Leonard Maltin hates the Police Academy movies. In the review of Police Academy 3, all he says in his book is how much he hates the sequel, nothing about the plot - "An improvement over #2, but that's not saying much: just another collection of pea-brained gags and amateurish performances." And he likes Laserblast!. Fortunately, your old friend Joe Bob Briggs is a little more open minded, so here are his reviews of the others:
Police Academy 2: The First Assignment (1985)
Steve Guttenberg returns from the original fruitcake comedy,
arresting elementary school students and trying to find the evil gang
painting the town brown and stealing all the paint they need to do it. Bobcat
Goldthwait, the lead bad guy, says "Don't make me flare my nostrils!"
Four breasts. Tear-gas attack. Pooting. Gratuitous Buffy from "Family Affair."
Three motor vehicle chases, with beach buggy. Emergency tracheotomy.
Exploding car. Kung Fu. Graffiti Fu. With Howard Hesseman of tv's WKRP as the
scum-hating captain, Peter Van Norden as the chubster recruit who consumes
a side of beef on-camera, Colleen Camp (disguising her chest as a
Buckminster Fuller science project), and Bubba Smith, the ex-pro football
player, who goes into a gay leather bar and makes a little fruit salad.
Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol
They've hacked this concept down to where every single
character, INCLUDING Bubba Smith, gets about 30 seconds of screen time,
except for Bobcat Goldthwait, who get a about a half hour of mumblin and
eye-scrunchin and screamin. The cops don't have enough manpower so they
scrounge up the scum-of-the-earth citizens that don't have jobs and bring
em over to the academy and teach little old ladies to fire .44 Magnums and
make killer skateboarder hoodlums learn water safety by sticking a wet
T-shirt contest winner in the pool and having her say "Okay, who's gonna
save me?" G.W. Bailey's back as Captain Harris, showing off that great
Lubbock Theater Center classical training.
Two breasts. Four onces blood.
Two car crashes. One cycle crash. Two motor vehicle chases. One
California-weenie skateboard chase. Great roasted armpit scene. Gratuitous
aerobics. Gratuitous slam-dunking of cast members. Kung Fu. Golf ball Fu.
Pigeon Fu. Gay leather bar Fu. Sani-Can Fu. With Billie Bird as SWAT team
grandma Mrs. Feldman ("Freeze, you scuzzbuckets!"),
Randall "Tex" Cobb as
the guy who busts out of jail by making the guards play "Simon Says," and
Steve Guttenberg as the same guy from the first three. One-star deduction
for a hot-air balloon scene.
Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach
Best of all the "Academy" sequels, the one in Miami Beach, with
no fewer than THIRTEEN people slipping on golf balls, tripping over curbs,
or falling off balconies. Captain Harris and his weenie sidekick Proctor
are trying to force Commandant Lassard to retire, but the plan doesn't
work due to reasons I forgot, and they have a new fox in the cast--Janet
Jones, the blonde from The Flamingo Kid. Absolutely no plot to get in
the way of the story.
No breasts, but extensive cleavage on the enormously
talented Leslie Easterbrook as Callahan. Groin-kicking. Transvestite
purse- snatcher tackling. Giant attic-fan boat chase through the
Everglades. Gratuitous pet goldfish. Kung Fu. Golf ball Fu. Frisbee Fu.
Metal detector Fu. Fire extinguisher Fu. Parrot Fu. Bad Hawaiian shirt Fu.
With Rene Auberjonois of “Deep Space 9” as one of the finest dork jewel thieves in the
history of the drive-in, G.W. Bailey as the pants-dropping Captain Harris,
Bubba Smith as Hightower (airplane door-ripping, rubber-alligator
wrestling), David Graf as Tackleberry (holding a shark at gunpoint), Lance
Kinsey as Proctor (water-skiing on his hiney, ordering a Potato Colada,
demonstrating how to attack a cactus with his crotch).
Police Academy 6: City under Siege
The series goes back to basics, with Tackleberry firing off
handguns the size of Montana, Callahan and her two enormous talents
kung-fuing the rookies, Bubba Smith lifting office buildings, Michael Winslow of Spaceballs doing the sound-effects voices, Proctor sucking up to Harris,
Harris making a jerk of himself, and, of course, Commandant Lassard
dropping bowling balls in the fish tank. The only new element is Kenneth
Mars, the “Springtime For Hitler” guy from The Producers, [Mel Brooks movie version] as the Mayor who says "I'm sure you
will help us tree these swine."
No breasts. 714 sight gags. No plot to get
in the way of the story. Monster big-wheel truck motor vehicle chase, with
six crashes. Gratuitous knock-knock joke. Kung Fu. Giant stick Fu. Sequel
Fu. Directed by Peter Bonerz (Jerry the Dentist on the original Bob Newhart Show).
For these and other movie reviews by the artist formerly known as the host of MonsterVision, go to Joe Bob Briggs.com Tell him Sci-fans sent you (he’s never heard of us)
Steve Guttenberg movies previously in 2007:
Bad Medicine (1985, comedy as U.S. student in med school in a 3rd-world country)
Wed Jul 18 1am/4am EST on Fox Movie Channel
Cocoon (1985 sci-fi dir. by Ron Howard)
Tue Jun 26 1pm/4pm EST on Fox Movie Channel
Mon Jul 2 3pm/6pm EST on Fox Movie Channel
Thu Jul 12 11am/2pm EST on Fox Movie Channel
Cocoon 2: The Return (1988)
Dec 17, 2006 on American Movie Classics
Mon Jul 30 1am/4am EST on Fox Movie Channel
It Takes Two (tycoon's daughter trades places with an orphan, 1995)
Fri Jun 29 11:00A, 6pm & 12:45A on Starz Kids and Family
Mon July 9 02:05P on Encore Love Stories
Mon Jul 9 03:05P on Movie Plex
Fri Jul 20 10:50A on Flix Movie Channel
Thu Jul 26 08:00A & 4:45P on Flix Movie Channel
Sun Jul 29 01:05P on Flix Movie Channel
Sun May 20 01:40A on Cinemax
Tue Jul 24 10:30A on More Max
Sun Jul 29 06:00A on More Max
Mon Aug 6 01:40P on HBO Zone
Thu Aug 9 05:35P on HBO Zone
Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment
Tue Jul 24 12:05P on More Max
Sun Jul 29 07:40A on More Max
Fri Aug 3 06:00A on HBO Zone
Fri Aug 10 03:20A on HBO Zone
Police Academy 3: Back in Training
Sun July 1 07:15A on HBO Zone
Tue Jul 24 05:00A on HBO Zone
Sun Aug 5 10:40P on HBO Family
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (CoPs)
Fri Jul 27 06:00A on HD Movies
Poseidon (2005 remake)
Sun Apr 29 07:00P & 9:00P on SciFi Channel
Fri Jul 27 03:00P on USA Network
Sat Jul 28 02:00A on USA Network
Short Circuit (A frightened robot accidentally lands at the home of an animal lover)
Tue Feb 20 03:00A on Wam!
Sat May 5 07:00P on ION (previously PAX)
3 Men & A Baby (1985, with Tom Selleck)
Mon Jul 23 10:00A & 2:00A on TBS
3 Men & A Little Lady (1990 sequel)
Thu Aug 2 12:15P on EncoreTower of Terror (1997, Guttenberg inherits a haunted hotel)
Last scheduled Oct 21, 2006 on ABC's Family Channel
Police Academy movie trailer (click to play clip)
In addition to Bad Medicine and the Police Academy movies, Steve Guttenberg also appeared in the scifi/horror film The Boys From Brazil. His most recent movie was a remake of Irwin Allen's 1972 upside-down ship adventure The Poseidon Adventure.
Pharmacist: Take this with an empty stomach
Patient: Does it say that on the lable?
Pharmacist: Yes, right here next to the picture of a stomach
Patient: Ewww! Gross!
Pharmacist: You should see the picture we use on the lable for suppositories