Don’t know how to respond to rude and stupid people? Then try new Mrs. Shrapnels’ Amazing! Liquid Sarcasm (now available in a shatterproof bottle)! Warning: Do not be fooled by imitators! This ain't your cheepie, generic, store-brand liquid sarcasm that you can pick up at CVS, no sireebob! This is the gen-u-ine article, here, folks - tested by real outlaw right-wing militias right here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. under actual battlefield conditions! Demand Mrs. Shrapnels’ Amazing! Liquid Sarcasm - accept no substitutes! Why worry about slowly losing your mind when you can get rid of that pesky thing altogether? Yes, it’s Dr. Fondue’s Home Lobotomy Kit! Now you can splatter your brains in the privacy of your own home! The Kit includes a sledgehammer, four iron spikes, and a roll of toilet paper. Anesthesia sold separately. Oh, did we forget to mention that? Oh, dear, oh, dear. And don’t forget,  Dr. Fondue’s Home Lobotomy Kit! is great fun for the entire family! Remember, “If it’s your brain, make it Fondue!” Get “Yours” today! You’ve just eaten a big meal. You’ve eaten yourself sick. You've just done your “Duty”, but there isn’t a bidet in sight, and that toilet paper just isn’t strong enough. It’s Doctor Earwaxe’s Bathroom Sandpaper to the rescue! It gets into those nooks and crannies and lets the whole world see those cheeks bright and shiny - if a bit bloody. Available in Regular, Super and Industrial Strength. Don’t throw away those used condoms! With Mrs. Phlegm’s Used Condom Sculpture Kit, you can turn those lengths of latex into wonderful conversation pieces! Amaze your family and friends! Make unique gifts for birthdays and holidays! Mrs. Phlegm’s Used Condom Sculpture Kit is manufactured with loving care in the USA by Bubba’s House of Artsy Craftsy Stuff, located one-half mile downwind of the city dump. Be sure to ask Bubba to show you his unique collection of homemade windchimes! Hey, Kids! Wanna play REAL Cowboys and Indians? Well, what playtime would be complete without Mr. Fun-O-Rama’s Authentic Scalping Kit? Handed down from the French to the Indians to You! Scalp your dog! Scalp your cat! Scalp your goldfish! Scalp your parents in their sleep! Loads and loads of fun! Sure, ant farms are lots of fun. But you’re sure to attract attention with Cockroach Farm! You won’t have to squint or dig out the magnifying glass to watch these suckers scurry through the dirt! Imported all the way from Germany, these lovely little scavengers will eat just about anything, so they’re easy to care for. These pesticide-resistant critters will multiply quickly (about 30 a month!), so you can share them with all your friends! And who says you have to keep them in their case all day? Cockroaches just love the outdoors! (They’re especially fun at night, when they’re most active!) Cockroach Farm! - fun for everyone! Can’t get up in the morning? Alarm clocks not loud enough? Then maybe what you need is the new Bedroom Crane! When the timer goes off, the Crane will grab you by the ear, hair, collar or a dozen other programmable places and put you on the floor, making sure you wake up! So remember: when you can’t haul your ass out of bed... Bedroom Crane can!   It’s that age old question: “Who cut the cheese, man?” Well, wonder no longer! With Frau Footwinkle’s Fabulous Fart Finder from Fredco, you can ferret out the offensive fumigator! When the blast wave hits, simply fire up your Frau Footwinkle’s Fabulous Fart Finder from Fredco, and flush out that flatulent fiend! Force him to face the full fury of friends and family for flooding the foyer full of foul fragrance! Get your Frau Footwinkle’s Fabulous Fart Finder from Fredco today - before somebody else does! Jesus Christ on a bike! Yes, it’s true! Imported all the way from Dead Moose, Manitoba, it’s Jesus Christ on a bike! and Jesus Christ on a pogo stick! lovingly handcrafted by our very own Pauline Dimtwiddle (when she’s allowed out of her restraints). Each sculpture stands a full 6’ high when properly inflated, and is sure to be the talk of the town. Display it on your roof! Display it on your front lawn!

Note: Pauline is currently working on her next project (what else?): Jesus Christ on a Zamboni! hoping to complete it before her medication kicks in. RARE TROPICAL DISEASES!! Yes, you heard right, ladies and gentlepersons - RARE TROPICAL DISEASES delivered right to your doorstep! Get rid of unwanted pests! Save a bundle on divorce expenses! Eliminate waste in government! (Backhoe sold separately.) Men! Ashamed of your smooth chest? Are women actually repulsed by your lack of body hair? Then maybe what you need is the new Chest Hair Toupee! That’s right, with the easy-to-use applicator, the Chest Hair Toupee! simply snaps into place, and you’re ready to go! Look like a REAL Man! (Note: some grey hairs may be present.) Feel a sneeze coming on, but can’t grab a hanky fast enough? Well, instead of getting it all over your hands and clothes, what you need is the new Snot Catcher! Simply wrap the Snot Catcher around your face, and you’re ready for the next Wet Blast! Use the Snot Catcher over and over again - when full, simply wring out and it’s ready for action! Don’t make a mess of yourself - get a Snot Catcher! (Breathing apparatus sold separately.) Don’t pick your nose! Let the new NoseVac™ do the dirty work! In just minutes, all that gunk and goo will be completely siphoned out so you can smell again! Listen to these testimonials! “Thanks, NoseVac™! Now, I can really smell the air pollution!” “I never knew I had hay fever before the NoseVac™!” “Thanks to NoseVac™, I finally found my husband - and that no-good tramp!” “It’s true! With NoseVac™, you really can suck your brains out your nose!” These are just some of the hundreds of satisfied NoseVac™ customers! You can be one, too! The NoseVac™ - it really sucks! And try the new ButtVac™ - you can really feel it working! The next time your husband says, “I want chicken, dammit!” you can truly satisfy him! Accursed Cuisine proudly presents new Chicken Dammit!, prepared by some of the finest Haitian voodoo chefs, then professionally smuggled into your home! Also try new Turkey Dammit!, Beef Dammit!, and even Veggie Dammit! And for dessert, there's our speciality: Chocolate Dammit! Why not try some tonight? Is there a corpse in your house? Is the rot ruining your rugs? Then maybe what you need is Dr. Blob’s Resurrection Solution! Guaranteed to raise all but the most decripit of remains! Great fun at parties! Save money on contested wills! (Caution: Not all the dead may want to return! If not, you could wind up with one very pissed-off returnee!) Dr. Blob’s: “It’s better than coffee!” After a long, hard day of cow-tipping, young boys like to relax with a handful of Fecachew! - the all-natural snack! Made from the freshest ingredients you can find! Fecachew! is the new taste-sensation - unlike anything you’ve ever tried before! So, the next time you feel like doing something stupid, why not enjoy Fecachew! to mark the occasion? Fecachew! is available at finer head shops.   CHEAP? You want CHEAP?? Then come on down to Crazy Cal’s Used Cadaver Emporium! Oh, sure, there might be a few parts missing here and there, but there are still enough goodies for whatever you have in mind - No Questions Asked!! So, if you’re a budding Victor Frankenstein, or a full-blown necrophiliac - or even just looking for a quick snack, Crazy Cal’s got your stiff! But come in now, because they’re going fast (especially since the freezer broke down)! Holy Crap!! That’s right - for the first time in 7 years, Our Lady of Questionable Taste is proud to bring back Holy Crap!! Blessed, plastic-sealed, and ready for delivery! Order all you like - there’s plenty more where that came from!

Constipated? Pills and liquids don’t work? Then try new Dr. Watusi’s Rectal Dynamite!  Guaranteed to blow the THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE ABOVE ENTRY AND PROMISE TO NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER DO IT AGAIN. HONESTLY! Ladies! Feel a “Blonde Moment” coming on? Then what you need is a Brain Zapper! Installs in minutes! Whenever you feel your mental processes shutting down, simply flick the switch, and your grey matter will be flooded with 4,000 watts of power - enough to bring you back to normal! Be the envy of all your friends - with the Brain Zapper!  Are you a toilet-spotter? Do you enjoy the sight and sound (and smell!) of well-rinsed porcelain? Then Great Toilets of the World is for you! Available for the first time on DVD, Great Toilets of the World will take you on a journey of some of the world’s finest basins, where you can watch them in action! And, if you order now, you’ll also get the companion book, The Toilet-Spotters Guide to Toilets Worldwide, invaluable in your search for the best seats in the house! Never take a toilet for granted again! Ordinary flatulence sounds, well, disgusting. But what if you could make it musical? Introducing the Butt Flute! Installs in seconds! Plays over 20 tunes, including: Charge! Theme From “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” Theme From “The X-Files” Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony And everybody’s favorite: Ta-da!  The Butt Flute is guaranteed to make you the life of the party! So, the next time you feel the need to toot, make sure it’s with a Butt Flute! Note: the Butt Flute will not eliminate the odor. Crave your privacy? Then maybe what you need is Piss Off!™ - the world’s first anti-personnel deodorant! Field tested in crowded theatres everywhere! So, blow ’em off - literally! (Not responsible for property damage.) Sick of guests who won’t leave? Subtle (or even overt) hints don’t work? Then what you need is the new Catapult Chair! Simply invite them to sit in this deceptively comfy chair, press the remote control, and launch them into orbit! (We recommend that you open a window, first.)  For larger groups, there’s also the Catapult Couch! (Also good for trash disposal.) Do you have a Unibutt? Are your buns so close together, they seem to form a single entity? Then try the all-new Butt Bra - it actually lifts and separates those sweet cheeks of yours, making you really stand out in a crowd! Fill out your jeans again - with the Butt Bra! Life on the ranch got you down? Is cattle punching just oh so... dull? Then what you need is the new iProd! Bring fun back into ranching! Make your cattle sing (and dance)! High voltage has never been so exciting! Homeowners!  Do you have a pest control problem?  Well, why fool with messy chemicals or stinky fumigation when the HomeSWAT Team is here? Once you've safely stored your fragile valuables, let the HomeSWAT Team, armed only with ecologically-sound plastic flyswatters, straighten out your insect problem!  Our carefully-trained professionals are neat, courteous, and surprisingly fast!  We'll be in and out in no time flat! "Grown men with flyswatters - that's us! The HomeSWAT Team!"