MARCH RANTS 2002
Well I was bored and in a really good mood, so I thought, what the Hell, I'll
post something up. Well since this past weekend I've been in a great mood and
everything seems to be going well, perhaps the meds have kicked in. But I must
say it was some scary shit when they weren't kicked in! So the urges, they've
come, but gone too, so I'm doing all right. Suicide has only been a fleeting
thought. So I guess life is going all right, right now. Granted, many times
it changes in an instant, but for now its good and I'm happy for once. School
has been keeping me busy some, gotta lot of work to do. And I've been able to
really concentrate so that's cool. I guess my motto for this week is "Life is
Good" I figure that since I post the bad frequently I would post the good too.
And I am good. Soon I'll be getting a therapist off campus, so that's cool.
I see my doc on Friday for the check in with the meds. So its all good. Well
I better get back to work (yuck). Let me know if ya'll need anything. I'm here
for you!!! Take Care.
3-18
Well, hmmm, life's been interesting lately... (Disclaimer: Mikki, what is said
here does not have to do with you- so please don't worry about it!!!)I don't
think I'm quite over being suicidal. Last week was pretty terrible. But right
now, I keep seeing that one image I mentioned of me laying on the floor etc.
Boy that would scare the shit out of me- a. I would be very hurt, I don't want
my roommate walking in (I've tried to keep her away from my...problems...) or
something else. But sometimes...sometimes I just wonder if I should do it, you
know, stop the thoughts. But of course I know that is not an option. But can't
help what I think.
Things are just plain hard lately. Sometimes I get tired of fighting, tired
of being so strong, so strong. But wanting to just say the hell with it all.
Why, why must I be so fucking strong...all the time. I have to be strong for
my family, so they won't blame themselves or worry, have to be strong for my
friends, so they don't worry and can come to me when they need help and won't
be afraid of me, I have to be strong for others- so they know there is hope
and they can stop. I have to be strong for me, so I don't end up dead. I feel
like I can never show weakness...but God, sometimes I just want to let go, know
what it feels like to be allowed to be weak, to let someone else be strong for
once.
Ever since I started the whole downward spiral about a year ago, I've had to
be strong, had to stay alive, had to quit cutting, had to learn new defense
mechanisms, had to let people "in" had to find something to keep me going (helping
others), had to make sure I don't fall again, had to make sure I'm happy enough
so people will want to be around me. Will I be loved for who I am? Faults and
all. I've met so few people that won't distance themselves. Or that I don't
know, just seem to truly care. One that will take me, for who I am and help
me through those rough patches. Who can I trust, who will run away? I'm just
so scared of being a burden. Sometimes I just want to know that it'll all be
all right, someone to just hug me and say it'll be all right.
I'm just...very confused right now... do I live, do I die, do I cut, do I not...
what do I do? I'm in the land of...ok the uncharted territory and I have no
map, no compass and no direction. So where does that leave me? Well I better
end this rant, before I have to put it under triggering! I'll be fine, I'll
make it through. You guys take care, ok?
3-18
WHEW! That's all I have to say. I am alive, again :-) Last week, well last week
was shitty. I wanted to kill myself a lot! But every now and then I'd have lucid
moments and remember my family/friends and this website that supposed to bring
hope. Sorry about such a bad rant the other day. But I promised there would
be no bullshitting and I would write what I felt. And now I feel great... the
suicide thoughts for the most part have subsided. I was close last week, I know.
The thing that bothers me is that I really didn't tell too many people- professionals
that is. I still seem to have trouble getting help. I just couldn't bring myself
to tell anyone- I guess I think its a weakness, though I know its not.
I was saved last time because I was over the edge and my counselor found out
about it...now I bounce around. It's the bouncing around that scares me because
the suicide moments are intertwined with good moments, so I may not realize
what's going on. Oh well, its over and done with.
Please if you are feeling suicidal do get help...there are plenty of websites
and of course the suicide hotline.
Well I know this rant is more about suicide than cutting, but hey, that's what
was going on then... I may have a rant later today or tomorrow on cutting. I
hope you guys are taking care. Email me if ya need anything! Take Care!
3-13
The feeling bad is getting worse. I've written a triggering rant, so if you
want to view it you must click on the link Triggering Rant. Another warning-
this one is very triggering and has to do with suicide instead of cutting. Please
read with care and don't read if you have sharps at hand or you even have the
littlest feeling. I don't bullshit you guys here, but at the same time I do
not want this website triggering you guys in any way so please view this page
responsibly.
Triggering Rant
Talk to you guys later. Take Care.
3-12
Ah, well having a bad day. Like I’ve said before, I don’t bull shit here… I
tell you my story of recovery uncensored, b/c well frankly for some it might
be this way, maybe worse, maybe better…but here’s my view. Its not an easy road
and I’m not going to sugar coat it. Sometimes I just get in these states of
mind…I don’t know how quite to explain it. Its like I get really frustrated
and come close to just losing it. Like I want to hurl something, hit something
hard or cut myself. I do none of them. But it builds and I get testy and pissed
and anxious. That bothers me a lot. Oh I forgot to tell you guys… I got some
new meds- instead of Zoloft, I’m taking Celexa. Started last Monday, so I guess
we’ll see how that goes. Just so you guys know, the risk is now higher that
I might cut because I don’t know if these meds will work, hopefully I’ll be
safe and that’s what I’m betting on. I hope my week gets better, I don’t like
feeling like this. I just feel like I’m losing control and I hate that feeling.
I’m trying to keep my thoughts at bay… hopefully it’ll work. I hate it when
my thoughts spiral out of control and I can’t stop it.
Well on to other subjects. I was just thinking about how I used to dissociate
myself from the cutting, like it was someone else. I’ve come to realize that
I think I do that quite a bit. Sometimes I just write things or do things that
just don’t seem like me or its like wow, did I really do/write that. And then
there are times (like now) when I know I’m not myself and I just want to snap
back, I want to be “me” again. Cutting used to bring me back, but what do I
use now. I know I’m supposed to fight my inner voice telling me the crappy stuff,
but its so hard and I don’t quite understand how to do that yet. I hope I figure
it out soon, I’d like to be able to snap myself back into place.
Well, I got some work to do, more later guys. Let me know if ya need anything.
Take care.
September
Rants
August Rants
July Rants
June Rants
May Rants
April Rants
March Rants
February Rants
January Rants
Something happened to my December rants, I'll try to find them!
November Rants
