I want Nathan back...err
Well, for awhile I have not written because I have been too weak to even move. I have mono. Man does it suck horribly. I have been sick for 4 weeks, my liver is enlarged and I cannot kiss my damn boy-friend for awhile. Er. I missed his birthday...i was going to buy him a cake and spend the night...but NO. BINKY HAS TO BE SICK DOESNT SHE?!

I have missed so much school, it's ridiculous. my dad doesn't want me around because im sick. that fucker. not like i want to be around him, or around his old hag of a slut. I should give them mono. maybe they might die. hmmm

to make my miserable life worse, nathan has left today to florida. I was going to spend most of my spring break with him, so i could take pictures for my scrap book that I am making for him. just tuesday, his mother announced they were planning for florida, and friday they are leaving. for a whole damn mother fucking week, my boy-friend is going to be GONE. i dont think i can bear that, because well, he;s all i talk to. nicole who seems to be some what of a best-friend, is too dumb and niave for my taste of a peron. She is just like everyone else from the gavit pit. A judgemental piece of SHIT. She doesn't know anything about real LIFE. I dont need idiots like her. Same goes for krissi, and allisson, and lenny who is damn well hung up on his whore of an ex. will he not GET it through his THICK head that she is screwed and is screwing him up as well? of course not, because she was his first love and first SEX!! errrrrrrrr! I am postively annoyed to death with such teenage drama. I mean cmon, krissi does not like some guy because he doesnt like potatoes?! who gives a flying FUCK?! my god, you dont like someone because of that absurd reason, then you must not have a brain what so ever.

that is why i like my friends carme and gerardo. they seem to look at a deeper level of life. they realize that trends and labels in teenage society is not what matters. i love that in a person. someone who is willing to talk about things they know and respect, and their morals in life. i love it. thats why i love nathan.

i am going to miss him too damn much. he just left today and i am already weeping underneath my skin. im trying not to show much saddness but it oozes through my mask. i cant go anywhere for spring break. i have to stay home and make sure my liver goes down. Oi, i hope it goes down fast. i cannot take this isolation for much longer.

today was fine. I made a comeback with myfriends. gerardos band was playing in his garage with some other distasteful bands. his band, moment of silence, is actually quite entertaining. as well of the others, not so entertaining. Possibly entertaing as in comedy, because when they perform, all I can do is laugh. maybe its just because im a bitter bitch. anyways, gerardo was not expecting me and when he saw me he hugged the hell out of me and asked why i have not been in school. we talked, bullshitted and Carme came. WE all had our laughs, spanked her ass infront of the video camera, and I called it a night. I came home around 10, didnt want to stay there till 1 like last time. came online and here i am. i talked to an old friend today, i havent seen him on for a long time. sometimes its just a relief to talk to someone you knew back. well i dont know him way back, but he is something of my memory of a life i loved and hated. i dont know. its like 50/50. im not sure about him anymore. i hate being jealous, and i am definatly jealous of a situation with him. ::sighs:: i guess i will never know. it is probably better that way.

all i know right now, is that i miss my nathan very much. i have not seen him for 3 weeks, and hes gone for another. this time i will not hear from him. that brings a lot of saddness to me. next saturday he gets to come over. since i missed out on his bday, im going to buy him a cake and give him his presents. im going to hug him so much! i miss him too much cause for the past couple of months, we were seeing eachother every weekend. then i got sick...and bam. no. errr. i hope this week goes fast, cause i am in no need for slow living.

im going to go. good night

no....no..no
Insanity...Insanity...Insanity...Insanity...Insanity...Insanity...Insanity...no......no...no...no...sorry, Oh god I'm so sorry....sorry...sorry...sorry...sorry...forgive me...pelase...if only...if only....god insanity...no...please...don't let go...hold me still....please...make it go away...make it all go away...make it all go away...make it all go away...make it all go away...make it all go away...make it all go away...STOP! YOU'RE HURTING ME!!!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!! What are you doing!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no...



please...stop...

Tears are so common...
I can't believe someone would be so ignorant to ruin the relationship between mother and son. Not even that, brother and sister?! How can someone just be so selfish and not even care what they just did? How could Abel be so diluted?

My mother and I are no longer part of Lucy's life. (my niece and my moms grand-daughter) because of stupidity and greediness. Erin, my brothers soon to be wife, has always bitched about my mom and I not liking her. She is always telling tales about us being rude and giving attitude. The thing is she doesn't tell the whole story WHY we are mean to her. Well, we can't just not like her for reason at all? Things do not work that way. Erin is so rude and obnoxious. She's greedy and selfish. She is always unhappy and she's a snob. That is why my mother and I do not like her. For some reason no one else sees it but us! Well, except Jewette but eh. THe point is, how could we just be rude to her for no reason? She always cops and attitude with us so we give it back. After that she complains about our mistreatment towards her. Does she tell my brother what she did? Oh of course not! Little Erin never does anything wrong. Shit...Therefore my mother and I look like the bad guys. We are always the troublemakers. My brother doesn't do shit. He wants us to kiss Erins ass (which we won't fucking do) and act like the assholes. Sorry, won't do. He always choses her over us. I guess sex and domination is better than family...hmmmm

It started to get worse. Abel is so diluted. He is so pussy whopped, it's disturbing! It's as if he does not want to listen to anyone else but his fiance, the mother of his beautiful, graceful, angelic daughter. Oh no, he cannot ruin that! So he's on her side.

Recently my mother and him got in a huge fight. She told him she could not offord the bridal dress for his wedding, which I was going to stand up for but why should I now, and he got angry. Oh, typical Abel. Getting angry for such insignficant causes. He bitches and cries about the dress and my mother explains she has too many hospital bills from the summer and she has no time to waste it on a dress I will only wear once. He then suddenly brings up a time that my mother did not want to take a picture with Erin. Supposably that hurt Erin's feelings. Apparently, Erin did not tell Abel the whole story. My mother took a picture of Erin and her mother. After that was done Erin asked my mom "Oh, don't tell me you want to take a picture with me too?" Her tone of voice was so snobby it pissed my mother off. My mom told Abel about that day. He didn't like the fact she was downing Erin's attitude. Oh, you can never pick on Erin.

They got in a huge fight, my mother and him. He yelled and told her she was not invited to his wedding. She hung up and sobbed for the rest of the night. I was pissed off completely, for no one hurts my mother like that. I wondered if Erin even felt guilt for what Abel has said. Or is she laughing in her room?

The next day my "brother" calls to speak to mom. I told him she did not want to speak with him. He got all cocky and asked why. I told him, "Well she is not invited so why should she talk? She's really hurt." Then he gave me more attitude and said it was non of my buisness. He continued to bitch and say I was only a child and I don't know anything. That's w hen I went off. When people tell me I could never understand because I am child I lose it. Knowledge is not recognized by age. It just won't work like that. Being told I am too young to understand makes me feel stupid. Make me feel stupid and you will regret you ever said that.

I went off on him telling him it was entirlly ridiculous to fight over people who have their head up their asses. They are so caught up in themselves that they think this person don't like this person so then they precieve that attitude, but he didn't want to listen cause I am a child. I am a child. So childish. I tried to explain that if maybe mom and erin would just get over the whole "oh she doesn't like me" maybe Erin wouldn't have bitched about that night and just get over it. It was too dumb to let go of your own mother. He interrupts me repeatedly and tells me, in his own voice, his own words, "You knwo what, fuck you both. Fuck you and mom. you just lost your niece, and she just lost her grand-daughter." I began to cry and asked why he would chose Erin over his own family? He hung up.

Now I am so lost, so confused. Why would she do this? Why would Abel be so diluted and not see her devious acts? I hope she feels so guilty and he beats her just like dad beated me and mother. I hope she cries every night and wished that she never did what she had done. Abel will be so angry that he gave us up. He will be angry that Lucy doesn't know her real grand-mother, only some hag from hell. He will take it out on Erin. She will hate it. It's not fair that they disowned my mother and kept her away from Lucy, but let Kim, the bitch, baby sit her and act as if she is the grand-mother? What the fuck is that?

I'm so angry. So drained. All day I have cried of the thought losing my own neice. The most beautiful child I have ever bestowed my eyes on. Not only does losing her hurt me, but she will not know her grand-mother. It hurts me more to know my mother is hurt. She has been through so much, why this? She barly even gets to see her grand-daughter. She is never given the privledge to baby sit her! It is as if she is nothing to Lucy. Just because my mother is not rich is doesn't give, give ,give does not give Erin or any other mother fucker the right to disown her. Hell fucking NO.

I hate Erin. More than I have ever had before. My hate for her as grown so hostile. I can just picture her death. I can see myself in my old room, bitching her out, telling her how much of a horrible skanky person she is. She will give attitude and tell me it is not her fault. I will lose it. All consciousness, all morals, and all reality. I will slap her fucking sucked in face and punch her. I will jump on her and choke her, chanting "DIE BITCH! DIE!" Then I will slam her egg shaped head into the floor. Pounding, pouding, gushing, gushing....cry bitch....cry! She will try her best to get my hands off her neck, but oh no, I will NOT let go. I will then scratch her hideous face. Making her face more disturbing than it was before. I will pull a "28 days later" on her ass. Sink my thumbs right into her sockets. I want to hear her scream...scream for Abel...scream for her life! Scream for repentance. My anger will feed off her fear. feed off her screams. The animal instinct will kick in, as I tear her flesh with my teeth and watch her slutty blood gush out of her neck. I want to watch her die.

I believe...at the end of this year I am going to need some major therapy. Major...major...major...

Dick..
I don't get it and perhaps I never will. People are such dicks. You look at someone and you hope they will never turn on you and act as if they can just step all over you. Doesn't matter if it's a huge deal or not, it pissed me off. I don't know why it got to me and I care. I know I shouldn't but I do. I do. It was just a shocker because that's just like someone I knew. All of them. It really got me because...because. Fuck I don't even know. Maybe it is because I am overly sensetive. But eh, it's not important. It still hurt me. Not like he cares anyways. He's not going to lose any sleep because of me. He's just going to put his hat on and walk away. Walk away.

FUCK
Being a teenager sucks major ass. It's one of the worse times of anyones life! Everyone has to go through it, but sometimes I wish I can just fast-forward and skip the hormonal drama! I hate being in this huge...fucking...Days of Our Lives! I know life has it's ups and downs but fuck, curse me with something I can never get rid of is just torture!

Unfortunatly, I am fat. yes. It sucks major ass. I have been stuck in this fat suit since I was five years-old. FIVE! ::sigh:: I always wanted to be this skinny person who gets to wear the pretty clothes and actually show off a tummy. Well, it never worked out that way. Nooo noo no, puberty hit and I GOT FATTER. I can't stop bein fat. It won't end. It just breaks me down to the core wore I don't even want to be seen. I can't wake up one morning and feel good about my appreance or say "Today I will look good in my clothes." because basically, it will never happen. I tried so many times to work out and get tid of this shit but I can never find what I want. It ruins my self-esteem, ruins me of having fun, ruins how I react towards others, and ruins my health. This is very, very unhealthy. I just want to get rid of it. I just want to wake up and pick clothes that FIT. I want to be able to go swimming with my boy-friend and not be scared of what he might think. I have tried the water diet, I have tried pills, I have tried swimming for hours, I have tried eating little stuff, and it has all come down to nothing. I think I will always be this way, which is truly sad. I have never once been told I was pretty. I have always wallowed in self pity. That is probably my prolbem but exactly what else is there to do? I have did my time. Nothing is left but accept my fattness!

I haven't felt like this in a long time. When I turned 13 I let go all of that. I forgot I was fat. I was happy with my own body image and thought hey I'm fine. I have NOTHING to worry about. Then all of the sudden I am pushed in a world where body is everything! I am constantly surrounded by slim bodies and going to stores with pretty clothes that I cannot fit in. I am surrounded by fucking media shit that shows prettier is better and no one gives a fuck about feelings! So what else is there for me to do? Stick to trying to be something I can never be. I have no one here...there's no one I can talk to. If i even mention this to my mother she will only brush it off and tell me I am being foolish. Well I am sorry I am worried about my weight and want some kind of change but I can't do this on my own. I need help from someone. I need someone to do this with me. I just want to be fine and be on an appropriate weight because I am unhappy with my results. I'm unhappy of being a low person. I hate it.

Crap
I'm sick. I have been since.....DECEMBER!! AHHH!!! my tonsils all swollen and has white stuff on it and and and i gots a fever. but i gotta get better before formal and and err. 2morrow is my old schools winter formal and im spose to go with nathan and my friend krissi. i got my dress and everything but now im sick. damn it i need to get better over night cause i cant afford to spend the night at krissi all sicky sicky and be at a damn formal all sicky sicky and look all droopy and AHHH!! i havent had ANY sleep since 10:30 TUESDAY NIGHT! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Oi, haven't written in here lately!
yea, I have been pretty BUSY these past weeks. A lot of shit has happened. well lets see Christmas was a little awkward. I went to Nathans grandmothers house and I had to meet his whole family. =/ god I hate meeting other peoples family. I get so nervous and freaked out and I never know what to say or what to do. But I met them, and I wanted to leave so bad. I could feel my throat choking up and my head was spinning. i said hi to each of them and Nathan took me into their basement. He knew I wasn't feeling real good so we just stayed there playing Pool and Pinball. It was pretty fun. I got to open my gifts from him earlier. he got me those cool Bleeding Edge Goth dolls. I have Lilian and Raven. Raven is sooo fucking cool. I love that doll, Lilian is cool too but Raven is...me. She has boots like me, has purple hair, wears a beautiful corset and ooooh god. its awesome. Then he got me a wrist band from hot topic, its col its has red lace on it. like a corset! hahaha. then he got me this cute little heart locket that opens. oh it was so adorable, i was so shocked to see it. its silver. hehehehehheheheheehhehe. I then gave him his gifts and he liked them too. I absolutely love him to death. I have been with him for a long time now. jan 28 will be 9 months. ehehehehhehehehehehehehe. for xmas i got him Slipknot DisasterPieces DVD and eyebrow jewelry and a hella cool Neon Guitar Lamp. My mom got him a Slipknot Welcome DVD. I really liked Christmas EVe cause I spent it with him. we were mostly in the basement making out lol but i enjoyed being with him.

After that I just stood home in Chicago with my momma. She got me lots of gifts too. A dragon lamp that lights up with different colors, the cure cd, 2 ozzy cds, a korn live dvd, and 2 southpark dvds. ahahha south park is my god. fucking hilarious! so i stood home all week like i said earlier. i went to visit my cousins....which was hilarious. my cousin irene cracks me up. she kept calling her mom a lezbo. i got cool necklaces from my aunt lydia. my aunt maria gave me 50 bucks. lydia gave me uhhh.......25 bucks. i spent it all at borders. ehehe. okay this is getting boring. lol

Sunday December 28 I went to go see Mushroomhead. Gerardo never came with me so I HAD TO GO ALONE! ahhh oh well. So i didnt know Dope was opening up for Mushroomhead. It was thefirst time I ever heard dope and I instantly fell in love. the guitarist is what got me. he is soooo fucking fast on those strings...it was fucking crazy. the vocalist has a unique voice and i wanted to go buy their cd sooooo bad. then mushroomhead came on and they kicked ass too! they owned just like Dope. they sound so much better live and JMann is soooooooooooooooooooooo hot. God it was awesome. I was up front like before. Oohhh I didnt mention when the first band Burning Down cme out I got the guitarists pick and I got Dopes pick. ahahhaaa. My side started to hurt when i was upfront during mushroomhead so i left. As i was leaving I walked past this guy who looked really familir. Then i noticed...........it was the guitarist of DOPE! I gently patted his back (i touched him...) and told him he kicked ass. he said thank you and smiled like a little boy. i told him this was the first time i ever heard them and I think the bands really good. I also said that he kicked major ass on guitar and hes really fast. he said it took a lot of practice for him to be this good. he thanked me and said that really built up his confidence and glad i enjoyed the show. I talked to him. I touched him. I met him. Oh dear god. All i gotta do is Meet Jon Davis.

new years.......................most amazing FUCKING DAY EVER> i spent all night with my baby nathan. well 12:15 i had to go but I wanted to stay. It was just amazing. I wish I can actually say why but no. We watched this funny homevideos of me when i was real little. we were laughing our asses off. we didnt even make it to all the home videos because SOMEONES hormones went through the roof. lol. we then watched 28 days later. Freaky ass shit. that movie freaked me out royaly. then we watched Finding Nemo!!! ooooh that movies cute! Sharkbait BOOAHAHHA! lol "he touched the butt...." god that movie was soooo cute. we didnt even make it to that movie either. lol. i mean i listened to it..but...ya. fuck we didnt even make it to see 28 days later. well..wait we did...we just stopped it for awhile and took an hour break of fucking dy humping. LMAO. not really. but eh. it was great. finding nemo is soooo funnny. lol. ESCAPE`! lol lmao. ooooh god. then i had to go to lennys. my mom and i were spending the night there. i had to sleep with lenny...lol. the next day I went to nathans again, we walked around the park. got some action there too lol. no we didnt fuck. lol. ummm...went to lennys watched this blink 182 shit. god damn all 2 days i was there was nothing but blink 182. i couldnt get away from it. oi. friday i had nathan come over to lennys again lol ( what?! i needed to see him!) we didnt really get fiesty. lol just cuddly. it was good to be with him. and then...hmmmmmmmmmmmoh yea. i went to my dads for the weekend. ah. the only good part was opening my late xmas gifts. i got some pretty necklaces with the moon on it and shit. cool pajamas. SOOOO COMFTY> and then...what i have been waiting for, for SO long. A FUCKING PS2! finally! i got Grand THeft Auto 3 and Vice CIty. FUCKING FINALLY! now im trying to get the sailor moon super ss video game. oi vey. but friday to sunday i was sick as hell. im spose to be in school right now but im too sick and the snow is horrid! i aint walking in no fucking snow! im getting better though. ill probably go 2morrow. so ill go now.




I love Nathan. Is that bad????? im in a weird situation right now....i wish I could say but im gonna have to keep this in and deal with it. Damn him. he always gets in the way of things. hes hot but NO! oh well. ill get over it like i did before.

I write mostly on hotel paper...
knowing the thoughts i wrote will never leave this room...
I beat out of lines telling you "leave her"
so why lie im lonely surrounded by you...

Oops, singing Michelle Branch. Hehehehe. well this week has been pretty fucking busy. my grades are going a lil down so all week i have been trying to bring them up. I actually did my homework at HOME this week. LOL. So yea basically that's why i havent been online that much. Only friday i was online for a long time. right now im waiting to call gerardo. me him and carme are gonna go to hot topic today. HEHEHEHEHE i really need to find a christmas gift for my nathan! I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING!! ARRR! so yea im just gonna go.

I was embraced by God when I was at that arena...
I got there with Nathan and we bought some korn shirts and found our seats. The first band to play was AFI. They weren't so bad, I really didn't like them but eh it was okay. After AFI KoRn was suppose to come on but they didn't. I was getting impatient so then after AFI was Dashboard Cofessional. I was bored out of my fucking mind! I literally fell asleep on Nathans shoulder cause it was so fucking boring. I mean the band members just stood there...singing...and that was it. At least the members of AFI moved a lot. Shit. So then after Dashfucks got off it was 311. I never really listened to them before, like REALLY listen to them, although they were really good. I have to admit it they owned. A lot of peope stood up and we're moving to the music. Right when 311 came on, someone even lit a joint. I smelled it and was like ooooooooo. lol. BUT DAMN 311 kept blowing their amps off! The sound would come off when they would get really loud. It was cool though lol.

After 311 got off i waited at least 15 mins for korn to set up...and the lights came off and I jumped up from my seat. My patience was begining to shake and I was I playing with my necklaces. (I only do that when I am nervous or excited..) There I saw walk up was HEAD...all the way to the right of the stage like i thought. Next to him the greatest of all bassists was Feildy. Then to the left of the stage was Munky. his dreads were white and I think he had his makeup on. I really couldnt tell cause he was far from me. I only had a view of head and feildy. Then...David.....and then slowly after anticipation......JON DAVIS SET FOOT ONTO THE STAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I yelled his name and covered my eyes. I swear I was going to cry, I dont understand why lol I just felt like it. I had my eyes on Jon the whole time. I couldnt stop looking at him.I kept reminding myself that here I am, with KORN, same room with them , same state with them. We were on the same grounds together, not just jon but the whole bands. I was overwhelmed.

ANd The outfit jon was wearing....PRICELESS. He was wearing those scottish skirts with black/white striped tights and I think boots...and his shirt was plain black I think. but the tights were fuckin awesome and so was the skirt.
Once Korn got on they FUCKIN OWNED!!!!!!! EVERYONE STOOD UP FOR KORN AND THEY KICKED ASS!!!!!!!!!! Jon moved a lot and Munky was being..well Munky lol. The first song they played was RightNow, then Got the Life,Freak on a leash, then BLIND!! THE SONG BLIND! Holy shit I screamed when I heard the bass play to blind. They teased the crowd with the bagpipes (JON CAME OUT WITH THE FUCKING BAGPIPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAGPIPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) playing Shoots and LAdders but then changed it to Let's Do this now (its on their new cd) Then they played Falling Away from me but then right in the middle of falling away from me like at the end of the song I mean, they cut in with ONE which kicked ass! I mean fuck KORN OWNED THAT ARENA! Everyone was feeling it and god Jon Davis sings so fucking good..his voice was like angels whispering in my ear. The whole band sounded awesome, they sound exactly like they do on Cd, only better! Most bands dont even sound that good in concert (evanescence, linkin park...etc etc) but korn...they were the best in that fucking arena. First time seeing korn ever...was the best...and I was blessed with the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OOOOOOOOOGI
Nathan: Are there black people that live by you?
Me" Black people?! are you kidding?? HELLO I LIVE IN BEANERVILLE!


HAHAH thats funny! Hehe. well lets see this week was okay. my bday was awesome! all my friends were there and i got cool gifts, hehe. and lots of money. hehe. i hope this weekend will be good cause im going to my dads and he might bitch at me cause i have a computer now at my moms and have the internet. hes gonna be like UR TALKING TO THAT MIKE DUDE ARENT YOU!! and ill be like god damn NO dad. like im talking to him again. i dont want to get into a fight with him cause saturday me and nathan are gonna go see korn and its my first time seeing them. I need to see korn. IF I DONT ILL CRY!!!. anywho I just felt bored and wanted to add that. so see ya