The Fall From GracePride
our relationship started off with sexual innuendos and flirtations; it was short lived. We would get together after class and talk, nothing more than that, just talk. It was enough for me. He was fulfilling my unmet need. I just needed someone to appreciate me and he did. He was very patient with me and never pushed me into a physical relationship. He even said, "I have never courted anyone before." "Oh, what about your wife? " He said, "No we had sex on our second date." He said I was a little prudish, but that didn't bother me. I was comfortable in the relationship and that was all that mattered to me. It was nine months into the relationship before it became physical. He called me on his way to the movies. He invited me to come see it with him. I did. We got through half the movie when he said, "Let's go fuck." My mind began to race and I was reluctant at first. I asked him where and he said we could do it in my truck. I gave in thinking that we would mess around and stop before it got too far. It went too far. He said, "Now we are having an affair." I would not allow my friendship with him become a relationship of sex. I kept him at a distance after our encounter. The relationship began to weigh heavy on my mind and I went to confession. I told Ziu that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't have a sexual relationship with him. He understood. All he asked was that I didn't leave him. He could do without the sex. I was happy. I could keep him in my life and that's what I wanted. He was funny and loving towards me. We teased each other and enjoyed each others company. The end result of this friendship was a great fondness. Out of this great fondness came the desire to be closer, emotionally and physically. It made sense to be with the one I loved. I wanted him in my life, he wanted me in his life, even if we both were married and had children. It wasn't long before or relationship became physical again and more often than before. I began to have feelings of guilt. I felt that I was so entangled in this affair, and I was torn between doing what was right and doing what my heart wanted. I began to pull away from my husband. I couldn't be with two men. I chose to give myself completely to Nick. Often on our long drives through the country Ziu would ask me what I was thinking. I would say "You don't want to know." "Are you stinking thinking?" He'd ask. My reply would be a yes, and he would want to know what vomitus spew was brewing in my head. What is this all about? What are we doing? Why are we doing this and what is going to happen when we get busted? We will get busted. Do you feel guilty? I feel guilty. I want out.. I don't want any part of this treachery. I would spew what he called vomit, and his words of comfort were "Poor misguided child." Seemed so harmless. "Are you afraid?" I would ask him. His answer was always no. "I'm afraid. I don't want to go to hell." "You're not going to hell!" He would say with such authority. "What do you mean I'm not going to hell. Have you heard of the ten commandments? We are breaking several." "My God is a loving God. He is not going to send me to hell over one transgression...." "MANY." I insisted. "I've done a lot of good for the children of this city. Why would I be condemned to hell? My good out weights the bad." "Your God is not my God, that's for sure. My God does not approve of this behavior AND you do not get to heaven my your own merits." "You are a good person. A beautiful caring person. I don't think God would send you to hell." "WHY?" "Because I love you." "I love you too. If I were God, I wouldn't' send you to hell, because I love you. And, if I love you I imagine God loves you more than I ever could." We would drive in silence, no radio, no distractions and no awkwardness. Was the connection that we had only in my mind? I did not know what was going on in his head and when he express himself I often doubted his sincerity. I would try to ease my conscious by telling myself that God was a loving God and I wasn't so evil. I'm not evil. I'm not evil. This just happened. Wait. I was making excused for my inappropriate behavior. I started to justify my behavior. I was acting the same way for which I admonish my children, "Don't make excuse for you poor behavior. Step up to the plate and be responsible for your actions." Silence would often be broken by another nagging question that I would pose. "Am I just a toy to you? How do you know that you love me?" I would hear an exasperated sigh and it would make me laugh. "What?" I would sheepishly ask as if I didn't know how my questions annoyed him." "If I didn't love you , you wouldn't be here. You are such a pain in my ass. You make me want to wring your beautiful neck." "Then why don't you leave me?" A question I asked quite often "Because your worth it." That was always his answer. Why did I find comfort in those words? Because I was looking for any word, excuse or idea that would ease the pain and guilt that was torment my soul for having an affair. It was a confusing time for both of us . He wanted me to be happy with what he gave me and I wasn't . He never made it easy for me to leave. Our conversations were often emotionally charged and exhausting, but he would never break it off with me and I really wanted him to. I wanted him to leave me, but he always had the right words to reel me back. I'm not blaming him. Maybe it was a challenge, a sick game for the both of us. "Why can't you be happy that we are spending time together? Live the moment." He made so much sense to me. I don't know why I couldn't just live the moment. "How do you do it?" I asked, "How do you live the moment and not let it run into other parts of your life?" "I file it away. When I'm with you I'm with you and when I have to do my job, I do my job, when I have to be home, I'm at home. I pull out a file and put in a file." "That's sick. So, you just forget about me once you drop me off?" "I don't forget about you, I just have to go on with the rest of my life. I wish you could enjoy our time together. You get mad that we don't spend more time together ,but when we're together you're sulking." "Oh shut up." I would lean my head on his shoulder. "This is my happy place. I don't know why you put up with me." "Because I love you, Goofy. I want to be with you even if you're mad. I just want to be breathing the same air as you." The words that once comforted me became a thorn on my side. If he loved me so much why didn't he leave his marriage? He claimed that he was no longer having a physical relationship with his wife. She was sick and had gained a lot of weight. He would complain about what a bitch she had become. I understood that because I was a bitch to my husband. Neither one of them deserved what was happening to them with out knowledge.
I started to work out with another instructor; Ms Coupe She loathed Mr. Smyth. At the mere mention of his name made her scowl and would call him asshole. Ms Coupe took me under her wing, I was her protégé. She was an inspiration and a source of strength for me. She encourages me and trained me for my brown belt test. I had been in karate for two years. The rumors of Mr Smyth and his harem had long died down. At the brown belt test he told me that I had to have 150 class hours with him, it was required. I sighed and asked what classes he wanted me to attend. Sheepishly he said, "All of them if you can." " Ooookay." I thought nothing of it, but was flattered that he would want me in his class. He had not mentioned that specific request of the other women that were testing I started going to his Wednesday class. The children's class was filled to capacity, but the adult class was small and comfortable. It was almost like having a personal instructor. One of our requirements as a new brown belt was to create an empty hands kata. I was in the corner working on some moves when he came up to me and asked to let him see my form. He stood against the wall made a gesture as if to look down my uniform. I looked down and noticed that my gi was slightly opened. I closed it and said, "There's nothing down there." He smiled and said, "Let me be the judge of that." I walked up to the wall where he was standing and leaned into him and said, “I’ve heard all about you." "What have you heard? That I'm scum?" "Not only that, I know that your dick is dirty. You're scum. The scum from the bottom of the barrel." He stood there looking at me undisturbed by what I had said to him. and he asked, "What else have you heard?" "I tell you what, you give me the initials of the women you've been with and I'll tell you their names. Or I could give you their initials so you'll know that I know who they are. How's that?" He gave a nervous laugh and walked off and he didn't even see my kata. He called the class together and was going to show us some new
stretches that would increase the height of our kicks. He had us lie
on the floor and open our legs while holding our heels. One of the woman
student remarked "Just put a platter under me."
Mr. Smyth ignored the comment and continued the stretching.
After class he told me to help carry out his equipment, because that too
was a brown belt requirement. I did as he requested. On the
way to his truck he said, "I was watching your kata and it looks really
good. I want to see it tomorrow at class." "Yeah, okay.
Thanks." I thought that for scum he could still be a decent
instructor. He continued, "You know no one has ever talked to me the way
you have. You have guts." The following day I went to class in anticipation of showing Mr. Smyth my kata. Instead he called his brown belts and started to assign groups for us to teach. I was helping the white belts students with their kata. Mr. Smyth came and sat next to me. We were both watching the students. I turned to ask him something and I noticed that he was looking down my uniform. He looked at me and said, "Nice." I glared at him as he leaned towards me and whispered in my ear, "Have you ever had a Ménage à trois?" I looked at him and worded out," WHAT?" He explained," A threesome." "I know what it means; I just can't believe you are asking me that!" "Well, you look like someone that would be open to it?" “No, I happen to be a one man woman, thank you very much." He smiled at me and said, "Too bad I was stunned at his audacity, and what did he mean that I looked like someone that would be open to it? That dumb bastard didn't know anything about me. Olivia was a girl that I had met when I started karate; she came up to me and asked what Mr. Smyth was smiling about. I told her what had happened and we were both disgusted. "Who does he think he is?" I questioned myself over and over. _____ What transpired the next few months was a lot of sexual innuendos from him. I think he took pleasure in watching me get flustered; It became a game with him. Olivia would say that it was sexual harassment, but he could get away with it because he was handsome, so we called it flirting. That had a ring of truth to it, had he been a dirty old man I would have put him in his place at this first comment. The game got old very quick and I was getting tired of pretending that I understood all his innuendos. I had made a comment about his beard and I told him that I though men looked very handsome in beards. He just replied a nice, "Thank you, ma'am, but I'm cutting the beard off, so if you want to ride it before I do, let me know." That innuendo I understood. He walked away giving a deep laugh and I stood there frozen and mouth agape. Class was over and I getting my equipment together and heading out the door. Mr Smyth came from behind me, covered my mouth with his left hand, dipped me and kissed his hand that was over my mouth. I walked out of class a little stunned. I decided to give him a call on the way home. He answered the phone "Hello."
"Why are you calling me out? What just happened? Did he just
ask me out to lunch? Did I just tell him that he could call me? What
the hell? I walked in the house and was greeted by my husband Jay.
"Good class?" he asked.
I remember I was in the folding
clothes when the phone rang. We didn't have caller ID so I was
little surprised to hear Smyth's voice on the other end. That call opened up the way to our perverse relationship. We began to call each other on a regular basis. I knew it was not the right thing to do, but I did let my husband know about my friendship with Nix. He was okay with it. Nix was not the first male friend I had and I wasn't sexually attracted to him. I enjoyed talking to him because he was expressive and he allowed me to ask him questions about his personal life. He didn't have qualms about answering. As the Lenten season was
approaching and decided that having a boy-friend that was attracted
to me was probably the best thing to give up. After class and asked him if I could
talk to him. "Yeah, sure let me get my things in my truck." I
waited for a while and he was taking his sweet time. All the cars
were leaving the parking lot. I stood there waiting for him to come
back and talk to me. We were the last two people there.
He came and stood so close to me. I remember the night was breezy
and I felt cold. I wrapped my arms around myself to keep warm and to
keep him at a distance. I had dreams about kissing him. I wanted to tell him how much I wanted to kiss him. I didn't want to ruin the friendship we had, but I wanted to let him know that I wanted to kiss him. I had all weekend to think about how I would tell him come next class. Class was long or maybe my anticipation to talk to Nix made it longer. I asked him to approve my music for my musical kata. Would he notice that I picked the song for him? I picked the song I Want to Break Free, by Queen. I was having inner conflict I was beginning to have feelings for him, but I didn't want to. "Hey, Nix, do you think you could approve my music for my kata? I have the boom box in my van. I could go get it." He was busy signing attendance and said "Sure, but I'll listen to it in your van. I'll be out in a minute." He answered my question and never looked up. Okay well, at least I would get the music approved and out of the way. I went to my van, cued the music and waited for him to come out of class. He came to my van I played the music and he said it was fine. He started to walk off then he turned back pulled me out of the van, put his arm around my waist and the other in my hair. He pulled me close and kissed me deeply. We opened our mouth and our tongues dance harmoniously with each other. I could feel his hands in my hair and it gave me chills. We pulled away from each other and I said, "Night." I got in the van and closed the door before he could return a reply We kissed. It was a wonderful kiss and the sexual tension was obvious. I drove home in a daze. As I was driving up the drive way I began to panic, what if my Max could tell. I walked in the house and went straight to the shower. I washed Nix down the drain. This would never ever happen again. I had all weekend to think about how I was going act with Nix. We had been flirting for a few months and now it had gone another step. I decided that I would ignore him at the Wednesday class. I did my work our and he tried to speak to me, but I was curt with him. Though my insides were burning inside and I wanted to a replay of last weeks kiss. I was determined to avoid another encounter with him. Thursday class; I couldn't wait for it to be over. There was so much tension between us that I was afraid the whole class could tell. We didn't look at each other we didn't talk, but an energy flow was apparent and perhaps only to the two of us. After class I was at my van when he drove up beside me. He stayed in his truck and opened the door. I stood at the edge of the door and asked him, "So are you going to ignore me now?" He said, "I thought you were mad for what happened last week. You didn't say a word to me yesterday, so I was going to leave you alone." "Then why did you stop?" I asked "I've been having dreams about you. I had a dream that you were on a white bed of feathers and you looked so beautiful with your brown skin against the white, and you asked me to make love to you." "Oh, and did you?" "Yes." I leaned up close to him as if I was going to kiss him he came to meet my lips and I whispered, "Good-night, Nix" and backed away. "Oh you are cold." Nix said. I gave him a shrug and climbed into my van. I knew I was playing with fire. I was in a confused state of mind. I use to think that he was such a nitwit and know I'm attracted to the imbecile? I tried to reason with myself. Why the hell did I want to get mixed up with him? _____
I like to study Nix in class. I wondered how he could play so many rolls in life. He was an instructor of karate, a business man, a father, husband and lover. He could pull each roll out at it's necessary time. Nix and I started to see each
other after class. We would drive up the street where new homes were
being constructed. He would come sit in my van and we would talk for
15 to 20 minutes sometime longer if he would let the class out early.
"Why does Ms Coup hate you so
much, Nix?" What we had was twenty minutes three time a week after class and daily phone calls. Our relationship began to change once he opened up about his marriage. He told me that he had an open marriage. His wife knew that she could not satisfy his sexual needs and told him that he could find fulfillment outside the marriage as long as she didn't find out.
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