The Spoiled Baloney Man

(c) 2020 by Jeannette Jaquish

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The Spoiled Baloney Man

a Puppet and Actors Show for 8 actors
by Jeannette Jaquish
(c) Jeannette Jaquish 2000

To perform this script, notify author at www.theaterfunscripts.com, funantics.scripts@yahoo.com, 260 484-5946.

A longer version for 12 actors is available at www.theaterfunscripts.com.

CAST
PUPPETS:

Spoiled Baloney Man, cardboard character on fishing line and pole. The pole operator speaks lines and is seen onstage.
Frog (narrator), puppet or actor - a rough, flirty character, with pub street accent
Dog- puppet or actor
ACTORS:
Little Old Lady
Little Old Man
Girl
Boy
Horse, actor in costume

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
NOTE: More Tech Notes at end of script.

Baloney Man is made of cardboard circles, painted, glued, and with a candy cane and other things attached. This cardboard Baloney Man is attached to a short piec e of fishing line or string, 1 to 3 feet long, which is attached to the tip of a fishing pole.

The Baloney Man should move in big leaps and then bobble in one spot while talking. He should be painted with a face on front and back so when he spins we still see his face, but with open mouth on one side and closed mouth on the other.
The Baloney Man Actor/Operator should move the fishing pole puppet so he keeps the actors onstage even as they are fleeing away from him. This is possible because he can fly over them and within a second be anywhere onstage. As they begin to run away from him, he should leap over them, plopping in front of them, and scaring them back to center stage. It helps to keep them onstage, if all the humans cluster together as they run. Or if they split up and run different directions, that some pause to hide or cower, or trip, or be overcome by nausea or dizziness or confusion, or some excuse for not exiting the stage completely. And if a human does exit, the Baloney Man should also exit to chase them back on. That way the chase looks real. I recommend you make this a warm up game at rehearsal.

[OPEN CURTAIN]
[SET: Home with couch or 3 chairs covered with a blanket or bedspread, a TV remote control, to the side a kitchen area with a table with condiments such as chocolate syrup and a big microwave oven. Spoiled Baloney Man on table connected by fish line to fishing pole and operator out of sight. Outdoor features like trees, also onstage.
See TECH NOTES at end of script.]

FROG: (jumps to his entrance) Kribbit!! Kribbitt!! Hoo-boy! What a morning! But duty calls and here I am to tell you a story. Unless... there are any princesses out there whoíd like to give me a kiss... Come on, baby, I ainít got no warts! (If kissed, he swoons; No kiss, he pouts)
Wow! What a zinger! Iím in love! ( OR ) No kiss?? What if I spit out these flies? Ohhhh...
Kisses are great, but do you know what else I like??
(pause for answers)
Those tiny buzzing tidbits on the wing Ė Flies!
Anyone got any dead flies in their pockets?
Check under your chairs, the windowsill, behind your ears, donít be selfish! Toss Ďem over here! (catch imaginary flies in mouth) Aaaaah! Burp! Delicious!
Well, Iíd better start earning my flies, so here goes:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
It was one of those
(ENTER Little Old Lady, who stands
and Man who slouches in couch
pantomiming remote, tv watching.)

once-upon-a-time times, when the Little Old Lady said to the Little Old Man...

L. O. LADY: Iím lonely.
L. O. MAN: You got me.

L. O. LADY: And bored.
L. O. MAN: These socks could use washing.

L. O. LADY: I miss the children.
L. O. MAN: So fix me a snack.

L. O. LADY: Oh, alright.
(Shuffles across stage to ďkitchenĒ table. BALONEY MAN is concealed under dish towel and wears a mustard colored scrunchie around his neck. A matching scrunchie will be thrown by Dog at end of the play.)

FROG: As the Little Old Lady got out the baloney, mustard and pimentos, she got an idea!

L. O. LADY: Iíll make a little man out of baloney. That will cheer us up!

FROG: She used olives for eyes, a pimento for his smile and mustard to trim his shirt.

L. O. LADY: Now arenít you cute?

FROG: Then she used Chocolate Ex-Lax for a hair flip and Milk of Magnesia for pink cheeks and Bryl Cream for shiny white booties, and ooohhh.. and people get nauseated when I talk about eating flies...

L. O. MAN: (hollering) Hey! Whereís my snack???

FROG: The little baloney manís smile made her happy.

L. O. MAN: Did you DIE in there???

FROG: She wished he could come alive and play around the house.

(OLD LADY looks up to heaven, clasps her hands and wishes.)

L.O. MAN: Hurry up! Matlockís starting!!!

L. O. LADY: Matlock!!! Coming! (sticks Baloney Man into microwave and runs to sit on couch)

FROG: The little old lady put the Little Baloney Man into the microwave..
(LITTLE OLD LADY AND MAN fall asleep, snoring.)
and he was done in no time.

MICROWAVE: Ding!

LITTLE OLD LADY & MAN: Snore!!!!

FROG: Unfortunately, the little old lady and the little old man fell asleep in front of the tv and when they woke up........
(OLD LADY & MAN wake up and shuffle offstage.)
they were rather groggy and had missed their medications so they doubled up the next dose and after sleeping THAT off, they had forgotten all about the little baloney man.
Then for the next three days they ate lime Jello and chicken salad from the deli,
(OLD MAN shuffles in with false teeth in hand.)
so by the time.....

L. O. MAN: Brrrrr! I hate putting cold dentures into my mouth. 30 seconds in the microwave will warm these babies up.
(Opens microwave and is knocked onto his rear by the smell.)
Aaaaack! What is that horrible smell??? Must.... close....door...
(Tries to crawl to microwave but is driven back.)
Aaaaack! Too... horrible... Canít ...... breath..... Honey! Come close the microwave! (Collapses)

(L.O. LADY ENTERS.)
L.O. LADY: Goodness! Do I have to do everything?
(Hit by smell. Stumbles around falling onto knees.)
Bad.... smell....! Aaaaah!

L.O. MAN: Look! Up in the microwave!
L.O. LADY: Itís baloney!
L. O. MAN: Itís spoiled!

SPOILED BALONEY MAN (popping out): Itís the Spoiled Baloney Man!!!

L.O. MAN: Itís alive! (stands shakily)
L. O. LADY: As well as dead! (gets to her knees)

L.O. MAN: Run for your life! (stumbles, dizzy) Give me a push dear!

L. O. LADY: Youíre not leaving me behind you big coward! (OLD LADY grabs his ankle so he pulls her along as he walks.)

(The Baloney Man always jumps in front of people scaring them the opposite way, then jumps in front of them again, scaring them another way.
Even though he is saying ďYou canít catch me...Ē actually, he is chasing them.
He must keep herding them back to centerstage.)


BALONEY MAN: Run, run as fast as you can! You canít catch me, Iím the Spoiled Baloney Man!
Catch me! Catch me! Oooops! Slipped out of your fingers! (Continue chase as FROG speaks.)

FROG: Not a pretty picture, or smell, when BALONEY GOES BAD! What drives baloney to senseless acts of terror? Itís the old nature vs. nurture question.
(L.O. LADY & MAN collapse in a faint
and BALONEY MAN dances on their bodies.)

Raised by bacteria in a cold, dark microwave oven Ė would love, color and stimulation in its childhood have made a difference?
(Baloney Man sneaks up behind FROG)
Or is it the nature of a substance composed of gristle and organs, various linings and fluids, swept up from the floor and run through a grinder... Wheww! Thatís a baaad smell!

(Baloney Man pounces on FROG.)
BALONEY MAN: Canít catch me! Canít catch me!

FROG: Aaaack! It stinks! It stinks! (Faints.)

BALONEY MAN: Ohhhh.... No one to chase me.

(GIRL & BOY ENTER tossing ball back and forth.)

GIRL: (running across stage) Throw it to me!

BALONEY MAN: Oh, boy! Theyíre going to chase me!

BOY: (running close to BALONEY MAN.) Iím open! Pass it! (sniff) Whoooeee! Whatís that bad smell?!

GIRL: Ewww, yuck! It smells like something died and came to life and died again!

(BALONEY MAN will repeatedly leap in front of kids,
chasing them back and forth.)


BALONEY MAN (popping out): Bingo!!
Iíve run away from a little old lady
(L.O. LADY convulses, gags)
and Iíve run away from a little old man
(L.O. MAN convulses, gags)
and I can run away from you, I can I can! Run Run Run as fast as you can! You canít catch me, Iím the Spoiled Baloney Man!

BOY: Canít breathe! Air ... is ... thick... with stinky stink.....

GIRL: Swallowed in stink.... Dizzy....Spinning....

(GIRL & BOY collapse near O.L. LADY & MAN.)

BALONEY MAN: Oh! Chasing me wore them out. They sure wanted to catch me, but I was too fast! But now I have no one to play with.
(Starts bouncing around audience)
Do you want to chase me? Catch me and you can eat me! Iím real slippery! Try and grab me Ė Iím too quick! Nyaah! Nyaah, etc.

(FROG revives.)
FROG: What happened? Where am I? What is that bad smell????!
(BALONEY MAN rushes to FROG.)
BALONEY MAN: Froggy wants to play! (pounces on Frog)

FROG: Aaaack! (faints)

BALONEY MAN: Oh! Pooie! No one will chase me. Iíll have to go find playmates somewhere else. Yoo-hoo! Who wants to play?????
(BALONEY MAN EXITS, goes back stage and will reappear coming from rear of audience.)

(FROG & PEOPLE revive, confused.)
L.O. LADY: Land oí Goshen! How long have I been lying on the ground? And whatís that horrible smell?

L.O. MAN: Ooooh, my head. How can I have a hangover from prune juice? Phewww! Is there a mountain of dirty socks nearby?

FROG: Ay Caramba! I saw my life flash before my eyes Ė my first legs, my first fly. The first princess to drop kick me.....
(Terror!) Great Salamander! Where is that repulsive Spoiled Baloney Man???

HUMANS: (frantically looking around): Spoiled Baloney Man! Where!!!

GIRL (hysterical): He was awful! He kept bouncing and bouncing and stinking and stinking!

BOY (drops to knees, clutches head looking up): The horror! The horror! The horror!

(BOY & GIRL hold posed gestures of dramatic misery.)

L.O. LADY: (patting them) There, there, children. Iím sure the Red Cross will be here soon.

L.O. MAN: Weíll need more than Ace bandages and Nutter Butter cookies to fight this.... this... Perversion of everything that ainít natural. Weíll need a moat! A moat filled with bleach! And grenades. To blow him into bits!!!

GIRL: But what if each bit grows into another Spoiled Baloney Man, like in the Sorcererís Apprentice???

BOY: There will be billions of them spreading stink across the world!!!

FROG: Chill out, people! The putrid dude is gone!

GIRL, BOY, L.O. MAN & LADY: Gone???? Gone!!!!

GIRL: But where?

L.O. MAN : Who cares? The government can deal with him now. What do you think we pay taxes for?

L.O. LADY: Oh, but, darling our house still reeks. We canít live in this stink!

L.O. MAN: Better burn it.

L.O. LADY (turns to leave): Iíll get the car out of the garage. I hope the windows were rolled up.

BOY: I hope my family will move to another state. They just HAVE to!

(HORSE (and any extra animals) run in from audience rear, chased by BALONEY MAN.
People scatter to back and side of stage, watching in horror.)


BALONEY MAN: Iíve run away from a Little Old Lady and a Little Old Man and a girl and a boy and I can run away from you, too, I can I can!

HORSE: (gasping) Canít run.... canít breathe.... Iím cominí home, Nelly! (Drops dead with feet in air.)

BALONEY MAN: (dancing on horse) Run run run as fast as you can! Oh, darn! Heís not playing anymore. Wake up! Giddy-up, pony! Pooie! Who will chase me now? (sees people) Well, hello!

L.O. MAN: Play dead!

(PEOPLE play dead with legs in the air like the Horse.)

BALONEY MAN: Oh! Poopadoople!
(bouncing on each person; they gag as he lands on them)
Everybody is too tired. Hmmmm.... well, Iíll just take a nap over there in the warm sun and work on my taint.
(EXITS singing) Iím too sexy for my bread, too sexy for my bread, my bread is deadÖ.

(FROG & PEOPLE get up, approach dead HORSE)

GIRL: Poor sweet horsey.

(PEOPLE drag HORSE offstage while saying lines, then return.)

L.O.MAN: At least he canít smell anymore. The whole neighborhood stinks. Needs a Super Fund Toxic Cleanup.

BOY: Or three feet of cement.

L.O. LADY: Donít they make horses into baloney?

GIRL, BOY, L.O. MAN & LADY: Aaaack!

L.O. MAN: Dang it! Another vicious stinkiní circle of life domino effect!

GIRL: Will it never end???

BOY: Someone has to stop the Spoiled Baloney Man!

L.O. MAN: You volunteering, big guy?

(BOY & GIRL come at OLD MAN accusingly)
BOY: You walked to school in a blizzard!

GIRL: You fought in World War 1 and 2 and Korea!

BOY & GIRL: You stop him!

L.O. MAN: Oh! Sure! You knocked the knees out of my blast him to bits idea before, but nobody has the guts to take charge themself!

L.O. LADY: Oh, Amos! Donít be such a grouch!

BOY: Whereíd this Baloney Guy come from anyway?? Someone made him!

GIRL: And someone let him rot!

L.O. LADY: (nervous that the kids will discover she made him)
Whatís done is done! We have to work together. So shut up!
(She tries to hustle OLD MAN offstage.)

L.O. MAN: Hey! I was watching Matlock. And I never even got my snack!

GIRL: You never got your snack! YOU NEVER GOT YOUR SNACK! (to BOY) Do you know what that means.

BOY: Itís time for snack?

GIRL: No Stupid! THEY created him!
(to OLD FOLKS) Didnít you?

BOY: Grown-ups mess up everything!!

FROG: Humans! Humans! Arguing doesnít solve anything!
(People turn to look at FROG.)

GIRL, BOY, L.O. MAN & LADY: That Frog!!!
(PEOPLE run to stand on either side of frog accusing.)

L.O. LADY: Why donít you stop this Baloney Monster??

L.O. MAN: Yeah! Push him in the pond and bury him in the mud!

GIRL: Hello????? Water pollution!

(DOG ENTERS rising behind rock next to pond, sniffing.)

BOY: Put the Spoiled Baloney Man into a box and mail him somewhere!

L.O. MAN: Like Washington, DC!

L.O. LADY: Or the I.R.S! hee-hee-hee-hee!

FROG: People! People! I think we have a solution!

(All turn to look at DOG.)

DOG: (sniffing) Rowrrr! Where is it! Where is that heavenly smell coming from? Such delicious decay! Such sweet stench! I want to roll in its luxurious stickiness. I want to give it great slobber licks until it is shiny and drippy. I want to gnaw it, and nibble it, and wolf it down, and then urp it back up, and gobble it down again and / (interrupted)

L.O. LADY: (interrupting him) Enough! Iíve heard enough!

BOY: Gaaack! (BOY drops to knees gagging.)

GIRL: (plugging ears) Too much information!!

OLD MAN: Are you out of your mind??? You want to EAT that Spoiled Baloney Man??

DOG : Oh, no no no! ďEatĒ is too coarse a word. I want to savor him, wallow in him, nuzzle him with my muzzle all warm and fuzzley...

(OLD LADY, MAN AND GIRL drop to knees gagging next to BOY.)

DOG: I salivate my desire in long slobbery strings! I piddle the gravel in eager anticipation! I yearn for this perfectly Spoiled Baloney Man! Where is he? Oh, where can he be??? Oh, where can he beeeeee??????

GIRL: Oh no! Here it comes! Eeeeek!

(PEOPLE scatter to back and sides of stage as BALONEY MAN ENTERS.)

BALONEY MAN: Run run as fast as you can. You canít catch me, Iím --- Oh! A Dog!!! Yoo-hoo!! You canít catch me, Iím the Spoiled Baloney Man!

DOG: Rowrr! (Leaps for Baloney Man but misses.)

BALONEY MAN: Canít catch me! (on and on)

(DOG leaps for BALONEY MAN repeatedly, but cannot catch him.)

GIRL: Oh dear! The little dog canít catch him. (to BOY) Can you hold him down?

BOY: I ainít grabbing that slimy thing!

OLD MAN: Little coward. Deserting your country. Maybe it smells better in Canada.

OLD LADY: Oh! I know what to do! Everyone! Wade across the stream!

(PEOPLE cross which is a blue cloth stretched across floor.)

BOY: OK. We crossed the stream. Now what?

OLD LADY: (loudly) Oh, I do miss chasing that cute little Baloney Man!

BOY: What??? OH! I get it! Yeah! (loudly) Iíd love to get my hands on him!

OLD MAN: Feeling safer over here, huh, little dodger? Maybe you should run for president, sonny.

GIRL: (singing) Oh where, oh where did my little baloney man go? Oh, where, oh where can he be?

PEOPLE (singing): With his head sliced thin and his body all spoiled, Oh, where, oh where can he be?

BALONEY MAN: The people want to chase me! Oh, Dog! Please give me a ride across the stream? Water makes my mustard smear.

DOG: Sure, Baloney Boy!

BALONEY MAN: Promise not to eat me?
DOG: Dogís Honor!

BALONEY MAN: OK! Catch me!
(BALONEY MAN jumps towards DOG. DOG grabs him in his teeth and pulls him behind rock/beach.)

MUSIC : WEDDING MARCH
PEOPLE making joyous wedding faces
as sounds of DOG gobbling
and BALONEY MAN squawking.
Squawking stops.
BALONEY MANíS neck scrunchie comes flying out and one of the people catch it.)

DOG: BURP! (pops up) Darn! Forgot to taste my food again. Iíve got to learn to eat slower.

(PEOPLE run to behind and beside DOG and pet him.)

PEOPLE: Good dog, etc.

GIRL: Didnít you say, ďDogís honor?Ē
DOG: Do I look like Lassie? Come on! Give me a break!

BOY: Youíre a hero, Dog! (hugs him)
DOG: Burp!

PEOPLE: Ughhh! Dog breath!! (PEOPLE EXIT.)

DOG: Mmmmmm. Burps are like dessert. (EXIT)

FROG: Ahhh. The Spoiled Baloney Man was gone, the environment sort of recovered, and all lived happily after until...

OLD LADY (ENTERING): Iím lonely. I think Iíll make a casserole girl.
(BLACKOUT or CURTAIN!)
The Spoiled Baloney Man
a Puppet and Actors Show
by Jeannette Jaquish
(c) Jeannette Jaquish 2000

To perform this script, notify author at www.theaterfunscripts.com .
A version for 8 actors is available.

Offered for royalty free performances, and reprinting for actorsí scripts (but never for resale), if and only if Jeannette Jaquish is listed as author and her website address www.theaterfunscripts.com is included in reprints, posters and programs or announced, and if J Jaquish is notified:
funantics.scripts@yahoo.com
(260) 484-5946 or (260) 750-9013,
1423 Louisedale, Ft. Wayne, IN 46808.

You may charge admission. Please see the web site for more play scripts or contact for production advice.

.

TECH DETAILS:
Narrator Frog on one side of stage, with puppeteer concealed.
Baloney Man pole operator will have to wander around set to get Baloney Man where he needs to go. Operator should not try to conceal himself or it will be distracting, but the operator should wear black and not draw attention to himself. Pole operator or someone offstage says Baloney Manís lines -- if offstage, the lines could be spoken into a microphone connected to a speaker concealed center stage. You could get fancy with stereo left and right speakers and an audio board with an operator watching the puppet and panning the sound left or right to follow him.
Make Baloney Man from cardboard circles and glued on stuff. Stink him up with perfume and soy sauce, etc.

Make the old manís dentures by drawing and cutting out a strip of teeth and gums on cardboard then curving it and using Scotch tape from end to end to hold the curve.

SET
(You decide if Sides A and B are left or right. Side B is designed to be the main entrance/exit.)
SCENE: Kitchen/living room of couch, table with mustard & ingredients and a microwave oven,
with outdoor features of a river: perhaps a blue long cloth or blue paint across the floor, and any outdoor features you want: street signs, trees, bushes, scenery of outside of houses, mailbox, etc. You can leave all on stage or manipulate the home furnishings offstage or behind outdoor scenery after the Old Lady & Man leave the house.
The Spoiled Baloney Man is already inside the microwave or is flat on the table covered with a dish towel. A string or fishing line connects his head and the tip of a fishing pole held by the operator who stands just offstage. The Old Lady pretends to squirt on his features then opens the microwave and either puts him in or pretends to put him in because he is already in there. She does not click the microwave door shut so when the Spoiled Baloney fishing pole operate tugs him out the door swings open.

Shabby couch ( or chairs with blanket over them) facing audience, placed at rear of stage side A.

Table with microwave (or box with flap which opens for door), mustard bottle, condiment jars, etc. on B side of rear stage. Centerish if you have room so the High Beach doesnít block it.

High beach (brown blanket thrown over chairs facing audience) downstage on B side, will conceal Dog puppeteer.

Pond (cardboard box opened and cut into waves, paint blue, use folds to make it stand up) OR (blue cloth in pond shape on floor) downstage of and touching High Beach, therefore, also on B side.

Whatever conceals Frog puppeteer (chairs with blanket over them, artificial bushes, etc. ) downstage A side.

Note: Donkey and chasing Baloney Man should come up through the audience or at least come in a different entrance from the Baloney Manís exit right before it.


Email: funantics.scripts@yahoo.com