doesn't ask you because she doesn't know you're out looking for it."
"She knows."

Rule number one : Don't play with fire.
You will eventually get burned.
How can one resist?
We are human.

It the very nature of man to please himself rather than to please God.
The wicked desires of man will eventually  makes him stumble.
Desire and please God and you will live.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Be careful who you call a friend.  Not everyone that extends a hand in friendship is sincere.  We all have a weak nature that hungers and we urge to feed our carnal desires this weakness will walk us right into the hands of the devil.  We lack discipline, knowledge and desire to do the greater good.   It is the greater good that seeks to do what is right by others.  It is the greater good that is often lacking in our words and actions.

I have often heard that man is inherently good.  I have witness that man is inherently s selfish.   I have  witness the actions of mankind.  It is by mans own words and actions that he is condemned or condoned.

It is our selfish thoughts that lead us into temptation and to our own destruction.  We give the devil way too much credit for our spiritual demise.  He is only open to catch us in our weakness and  is merely taking us where our concupiscence is willing to go. 

I was kneeling before my God in total arrogance, though I knew it not.  I trusted my own strength over the Grace of God and I prayed, "God test me, that you may see my love for you, so you may see that my love for you will stand against all temptations."  I was tested and I failed.  I failed the test. For ten  years later I lived a miserable life. Until one day I cried out to God, "Save me, from this hell.  I can not get out on my own."  It pleased God to save me from the hell I had created in my life.  Now my prayer is , "Lord do not test me nor lead me to temptation, for I am weak and with out you I can do nothing.  Praise be God forever, bless be His Holy Name.  Nix never knew that I tested God.  I never told him, but he knew that God was important to me.  He knew that I wanted God in my life, but I couldn't have him and God in my life so I chose to feed the flesh instead of the Spirit.