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The Gruntwilligar T. Honkenoffski Homepage

DING DING DING!!!! BBBRAP BBRAP BBRAP! SOUND THE KLAXXON!



Wait, what?
Could it be??
ROCKIN' HONKENOFFSKI WEB TEAM!
In the Year of Our Honk, Two Thousand Fourteen, at the midpoint of the year. An update comes! And Holy fuckballs, Angelfire is still a thing?!

Well, folks, there's not much news in the world of Honk anymore. Yes, the original web team has long since disbanded. At least one got married and formed babby, several have gotten jobs and/or lives. One is reported (and now confirmed) dead as of 6/9/2012. The pretender to the throne posts under the Great One's name on that booky facial site, but the True Spirit of the Honk lives on.

But really, enough with the Penguin thing already. Honk had more interests that those annoying tuxedo birds. And what the FUCK is the cowbell bit? Bacon, though, well Honk approves of that.

One would hope one of the Honks is actually going to run for President this time. Because, seriously? This crap on the news is real? I don't want to live on this planet any more! Several for the former Honkers are old enough to serve in that capacity, so why not?

The posts may continue, but yes, Internet, for all intents and purposes, Gruntwilligar is dead, and has been for years. Hi-diddely-oh. Apple Turnover. Cows dipped in kerosene.




and oh yeah:




February 2010 UPDATE!!!



Gruntwilligar is still dead. Due to the recession, which even reaches into other dimensions, his resurrection has been delayed indefinitely. Flintlock is there in the afterlife too, and Gruntie is getting his revenge.

The Honkenoffski estate has gone into foreclosure, and was sold to the highest (and only) bidder last December for $9.23, the exact amount previously-unknown Honkenoffski brother, Chaklin E. Honkenoffski, had in the console of his car. Unfortunately Chaklin was dangerously allergic to Penguins, so he too is now dead.

Pittsburgh authorities are looking for any surviving Honkenoffski siblings on an unrelated matter.


MARCH 2009 UPDATE


Disclaimer: The following update from November is misinformation. It is nearly 100% false. The bit about wishing to be buried in Antarctica is true, but the rest is the result of a computer programmer in central California overcome by a brief spell of nostalgia and ennui. THAT IS THE OFFICIAL STORY. LEARN IT. KNOW IT. LIVE IT.

The unofficial story, which you are not to repeat to anyone, is that Honkenoffski's death in 2006 was faked. He needed to escape and assume a new identity due to some poor business decisions in Nigeria. This information was learned from his suicide note sewn to the noose suspending his body from the rafters in the basement of the Honkenoffski Estate guesthouse. His partially decomposed body was found by the Sheriff on September 17, 2007.

He's dead. For real. Jesus, I never thought I'd see the day! was the Sheriff's only comment. Sadly. no Californians were consulted during the whole episode.

NOVEMBER 2008 UPDATE!


Gruntwilligar T. Honkenoffski died on October 18, 2006. His true age was unknown but evidence places his age at approximately seventy.

We do apologize for the lateness of this update, but the Gruntwilligar project was discontinued, and besides, nobody wanted to admit he was gone.

Gruntwilligar was found dead in his Swiss vacation home in the mid-afternoon of October 19, 2006 by a friend who wishes not to be identified. The friend became concerned after Mr. Honkenoffski did not show up for a lunch date. He was found on the couch, where he apparently died peacefully while watching a DVD which contained a documentary on the mating habits of Emperor Penguins. Medics were called to the scene but quickly determined that Honkenoffski had been dead for some time. Dr. Farnsnarf from the local hospital put Honkenoffski's time of death at approximately one day before his body was found.

Following directions in his will, Honkenoffski's body was transported and buried in Antarctica.

The following is Gruntwilligar T. Honkenoffski's website, in its final form, left up for posterity.

Note: any future disclaimers attempting to "correct" this update are almost entirely false. The computer programmer is far from bored.

Where did I leave my keys?
The car.
The shower.
The fridge.
The ducks have them.
Out in the world, the sky above them.
The dog et it.
Results


IN MEMORIAM: Flintlock Honkenoffski



SEE:

the Gruntwilligar T. Honkenoffski BLOG!

MAKE A DIFFERENCE!



WRITE IN HONKENOFFSKI!


YOU ARE BEING WASHED!!!

this text was inserted by a VIRUS named Johnathan, currently working as an investment banker in New Mexico.

ALL YOUR INFORMATION ARE BELONG TO US

ALL YOUR INFORMATION ARE BELONG TO US!!!!1!!1!!1111

Seriously, folks, if you vote for me you'll never see this kind of stupid shit again. Or at least if I do something as stupid as this I will respect your decency and not put a fucking CONVICTED FELON in charge of the goddamned thing.



Philosophies of G. T. Honkenoffski

NUMBER 89102-a:

The Principle of Add, Don't Subtract

As long-time fans of my web-site will know, and as new visitors will discover, my web-team and I practice our art with the prinicple of "Add, Don't Subtract".

From the title itself you can glean quite a bit of what this prinicple entails. For the infirm and inbred, let me explain: when I, or any of my trusted web team update this website, it is always to add new content, or to update existing content, but never to remove content, no matter how stupid, badly-written, obscene or out-of-date it may be.

This principle has been in practice for ages, from the web sites of oddball political figures to the stock market (I mean, the people who run the fucking thing can't possibly have the ability to subtract, since, you know, the economy will keep expanding exponentially forever and stuff). Our mission is to keep updating this website until it passes the Chandrasekhar limit and it collapses into a black hole (or until we exhaust our Angelfire account, whichever comes first).

Oh, except for that Flintlock shit. That's gone. May that son of a bitch rest in pieces.

NUMBER 5

The Principle of "Funny While Drunk"

(not to be confused with NUMBER 17, "The Principle of 'Funny While Drunk'", which implies that the object of "funny" is also the object of "drunk")

This, like most non-pornographic web sites in the hypermatic electroweb, is usually MUCH funnier if it is experienced while drunk.

Now it doesn't matter if you are a kind visitor reading this web page or if you are a webmaster updating this page; in either case things are invariably funnier when tanked.

Honkenoffski heartily recommends beer (the more exotic the better! You're visiting other lands!!!) or wine (more potent but far less vile than straight spirits). Women and girly-men can go for that goofy shit like Bailey's, if they must.

If you can find some absinthe, all the better. The hallucinations go well with this web page.


Number Fourteen

This is the most important one of all. Do not, under any circumstances, forget this rule. Number 14 is what it all comes down to!


Oh, and another thing:


<-- He is a duck. Quack quack.




Jesus says "Blessed are those who vote Honkenoffski"




Introducing the Honkenoffski Live PenguinCam

Dig those crazy penguins!



Gruntwilligar has his eyes on you...

HEY! YOU! Do something with this page dammit!





grunty says 'welcome'


As you can see from the above picture, Gruntwilligar is Butt ugly.


Mr. Honkenoffski likes to relax at weekends by dressing up as a Neo-Nazi to amuse and entertain local children. Gruntwilligar himself is from a very large family, some of them are almost ten feet tall. Gruntwilligar likes to frolick in the autumn mists in a land called Honna-Lee. Mr. Honkenoffski has a dog named "Fritz". Yeah I know Fritz isn't moving. That's 'coz he died a few years ago. Gruntwilligar had him stuffed because he loved Fritz so much. Gruntwilligar Uber Alles! Sieg Grunt! Sieg Grunt!

Ooh, You're an ugly freak, aren't you!

A Message From A REAL Presidential Candidate

Please vote for me. I'll give you a blowjob. Promise.




If you feel like sending us your thoughts, or if you notice some error on this page and feel the irresitible urge to let us know how bloody observant you are, you can email Gruntwilligar Or, alternatively, you can READ some of the letters Mr. Honkenoffski is getting. Send one to him yourself, it may appear here, immortalizing you forever.









Daddy's home...I'm BAD!

Spot the Difference




Vote for ME!

Spot the Loony




I'm gay! I love Everyone!

Spot the Homosexual






Build your own Atomic Bomb!




Who is Gruntwilligar T. Honkenoffski?
(wer ist Gruntwilligar T. Honkenoffski?)



And what is this all about?






What has Honkenoffski in common with James Brown?


Beware the random text insertion!


What's going on?


Introducing the World's First HTML-Based Mirror!!








THE NOBLE CHALLENGE




how pure are you?

HAVE YOU FED THE PENGUINS TODAY?




.<---good bit










Gruntwiligar in conversation with some close friends.

This page is best viewed with Netscape Navigator version 1.1 or lower.
This site will detect if you are using Internet Explorer, and kick your dawgz.



This site is powered by lots & lots of caffeine.

Where is Gruntwiligar's favourite round stone?



Why is Gruntwilligar so goddamn random??




Once I found a peanut, a peanut I did find
it looked really tiny
when bigger ones I did find
Fight the system, the peanut said
Big brother is your enemy, we need him dead

What is going on here? Do you know?



Gruntwilligar T. Honkenoffski, Picture of a twisted life.



Gruntwilligar was born in a rowboat to itinerant Gypsy penguin farmers. At the first sight of Grunty, as he was soon known becaue of the sounds he made, Papa Honkenoffski thought about tossing him overboard. The only reason Papa didn't toss Grunty overboard was that he didn't want to create an ecological disaster. As Grunty grew, it became obvious that he was different than the other children. For one thing, Grunty had one enormous bollock which caused him to waddle like a penguin. Once, while near shore, Grunty sailed his dingy to the coast and picked up some rounded stones which he used to bribe the penguins and was able to take over his own pengun farm. At the age of 10 his parents sent him to school. Grunty did well in school, only failing kindergarten 3 times before being given a 'social promotion'. More to follow..... ..... ..... (we've been waiting 10 years! Where's the more?)

The resumé of Gruntwilligar T. Honkenoffski


Meet the Honkenoffski Web Team.








The Honkenoffski Song
sung to the tune of "Rudolph"
Randolph the brown nosed logdeer had a very smelly log
and if you ever smelled it,you would scream "OH MY GOD!",
all of the other logdeer, used to fart and run away,
they never let poor Randolph use the logder biddee.
Then one smoggy ExLax eve, Mylanta came to say,
Randolph with your nose so brown,
won't you help me flush mine down.
Then all the logdeer mugged him,
they even went and took a pee,
Randolph the brown nosed logdeer you can sh*t in a tree!





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