September 2002 Rants

9-30
Starting all over again. This madness reigns free. Takes what it wants and leaves me to the waste side. Over and over again I fall from grace. I cannot sustain life it seems. My life is one big cycle and it is not changing.

I'm in remission from self injury, it's true. But when these times crop up, it takes every ounce of my will to keep away from the blade. The thoughts consume me and all I seem to think about is the blood, the release, the pain, the want to cut. I know I don't need to cut, I've been so many months without it, but it never makes this fight any easier. It's just all such madness and it's driving me crazy. My life is slipping away from me again and I don't know how to stop it. I feel I'm losing myself yet again. I'm holding out my "front," my mask, and taking everything in again. For a while it seemed I was in sync, but now I feel the split occuring and that is just never good. It means one day, again, there will come a point when the two sides clash and again, I shall go into the hospital. But it must be different this time, I'm doing everything people have told me to do. I've not taken on too much, not in a relationship, good friends, some good grades, a counselor, meds. The whole nine yards and yet I'm about to fly off the handle again.

It's so hard right now. I must take deep breath's, sit and just be.

Ah, hell that isn't working anymore. I just already feel the cloud above that won't go away. I feel the feelings I don't want to feel, I see the things happening that I dont' want happening, I have the urges that I wish would stay away and I have the thoughts I shouldn't be thinking. Sucks like that. I'll see my counselor in the morning, thank goodness I suppose. But I don't know how much we can solve in fifty minutes and then it's a whole week till I go again etc etc.

Whatever, I think I'm rambling now. I am staying strong and it sucks. But no, I won't fail again... I have too much to lose now. Hope you guys are staying strong and will talk with you guys later. Please bare with me as I'm struggling, I will be getting to your emails shortly, that I promise! Talk to you soon. Take Care.

9-24 (more updates :-))
What is up with my sadness thing. By that, I mean I can't feel that way, or don't want to feel that way. I can't stand to say I'm sad etc. Do I feel sad? I do not know. I feel so aversive to that term. That is interesting to me. Why can't I stand sadness?

Okay time for a little cool fact. A friend of mine that I made this year- in high school she used to self injure (burn). Not that its cool, but its the first time I've had a friend and then later found out they have SI in their past. I mean I've had friends that I started out knowing they SI, kinda why we befriended etc. She's also really the first friend that explicitly noticed my scars on my left arm and actually knew what they were from. It's just interesting to me.
Okay, next thing (sorry I'm jumping around so much, its just how my mind is working right now) I was thinking of how I stopped SI (for a really good description, see April 11th or so rants!) Just about the choice I made. Drawing the line and choosing not to step over it, not crossing it. I can take a blade in my hand and it is my choice if I cut with it, or drop it. I drop it now- but I remember when I didn't' let go. I was in the mindset and by then I was too far gone. You get in the mind set that that's what you want to do and you can't stop yourself. So then you learn to recognize when you start to think that way. I think that is where the choice comes in. When you're in the store (and this can be generalized by the way) and you stare at all the box of blades. You can choose to buy them or choose to turn around and leave. You won't be struck dead if you turned away, you won't die, you won't be punished- nothing happens- you have nothing to lose and so much to gain if you walk away, but if you do pick them out you have everything to lose and nothing to gain. As hard as it is to turn away I guarantee you'll feel such empowerment.
Of course, when you are faced with holding that blade in your hand, you can still turn it down. I've had many nights like that. I take the blade and hold it, then I just stare...finally it makes its way to the floor, not my flesh. And I feel so much better, stronger. As much as you think you need it, want it- you don't. You don't need it. That is a simple, true fact that we have such a hard time grasping. But do it once (drop the blade) and you can do it again.
Okay, I have an idea now. I CHALLENGE each and every one of you to put down the blade one day when you have the urge, you have it in your hand. Or even if you want to do it- but then don't. I challenge you all to do this. And then see how you feel. Email me, if you want, let me know you've done this and how you felt. Just once, put it down when you wanna do it. What have you got to lose by taking on this challenge?

Well I think I'm all out of thoughts and I've got to get to my job, working with autistic kids. Something to put a smile on my face :-D. Hope ya'll are doing well, take the challenge and Take Care.

9-24
Well I'm in an extremely good mood right now. I just got back from my counseling session with my new counselor. Awesome! I'm so happy. Things sure do have a way of working out. The counselor on campus that I had, she was so very cool and has helped me so much. It helped she was a hard ass and didn't let me get by with anything. So I was afraid I wouldn't get one like that again, but I did. So I'm pretty happy. I think things will start looking up again. 

It's so hard living a life where I don't know what is what, what's real, what's imagined, what I feel, what I don't feel. I know ya'll go through that or you wouldn't cut. You don't feel, or don't know what to feel, so cutting gives you something to feel, even if for only a moment. But I'm telling you, putting down the blade and making yourself go through all of life's emotions- it's worth it. It's so very rough at first, it's so overwhelming, but eventually you get a handle on it and life become better. 
I may hate going through so many emotions, like sadness or anger, but when you just grin and bare it, it all becomes worth it. Well I gotta get to class, but thought I'd say a bit! I'm in a good mood, what can I say. Catch you guys later, stay safe and Take Care.

9-23
Just wanted to say that I found an old November entry, so I'm putting it in that months category!

9-23
I ask that ya'll bare with me for a few days. I know I have several emails I need to write to ya'll and I'll do that as soon as I can. Though right now I have to deal with a few things, so please just give me a few days to get things sorted out. I'm sorry for the delays and for any inconvenience. I will write ASAP. Hope everyone is doing well and if you really really need an answer fast or need help fast, please don't hesitate to email me, and just indicate in the subject that you need an answer fast or something. Thanks you guys. Take care.

9-16
I know I haven't been too active recently, especially in regard to emails, but I'm hoping to answer ALL of them tonight...I was sick last night and couldn't get to it and I wasn't here all weekend! Sorry guys, but I am getting to it tonight! Just wanted to let you guys know that.

9-10
AHHHHHhhhhhhhh...okay there. Out of system. I am scared. I am confused. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm hyper. I'm sick of this shit. There that covers it. Oh, in love :-)

Now back to the crappy emotions. Again and again and again I cycle. Fall/Spring: hyper, lots of idea's/thoughts, little sleep and don't miss it, just so "high". Spring: CRASH. Summer: recover. This bites. Again this Fall I am exhibiting the same old symptoms. And I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of not knowing what I'll do next, not know if I'll crash this Spring. My psychiatrist is convinced I have Depression and whatever problems I have result from the meds. My psychologist thinks I have a from of Bipolar and he's a dork for thinking otherwise. My psychologist see's me constantly, has delved into my mind and has seen me more all year. My pdoc see's me little, how are the meds, fine and dandy and I leave. Deep isn't it?! So who am I to believe? What am I to believe? Will I ever be normal? I just don't want to feel so crazy. And for once I want to stay on this Earth so bad it hurts. But I want to know what is normal for me! 

I just need to know, I just need to get better. I'm scared that if I continue on the anti-D's that this will just continue, my huge flux of emotions and moods...but a mood stabilizer...would that make a difference? Could I be a stable person for once? I just want things to be okay, I don't want to suddenly mess things up...ya know? I want to make sure what I'm doing now is not screwy or going to later screw things up. I just don't want to feel crazy. 

9-2
Ah, in a writing mood again...had a lot of that lately! Well, this is another night where I am praying someone is going to stay safe and alive, so at the end here I am going to post my favorite song for this again. I hope she stays safe and just grabs hold of that flicker of light needed to stay alive. There really is so much to live for...sure I haven't always said that, quite the opposite actually. I've been to the dark so many times, where I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe, couldn't go another day...and yet everyday I was still here. I'll never forget the times when I couldn't see beyond the next hour, everything seemed to have gone to hell and I thought it could only get worse. I couldn't see that people actually cared for me...I couldn't look past my own suffering. Everyday was a mountain to be climbed and I'd get tired right after I'd start. I remember hurting so bad when I tried to see my future- all I could see was pain and hurt and how much I was hurting those around me by living. I felt like a worthless piece of crap and believed that with all my heart.
But then a great thing happened...I had someone believe in me, someone who could see through me and give me just enough hope to actually reach out for help finally. I wanted to die so bad it hurt...but that voice just swirled around and the assurance that things could get better, I just couldn't see it. So I finally decided that I've lost everything, it wouldn't hurt to do it her way, get help etc. I balked at first and was as stubborn as can be at the hospital- joked around and had a smile plastered to my face...and I came home in worse condition and of course had to go back...finally letting go and wondering if all this talk about recovery could happen...to me. Was I worth saving? Could I be saved? Those were questions I needed answered...before I chose death. Then a funny thing happened...I started to heal. It was damn hard at first...but little by little I healed. It took over a year for me to finally be in good health and it was one hell of a ride...but I remember it started with a teeny tiny step which I didn't think I could take.
So no matter how hard it all seems, how dark the passage may seem and how weak you may feel...you have enough strength to reach out. Even if you can't see what's in front of you, believe me, the veil can be lifted, if you just give it all a chance. I ask you this: what have you got to lose? By the time you've fallen to the bottom or even close to the bottom...there's really no way asking for help can hurt you worse. There is no harm in trying. I just offer that...try, take a chance for once, gamble on your life and watch yourself win.

Angel
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

I just ask God to give her the same second chance He gave me...is that too much to ask? Well I hope ya'll are safe and sound and talk to me if ya need me! Take Care.

9-1
Life is funny. I think it has this wry subtle humor. Sometimes you wonder if its all one big joke, or does some of this shit really happen. Recently I've surprised a friend of mine. When we met, I was all sportsy (I love sports!) and in her words, "hard core". I take not much crap from anyone, get things done, go all out. Now, we're out of the summer and into college...and I've shined through. I have a soft side and that is love. I've met someone that is special to me and yes, I am a bit giddy and happy. I've transformed into a hopeless romantic. And with my brothers- love makes me soft to them. I look at their face and melt. In the past....I was quite hard core, didn't take any crap and never lightened up. So now I'm faced with the question: have I always had this soft side and now its showing itself...or has my last two years changed me. I think it can be a little of both, they worked together. Like this soft side would not have come up, had the last two years not happened.
I finally realized that life is too short putting up a strong front. If you go through life without experiencing love, well then you haven't lived. I almost lost everything. Everything! You never know what that can do to a person until it happens. I died, killed myself...though it wasn't physically (though damn close, unfortunately)...it still happened. I am not the person I once was. Am I still a bit "hard core"? I think in some ways yes...like I really don't care too much what other people think of me, I have my beliefs, faiths, principles...and I'm not going to compromise them for anybody. Do I see things as all cut and dried...maybe a little too frequently, but hey that's me. But though I still have parts of me still attached, I arose different. I appreciate life's gifts so much more. One of them being love. I've learned that it can destroy you and save you. It can pick you up and shoot you down. It can melt a heart of ice and turn a heart into ice. Love can do so many things...yes both good and bad. But the power it welds is amazing. I closed myself up for so very long, not even the love of my family entered. I thought I knew what it was and I thought it was dangerous and to be avoided. And then that part of me died and now, love is what's worth living for. If I didn't have love, I'd sure as hell be dead right now.
So do I get giddy when love comes around, do I smile a little more, laugh a little more and have eyes full of life? Hell yeah I do, because life is too fucking short live without these emotions, these feelings.
Why am I writing this rant? I don't know, just felt like it. Well it helps I just so a romantic movie with my friend questioning. I've reflected on the changes that have taken place in me, hell just in the last year. I had the chance to leave this world, to say goodbye to all the fucking suffering, to the pain, the tears, the sadness and all the hell I've put myself through. I could've not tried, not fought and just laid down and taken my fate. But I didn't...because life suddenly became worth living. The night I almost ended it all, it was the love of my guidance counselor that kept me here, and then it became my families love, my friends etc. It has kept growing.
When your faced with life or death and all its finality, things change. Or you will choose death. I've chosen life so many times now, and each time the deciding factor became love...and hope (which we all know how I feel about that). You wanna find out about yourself and your beliefs? The greatest comes when you are faced with living or dying, fighting or quitting, winning or losing, loving or hating. I tested my will to live to the max and I'll be damned if it didn't change me. And you know what? I wouldn't change a damn thing. I do not regret what has happened and I will live through this life, loving each step of the way.

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