FUNANTICS CHILDREN'S THEATER PLAY SCRIPTS
~ ONLINE ~

Children's Plays -- Funny Community Theatre Scripts & Puppet Plays
Low Budget, Low Cost, Inexpensive, Cheap or Royalty Free (Yes! Free!)
Comedy! Drama! Mystery! Educational!
Playscripts for Children, Kids & Youth
Elementary, Middle, Jr. or High School Dramatics

• PLUS: Personal communication with the author via email or phone
• Scripts for $10 per performance or $30-$50 for unlimited performances
• Scripts for $10 for unlimited performances
• Scripts for free

My Theater: FIREHOUSE THEATER in Fort Wayne, IN

Section A:
$10 Per Performance Scripts
or pay more and get unlimited performances

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Dr. Frankenstreudel's Lemon Fresh Laboratory of Horrors <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
(Four squabbling urchins escape a mad doctor, a Julia Child / Frankenstein monster, a sickly lab rat and ravenous zombies. Educational, witty and absurd with lots of action.)

Actors: 2 boys, 2 girls, 7 adults or big kids (or 4 if Dr. F, Eyegore & Misty also play zombies). In a pinch, cast can be all female with one male (burly Eyegore), or all male with one female (Petunia)
Length: 55 minutes. 5 scenes. Medium tech complexity. At least a 3 1/2 foot high platform for graveyard scene.
Cost: $10 per performance or $30 for unlimited performances. Order Me!
FREE: Scene 1
Quotes: "Those little wretches ruined my best spoons prying the bars of their cages!" -- Eyegore
"They may be mindless, flesh-eating zombies, but they are still your elders." -- Old Man Wellard


Auditioning a Ghost <--Click here!
(from the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle story, "Selecting a Ghost")
by Jeannette Jaquish
(Be careful what you wish for. Hauntings are forever.)

Actors: 10, at least 3 females, at least 3 males
Length: 35 minutes. 2 scene changes (just move furniture). Medium tech complexity.
Cost: $10 per performance or $30 for unlimited performances. Order Me!
FREE: Scene 1
Quotes: "I'm ashamed to host even a tea party with no story to tell. A real castle should have a ghost." -- Gladys, spoiled daughter
"And I thought we plunked your inheritance in to this drafty old castle for the prestige of a wall-size fireplace over which to hang our mail order coat of arms. You should have told me you wanted a ghost. We could have bought a nice RV and parked it over a few plots in the cemetery." -- Montague, the father



Pippsi Longknickers <--Click here!
(inspired by Pippi Longstockings by Astrid Lindgren)
by Jeannette Jaquish
(Freckled bombshell bullies bullies, gooses high society and does her part for intergalactic harmony.)

Actors: 16 to 25, including 5 smaller and 5 larger
Length: 75 minutes or less (scenes may be cut). 7 scenes. Medium tech complexity but a lot of it.
Cost: $10 per performance or $30 for unlimited performances. Order Me!
FREE: Tea Party Scene
Quotes: "Spelling bee award? How nice! Now you can hold your head up high around the prettier girls." -- Mrs. Belittleton
"Once Grandma's servant stole her grand piano but she had no place to hide it so she dragged a carpet over it and told Grandma that the house's foundation was settling unevenly!" -- Pippsi


The Frog Prince and the Princess Brat <--Click here! (with optional songs)
by Jeannette Jaquish
(What's a few warts?)

Actors: 6 to 14 depending on short or long version.
Length: 20, 50 or 75 minutes. 4, 5 or 7 scenes. Medium tech complexity.
Cost: $10 per performance, or $30 for unlimited performances. Order Me!
A bratty princess, an obnoxious frog, an imperious Queen beating on her sarcastic butler, two snotty visiting princesses, and a grinning boy prince. This script is fast moving, creative, surprising and funny, funny, funny!

Quotes: "A prince?? Not likely, talking like that. If you were ever a human you held out a beggar's hat." -- Princess Conceita
"I teased a frail old woman, begging on the road. I kicked her cane to make her fall and Poof!--I was a toad." -- Frog


The Strange Saga of Lucky the Leprechaun <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
This new script is very funny, very witty, yet simple technically. I am very proud of it. Scenes are easy to memorize. Uses 3 to 7 kids and 6 or more bigger kids or adults.
Lucky the Leprechaun's growth spurt ends his career as Lucky Charms' mascot. The Trix Rabbit cannot deny his secret longing or curb his compulsion. In the secret Leprechaun Slave Marshmallow Mines the seeds of conspiracy are revealed.
Excerpts: LUCKY: Ralph! Ralph, me boy! Show some charity to the wee ones. Hello me little lads and lassie. You’re a fine lookin’ bunch. And sure you’ll be wantin’ an autograph to show your friends back home?
KID 2 - Look, Look who it is!
KID 3 - It’s Lucky. It’s Lucky! He’s old! He’s old, and big! (EXIT screaming)
Later... DIRECTOR - I’m sorry you found out like this Lucky. The Big Guy, he thinks you’re getting a bit old for this role, I mean how old are you? 300?
LUCKY - I’m just 298!
DIRECTOR - And it appears you’ve had a growth spurt lately. We just can’t get actors any bigger to play the children without borrowing from the NBA or Ripley’s Believe it or Not.

Length: about 35 minutes. Cost: $10 for one performance or $30 for unlimited performances. Order Me!


Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, by Lewis Carroll <-- Click here!
adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
Actors: 23 to 40 all ages.
Length: 2 hours but never boring. Medium tech complexity. Simple sets.

Cost: $10 per performance or $30 for unlimited performances. Order Me!


Summary: This is the best stage adaptation of Alice in Wonderland that you are going to find.
Main stage scenes alternate with shorter scenes in front of the closed curtain to allow set changes behind curtain.
Ingenious low tech special effects allow Alice to grow and shrink.

Alice falls down the Rabbit Hole, grows and shrinks in the Hallway of Doors, falls in her Pool of Tears, meets the ill-tempered Mouse, panicky wet creatures and the Pompous Dodo while the newly invented Mole and Horsefly characters add humor. She grows too big for the White Rabbit's House, kicks Bill the Lizard out the chimney, extracts some information from the aloof Caterpillar and recites "You are Old Father William". She encounters pepper, flying kitchen objects and a flung crying baby in the Duchess's House, gets direction from the Cheshire Cat, meets the wacky Mad Hatter and March Hare, goes through the door in the tree back to the Hallway of Doors where she finally gets the key and shrinks so she can enter the beautiful garden. She rescues the guards painting the roses red, plays croquet with a flamingo, hears the Mock Turtle's sad story, and stands up for the Knave at a sham trial.
Alice begins the play as an impulsive, self-pitying, stubborn young girl, but finishes it as a witty, brave, thoughtful young lady.



Wizard of Oz
adapted for stage by Jeannette Jaquish
A blend of the MGM musical and the original book by Frank Baum, with additional scenes by Jeannette Jaquish giving more action and lines to the flying monkeys (plus a hilarious witch and monkeys song), more lines and scenes for the Emerald Citizens and Winkie Guards. The Wizard appears in the Kansas scenes as a vacuum cleaner salesman.
This is not a simple play but very entertaining, improving on both the book and the movie.
Length: 2 hours 10 minutes.
Cast: 20, including 7 monkey/munchkins, and 4 Emerald Citizens/Winkie Guards. Cost: $10 per performance or $30 for unlimited performances. Order Me!





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Section B:
$10 = Unlimited Performance Scripts
10-20 minutes, simple tech, witty & fun, unlimited performance

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Don't Look in the Lake, by Jeannette Jaquish
Cost: $10 for unlimited performances. Order Me!
A spooky, dangerous, little gem of life at camp. Incredibly fun and not too hard to perform. Audiences laugh a lot.
Lousy food, creepy counselors, dead possum art projects, electric fences and hoeing the tobacco fields; and just when the week is almost over, the campfire stories start coming true.
Cast: 2 boys, 2 or 3 girls (can be all girls or all boys), 1 creepy janitor, 2 counselors.
Props: 2 clipboards, bin of recyclables, fake campfire, 2 balloons, broom or mop. Table & 4 chairs.
Tech: Quick but simple set changes. Need lighting for night scenes
Themes: abusive counselors, dangerous situations, running away, the living dead, relentless humor, sarcastic kids vs the cheerful kids.
Length: About 16 minutes.



Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Voice <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
Harry is once again locked in his room where Dobby & Winky come to him with a warning to save not his life but at least his career. At Hogwarts things are changing, Snape is furious at Ron's spilled potion, time is twisting and the house elves whisper about "The Master". Very funny, witty and technically simple. 11 or 12 actors.
EXCERPT: DUMBLEDORE Dumbledore, Dumbledore, Dumble Dumble Dumble-dore! Good day, Draco, I’ll have a peppermint latte and a fresh ram’s bladder stuffed with curded cheese and drizzled with Belgian chocolate.
MALFOY You’ll pay for that, Dumbledore! $7 sickles and 3 knuts!
HERMIONE What’s wrong, Harry? Has Dumbledore changed as well?
(HARRY watches DUMBLEDORE searching his robe pockets, hat, then inside his shoes, then lifting his robe to search his boxer shorts, sticking his hand down the leg and startling himself when it comes out again.)
DUMBLEDORE Oh, dear, I do believe I’ve misplaced my meal ticket!
HARRY No, Dumbledore’s the same as ever.
RON (taking his first bite of sandwich) Harry’s right! Things have changed!
HERMIONE What! What’s changed?
RON This is surplus government cheese! Gross!
HERMIONE Oh, Ron. That’s not important!
RON I can’t get it off my molars! Three sickles for a government cheese sandwich. Bloody hell.
Cost: $10 for unlimited performances. Order Me!



You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
DESCRIPTION: Neither the therapist or the at-her-wits-end-wife realize that the husband's recent crude, grabby and drooling behavior is because he has been bitten on a camping trip and turned into a zombie. Very funny as the husband flops and lurches around the stage as the wife shoves him off as he tries to eat her head, and the therapist explains everything as a psychological manifestation. Slightly PG, but could be edited to remove the line.
CAST: 2 couples and the therapist: male or female.
TECH NEEDS: 3 sturdy chairs, therapist can have a cheat sheet on a clipboard
------
EXCERPT:
WIFE: Can we talk about my husband's increasingly agressive behavior? Like last week, when we were in K-mart, he tried to get my whole scalp in his head! I had to hit him with a can of paint to make him stop. And then I had slobber all over my hair. I had to go to the paper products aisle and open up a roll of paper towels to wipe my head off. People were looking!
THERAPIST: Ralph, your public display of affection is embarrassing your wife. Can you hear the humiliation in her voice?
RALPH: I sorry...
WIFE (sarcastically): Oh. More words. Big improvement.
THERAPIST: Yes, it is a big improvement. Thank you, Stephanie. Even a counselor appreciates a compliment now and then.
------
LENGTH: about 10 minutes
COST: $10 for unlimited performances. Order Me!



Lost Hearts, by M. R. James <--Click here!
adapted by Jeannette Jaquish
DESCRIPTION: M.R. James is a respected author of the 1800's whose well written suspense stories were very popular. In "Lost Hearts" an orphan is unexpectedly sent for by his elderly rich eccentric cousin who is unusually interested in his age and ancient religions and immortality. He hears of two other orphans taken in who then disappeared, then he is visited by two young murdered ghosts. As Mr. Abney arranges for Stephen to meet him secretly after hours on the vernal equinox, an evil plot is revealed. Happy ending.
CAST: Stephen, Mrs. Bunch, Mr. Parkes, Mr. Abney
TECH NEEDS: furniture re-arranging set changes, need a fake fireplace, chairs, table, desk, bed with bedding, and the ability to run fishing line through a pulley in the ceiling.
EXCERPT: STEPHEN (stands) It was the girl I saw in my dream. She was still standing like this (arms crossed over heart) and a boy, very skinny; his hands were up like this. And ... he had a hole here, over his heart. He scared me.

MR ABNEY Ah, sad lost souls. They’ll wander on and find a resting place somewhere else, I expect.

STEPHEN How do you suppose they died? How did the boy get the hole in his heart?

MR ABNEY No idea.

STEPHEN Aren’t you going to tell me to not tell Mrs. Bunch?

MR ABNEY (soft chuckle) I’ll leave that up to you. Stephen. I want to tell you that I have thoroughly enjoyed your stay here. You have been a bright, cheerful, engaging companion --

STEPHEN Are you sending me away???

MR ABNEY No, no of course not. STEPHEN You said “I have been”.

MR ABNEY And so you have been and so you will be. I propose a toast! (THEY BOTH stand. MR ABNEY hands STEPHEN a champagne glass of liquid and takes the other for himself) Don’t worry, it’s not alcoholic. To you Stephen! And our future together!

STEPHEN To you Mr. Abney! May you live forever!

(MR ABNEY bursts out laughing. They click glasses and drink. Mr. Abney now watches Stephen closely with an observant look.)

STEPHEN What’s so funny, Mr. Abney? ( pause) Sir?

(Mr. Abney does not answer but continues to look. Stephen is puzzled by his lack of answer and then the sedative takes effect. His face slackens and his knees buckle. Mr. Abney reaches forward and smoothly plucks the glass from Stephen’s hand before it spills. STEPHEN crumples to the floor. )
LENGTH: 50 minutes
COST: $10 for unlimited performances. Order Me!



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Section C:
FREE SCRIPTS


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PLEASE!
I can't pay the rent on my theater: Firehouse Theater in Fort Wayne, IN!
PLEASE help me.
If you find a free script you can use, please just
Donate $1 to Jeannette Jaquish / FunAntics at this link:

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Fairy Tales on the Mars Frontier <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
(Fairy tales evolve as pioneer parents on Mars teach values and survival to their kids.)

Actors: 11 to 35 Actors can play multiple parts.
Length: 35 minutes. 3 small scenes within one long scene. Medium tech complexity.
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

Quotes: "Is your dome strong? Mine blew in!"
"My dome sits low below the crater. Aluminum cover like a baked potater." -- Pigs 1 & 2
"Can you stop this purple plague?"
"Stand back and be amazed!"
"I don't know about this piper."
"She is weird."
"And very hyper." -- Townspeople and The Pied Piper
"This is the dome, resistant to shock,
Built by the man who crushed the rock,
That lay on the surface of Red Mars." -- Rock Song



The Spoiled Baloney Man <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
(That cycle of life and death really stinks.)

Actors: 3 puppets, 5 actors or more
Length: 15 minutes. 1 scene. Simple-medium tech complexity
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. See easy details. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

Quotes: "Not a pretty picture, or smell, when BALONEY GOES BAD! Raised by bacteria in a cold microwave oven. Would love, color and stimulation in its childhood have made a difference?" -- Frog



Kiss the Brown Bunny (puppets & actors)<--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
(Cockroach bets Spike the dog that three people will kiss her in three minutes.)

<-- shown here: Folkmanis cockroach puppet.
Actors: 2 puppets, 3 actors
Length: 3-4 minutes. 1 scenes. Very simple tech complexity. Acquiring cockroach puppet is tricky. Rent them from the author. Details on script page.
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.

Quotes: "Cockroach: Even cockroaches have feelings and mine are hurting... Snuggle???
Spike the Dog: Get away from me you filthy insect! Go snuggle in a garbage disposal!"



The Monkey's Paw, by W. W. Jacobs
The classic story of wishes gone bad adapted for stage.
Cast: Old man, old woman, grown son or daughter, Sergeant-Major Morris, Visitor from Maw & Meggins.
Length: 18 minutes.
Tech: 4 scenes. Simple set and costumes. Some quick but simple set changes.
Cost: FREE if you notify author, and give her proper announcement. Easy Rules for Free Scripts.





Bilingual Scripts Mixing Spanish With English <--Click here!
scripted by Jeannette Jaquish
Cost: FREE
Scripts alternate Spanish with English so a person speaking either language can understand, and also learn the other language.
Quotes:
FATHER: Waiter! You have your thumb in my soup!!!
WAITER: (wiping thumb on napkin) Me fama? Gracias, Senor, pero las sopa no es caliente. (Exits)
FATHER: “Thank you but it’s not hot!” I don’t believe it! His dirty thumb was in my soup!
SON: Esta limpia, ahora.
FATHER: Ewwww! You eat. I’m not hungry now.
SON: (spits out first taste) Bleccchh!!
FATHER: Que pasa?
SON: There is a fly in this soup!
FATHER: Una mosca en tu sopa!!! Terrible!!
WAITER (Returns, placing bill on the table): La cuenta.
SON: MESERO! ESTA UNA MOSCA EN MI SOPA!
WAITER: Fly in your soup??? Is that a problem? Are you a vegetarian?!





Hansel and Gretel in the Big Woods -- In Norwegian!Click here!
Cost: FREE



Hansel & Gretel and Other Kindergarten and Young Actor Scripts<--Click here!
Scripts for ages 4, 5, or 6, or older:
-- HANSEL & GRETEL and the BIG WOODS, 14 actors, 1 older Reader
-- LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE, 7 children, 3 or 5 older actors.
-- THE WAY I REMEMBER IT, 12 plus boys and girls.

For young actors,
or Non-readers,
or Little Time to Rehearse,
or Big Actors who Just Want an Easy Script (perform kneeling with shoes on knees).
Funny Scripts with Good Lines and Quirky Humor
FREE!


Short Skits & Easy Plays<--Click here!
scripted by Jeannette Jaquish
with links to many more.
Cost: FREE.
Skits for 2 or more actors. 30 seconds to 10 minutes. From Easy to Medium difficulty
Nutty Nursery Rhymes
Flight of the Vultures
Hansel & Gretel -- Kindergarten Level - Very Fun!
Dino Puppet Jokes
Cereal Killer
Before Eve met Adam
Restaurant skit
Muppet Veterinarian's Hospital
Knock-Knock Jokes - Scout Skits - Joke Skits



Funny Songs to Perform <--Click here!
by Jeannette Jaquish
with links to songs by other authors.

Some Titles: Your Mama Don't Wear No Socks
The Hilarious Intermission Song:

"Sodas full of caffeine; Your heart pounds like a freight train,
Let's go to the lobby and have little snack..."
Gilbert and Sullivan Spoof Songs
Songs from Frog Prince and the Princess Brat
Christmas Song Parodies

HUNDREDS of Scripts, Puppet Plays and Songs by OTHER AUTHORS <--Click here!
WARNING!
Many links to scripts by other authors DO NOT have a link back to this page!
So ADD FUNANTICS to your FAVORITES!

Monty Python
Saturday Night Live sketches
Abbott & Costello
Old Time Radio Scripts: Flash Gordon, Sherlock Holmes, Fibber McGee and Molly
Twilight Zone
War of the Worlds
Muppets' Veterinarian Skits, and other Puppet Plays
Classic TV and Film scripts: Sorry, Wrong Number, Duck Soup, A Christmas Carol (Scrooge) Monologues
Parody Songs
Readers Theater scripts of Folk Tales and Historical Fiction - Read or Act!
Huge Cast School Musicals, Simple or Complex
and GOBS more good scripts!

Halloween, Horror and Mystery Theater Scripts<--Click here!
The Beast of Ghastly Manor
The Shadow radio plays
Sorry, Wrong Number
Twilight Zone Scripts
Phantom of the Opera
and lots more!
(On the page you are on right now, "Don't Look in the Lake" & "Lost Hearts" & "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" are Halloween plays.)






Christmas, Easter, Passover and Thanksgiving Theater Scripts, Songs and Humor<--Click here!
Santa, Elf & Reindeer & non-religious cute Plays
Elfin Antics in Santa's Workshop: There is pandemonium when the reindeer make toys and the elves take flying lessons!
A Christmas Carol: The classic Scrooge, Bob Cratchit, Marley & Tiny Tim mega-production. Lots of lines for supporting roles such as street urchins, storekeeper, Nephew Fred's friends, beggars, bankers, schoolkids!
Cost: $10 per performance or $20 for unlimited performances. Order Me!

FREE SCRIPTS:
Religious Plays: traditional Mary & Joseph and non-traditional new religious based stories
Classic scripts: Scrooge in a Christmas Carol
Creative scripts: Christmas on the Family Feud Game
Absurd scripts: Christmas Allsorts
Christmas spoofs
and more!




Sick of those smarmy Christmas Letters?
Shoestring Youth Theater -- New in Fort Wayne, Indiana!
Photos of my Tucson, Arizona Red Barn beginnings.
The Red Barn in Tucson, Arizona website.

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Harry Potter

Half-Blood Prince Book Review by Jeannette Jaquish ~*~ Goblet of Fire Movie Review by Jeannette Jaquish

A Muggle's Snide Observation
by Jeannette Jaquish
Harry Potter is magical soap opera,
Hormonal teens spouting abracadabra;
But magic makes it too easy,
And Rowling would certainly get queasy,
Composing a duel 'twixt a shotgun and avada kedavra;

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These are misspellings of my name: Jeanette, Janette, Jenette, Jeannete, Jannete, Jennete, Janet, Jennette, Jannette Allen Jaquish Janquish.

You can PHONE ME at the number on this page.

THIS PAGE COUNT HAS ALREADY ROLLED OVER FROM 999,999!

THEATER LINKS & OTHER STUFF

Firehouse Theater in Fort Wayne
Horse Costume Instructions
Theater Exercise/Game: Emotional Rollercoaster
GIANT PUPPETS -- how to make them! So Cool! By PuppetCo.
Build a Puppet Theater or order for $. Dismantles easily! By Gene Powell.
Make a Sock Puppet, by Rachel Moore
Puppetorium: Makers of Character Puppets - Buy Online
Shoestring Theater of Fort Wayne, Indiana
FIND A SCRIPT: Stageplays.com locates all plays published in English. (Hint: go to the publisher listed and order from them. It's cheaper.)
Stuttering: A Simple Semi-Cure: Take a Breath

JOKES to tell or act out.
Guinea Pig Skin Disease! Use Bag Balm or Vaseline to cure itchy, dandruffy, mange caused by mites.
Hoosier Outer Space Settlers (HOSS)
Bed-wetting is NOT caused by Laziness! Cure urinary tract infections with cranberry.
Funny Fillers to put in theater printed program or on bulletin boards