Every time I try to play poker in peace, like God
intended, Cherry Dilday starts screaming, "I wanna go! I wanna go! I wanna
go!" Why do women feel the need to do this? I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and
it's Voodoo Formula Night here on "MonsterVision." Our first movie is
Love Potion No. 9, starring Sandra Bullock as a nerd in a lab coat, followed by the great Wes Craven flick "The Serpent and the Rainbow,"
based on the true story of some guy at Harvard who goes down to Haiti to
try to find out the secret formula for turnin people into zombies. And the
great rockabilly gospel singer Wanda Jackson, who's known for a song
that's kinda related to "Love Potion No. 9" is gonna stop by. I'll explain
later. You know, there's a reason why women have been banned from poker
games since the beginning of time. Lemme splain it here for you. First of
all, they don't REALLY wanna go. They SAY they wanna go. They ACT like
they wanna watch a bunch of guys play poker. And sometimes, God forbid,
they even say they wanna PLAY THE GAME THEMSELVES. But what happens when
they get there? They wanna talk about the French onion dip. They wanna
talk about the color of the tablecloth. They wanna say things like,
"That's FUNNY the way you shuffle." In other words, they wanna concentrate
on everything except THE GOLDURN POKER GAME.
Secondly, this really
happened to me. I was showing two jacks up against Chubb Fricke's two
queens in seven-card stud one night, and on the last card he checked. I
pushed a hunnerd dollars in chips into the pot, KNOWING THAT HE HAD ME
BEAT. And Chubb sat there for a LOOOOOOOONG time, trying to decide what to
do. Meanwhile, Cherry is hovering around the table, bringing me drinks and
stuff, and she asks to look at my hand. So I show it to her--and then she
says, "I have to go to the ladies room." She LEAVES the dang table. She
acts like she could CARE LESS what happens. Chubb grins at me, pushes $200
into the pot. He knew that, if I had a hand, Cherry would have stuck
around to see us play it out. I had him bluffed, and she UNBLUFFED
The only thing worse than having women at the poker table is
having women in the game. I played against a group of women one time,
checked on three queens, held four of them in a pretty sizeable pot with
weak hands. I checked on the showdown round, then raised the limit when
the betting got back to me. The last two in both called me and I raked
quite a pile, and then all these women ATTACKED ME, claiming it was
against the rules to check on a good hand and then raise the limit. They
didn't think it was "nice." Poker is NOT NICE. Whoever said poker was
NICE? Poker is one guy trying to take away every OTHER guy's money. Poker
is NASTY. There was only one woman I ever met who could play poker, and
she was a 350-pound lesbian. Normally, it's just NOT IN THE
And speaking of estrogen overkill, you gals'll like our
first flick, "Love Potion No. 9." It's the story of a buck-toothed,
horn-rimmed scientist who sprays some magic Binaca in her mouth and
becomes Sandra Bullock. And her geeky lab partner, Tate Donovan, uses the
breath spray, too, and starts sleeping with entire sororities, even though
he's still basically a geek. Let's do the drive-in totals and get it
started. We have:
No dead bodies. No breasts. 20
hot-to-trot cats. One post-coital chimp. One shamelessly wasted
prostitute. Right hook to the jaw. Saliva to the hand. Peacock
feather to the, uh, well, I better not say it. Nipple grabbing.
Gratuitous Anne Bancroft. Farfegnugen Fu.
I give it . . .
three and a half stars. I really like this little goofball of a movie.
Check it out, and we'll be brewing a little love potion here ourselves.
And singer Wanda Jackson will be comin by.
[fading] Listen, guys,
I'm telling you. Do NOT relax the age-old rule on women at poker games.
Send em to day spas. Give em tickets to the ballet. Do ANYTHING, but do
NOT let em near that table. I do NOT wanna have to tell you again.
"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #1
Kinda got that
cotton-candy comedy feel, doesn't it? Based on the great song by Jerry
Leiber and Mike Stoller. Half the movies in the 80s were named after
Leiber and Stoller songs. "Stand By Me." "Poison Ivy." The team that wrote
every song you never remembered you knew until somebody sings it in a
Ramada Inn lounge. Don't get me wrong--great songwriters, they did a lot
of stuff for Elvis--"Hound Dog," "Jailhouse Rock"--but their songs are so
HUMMABLE that every lounge lizard programs it into his combo
synthesizer/Hammond organ/rhythm section. "Love Me"--remember that one?
"Young Blood." "Kansas City." "Yakety Yak." "Riot in Cell Block Number 9,"
which was sung by the great Wanda Jackson, who's gonna be swingin by a
little later. They just had that tribute show on Broadway, "Smokey Joe's
Cafe," big hit with tourists--and every song is Leiber and Stoller. "On
Broadway." That's one of their hit songs, isn't it? [hums "On Broadway"]
See what I mean? I won't be able to forget it the rest of the night. Did
somebody just charge us five thousand dollars? They hate it when you hum
popular songs on TV. "That'll be three million dollars please, because you
SANG MY SONG." Okay, great scene with the bitchy blonde at the bar, wasn't
it? Although, in truth, women are never that honest. They either say "I'm
married" or "I have a boyfriend" or "I wouldn't sleep with you if I was
deaf, dumb and blind." If only they'd be more straightforward. Anyhow,
that was Hillary Bailey Smith as the girl, and if I was Tate Donovan, I
would've at LEAST taken a STAB at her question. And then he lets a
perfectly good professional girl go to waste. At least Sandra Bullock got
a little nookie in. Okay, next break I'm gonna brew a little of my own
love potion, so roll the film.
[fading] No self-respecting guy
would have a cat, right? I mean, that there says it all. Actually, I like
cats. After the show we'll all exchange recipes. "I'm going to Kansas City
. . ." I'm so fired.
"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #2
ingredients: rosemary, black tea, thyme, nutmeg, mint leaves, rose petals,
lemon leaves, hot spring water, sugar, honey; earthenware or copper
You know what this reminds me of? Those bottles of
pheromones they sell in the back of Hustler magazine. Same thing, right?
You spray it all over your body right before you go out on a date and
women get incredibly horny for your bod. But it costs 60 bucks and the
bottles are so small that--well, I don't know any DETAILS. Okay, you know
what we're gonna do right now? We're gonna brew our own LOVE POTION. Won't
this be cute? Where'd we get this love potion? [silence] Apparently some
massage parlor down on Harry Hines Boulevard. Okay, I believe Rusty is
bringing out some mail at the next break, so I thought I'd try it out on
her. Not that I really NEED that kinda help. Anyhow, here are the
ingredients: [putting them in tea pot] 1 pinch of rosemary, 2 teaspoons of
black tea, 3 pinches of thyme, 3 pinches of nutmeg, 3 mint leaves, 6 rose
petals, 6 lemon leaves, 3 cups of pure spring water--I hope Ozarka is
okay--sugar, and honey. What kind of potion is this? This sounds like
something grandma takes to the Ladies Day luncheon at the Babtist Church.
Shouldn't we have some frog's guts in here or something? Okay, [reading
recipe] "To make another person fall in love with you, brew this tea on a
Friday--" On a Friday? Why do we have a recipe you have to do on a Friday?
Why don't we have a Saturday recipe? See, already I'm hosed. All right,
maybe it'll still work. "...brew this tea on a Friday during a waxing
moon." At least we got THAT right. We're waxing like crazy this week. We
got a moon that's waxing more than Pamela Anderson before a photo shoot.
"Place all ingredients in an earthenware or copper tea kettle." Okay, I
did that. "Boil three cups of pure spring water and add to the kettle.
Sweeten with sugar and honey, if desired. Before drinking, recite this
magical rhyme:" You guys ready? "BY LIGHT OF MOON WAXING I BREW THIS TEA
TO MAKE RUSTY DESIRE ME." [drinks tea] Now I'm supposed to say: "GODDESS
OF LOVE HEAR NOW MY PLEA. LET RUSTY DESIRE ME! SO MOTE IT, SO MOTE IT BE."
Whatever that means. Okay, "On the following Friday, brew another pot of
tea and give some to the person you want to love you. He or she will soon
begin to fall in love with you." Oh, great, I'm supposed to wait a week.
That doesn't help me. I tell you what, I'll try it tonight, and if it
doesn't work, I'll do it again next week. All right, let's get back to the
[fading] You know, I could just pretend that I'm doing this
by the book, but I want you folks at home to have the advantage of the
recipe as it's ACTUALLY WRITTEN. Not the half-baked way we do things
around HERE. We couldn't find a love potion with a one-night turnaround?
Did we call that witch guy we had on last summer? Never mind, I've been
having trouble with my car ever since he was on the show. That was a
strange experience. Remember when he came out of the closet on the show?
Out of the broom closet. We ARE waxing, aren't we? I don't care what you
guys are doing, I'm waxing.
"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #3
Good scene again with the bitchy blonde in the bar. Played by
Hillary Bailey Smith. The girl so awesome she has three last names. I
think I forgot to mention that she's a pretty big soap star, plays Nora
Buchanan on "One Life to Live." The fact that Tate Donovan doesn't take
her home and THEN blow her off proves that this is, indeed, a chick flick.
Course, there WAS the sorority house. But let's not get bogged down in
details, cause it's time for "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless," where we
answer some of your own questions of love--[sotto] and don't forget I have
the Love Potion--[enters] and to help us out is the irresistible TNT Mail
Girl, Rusty. Would you like some tea?
MAIL GIRL: No, thank you. By
the way, women aren't real crazy about the phrase "chick
flick." Why not? MAIL GIRL: Well, it does kind of reduce us
to a stereotype. No, I mean, why don't you want any
tea? MAIL GIRL: I just had a big cup of coffee. This is
herbal. MAIL GIRL: I'm just not thirsty. Where'd you get
it? I made it. MAIL GIRL: Oh, then I really don't want it.
Here's an e-mail from Mike Senger of Decatur, Illinois.
Bob, "You are truly the Franz Kafka of the Trailer Park. Your
witticisms are timely as a plate of hot biscuits and gravy." That's
a compliment, right? MAIL GIRL: I think it is. "P.S. If you
get this soon, move the flyswatter on the wall. Better yet, scold Rusty
the Mailgirl with it for late mail. "Mike 'Sing Sing' Senger,
Well, Mike, we don't allow any
butt-swatting on "MonsterVision," as that is no longer acceptable in the
society of polite females and can result in costly sexual harassment
litigation. Oh what the hell, you talked me into it. Bring me that
fly swatter so I can give you a spanking, Rusty. MAIL GIRL: I don't
THINK so! I tell you what--drink my tea and I'll spare
you. MAIL GIRL: I told you, I don't want any tea. But I made
it just for you. MAIL GIRL: That and the spanking will really get
you far. [starts to exit] Why don't you take it with you. You can
drink it later. MAIL GIRL: Okay, fine. [takes tea,
exits] She'll be back.
[fading] We get a LOT of letters
about hanky spanky panky. That's getting real popular, isn't it? I don't
wanna know why. Okay? Are you a spankER or a spankEE? You have to be one
or the other. Jerry Springer.
"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #4
Pretty good job of
turning Sandra Bullock from a geek into a beauty. She was a believable
geek, don't you think? You know those girls that say "No girl is really
ugly--every girl has potential--we'll just work on it, dear"? It's never
the ugly girls that say that, is it? Some people you can't really work on.
They fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I
like that place on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, that lady's day
spa--their motto is "There are no unattractive women, only LAZY ones."
Anyway, what would have been interesting is if Sandra Bullock REMAINED a
geek in the movie but continued to use the potion. She would have guys
falling all over her, millionaires wanting to marry her, but she would
still look like Miss Hathaway on "The Beverly Hillbillies." Wouldn't that
be funnier? Anyway, Sandra Bullock's daddy is a good ole boy from Alabama,
but her mama is a German opera singer, so Sandy--that's what her friends
call her, Sandy--had kind of a continental upbringing. But she bought a
place in Austin where she hangs on the weekends, with a rolling beer
cooler for backyard parties. Tell me this isn't a gal I'D like to hang
with. [Floor Director brings a whole cooler of beer] Wow, thanks, [ ]. She
also says she thinks there's something sexy about a gut. A man with a
paunch. Must be those Alabama genes of hers. And she says she likes simple
people who aren't into money. Okay, Sandy! Let's look at how much money
YOU make, you simple girl you. 1994: five hundred thou for "Speed."
Ninety-six: TEN MILLION five hundred thou for "In Love and War." I never
even HEARD of "In Love and War." Did anybody see that? In 1997, she made
TWELVE AND A HALF million bucks for "Speed 2," which I think got the
Razzie Award that year for Worst Picture, and made somewhere in the region
of what you make picking up trash on the interstate. And last year she
made eleven mil for "Hope Floats." That's another one nobody saw, right?
The one with Harry Connick, Jr.? So, I don't know, she may be the girl
next door, but as Mae West said, What's so great about the girl next door?
If I wanna see the girl next door, I don't have to go to the movies, I'll
go NEXT DOOR.
[Floor Director puts a platter of cheese and crackers
on the table]
[ ], what's goin on? Did the show just get cancelled
F.D.: [hesitates, then sits down] I love you,
Oh, my god--did Rusty give you some tea that I
[Joe Bob exits] Rusty!
"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #5
Okay, we've got [ ]
safely locked away for the next four hours--who knew that stuff would
work? You know, they did a test at Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment and
Research Foundation--can you believe that's a real place? Anyway, they
tested a group of men to see what odors stimulated the greatest blood flow
to the nether region, if you know what I mean and I think you do, and it
turned out that the most arousing scent was a combination of lavender and
pumpkin pie. The second most stimulating was a combo of donuts and
licorice. Women spend thousands of dollars on odors from France mixed with
the ageless wisdom of guys named Jacques who live in Marseilles and grow
entire forests full of secret flowers--and all we need is the guy who
sells fast food at the train station. Anyhow, we have a very special guest
who's taken time out of her touring schedule to chat with us. This is
amazing. She's credited as being the first woman ever to do rockabilly,
she was known as the female Elvis Presley, and I believe she TOURED with
Elvis. She did songs like "Fujiyama Mama," and was known for lyrics like,
"A good girl doesn't have to drink to have fun." I'm talking about, of
course, Wanda Jackson. Wanda, welcome to
Now, we talked earlier about Leiber
and Stoller, who wrote the song "Love Potion No. 9," and they also wrote
the great rockabilly tune "Riot in Cell Block Number Nine," which you
sang. Did you ever meet Leiber and Stoller?
what I understand, "Riot in Cell Block Number Nine" was originally written
from the male point of view. How did you get a hold of it, and who wrote
the lyrics that made it take place in a women's
It's on a new C.D., right?
talks about "Rebels and Outlaws"]
I have a copy of the C.D. here,
but there's a picture of Johnny Cash doin something with his middle finger
that TNT wouldn't be too fond of my showing. Maybe I can cover it up with
my hand . . . [shows C.D.] How do YOU feel about this, cause didn't you
leave the world of secular music for a long time?
about singing gospel]
And what made you get back into
Normally at this point on a show like
this, they'd say, "Hey, how bout a song," but if we hired a band for you,
I'd have to take a pay cut that would put me in a negative tax bracket.
Maybe you could just hum something in the public domain. Are there any
gospel tunes that don't cost anything?
And on that
note, we'll go back to the flick. Wanda Jackson, thanks so much for
"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Commercial Break #6
Okay, lemme see if I
can get this straight. If you drink Love Potion Number 8, then bitchy
blonde soap stars wanna have sex with you on a barstool when you whisper
"Farfegnugen" in their ear. If you drink Love Potion Number NINE, your
love will last forever, unless you didn't really love them, and then you
get the taste of donkey sweat in your mouth. And BOTH of you have to drink
it. But if YOU took Love Potion Number NINE, and the other person took
Love Potion Number EIGHT, you'll want to have sex with them even though
they're two-bit thieving hookers. But you also get the taste of donkey
sweat in your mouth. Does that about sum it up? Thank you, Dale Launer.
Dale is the writer/producer/director who brought us this movie. He also
wrote "My Cousin Vinny," and he was given a choice of which one he wanted
to direct, this one or that one. That one had Marisa Tomei in an
Oscar-winning performance. Yum. This one had Anne Bancroft spitting in
Tate Donovan's hand. Yuk. Okay, let's go to the predictable but still
goofily enjoyable conclusion of "Love Potion Number 9"--but don't forget,
we've got the great Wes Craven flick, "The Serpent and the Rainbow" after
[fading] You know what today's love potion is, right?
Viagra. I was gonna get some Viagra, but my insurance wouldn't cover it.
Actually, they do cover it, but they said they had to sort out the
recreational Viagrans from the truly Viagra needy. I said I WAS Viagra
needy, but then they wanted to know how I could I get through a hundred
pills in a week and a half. So I said forget it--it just wasn't worth the
hassle, you know? I figured, Why not be ready? They frown on its use in a
POTENTIAL manner, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.
"LOVE POTION NO. 9" Outro
Two hundred horny extras chasing a
hooker through the streets of Atlanta--I say that is GENIUS. I don't know
why Dale Launer hasn't directed his SECOND movie yet. Anyway, if you think
that's cute, did you know that Sandra Bullock and Tate Donovan fell in
luuuuv while they were making this movie, and they ended up being
Significant Whatchiehoojits for three years. Isn't that cute? And then
they fell out of love.
Okay, I wanna let you know that next
Saturday is Time Travel Night, and we'll have two movies based on the SAME
book--H.G. Wells' "The Time Machine." The first one is closer to the
original, the 1960 classic "The Time Machine," Rod Taylor goes into the
futuristic world of 1960, and "Time After Time," where Jack the Ripper
travels to 1979. We will NOT be showing Back to the Future again. We're
saving that for Motor Oil Night. We really do have a Motor Oil Night later
this month. Don't ask.
Sandra Bullock previous movie broadcasts in 2007:
28 Days (2000, alcoholic journalist is sent to a rehab clinic filled with eccentrics)
Fri Sep 21 08:30P & 12:00A on Oxygen
Crash (2004, drama about racism in present-day Los Angeles)
Thu Aug 2 06:15P on Showtime #2
Sat Aug 4 01:00A on Showtime
Sat Aug 4 08:00P on Showtime Showcase
Mon Aug 6 10:30P on Showtime Women
Tue Aug 7 10:00P on Showtime Extreme
Wed Sep 5 07:30P on The Movie ChannelForces of Nature (1999)
Mon Sep 10 11:30A on Cinemax
Sat Sep 15 10:30A on Cinemax
Hope Floats (1998, that's not what they say floats down at the waste treatment plant)
Fri Sep 7 09:00A on HBO
Sun Sep 9 07:00P on HBO Signature
Tue Sep 11 07:45A on HBO Zone
The Lake House (2006 fantasy, doctor and an architect exchange letters across time)
Fri Sep 7 04:15P on HBO
Sun Sep 9 05:40P on HBO Zone
Tue Sep 11 09:00A on HBO Signature
Love Potion No. 9
Mon Jun 18 01:20P & 10:00P on Movie Plex
Sun July 8 9:00P on Encore Love Stories
Sat Jul 21 1pm/4pm EST on Fox Movie Channel
Sat Aug 11 12:20P on Encore
Sat Sep 8 07:50A on Starz Comedy
Tue Sep 11 03:05P on Starz Comedy
Sat Sep 8 09:00P on Showtime Women
Miss Congeniality (tomboyish FBI agent goes undercover at a beauty pageant to catch a serial killer)
Sat Sep 22 03:45P on TBS
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous (2005)
Sat May 19 08:00P on Cinemax
Practical Magic (1998, Bullock, Nicole Kidman)
(Sibling witches become focus of investigation after magic misfires on man who tried to abduct them)
Sat Sep 8 09:30P on HBO Family
Fri Sep 14 04:00P on HBO Plus
Speed (Dennis Hopper plants bomb on bus that will go off if slows down, Bullock as driver)
Thu Sep 13 07:30P & 12:00A EST on Fox Movie Channel
Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
Wed July 4 08:00P on Encore
Sun Aug 5 12:40P & 2:00A on Starz
Sat Aug 11 12:30P on Action
Thu Sep 6 02:10P & 10:00P on Action
Thu Sep 6 03:10P & 11:00P on Movie Plex
Thu Sep 13 09:30P EST on Fox Movie Channel
The Vanishing (1993 remake)
Sat Sep 8 12:15P & 10:10P on Mystery
Wed Sep 12 09:00P on Encore Drama Channel
Mon Sep 24 09:30P on Fox Movie Channel
While You Were Sleeping (1995)
A lonely clerk poses as a comatose man's fiancée, then falls for his brother.
Sat Sep 8 08:45A on Showtime
Fri Sep 14 10:45A & 8:40P on Showtime Family Zone
Sat Sep 15 07:45A on Starz
Fri Sep 28 12:00P, 9:00P & 7:15A on Encore Love Stories
Biography: Sandra Bullock (2005, 60 mins)
Tue Jun 19 08:00P & 12:00A on Biography Channel
Sandra Bullock Revealed (2007 profile, 60 min)
Tue Sep 4 02:00P on E! Television