Rants and Raves- April 2002

4-25
Been a while since I've written here, so I thought I why not! I'm doing extremely well, everything is going well! It is exam time and that is the only thing that seems to be really giving me stress/anxiety. Seems like things have turned around for no apparent reason- more sociable, outgoing, and definitely hyper! So I'm loving it. Haven't felt depressed in over a week. The new meds must have really kicked in or something! Urges are definitely infrequent. Still get them of course, as well as sometimes the urge to just grab the bottle of pills, but they pass and I don't take them seriously. This is probably again, do to my great mood.
I should be having quite a few updates for you guys soon- been working on a few new things, but I'm learning how to do them first (they are quite complicated- gotta use HTML, Java, and CGI script!) A lot of trial and error for me! But hopefully I'll work the kinks out. That's about it for me! Hope everyone is doing well and as always please let me know if there's anything I can do for you! Email/IM/leave a message in the Guest book- whichever! Talk to you guys later. Take Care.

4-18
Anxiety has seized my heart and fear has gripped me. I have no affect, I don’t feel anything. I see the bottle of pills and I just want to pop them, one after another, one after another. And then it’d be done. No more pain, no more anxiety. Nothingness.
I just want to close my eyes, curl up and just be. I want everything to go away and not return. I want to be released from this prison so that I may live my life. I want to live the life I’ve always wanted, one free of mental illness, one free of this darkness that forever binds me. I want to be able to write a paper, a good paper like a normal person does. I want to be able to sit here at my desk and write like I know I can and not be constrained by the clouds the sometimes cover my mind and my heart. I want to be able to sit here and cry and release what I feel. I want to look at something sharp and not think of the destructive things I can do with it. I want to look at my arms and not remember some many lost nights. I want to be able to think of a hospital and not have it remind me of what happened there. I want to go to sleep at night and not be haunted, not pounded by so many self hatred thoughts. I want the voices to disappear and leave me be. I want to not have to struggle every day of my life just to remain here.
What I want is not what I get. Not even a little. When I was assigned this research paper, I had so many idea’s, I was so excited. I worked hard on accumulating research etc. Then I crashed. Again. Spent one week cutting and in the ER. Spent the weekend in the Psych ward. All while I wanted to be writing this awesome paper. Instead I spent the next four days trying to write it between nausea and sleep and classes that I had to attend. There was no night and day for me. It blurred together. Instead of writing the paper I wanted, I had to write the only paper I could write. Yeah, it got a 90, wahoo, but I feel like it’s an F, that it was a complete failure. And I want to shout that I could do better, that this is not what I could do, not what I wanted to do. And so my dark cloud has seized me, my depression returning. But this time, I will manage without the blade. I will make the choice not to cut. Yeah, its going to be hard, yeah I may lose again, but at least I’m honest to myself, and I really don’t have sharps in my possession again. And I recognize the choice that I can make. But, God Damn, this isn’t fun anymore, and sometimes I want to end it so bad it hurts. But I won’t, I will stay here, however hard it is. Well, I think I’m going to go curl up now. So you guys take care now.

4-18
My friend has made it, though I don't have the details (Megan, we need to talk!). So that crisis is over.
Right now I am just in a state of anxiety. I am not quite sure why, but of course, I hardly know the answer half the time. I got my research paper for a psychology class back. I was so freakin' scared to look at it. I made a 90, an A. I should be supremely happy, but I'm not. All I'm thinking about is how I could have done better. How I wish I wrote this paper before I crashed. The week I wrote this paper, I just got out of the hospital for the third time, on new meds that made me so, so sick. I wrote the paper between nausea and sleep. And I got an A. My rational self is telling me great, that is awesome that I got an A, but I am so not happy. I just feel terrible. I feel I could have done so much better, but I didn't. It was also for my favorite professors class, so I just wanted to do an outstanding job, but I didn't. I want to burn my paper- and it's an A. What is wrong with me? Why am I in such a state of anxiety right now. I just feel like a failure right now. I don't really understand and its driving me crazy. Why do I have to walk such a fine line between sanity and insanity. Why can't I be like everyone else, and not have to write a damn research paper right after I get out of a psychiatric hospital. I wanted to do so well and I just feel like I failed.
I just want to be normal again. Why can't this madness end? Why?

4-16
I feel so utterly helpless right now. A friend of mine was in crisis and we were talking and talking, then she stopped and logged off. The last few things she said to me were "sharp scissors" "brb" "when you cut, do you count?" "ok, I need to go upstairs" "I'm alone now" and then she logged off. We are states away and she's not answering her phone. I know she has cut. I feel the dread at the pit of my stomach. I just pray she doesn't commit suicide. She felt she had lost her hope. I tried so hard, so hard to help her. I tried everything in my power. Why couldn't I help her?????? Why, why, why, why, why!!! It's not fair, she does not deserve this. She just needed a break in this life and she's not getting one. why,why,why,why,why!!!! If there is a God in heaven, why doesn't He help her, why can't she have a second chance!!!! It's not fair, I'd rather it be me losing hope, me losing it, not her. I wanted to be her strength, her faith, someone to lean on. But it wasn't enough, never enough. Why, why, why, why, why???????
I hope and pray Megan is ok, my thoughts are with you!
I just don't know why I wasn't enough, why she had to go through this, she was so nice, honest and one of the best human beings I have ever known. She has so much strength. Why does it have to be her the one that falls???
I'll talk to you guys later, but I needed to post and try to sort this out and pray to God she hasn't left this Earth. Take Care

Angel
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here


4-11
Well I’ve been doing massive research for a paper of mine and so of course I got to thinking. Mainly about how I perceive the world. For the longest time I thought Depression was mainly from my environment, but now I think it is a good mixture of environment and biology. The reason being is because I’m finally noticing that I really do perceive the world differently from my peers and family. I can’t exactly explain how it is different it just is. Normal people, they can perceive how events won’t always be bad, or how they know things will be better. They can fully comprehend that shit happens. They know when to blame things on themselves and when to blame it externally. Sure sometimes it may be a little off balance, but not skewed too much. But me, I do things differently. It’s like I know things will get better, but I can’t believe it. There is a huge different between knowing and believing that most normal people don’t have. I can understand how I can blame something on external factors, but ultimately I blame it all on myself and how I could have done it better. I have good days and bad days, but my good days are far fewer and my bad days are really bad. Another weird factor is how “normally” I view suicide. For me, it is never a huge, great big deal. I deal with that sometimes on a daily basis. For me, that is always a possibility. A scary one at that, but one I long ago recognized. What for some people things are bearable, they are intolerable to me. I’m not saying that once your suicidal, you’ll always be that way. But for me personally, once it became an option, it is always an option, no matter how small. Just like cutting. That is always an option and I choose whether or not to take that option. And now finally, I think I’ve stopped deluding myself. I think I need to add denial to my list of things to come to terms with when trying to stop. I’ve lied to myself far too many times and paid the consequence. I knew, I knew that razors were within my reach. I was tempting myself, so stupidly. And I took myself up on the offer. So when I did completely flip out, razors were available. If they had not been that assessable, I may not have cut. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have gone out an eventually bought some or gotten creative, but I could have bought myself time. And time is precious when you’re a cutter. Now I know, I just cannot have razors within reach. I can’t and I know that now. And I kept having so many thoughts about cutting and deep down inside I knew I wasn’t done. But I kept telling myself otherwise, kept sugar coating it. And if I made a little nick, I would be like, oh that doesn’t count etc or I would forget about it. More denial! A couple phrases that I read in Skin Game keeps popping into my head too. I know it is true, but I never forced myself to take a hard look at it until now.

"When I stopped cutting, it was only because I could afford to because my need or it had apparently run its course."

"Maybe I don't need this anymore. Maybe I never did."

This one in particular hit home: “I stopped cutting because I could have always stopped cutting; that’s the plain and inelegant truth. No matter how compelling the urge, the act itself was always a choice. I had no power over the flood tide of emotions that drove me to that brink, but I had the power to decide whether or not to step over. Eventually I decided not to.”

And I am finally willing to accept that statement. Yes it’s an addiction and has quite a powerful hold on you, but in the end, it is your decision, your choice. I put the blade in my hand, I gave myself the opportunity, when deep down inside, I knew what I should have been doing. But I wasn’t ready to listen to myself yet, I wasn’t ready to quit. Some part of me still needed it. I hope to God that I won’t need it again, but I think a part of me will always be thinking of the blade. It became so much a part of myself, carries so many memories, and it has helped shape who I am today. I can’t deny that. And it has allowed me to help so many people. Denial, minimalizing, and building up walls can lead to a downfall, especially in cutting. I let it be the downfall of me. Am I upset that it happened, yes, will I get over it and try again, yes. I’ve stated in the past that I learn something new each time I fall down and that holds true once again. Will I fall again, I don’t know. It is always a possibility, one that will never go away. But with the passing of time, strength, will and the truth, I hope that choice is never used again. My reality is still very distorted so much of the time, but I’m learning how to chance those distortions. It will take time and I know I won’t be all better soon, but I am willing to take one step at a time. I’m willing to accept I will lapse once in awhile, while at the same time being upset enough about those times to work harder. I don’t just sit down and take those lapses. I fight back. And that makes all the difference in the world. Would it be easiest if I just let it all consume me and hope it doesn’t kill me? Yes. But what I can do with my life and what I mean to loved ones far out- weigh what is easiest. I’ve never been a passive one by nature, pretty confronting and ready to fight for what I believe in and this is no different. It would be so easy to cut and continue my self-destructive ways, or even end it all, but the pain that is caused is far too great, for others and myself. When I’m in a cutting mode, suicide mode, the pain inside is constant. When I fight, it does get alleviated, I get more good days and I get stronger everyday, whereas I get weaker every day I cut. I don’t know if I’m making sense, but these words are more of feeling than what I think and can put into words. My thinking selves and my believing selves do not match up, but I hope in time they can become one. In the meantime I am going to hang on and fight, because one day it will end. Of that I am sure of. These are my thoughts, and I hope it has made some small impact on your day. Let me know if you guys need anything, I am here for you no matter what. Take Care.

4-8
I cut and I’ve been to the hospital. All in the span of a week. That is certainly an eye opener. I’ve gone through a thousand different emotions pretty damn fast. With one flick of the wrist everything changed. And I think some part of me knew that. I kept on cutting and I think some of them were just plain anger cuts. I was so angry. Angry that I had to go through this, angry that I still wanted to cut, angry that I was cutting, angry that I wasn’t normal anymore. And then calmness. I cleaned myself up, with the help of the ER of course. I accepted what I had done. And I’m moving on. I will not let this break me. I spent the weekend in the hospital. I will not let the break me. My brain is a bit scattered again, but I’m getting it together. I will go minute by minute, hope that it gets better and just hang on. Because I know one day, one day, I won’t have to deal with this. One day I will look at a razor and not think of what it can do to me. One day my bad days won’t drive me to suicide. One day.
Thinking of that one day is what keeps me going. I can see the end, but it is not stabilized. Its sitting out there floating. Sometimes close, sometimes far, but I know its there. I need to know its there and I cling to that. If life were perfect, I could say that I want to stop cutting and that would be the end of that. But its not, and so I struggle day to day with stopping. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But with each win and loss I gain something and I grow stronger. The periods b/w cutting is getting longer and longer. Every since I first sliced up, the possibility existed from that moment that I might cut. I hope and pray I won’t. But it does me no good to deny the fact that I may always want to cut. But its quieting the urges that I strive for. I can’t say I will absolutely never cut again, because that is just unrealistic. But I can say I will do everything in my power to not cut. I will learn new coping mechanisms. I will pick up that phone when the urge arrives. I will do what I can.
I created this website to help others and in the process I have been helping myself. It has given me something to strive for, and writing/talking about SI has helped me in my own battle. Sometimes my website kept me from cutting. I hope in some small way I have helped others as much as I have been helping myself. In the coming weeks I will be trying to update as much as possible, esp. with my thoughts while in the ward. But bare with me, I’m collecting my thoughts and trying to catch up on work. But rest assured, I read every email and I read every guest book entry and will respond to those as I can and that is my highest priority and then my website. This summer though, I will be adding several things. More on the addiction component and also depression. I think one of my faults is that I have spent an enormous amount of time researching and trying to become an expert on Self injury that I have ignored the Depression part. So look for more info on Depression as I learn more.

“Fight on, my men, says Sir Andrew Barton,
I am hurt, but I am not slain;
I’ll lie me down and bleed a-while,
And then I’ll rise and fight againe.”

This quote is definitely how I feel. I am down and out for but a short time before I will rise and fight again. Nestled in this saying is hope and perseverance. Which each and every one of us has. Just have a little hope. Sure you may fall back a couple of times, but you just gotta pick yourself back up again. It can be done.
Well I am exhausted and getting nauseous, I will write more later. Hope everyone's doing all right, let me know if you need anything! Take Care!

4-8
This is another tiny rant, I’ll write more later, but just had a few thoughts. First, PLEASE learn from my mistakes. I have now given up the right to wear short sleeves without question with this beautiful weather. I’ve given up a little of my freedom. I have to pay attention to what I’m feeling, my parents are being careful, and I have to look at my arm and all its scars. I’ve given up the freedom to never have to explain to my children(when I have them!) what my scars are from. I’ve let go of months of work.
This is just a lapse though. I haven’t completely fallen off the horse which is good! But things are different again. If I had to do it all over again, I wish to God I hadn’t done this. But hey, life does go on and I’m working on recovery again. I still have hope.
In the next couple weeks I will be posting some stuff I wrote in the hospital. Kind of a chronicle of what went through my head while in there. This will take a while, because I am doing a lot of school work right now. And for those that have emailed me and written me, I will get back to you by Friday I promise. Sorry for the delays! So I shall talk to you guys soon! Take Care
4-8
Hey guys, another Monday morning. Wahoo. Just so you guys know, I was in the hospital all weekend (yuck!) for a med check. I wasn't too bad off, but my doc wanted to really pump me full of meds in a controlled setting. So I got my break from reality and got some new meds. So we'll see how that works. I just wanted to let you guys know what happened, I will be writing more later, when I have time. So you guys take care and don't lose hope. This was just a lapse, I haven't completely fallen, nor do I plan too. I still have hope. Keep hope alive guys. I will write more later. Take Care!

4-3
Ok, the day after and I’m still doing well. I don’t think it has sunk in quite yet. I mean I really did a number on my arm this time. I’ve made the dreaded phone calls to parents and doctors. Still waiting to hear back from one doc. So far its going well, except its hard to talk to the parents. They get sad and disappointed and then want me to come home or something. But its best if I stay here, I do better at school than home. I have to say that I have the best friends in the world. They’ve helped me so much and been so caring. I am a very lucky person. I’m not sure where I’d be without them, especially with one in particular. Yes I have created, once again, quite a mess and I’m sorry for that, but I’m better and I have hope. I am not suicidal, which is a wonderful thing. I’m just a girl whose gone through shit and now I’m trying to find myself and my way again. Am I mad/sad that this happened again, of course. But am I going to spiral further out of control b/c I cut again, no. I am going to accept the fact that I cut again, that I had my moment of weakness, but that I can go on. I don’t need to completely fall apart because of this one incident. I can gain strength from this. I’ve recognized more triggers, I know when stress does get beyond my coping level. That’s when I must reach out. Despite my pride and how well I think I can do something by myself. So I hope that you guys can gain strength even when you think your falling apart. I use those times as lessons. Big lessons!
So yeah, I hadn't cut in a while, but I had the straw that broke the camels back. I’m learning new coping mechanisms, but this time I just wasn’t strong enough, but I know I will get there eventually. Just need time. So I’m holding out, having hope and thankful that I have the great friends that I do.
Well that’s all I have for today. Please email me if you wanna talk, need help or whatever. I’m here for you. Talk to you guys later, Take Care!

4-2
Well guys, I gotta tell you this. I flipped out, I lost it and I cut. Yes, the Erin who WAS in recovery has relapse. Hey shit happens. I won’t lie to you. Recovery was getting rocky, with the new meds and all and then shit happens (car blew up- caught on fire on highway, I had to put it out. The engine is shot- need 3500 bucks!) so I lost it and majorly cut. My roommate walked in afterward, got an RA, then I made a nice trip to the ER. Wasn’t too shabby, got treated well etc. Didn’t have to go to psych ward and in fact I am going to make/start a group for SI, the psych consult guy gave me the idea. He was pretty cool and the hospital was lucky to have him. Its always nice when you run into nice mental health professionals. Lords knows there are far too many crappy ones.
Its always interesting to me, seeing how lucid I am after I cut. Right now, I am absolutely fine, laughing, joking and everything's ok. I don’t know what to say. I do know that this time was real bad and I think it’ll be just the thing to jolt me back to recovery. I’ve never had this many cuts at once and I’ve really scared me and everyone else. I scared me because I couldn’t stop! I was on the floor, feeling faint and I still couldn’t stop. Its weird. So I hope and pray I’m done. I keep this website and now I’m creating a group, plus I have docs up the wazoo, so we’ll see how that goes. And guys, I may have fallen, but I still have hope. Never lost it. Just too many stressors at once. I know how to deal with the little things without cutting, but I’m still working on dealing with big stuff without cutting. Its hard, but I think with time I will do it. I’ve already been able to conquer little stuff, step by step. I’ve made it this far, I know I can make it. I’m too stubborn to leave this world and I don’t want to leave ya’ll stranded.
So to sum it up, shit happened, I didn’t know what to do, I cut, went to E.R., got patched up, came back, write rant, and that brings us to now! I will post more tomorrow, my arm is starting to go numb from too much typing! Remember to have hope no matter what guys. There is a light. Just might take time to get there. Take Care.

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