Volpane In Love

Decade Archive of my personal blog from 1999 to 2009.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Silence is...

I was looking for an adjective to describe why I haven't posted in almost a month. Right now a lot of adjectives spring to mind, but I'm finding them impolitic to post here as they could be misinterpreted. Let's just stick to that old standby cliche', "I've been very busy lately".

Chris remains in Tucson and I've been corresponding with him and pestering him with voicemails. He's been calling me regularly and diligently. I am very fortunate to have such a friend as Chris.

Back in January I realized I wanted to visit Chris where he'd been living in Tucson and began planning the trip. Unfortunately, financial obligations and unplanned additional expenses in the form of bank fees prevented me from purchasing a ticket when the air fares were affordable. Last week, when I finally had some money together to purchase the ticket, I went online and found that the fares had increased by one hundred percent. I am feeling very frustrated, disappointed and foolish. There may still be a chance for me to get a better air fare closer to the date I was planning to fly, but now my financial obligations are over shadowing that possibility.

This brings up all sorts of feelings of inadequacy and shame that have plagued me most of my life. The only thing that has kept me going all this time is my ability to adapt to difficult situations, but I've begun to question even that particular strength. It seems specious and apocryphal to suggest, partly because it sounds self-defeating, but I sometimes have wondered at points in my life if I haven't created as much of this personal turmoil because I enjoy the challenge and am comfortable living with anxiety. The fact of the matter is that this couldn't be further from the truth.

When I find myself unable to do things that make me happy, it is difficult for me to remain happy. I become detached from the situation because that is the only way I can keep those feelings of shame and failure at bay. It is a dangerous way to live because feelings have a way of piling up and then exploding into anger and hate when they reach a certain point. I really prefer to deal with my feelings as they appear, then they are not ganging up on me.

I don't have a real solution to my dilemma except to keep working at my soul sapping nine-to-five job and generally work to fit creativity into my private life. The hardest thing I find is to keep my mind from wandering back to frustrations in my life and I suppose this is more my mind believing there are reasonable solutions to most every obstacle. I don't mean to dwell on my unhappiness because I want to believe I am the source of that unhappiness as much as I am the creator of my happiness. At some point, I have to relax because it is a heavy burden to realize how much I am responsible for my own suffering. If I could just change my mind, I believe I could change my life.


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