|
My Life at Home My double life was merging into one miserable life. I had decided to try to make my marriage work. I wanted to rekindle our love, but my feelings for my husband had dwindled down to a brotherly love. . I started to believe that perhaps I never loved him . Max was good to me, but he lacked any ability to romance me. I would often reflect on my youth and how I got involved with this man that I accepted as a husband. He was a good person, but his constant fawning was irritating to me. If he wanted to have intimate conversation he would wait until I went to bed. I would be half asleep and he would start to ask me how my day was. It was irritating . Why did he wait to talk to me when I was half asleep, why not an hour or so before. Still it appeared that I could do no wrong in his eyes, and if I did it was never brought to my attention. I tested his integrity at all levels and he was always the same; never wavering on how he felt about me. I was not madly in love with him, but I did love him. He had proven to me that he would always be there for me, no matter what. I had revealed all aspects of my personality to him and he was still willing to stay by my side. I other hand had lost respect for him. I married him because I heard a voice in my head that said, "Who else is going to put with you as he has?" I took it as a sign from God that I should marry him. It made sense to me that I should marry someone that knew me as I was, and still wanted to be with me. I never gave thought to whether I was in love or not. The idea of his acceptance was enough for me to marry him Later in life I questioned that voice. Was it God or was it my low self esteem trying to convince me that no one else would have me? I convinced myself that it was the voice of low self esteem. Truly that's what it was because now I had this very desirable man in my life, I thought. I had always been very frank with Max, and I didn't do roundabouts with him. I was straight forward with my thinking and my plans. He was never in doubt about how I felt because I always made myself very clear. He was not a jealous man nor a man that demanded a lot from me. I was free to come and go as I pleased, but I knew my responsibility towards him and our household. My husband trusted me and had no reason to doubt me. ... In the beginning it was a pleasant existence with my husband, he worked I stayed home with the kids. I busied myself with the kids and working on renovating our home. Being home day in and day out was making feel frumpy and I didn't like it. My husband encouraged me to get an outside hobby. I was desperate to find something to do. He was consumed by his own hobbies and had little time for me. I was lonely and he was complacent in our marriage. The perfect combination for disaster.
|