Don’t know how to respond to
rude and stupid people? Then try new Mrs.
Shrapnels’ Amazing! Liquid Sarcasm (now available in a
shatterproof bottle)! Warning: Do not be fooled by
imitators! This ain't your cheepie, generic,
store-brand liquid sarcasm that you can pick up at CVS,
no sireebob! This is the gen-u-ine article, here, folks - tested by real
outlaw right-wing militias right here in the good
ol’ U.S. of A. under actual battlefield
conditions! Demand Mrs. Shrapnels’ Amazing! Liquid
Sarcasm - accept no substitutes!
Why worry about slowly losing your
mind when you can get rid of that pesky thing
altogether? Yes, it’s Dr.
Fondue’s Home Lobotomy Kit! Now you can splatter your brains in the privacy
of your own home! The Kit includes a sledgehammer, four
iron spikes, and a roll of toilet paper. Anesthesia
sold separately. Oh, did we forget to mention that? Oh,
dear, oh, dear. And don’t forget, Dr. Fondue’s Home Lobotomy
is great fun for the entire family!
Remember, “If it’s your brain, make it
Fondue!” Get “Yours” today!
You’ve just eaten a big meal.
You’ve eaten yourself sick. You've just done your
“Duty”, but there isn’t a bidet in
sight, and that toilet paper just isn’t strong
enough. It’s Doctor
Earwaxe’s Bathroom Sandpaper to the rescue! It gets into those nooks
and crannies and lets the whole world see those cheeks
bright and shiny - if a bit bloody. Available in
Regular, Super and Industrial Strength.
Don’t throw away those used
condoms! With Mrs.
Phlegm’s Used Condom Sculpture Kit, you can turn those lengths of latex
into wonderful conversation pieces! Amaze your family
and friends! Make unique gifts for birthdays and
Mrs. Phlegm’s Used Condom
Sculpture Kit is
manufactured with loving care in the USA by
Bubba’s House of Artsy Craftsy Stuff, located
one-half mile downwind of the city dump. Be sure to ask
Bubba to show you his unique collection of homemade
Hey, Kids! Wanna play REAL Cowboys
and Indians? Well, what playtime would be complete
Fun-O-Rama’s Authentic Scalping Kit? Handed down from the French to the
Indians to You! Scalp your dog! Scalp your cat!
Scalp your goldfish! Scalp your parents in their sleep!
Loads and loads of fun!
Sure, ant farms are lots of fun.
But you’re sure to attract attention with Cockroach Farm! You won’t have to squint or dig out
the magnifying glass to watch these suckers scurry
through the dirt!
Imported all the way from Germany,
these lovely little scavengers will eat just about
anything, so they’re easy to care for. These
pesticide-resistant critters will multiply quickly
(about 30 a month!), so you can share them with all
your friends! And who says you have to keep them in
their case all day? Cockroaches just love the outdoors!
(They’re especially fun at night, when
they’re most active!) Cockroach
Farm! - fun for everyone!
Can’t get up in the morning?
Alarm clocks not loud enough? Then maybe what you need
is the new Bedroom Crane! When the timer goes off, the
Crane will grab you by the ear, hair, collar or a dozen
other programmable places and put you on the floor,
making sure you wake up! So remember: when you
can’t haul your ass out of bed... Bedroom Crane can!
It’s that age old question:
“Who cut the cheese, man?” Well, wonder no
longer! With Frau
Footwinkle’s Fabulous Fart Finder from Fredco, you can ferret out the
offensive fumigator! When the blast wave hits, simply
fire up your Frau
Footwinkle’s Fabulous Fart Finder from Fredco, and flush out that
flatulent fiend! Force him to face the full fury of
friends and family for flooding the foyer full of foul
fragrance! Get your Frau
Footwinkle’s Fabulous Fart Finder from Fredco today - before somebody
Jesus Christ on a bike! Yes, it’s true! Imported all the
way from Dead Moose, Manitoba, it’s Jesus Christ on a bike! and Jesus Christ on
a pogo stick! lovingly
handcrafted by our very own Pauline Dimtwiddle (when
she’s allowed out of her restraints). Each
sculpture stands a full 6’ high when properly
inflated, and is sure to be the talk of the town.
Display it on your roof! Display it on your front lawn!
Note: Pauline is currently working
on her next project (what else?): Jesus Christ on a Zamboni! hoping to complete it before her
medication kicks in.
RARE TROPICAL DISEASES!! Yes, you heard right, ladies and
gentlepersons - RARE
TROPICAL DISEASES delivered
right to your doorstep! Get rid of unwanted pests! Save
a bundle on divorce expenses! Eliminate waste in
(Backhoe sold separately.)
Men! Ashamed of your smooth chest?
Are women actually repulsed by your lack of body hair? Then maybe
what you need is the new Chest
Hair Toupee! That’s
right, with the easy-to-use applicator, the Chest Hair Toupee! simply snaps into place, and you’re
ready to go! Look like a REAL Man! (Note: some grey
hairs may be present.)
Feel a sneeze coming on, but
can’t grab a hanky fast enough? Well, instead of
getting it all over your hands and clothes, what you
need is the new Snot Catcher! Simply wrap the Snot Catcher around
your face, and you’re ready for the next Wet
Blast! Use the Snot Catcher over and over again - when full, simply
wring out and it’s ready for action! Don’t
make a mess of yourself - get a Snot Catcher!
(Breathing apparatus sold separately.)
Don’t pick your nose! Let the
new NoseVac do the dirty work! In just minutes,
all that gunk and goo will be completely siphoned out
so you can smell again!
Listen to these testimonials!
“Thanks, NoseVac! Now,
I can really smell the air pollution!”
“I never knew I had hay fever
before the NoseVac!”
“Thanks to NoseVac, I
finally found my husband - and that no-good tramp!”
“It’s true! With
NoseVac, you really can
suck your brains out your
These are just some of the hundreds
of satisfied NoseVac customers! You can be one,
too! The NoseVac - it really sucks!
And try the new ButtVac - you
can really feel it working!
The next time your husband says,
“I want chicken, dammit!” you can truly
satisfy him! Accursed Cuisine proudly presents new Chicken Dammit!, prepared by some of the finest Haitian voodoo
chefs, then professionally smuggled into your home!
Also try new Turkey Dammit!, Beef Dammit!, and even Veggie
And for dessert, there's our
Dammit! Why not try
Is there a corpse in your house? Is
the rot ruining your rugs? Then maybe what you need is Dr. Blob’s Resurrection Solution! Guaranteed to raise all but the
most decripit of remains! Great fun at parties! Save
money on contested wills!
(Caution: Not all the dead may want to
return! If not, you could wind up with one very pissed-off
Dr. Blob’s: “It’s better than
After a long, hard day of
cow-tipping, young boys like to relax with a handful of
Fecachew! - the all-natural snack! Made from the
freshest ingredients you can find! Fecachew! is the new
taste-sensation - unlike anything you’ve ever
tried before! So, the next time you feel like doing
something stupid, why not enjoy Fecachew! to mark
the occasion? Fecachew! is available at finer head shops.
You want CHEAP?? Then come on down to Crazy Cal’s Used Cadaver Emporium! Oh, sure, there might be a few parts
missing here and there, but there are still enough
goodies for whatever you have in mind - No Questions Asked!!
So, if you’re a budding
Victor Frankenstein, or a full-blown necrophiliac - or
even just looking for a quick snack, Crazy Cal’s
got your stiff! But come in now, because they’re
going fast (especially since the freezer broke down)!
Holy Crap!! That’s right - for the first time in 7
years, Our Lady of Questionable Taste is proud to bring
back Holy Crap!! Blessed, plastic-sealed, and ready
for delivery! Order all you like - there’s plenty
more where that came from!
Constipated? Pills and liquids
don’t work? Then try new Dr. Watusi’s Rectal Dynamite! Guaranteed to blow the
THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO
APOLOGIZE FOR THE ABOVE ENTRY AND PROMISE TO NEVER,
EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER DO IT AGAIN. HONESTLY!
Ladies! Feel a “Blonde
Moment” coming on? Then what you need is a Brain Zapper!
Installs in minutes! Whenever you feel your mental
processes shutting down, simply flick the switch, and
your grey matter will be flooded with 4,000 watts of
power - enough to bring you back to normal! Be the envy
of all your friends - with the Brain Zapper!
Are you a toilet-spotter? Do you
enjoy the sight and sound (and smell!) of well-rinsed
porcelain? Then Great
Toilets of the World is for
you! Available for the first time on DVD, Great Toilets of the World will take you on a journey of some of the
world’s finest basins, where you can watch them
And, if you order now, you’ll
also get the companion book, The Toilet-Spotters Guide to Toilets Worldwide, invaluable in your search for the
best seats in the house! Never take a toilet for
Ordinary flatulence sounds, well,
disgusting. But what if you could make it musical?
Introducing the Butt Flute! Installs in seconds! Plays over 20
Theme From “Close Encounters
of the Third Kind”
Theme From “The
Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony
And everybody’s favorite:
Flute is guaranteed to make
you the life of the party! So, the next time you feel
the need to toot, make sure it’s with a Butt Flute!
Note: the Butt Flute will
not eliminate the odor.
Crave your privacy? Then maybe what
you need is Piss Off! - the world’s first
anti-personnel deodorant! Field tested in crowded
theatres everywhere! So, blow ’em off -
literally! (Not responsible for property damage.)
Sick of guests who won’t
leave? Subtle (or even overt) hints don’t work?
Then what you need is the new Catapult Chair!
Simply invite them to sit in this deceptively comfy
chair, press the remote control, and launch them into
orbit! (We recommend that you open a window, first.)
For larger groups, there’s also the Catapult Couch! (Also good for trash disposal.)
Do you have a Unibutt? Are your
buns so close together, they seem to form a single
entity? Then try the all-new Butt Bra - it
actually lifts and separates those sweet cheeks of
yours, making you really stand out in a crowd! Fill out
your jeans again - with the Butt
Life on the ranch got you down? Is
cattle punching just oh so... dull? Then what you
need is the new iProd! Bring fun back into ranching! Make your cattle sing (and
dance)! High voltage has never been so exciting!
Homeowners! Do you have a
pest control problem? Well, why fool with messy
chemicals or stinky fumigation when the HomeSWAT Team is
Once you've safely stored your
fragile valuables, let the HomeSWAT
Team, armed only with
ecologically-sound plastic flyswatters, straighten out
your insect problem! Our carefully-trained
professionals are neat, courteous, and surprisingly
fast! We'll be in and out in no time flat!
"Grown men with flyswatters -
that's us! The HomeSWAT