A quirky, action-packed St. Patrick's Day - or any day - Theater Script!
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Contact the Playwright, Jeannette Jaquish
LENGTH: About 55 minutes long.
SYNOPSIS: Lucky the Leprechaun's growth spurt (he's a gawky 6 foot tall!) ruins the General Mills studio shoot and ends his career as Lucky Charms' mascot. Depressed, he wallows in a bowl of his favorite cereal but soon he has to explain to the cops what went out his window.
The Trix Rabbit cannot deny his secret longing or curb his compulsion. Lucky calls Dr. Laura for advice and she lets him have it before masked goons pop him into a pillowcase and kidnap him. In the secret Lucky Charms Marshmallow Mines, Lucky is pummeled and accused of luring leprechauns into a life of slavery.
CNN Congressional Hearings hear disturbing testimony from Animal Rights Liberators about the contents of a test tube, and a leprechaun dies on live TV.
What crackerjack news gathering organization will get the scoop on who framed Lucky the Leprechaun and infected the Trix Rabbit? Hint: it won't be NBC!< br>
HUMAN RIGHTS AND MORALITY ISSUES -- This script is a very engaging way to recognize discrimination and exploitation under the law and labeling used to justify mistreatment, such as intelligent non-humans not having rights. The villains are deliberate and conniving or imperious and dismissive - the audience will recognize the evil in their behavior. Some of the good guys have flaws such as being exclusive in who they rescue. Some of the victims don't care about other victims. Shades of right and wrong.
The last scene brings in every major character to smartly and bravely defend Lucky from being framed for a crime.
COPYRIGHT VIOLATION FEARS? -- This script shows the product and mascots of two cereal and one cookie manufacturer but in no way is pretending they are real. This story is all parody which is a "fair use" of copyrighted material if the use is not a "substantial use" of the copyrighted material, is a "valid parody" or shows a "degree of transformation" which should be satisfied by the story's foundation that cereal commercials are true and cereal mascots are real beings in our real world, and what natural consequences could happen as they interact with advertising, studio video production, metabolic changes, unemployment, police investigations, advice radio hosts, organized crime, government, legislation and amateur TV talk shows.
If you are still nervous, you can change Lucky Charms to Plucky Charms, and Lucky to Plucky, Trix Cereal to Trixy Cereal, Dr. Laura to Dr. Flora, and Keebler to Kreebler.
EDGY MYSTERY, slightly PG: This show has lots of hilarious characters, action, and ridiculous situations around a logical mystery which is revealed in the climactic ending.
The script is slightly PG with bits about test tube birth, a misunderstanding about a girl named Trixie, a leprechaun trying and failing to get drunk on Strawberry Quik, a cop wanting to do a "search", and speculation about a Leprechaun using lots of clover, but it is all ridiculously funny, and little kids won't understand those parts anyway. This a great show for mixed ages.
CHARACTERS & the SCENES they 1st appear (LUCKY is in every scene):
Scene 1 – Lucky Charms Commercial
DIRECTOR RALPH KEESTER also KIDNAPPER #1 later
SOUND CHECK (optional – can be Camera 1)
ACTOR also JOHN GROOVY-HOST later
Scene 2 – Attacker – begins with closed curtain
PARENT, SMART MOUTH KID
Scene 3 – Dr. Laura Show – closed curtain
Scene 4 – Marshmallow Mines
Scene 5 – Lucky’s fan mail – closed curtain
SECRETARY GLADYS WOODS
Scene 6 – Congressional hearing
ANNOUNCER 1 -
ANNOUNCER 2 -
SENATOR 1 –
SENATOR 2 –
Scene 7 – Lucky calls the crew – closed curtain
Scene 8 – TV interview
NOTES on CASTING: Actors can play multiple parts with quick costume change, as long as you accommodate all the characters who appear together in the last scene. For instance Kids can be leprechauns. Cop, Detective, Aurora & Dewdrop can also play the Actor and Actress and TV Crew.
SET CHANGES: Closed Curtain scenes are for changing the set onstage. Set changes are no more than bringing chairs and small tables or a few props on and off. If you do not have a front of stage curtain, and do not have a fly system or other fast set change method, the closed curtain scenes could take place under a spotlight or in the audience as the set is changed in semi-darkness.
Scene 1 : LUCKY CHARMS COMMERCIAL
Director Keester, Lucky, Camera 1, Camera 2
Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, Actor, Actress
(CREW 1, 2, 3 are on two cameras and headsets w/microphone. LUCKY, skinny and 6 foot tall, in a leprechaun suit he is outgrowing, is poised center. DIRECTOR to the side. )
DIRECTOR Action! (Director watches as Lucky pirouettes and leaps.)
LUCKY Oh those children! They’re always after me –
DIRECTOR Cut! Can you bring it up an octave, Lucky?
LUCKY Bring it up? I never had to do that before, Ralph. (In a screechy high voice) “Oh, those children, they’re always after me—
DIRECTOR (interrupting) Lucky, Lucky, see the New Designs Board wants um... a lighter style in the mascot now. You know, light soda, light cigarettes, light beer...
LUCKY (squirm of revulsion) Ewww.
DIRECTOR I know, it’s blasphemous, but we gotta follow the money. So can you do me a favor, ol’ pal and try to bring your voice up a notch. Actors! You ready for your entrance.
ACTORS’ VOICES OFFSTAGE Ready!
DIRECTOR Roll tape, Sound Check, and Action!
LUCKY (leaps onto stage, pirouettes and says: ) Ah, those children.. (ENTER adult ACTORS clomping) they’re always after me... These aren’t children.
DIRECTOR Budget cuts, Lucky! All we could get! We’ll fix it in editing! Places!
(Actors run back) Tape still rolling, Sound check, Action!
(LUCKY not satisfied, but repeats action:)
LUCKY Ah, those children (ENTER ACTORS) They’re always after me (ACTORS tackle him.) Aaaaack! Oh, the pain! That’s not in the script!
(ENTER KIDS looking around, lost.)
ACTOR I’m so sorry, Mr. Lucky. I was too in touch with my motivation.
ACTRESS Please, Mr. Lucky. We’ll be more gentle, I promise. We can do it like mimes, right? But mimes that can talk. Is that allowed?
KID 1 Excuse me. We’re looking for the Lucky the Leprechaun try—
DIRECTOR: This is a closed set, kids. You gotta get out!
LUCKY Ralph! Ralph, me boy! Show some charity to the wee ones. Hello me little lads and lassie. You’re a fine lookin’ bunch. And sure you’ll be wantin’ an autograph to show your friends back home?
(The kids are him not recognizing him. One, however, sees something familiar, and looks closely.)
KID 2 Look, Look who it is!
KID 3 (horrified) No! No! It’s his daddy or his grandpa!
LUCKY It’s me, Lucky the Leprechaun. Guess I haven’t made a new commercial for a while, eh Ralph? Kids forgotten me face.
(Kids stare longer.)
KID 1 Say it! Say, “They’re magically delicious”
LUCKY (with extreme trepidation):
They’re magically delicious.
KID 2 (Horror) Aaaaah! It is him!
KID 3 It’s Lucky. It’s Lucky! He’s old! He’s old, and big!
KID 1 I think we’re in the wrong room.
KID 2 They wouldn’t have the tryouts in here!
KID 2 Not with HIM around! (Exit)
LUCKY Tryouts! Tryouts for what???!!
DIRECTOR I’m sorry you found out like this Lucky. The Big Guy, he thinks you’re getting a bit old for this role, I mean how old are you? 300?
LUCKY I’m just 298!
DIRECTOR And it appears you’ve had a growth spurt lately. We just can’t get actors any bigger to play the children without borrowing from the NBA or Ripley’s Believe it or Not. But I know you still got heart for the role, so I scored this shoot for you. The Big Guy wanted to fire you, but I said give him one more chance, and he said I could use this storage locker for the shoot if I cleaned out all the Count Chocula fan mail, and I can use these (insert community college name:) _____________ Media interns if I paid them, so I told them they can graduate early if they did this shoot.
CREW 1 2 3: What?
CREW 1 It wasn’t true?
CREW 2 We didn’t have approval to stop going to class?
CREW 3 If I don’t finish the semester my financial aid comes due!
DIRECTOR And he said I can use these reject actors from the Tidy Bowl tryouts
ACTOR (Shakespearian) Rejects?? This isn’t a commercial for Tidy Bowl?
ACTRESS I’m not a “Housewife Distressed by Odor”?
RUDE KID Nice costume, Weirdo. Maybe you could get a job at Chuckie Cheese!
MOTHER Shhh! Don't talk to him he might follow!
LUCKY I already applied! No one wants a washed up leprechaun!
(HOODED ATTACKER with a large head ENTERS.)
ATTACKER (to cereal, intensely) If I can’t have you, no one can.
(and in 3 swings obliterates the meal, EXITS.)
LUCKY ENTERS unaware of the disaster.)
NEIGHBOR’S VOICE (Knocking) Hey Lucky!
LUCKY Who is it? (tries to clean up spilled cereal, hides box.)
NEIGHBOR’S VOICE It’s me, Lenny from next door. Are you alright? I just saw a guy in a black mask HOP out your window and run away! Are you OK?
(Lucky panics, grabs offstage vacuum or broom and tries to clean up the cereal.
COP VOICE Open up! This is the police!
LUCKY Everything is fine, officer!
COP’S VOICE We have to verify that, ma’am. Open the door please, or we’ll break it down.
( Lucky tries to finish. Turns off vacuum, hides it.)
COP’S VOICE Open the door or stand back – We have stun grenades!
COP Pillow fight. (gesturing toward’s Lucky’s clothes) Oh, yes, thus the pajamas. Strange how the pillows wound up nicely arranged on the couch afterwards.
DETECTIVE (measuring, examining, speaks to Cop.) See the splatter range? 20 foot wide at least. And the impact sprays? I’d say 3 swings. The evidence has been destroyed here at the center,
(nods with a fake smile toward Lucky)
I’m sure the victim didn’t realize he was destroying evidence, Did you, Mr....?
We’ll let you get back to cleaning up all this cereal rolling around your floor.
COP Uh, I was thinking we'd do a "search", Detective.
COP What else?
DETECTIVE Lucky Charms don’t roll.
COP (gasp!) Of course! It was staring me right in the face!
DETECTIVE And something else was rolling on the floor.
DETECTIVE (holds up dark ball) See that?
COP Hmm.. grassy... with a musky afterglow...
DETECTIVE That's bunny droppings, you idiot! You don't eat evidence!(grabs him by the collar and hauls him off) How did you graduate from the academy?
DR LAURA OK, TR. You must have conflicted feelings, right? Something you want but can’t have?
RABBIT I guess so. I really love Trix cereal-
DR LAURA (interrupting) No names! We’ll just use her first name, since you’ve already revealed it, Trixie.
RABBIT OK. um OK.
DR LAURA So you really love Trixie but....
RABBIT It...She.. makes me sick, sick to my stomach.
DR LAURA What does she do that makes you sick?
RABBIT Oh, no, she doesn’t do anything. You see, I can’t digest anything but cellulose. So if I have ...her, I get stomach cramps.
DR LAURA Ah. She is manipulating you well. So, what do you do with her instead?
RABBIT Look at her, smell her, want her. And meanwhile everybody in town gets to have her. It’s not fair.
DR LAURA And our next caller calls herself LL. Hello, LL.
LUCKY Oh, hello. Actually, I’m male.
DR LAURA Sorry, LL, what is your question?
LUCKY Well, I just found out they’re looking to replace me at work.
DR LAURA Why?
LUCKY They think I’m too old and too big for the job.
DR LAURA Maybe it’s time to act on your true feelings -- follow your heart.
LUCKY Follow my heart?... Maybe I should. What I truly love is Trix cereal-
DR LAURA Trixie! TR was right! That tart really does get around. TR, I hope you are listening!
DR LAURA Listen LL. Do not follow your heart! Do not! Do not!
(RABBIT ENTERS, returns to listening to radio.)
LUCKY Uh, uh, what should I do???
DR LAURA Do not call Trixie! Do not think of her. She is cheap trash!
(KIDNAPPERS ENTER and pop a pillowcase over LUCKY, lift and carry him off but he still has the phone.)
DR LAURA I want you to open the want ads..
LUCKY Help me, help me muffle
DR LAURA I’m trying to, LL. Now stay calm.
LUCKY They got me (muffle)
(KIDNAPPER KEESTER prys phone from Lucky.)
DR LAURA They don’t have you. It’s your life, LL, you are in charge. I want you to go to counseling...
KIDNAPPER KEESTER Sorry, wrong number.
(Wipes off his fingerprints, hangs up, KIDNAPPERS EXIT with LUCKY)
LEELA Hey, get up and start zapping these rocks into marshmallows. We ain’t doin’ your work for you! Get up! Get up! (starts kicking him)
LUCKY Ow! Ow! Stop kicking me! I nearly suffocated in that stinking bag. Where am I?
LARRY You’re in the worst place in the world for a leprechaun to be.
LUCKY What? You’re leprechauns? I haven’t seen another of my kind for 30 years!
LEELA Well you’ll be seeing plenty of us from now on. (kick kick) Now get to work!
LUCKY Ow! Ow! Please stop kicking me!
LUDWIG She’s right! Get to work or they’ll make us skip lunch.
LUCKY What’s for lunch?
LARRY, LEELA, LUDWIG Beer.
LARRY Use your magic to turn these rocks into marshmallows.
LEELA But not just any marshmallows!
LUDWIG Aye! They must be magically delicious.
LUCKY Magically delicious! Magically delicious? Ohhhhh.. nooooo..
(he looks into the container, drops to his knees to lift them to his face)
Oh, no!!! Pink hearts, green shamrocks, blue moons! No! These are for Lucky Charms!
LARRY No kidding, Sherlock.
LUCKY I’m Lucky the Leprechaun!
LARRY , LEELA, LUDWIG What???
LEELA You’re the bloody liar that set us up!
(They pounce on him, knocking him down and sit on him with fists up.)
LUCKY Let me see that!
(He snatches the letter and stands up.)
I didn’t write this. That’s not my signature!
LARRY Prove it!
LUCKY Obviously I can’t!
LUDWIG Well, whether you did or didn’t, you’re stuck here now, just like us.
(shoves him toward rocks) So get to work!
AURORA We are the Animal Liberation Strike Force and we are here to rescue you. Do not be afraid!
DEWDROP Hold still while I shoot off your manacles!
(LEPRECHAUNS scream and jump as DEWDROP fires at their feet. While jumping, their feet come off the elastic loops on the chains.)
SECRETARY Lucky! I didn’t expect to see you. They have wanted posters up all over. How did you get in?
LUCKY Hello Gladys. They all still think I’m 3 feet tall.
SECRETARY Yes, (chuckle), I still think of you that way too.
SECRETARY Oh, I’m sorry, Lucky. Your paycheck is right here in the stack to be shredded, but your fan mail has all been destroyed.
SECRETARY Your Director, Ralph Keester had it all incinerated when he cleaned out that storage room to do your last shoot.
LUCKY No! That was Count Chocula fan mail!
SECRETARY Heavens no! Count Chocula’s fan mail is too valuable. It fills an entire airplane hangar at the old air field and the best is displayed in the General Mills Museum of Art.
ANNOUNCER 1 This is C-Span. Welcome back. I’m not used to these commercial breaks.
ANNOUNCER 2 Well the Iraq-Iran-Israel-Arabia-North Korea War has to be paid for somehow!
ANNOUNCER 1 We are at the Congressional Hearings on animal-human hybrids already in session.
ANNOUNCER 2 The witnesses are testifying in exchange for immunity for their crimes against science labs.
ANNOUNCER 1 Of course, destroying science labs saved the federal government 5 billion dollars in grants.
ANNOUNCER 2 A new witness is testifying...
DEWDROP My name is Dewdrop, and this is Aurora. We are fighters with the Animal Liberation Strike Force.
(reading) Twelve years ago we liberated the animals at a particularly exploitative testing lab. Besides the animals forced to wear make-up, drive Barbie cars and listen to boy bands, (shiver of revulsion) we also found a human–rabbit hybrid embryo discarded in the waste can. The tag explained it was accidentally created when a lab tech sneezed into a vial containing rabbit DNA. We implanted the embryo in my womb and I gave birth to little Rupert 12 years ago. (pats RABBIT on the head)
SENATOR 1 I didn’t realize the Animal Liberation Movement concerned itself with the rights of the unborn.
DEWDROP It was an unborn RABBIT!
SENATOR 2 Until he was arrested for breaking and entering and destruction of property. Sneaking into homes and clobbering bowls of cereal! Terrorizing the city as a “cereal killer”! You call that productive!
AURORA (standing in fury) He has a rabbit’s digestive system but he is addicted to that evil junk food Trix cereal!
DEWDROP We got a tip from one of our members, “Invisible Howard”...
(RABBIT rolls his eyes guiltily)
Who overheard what he recognized was a kidnapping. He recognized the voice of the victim and called out our strike force and we arrived on the scene in time to follow the kidnappers’ vehicle to the site of the Lucky Charms Marshmallow Mine where enslaved leprechauns were being forced to magically turn stones into marshmallows. We liberated them all. It was very disturbing.
AURORA Very disturbing.
SENATOR 1 The conditions of slavery?
AURORA No, that they were leprechauns. Our tipster told us they were intelligent apes. But leprechauns are not animals, they are a meat-eating breed of human (revulsion) and not even mentioned in our mission statement.
SENATOR 2 You did a lot of damage to that facility. Smashed marshmallows all over the carpet. Very expensive steam cleaning was required. Don’t you care?
DEWDROP & AURORA No.
SENATOR 1 I think this is a good time to hear the testimony of the freed leprechauns.
LARRY (angry) The bloody toad lovers dumped us at the Shamrock Dairy!
LUDWIG Said it was our natural habitat!
LEELA I wished them all donkey tails on their butts!
LARRY Cows! Don’t you even care about leprechauns in slavery?
LEELA & LUDWIG Yeah!
DEWDROP Or little Rupert ! Arrested for an eating disorder?
SENATOR 2 Rupert is not human or animal so he has no rights, and Leprechauns are not even real.
(LEELA falls over dead!)
LARRY You killed her! You said you didn’t believe in leprechauns.
LUDWIG (runs to plead to audience) Someone! Please say you believe in leprechauns! (repeat)
HOST Welcome to What’s New and Cool? I’m your host, John Groovy and I have got the newest and coolest news for all you hip kids out there!
Lucky Charms has a new mascot! Here he is and the man who discovered him!
(ENTER KEESTER & LOOPY – formerly Ludwig – dances around.)
HOST Hey, come in! Sit down. Well, the little guy is too excited to sit down. He is so cool!
So, so, what’s your name – I forget. I’m not all here, really...
KEESTER Hello, John. I’ll just introduce myself. I’m Ralph Keester, and I’m a director at General Mills TV Production Studios. And I am proud to introduce our new leprechaun mascot Loopy!
LOOPY They’re magically delicious!
HOST Ha ha he’s cute! Did you catch him?
KEESTER Lucky was his name. Easy to forget. Well, Lucky, outgrew the job and frankly stopped being a good example for the kids. He began endorsing dangerous products for children, consorting with criminals, wheww!
HOST I heard about his parties. Wow, man. He could go through a lot of clover.
KEESTER A lot.
HOST Just what does a leprechaun do with clover?
KEESTER I don’t want to think about it.
HOST Wow, all that clover.....
KEESTER Would you like to talk to Loopy?
KEESTER He’s from Ireland. Came over just for the try-outs.
(LEELA & LARRY ENTER running.)
LARRY 200 years ago he came from Ireland! But yesterday he was with us!
LEELA Trapped in your slave mines! Making marshmallows for beer!
LARRY Then he sold out!
LOOPY Well I’m a star now!
LEELA Traitor (zap zap)
LARRY Muggle Lover! (zap zap)
LOOPY Wanna-bees (zap zap)
(Leprechauns zap at each other – Host and Keester take cover.)
RABBIT (recognition) I know you! You were the director on my first Trix cereal shoot!
KEESTER Yeah, I remember you -- you were a pig. Slobbering milk down your chin. Saying your lines with chewed up food in your mouth.
KEESTER Yeah, after I spiked your Trix yogurt with microbes that react to Red #40, Yellow #6 and Blue #1. That cured you, and the “Silly Rabbit - Trix is for Kids” marketing sensation was born.
RABBIT (attacking him) I’m not a silly rabbit!
GLADYS Sorry I’m late, Lucky. Let me introduce myself! I am Gladys Woods, the Executive Secretary of General Mills. It is well known that I am the most competent person in the corporation. And I know that you, Ralph Keester, have been diverting Lucky’s fan mail from leprechauns and writing them back yourself! Because they were typed – and Lucky can’t type.
LUCKY It’s true! I turn the keys to marshmallows if I tap on them!
DETECTIVE (ENTERING) Writing fake letters, kidnapping leprechauns and working them as slaves. Infecting the Trix Rabbit and slandering Lucky the Leprechaun. You are going away for a long time, Keester.
KEESTER Yeah, it is about time I had a vacation. I should be getting a bonus soon. Maybe Hawaii.
KEESTER No! No! Please! I can cure the Trix Rabbit!
RABBIT Please! Show him mercy!
CREW 1 What a great shoot!
CREW 2 This is the extra credit project we needed to graduate! Hooha!
CREW 3 Plus, I scored some clover from the leprechaun!
ACTRESS You-Tube here we come!
(CURTAIN CLOSES, OPENS, BOWS)
* * *To see a PERUSAL SCRIPT, please contact Jeannette Jaquish
at (260) 484-5946, between 7am and 10pm, Eastern Standard Time, USA,
or at http://www.theaterfunscripts.com/details.html.
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