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Talking to the Counselor Sarah looked at me, but didn't really say much. Was my story just one of hundreds that she had heard, and was that glassy look in her eyes from boredom? I thought these things as my counselor wrote in her little book . " I'd like for you to start keeping a journal. Every morning before you get out of bed get your journal and write down the positive things that you want to accomplish for the day. At night write down everything that went right. Don't worry about the negative things that happened through out the day. Can you do this?" "I can try. I didn't bother to tell her that I had been keeping a journal for years. I had stopped at the request of Ziu. My friend had called my husband and had told him that I was having an affair and he could find all the prove he needed in my journal. My husband called Z-u and told him that he better get out of my life or he would tell his wife. That was the first time my husband questioned my relationship with Ziu. I told him that nothing was going on between me and Z-u. He believed me and Ziu and I kept seeing each other. At that point we had been seeing each other for 3 years. All I wanted to do was forget the affair. I wanted to stop the memories, the constant thoughts that bombarded my mind. Now my counselor wanted me to write a journal. Journal, Good Morning, today I will be happy. I will not give thought to him.. Oops there he is again. I will not give him "much" thought today. I will go to the gym and work out . I will make a wonderful dinner for my family. I will try not to cry today. Tonight: Why does he plague my mind? I want to rip him out of my heart. I hate him so much that it hurts to think that I could have that kind of emotion. I went to the gym all I kept hoping was that he would show up and apologize to me. All I wanted was for him to ask me to forgive him and to take him back. Dinner was a failure. I didn't have the energy to put into make a wonderful dinner so I ordered out! Journal, My positive thoughts for today will be to replace sad thoughts with wonderful thoughts. Today I will be grateful for everything that I have. I will go to work tonight and be a great mentor. Tonight: Sigh. I was walking to the office and I thought, "I haven't thought of him today." I felt sad about that, but then I gave myself Kudos. I'm tired. Journal, Last night I had a dream about him. We were at the baseball field and he wanted me to make love to him in the restroom. I told him no. He then said, "I'm going to ask someone else. I lost him in a crowd of people. I don't know why I was chasing him, but I guess I didn't want him to go look for sex with someone else. I saw him talking to a red head. She was broad and had a big nose. I remember then turning around to talk to Z-u's wife. I told her, " He has got to be kidding! Why would he pick her over me or you?" His wife said, "He doesn't pick them, they pick him." For some reason her answer pissed me off. So I don't know what the dream was about. I think that I felt angry toward the wife because she was excusing his behavior. I wanted to slap her more than him. The dream was so vivid. In the dream I was wearing Native American clothes. Tonight: Stupid dream...I thought about it all day. Tomorrow will be a better day. ... My counselor paged through my journal stopping to read a few entries. She put the journal down took off her reading glasses and said, "Do you feel like talking about any particular entry? Let me ask you something, do you feel that this is helping you?" "Yeah, in a way it is. I'm writing my story on the internet. I don't think anyone will ever read it, but I know it's out there I need to let someone know my side of the story even if it is to strangers. The last entry about the dream. That really haunted me for days. I felt like not only was Ziu against me, but so was his wife. It was like his wife was okay with him being with the red head. I felt such anger. Why do you think that was? " Why do you think you felt anger or was it resentment?" "I don't know. Maybe it's all about the lies he use to tell me. He would tell me that his wife was okay with him having an affair partner as long as it wasn't me. He told me that she hated me. That made me sad. Though I guess I deserve to be hated. Anyway, I use to tell him to tell her about me. All I wanted was to be part of his life and if she couldn't be the wife he needed, you know , emotionally or physically, I could. So I feel that she was okay with him being with the red head as long as it wasn't me. I don't know." I paused for a long time and Sarah didn't say anything, but just looked at me I felt so awkward. I continued, " I wasn't trying to take anything away from her, I just happen to love the same man she loved. In the dream I felt that Ziu, the red head and his wife were all against me. In reality it doesn't matter. " I started to cry so hard at that point. Sarah handed me some tissue and actually hugged me. I was falling apart and I felt that I had lost all control of my emotions. "It's okay," She was trying to console me. I was feeling foolish. Here I was the other woman crying about not having her lover anymore. I composed myself and was getting ready to leave the office. Sarah told me to make another appointment. I picked up my journal and walked out of her office and didn't' stop at the appointment desk. I headed for the city park. I pulled my car in the same spot that we use to park. I reclined my seat and began to cry again. "Why, why Ziu? How many time did I try to break up with you ? How many time did you beg me not to let you go. Why did you tell me you wanted us to work things out? " I couldn't cry anymore. I looked in the mirror, my eye were swollen and my nose was red. "That's not a good look for you!" I told myself. I reclined back in my seat. I turned to the passengers side and imagined Ziu sitting there like had so many times before. We would sit there and neck like silly little teenagers. He would ask me to come over to his side and lay on his chest. I did and we would take short naps. Time did not stand still for us, our time together was over so quick and off I would go to drop him off at his vehicle. Stupid, stupid me. If I could kick my own ass I would. How could I be taken in so easily by this psycho? My thoughts were interrupted by a phone call. It was my husband. "Hello." "Hey, do I need to stop at the store? I'm on my way home." I just rolled my eye up and wondered why the hell he was calling me. "I don't need anything." "How about dinner? Do we have stuff for dinner." Dinner had become such a chore. I hated it. I didn't want to eat anyway. "I think we have stuff. I don't know.. Stop and get something if you want." He would just say, "Okay." and hang up. I had hurt him so much and he still wanted to make our marriage work. OH sure NOW everybody want to fix things up. It was all a facade. I knew that Ziu did not want to work on his marriage. He had tried so many times before and he failed, and now he thinks he is going to do it. He is not. He doesn't have it in him. I don't have it in me to work on my marriage. I can pretend, and I can do all the niceties that are necessary to look like a united family, but I won't. I look at his marriage and felt blessed that I was not his wife. I pick up my cell phone and called Sarah's office. I made an emergency appointment. She could see me in an hour. I entered her office she was waiting in an easy chair she had a glass of tea. She offered me a glass of tea or water. Though my throat was parched I declined. I could only feel the haze that surrounded my soul. The FOG is what I was told it was. " I broke down.
Happy Ann. 2002 Yesterday
you declared that you loved me; only, so that the winds of today’s trouble could
carry them away as swiftly as they left your mouth. I
struggle with the emptiness I feel without you. Everyday I pursue solace for my soul
since it longs for you unceasingly.
I utterly abhor my weakness when it comes to you. I
question my reason for putting my soul through such trepidation. I am jealous of your bustled life;
when your eyes don’t belong to me, when your thoughts are of others. An inner rage consumes me knowing that
your emotions can afford to be without me.
Knowing that you have such strength burdens me. It’s only fair that I too should
have this capacity, but I will not consent to such. Least I get over
you. How
dare I speak of being madly in love… alone. What woman would not want equated love. Is man so
simple minded as to not know how to steal a woman’s heart? Oh! You did. How did you do this? How did I fall for you? You have swept me off my feet, and
entangled every fiber of my common sense.
I am
the bigger fool for allowing myself to be swept away by your words and charming
demeanor. With this thought no one
is to blame, but I.
Sigh!
I am alone and thinking of you.
Wait. Yes, yes, I am
thinking of you. Your head must be
swollen with pride. Is it possible
for you to love me as much? Can you
afford to let me know that you truly care?
Is there any component in you that could be moved to love me, beyond that
dark space where you have hidden me?
Can we please come to the Light? What living thing can grow in darkness
and have beauty?
Or is our love of the darkness? Is our love not true?
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