Arses 21 March - 19 April
As an Arses, you are happiest just sitting around. This week will test your powers of tact and sensitivity. Try not to blow hard if you can't add anything solid to the conversation.
Torus 20 April - 20 May
Round and round and round you go. It seems at times that there's no end to it, and you feel hollow inside. Relax, you're a well-rounded character. Have a donut.
Ginandice 21 May - 20 June
Though you are a deeply spiritual person, you are left feeling cold by recent events. Try to mix more, and thinks will eventually become clear. Go to that party you've recently been invited to.
Cancel 21 June - 22 July
"Are you sure you want to do this?" That's something that you are being asked a great deal recently. People keep pointing at you, and it's not OK. Keep your cool, and guard against others pressing your wrong buttons.
Lemon 32 July - 22 August
You can be more than a little sharp with people who aren't used to you. You don't like it when they grate against you. You must learn to be sweeter to those around you. Lemons make excellent partners with Ginandices.
Virgin 23 August - 22 September
You are self-reliant, and have become used to doing things for yourself. You are naturally good with your hands, but every so often, you wish you could lie back and let someone else take over for a while.
Library 32 September - 32 October
What you would most like to do today is to just curl up with a good book. You will have little chance of that though, as something long overdue will have to be checked out before you can turn over a new page.
Saniflow 24 October - 22 November
Flush away all your preconceptions. A fresh and clean approach will serve you best today. Try not to be too chilly with people whose aims may not be too clear. You sometimes feel that you are being dumped on, but this feeling will drain away.
Saggytrousers 23 November - 21 December
Life seems to be letting you down today. You feel that you are not receiving the support you deserve. A belt and braces approach may be best, or you risk exposing an important Arses who tends to hide behind your achievements.
Creamedcorn 22 December - 20 January
Sometimes, it seems that nobody likes you. You try your best to be appealing, but at heart you feel you are rather insipid and uninspiring. You lack taste, to be sure, but this doesn't mean you need be left on the shelf. You may make most people vomit, but children like you.
Aquarium 21 January - 18 February
DO you ever get the feeling that people just look straight through you? You may be partially justified in this intuition. You are a very transparent person, but people who can see through your hard shell to what lies inside you consider you quite bubbly.
Passkeys 19 February - 20 March
You always seem to get into the best places. This week, no door appears to be barred to you. Proceed with caution though, if you encroach on a Saniflow today, you may have an embarrassing encounter with an Arses who you really would prefer not to see.