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| The Sturgeon View By: Benzilla Yes indeed there kiddies, this time we explore the most recent WWE house show....eugh. Well lets begin by my personal thanks to Izzy Awsome giving me thoroughly confusing directions and making me think I was going to somewhere where I'd have never been...turns out its near Hanrahan's. So, once there, I get to watch Izzy struggle to get out of his place of employment, after the humor that ensues, we're off to the Resche Center for this "long awaited" house show. Seeing how this was my 4th WWE show, I've gotten past that whole "holy crap, the ring looks so small", and all that shit. Not quite the spectacle it used to be, even more so when you start analyzing it all. So, looking around before the show begins, Izzy and I notice that there's quite a bit of red showing....like the seats because no ones in them. When WWE came to the Resche in January, RAW was at least close to selling out. It really did better then I thought, this time around...maybe a total of 2,500...which hell, sure dwarfs ACW or any Indy feds numbers. BUT, this is WWE...the global wrestling fed, the biggest name in wrestling, ect. All the money, programming, ads they stuff in for this...and its 2,500 people. They didn't even sell out all of the floor seats...which is really sad. And oddly enough, some sections were almost full, and others were almost empty, instead of having them all spread evenly throughout to make it seem fuller. Izzy and I then comment on how some handicap people are faking there injuries....he he. We then establish how awful it is that some people walked away with literally bags of shit from the merchandise stand...but mention ACW or anything non-WWE to them, and they'll look at you like your from another planet, or say "yeah, whatever, get the fuck outta my way". Mindless drones....even worse: Programs for 15 bucks! If I've got 15 bucks, would I choose a front row ticket to our next show with Daniels/Styles and the bucket load of other names I sure as hell look forward to see...or a mass produced cheap ass mark magazine? Well if people wised up a little, then we wouldn't look at 200 plus for our next show and be amazed. So anyways, the damned program finally gets going...ring announcer dude needs his own music to come out too....and has some other guy from some radio station that even the ring announcer fucks up on sayin...blah. Our first match: The Dudley’s vs. Hardcore Holly & Billy Gunn Izzy LOUDLY directs someone to quote "Hit play you moron!" to play the Duds music, and as empty as the Resche was, it wasn't hard yell loud...instead, they come out to nothing. They begin to yack aimlessly, using typical cheap heat and heel tactics...they challenge anyone from the back. Oh goodie, Billy Gunn has elected to fight, and is bringing Hardcore Holly in too. Its the dreaded combo of old guys Vince has pushed time and time again, and have gone no where. Grrrrreat....somewhere during this, I said that Holly/Gunn would be a better tag team if they had a name, eventually Izzy and I come up with "Hard Ass" for them. I still say Hardcore Ass would be way more over. As far as the match? Hard Ass wins it....no 3D, no "Whazzzzup", or tables...you know, probably the only thing most of the WWE marks know about the Duds. Winners: Hardcore Ass (Holly/Gunn) Ah...next up for this awe full event....you know, I shouldn't bitch b/c the ticket was free and all, but Christ, this show's awful. How can anyone care about it when they draw a measly 2,500? Moridick...err...Mordici? Vs. Shannon Moore Okay, so if you've had half a brain to miss Smackdown unless you have something better to do (i.e.: watching grass grow, paint dry, your shlong wrinkle, your fingers prune in water, decide how come "y" is a vowel, ect) then Mordici...whom I'm calling Moridick b/c I don't give a shit about him or his lame gimmick, then you don't know who he is. Invision the Undertaker, but a shorter guy, fatter, wearing an all white robe, all white clothing, taking longer to get to the ring then to wrestle, and walking with a plastic symbol. Izzy and I come up with various jokes about him, here we go: "Somewhere, there's a hotel bed missing a bed sheet." "His robe looks like he stole it from a KKK memember." And that was Izzy and Ben makin fun of Moridick. So anyways, crowd does NOT give a shit about this match...not even remotely. Absolute deadness. I think Izzy farted and someone on the other side of the arena heard it and laughed. Anyways, Moridick who's getting a monster push for no reason other then to piss off all the smarks, destroys Moore with his finisher...Scott Hall's old powerbomb...I know the name, just can't spell it. Winner: Moridick (with no reaction) He's got the Scott Steiner hair job too by the way. And now its time for words of encouragement from Izzy: "Hey Shannon! You probably wouldn't suck as much if you didn't have a girls name!". Awww...feel the love. Orlando Jordan vs. Mark Jindrak (With Teddy Long) Long starts out and makes me fuck up by thinking its Mark Henry....anyways, he rants and raves about somethin...I dunno what, and don't care. Eventually he brings out Jindrak, an old WCW flunkee, who's borrowing Lex Luger's old Narcissist gimmick where struts around flexing and looking into a mirror, and thinks he's perfect. So he stole Mr. Perfects gimmick too. Izzy mentions that if Mr. Perfect was so perfect, how come he didn't know how much coke he could handle? Again, this match is garbage. Sad thing is, crowd gives a bigger shit about Jordan then Moridick, and Jordan's getting no push. None of this makes sense to me, Long is a rasist, as he sat and called all of the crowd a bunch of crackas...which is the same thing as calling a black dude you know what....of course, if you actually do it its a 10 times bigger deal then calling a white guy a cracka. Again, another debate by Izzy and I. So, this match blows...I remember nothing, it just sucked though. No thrilling parts at all. Ah...eventually Jindrak wins...or somethin. Winner (Probably): Mark "I stole some dudes gimmick" Jindrack Ah...Billy Kidman fought some guy too....I forget who....like anyone cares anyways....moving on. I'm almost in cardiac arrest as someone that gives me hope for a reason to be at this house show arrives: Kurt Angle. WWE does care....awww...Angle tells us about the matches that people probably give a shit about, and that we are done seeing jobbers for the night. He also promises that we'll also provide a piece of rope for those who just can't go on... Intermission...I think, dude launches t-shirts...and one almost gets Izzy in the balls, but some kid nabbed it. HOWEVER! Izzy finds some "Thunder Sticks" from the Blizzard game...which I hear drew way better then WWE has tonight. So, Izzy blows them up, and begins his goal of annoying the whole 2,500 or so people. Until: Jason Doreen, the ref we usually chant death threats at, shows. He doesn't like thunder sticks, and breaks Izzy's. We almost get to see a brawl, but there was a cop 2 feet away from us. Intermission passes, Izzy and I decide to say fuck it and fill in the half empty floor seats. Rachel was there too before this, and even she left before the big name guys...yep, WWE's outdone themselves here. Rico/Haas vs. The FBI I'm going of memory...its 3am for me, I have no idea what happened during this match. I know Izzy and I hoped that Big Sal, who was like 500 pounds of blubber would return to the FBI...and bring Sign Guy Dudley with him. God damn...how did I sit through this shit? Ah...well its a house show, so no title will change hands, ever. No wonder why these things bring in a big 2,500. So, Rico/Haas win using Rico's gay antics. Hardy har har...jokes old, move on. Winners: Me, for not giving a damn. Alright, I'm impatient. Here's what else happened: Cena beats Booker T Mysterio beats Dupree...and mocks the OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH DANCE! Eddy Guerrerro beats JBL Some other shit happens. The Resche has the nicest potties I've ever used. Automatic paper towel dispensers! In closing, why anyone would choose this awful, terrible, piece of shit display of wrestling over ACW...or quite frankly any form of Indy wrestling, is just beyond me. I have never seen another Indy show, but fuck, I'd be willing I'd be more entertained then this shit. No one gave a damn about this show, not the wrestlers, not the crowd, not me. It gives me a headache just to think that people choose to spend hundreds here and refuse to ever look outside the box at our shows. Oh yeah, some little kid annoyed us while we were sitting in the floor seats, he kept trying to get us to call Booker T a cracka....we laughed our asses off. It was great. The crowd chanting "USA! USA!" when the only American was the REF was great. Mysterio's Mexican....Dupree is Canadian....anyhow, Izzy and I have a bet that Dupree is 19...look for Izzy to wear something degrading next ACW show. For me, I'm off to go sleep... Recommendation: Avoid at all costs...unless you get a free ticket. |