Weeeeeek
And when your alone
it seems like nothing is real
everybody wants control
NOBODY KNOWS HOW I SHOULD FEEL!!



oops. I was listenin to HED P.E, anyways well this week has been okay I guess. No SCHOOL!! MWUAHAHHAHHA I love Chicago Public Schools, they always pick pointless days for no school. Well yea I know Thanksgiving break shit but still sometimes Chicago has day offs that INDIANA does NOT. MWUAHAHA. It's cool.
Lets see...I;m gonna talk about Tuesday and my new outfit. I wore this vinyl tank with straps on the front right...and I had this long skirt with buckles in front and wore my NEW KILLER boots. So I go to school and Gerardo was like "WOAH..whats with the hooker outift???" HE KEPT CALLING ME "Da-Hooka-Ninja" LMAO. He was cracking me up. SO then Me carme and gerardo are walking in the hall and I saw this one guy with long black hair and HES REALLY HOT. I tell Carme a nd gerardo so then they fucking grab me and pin me to the lockers and Made the guy come over!! ahahaha i started to scream and tell them to let me go. they didnt..fuckers..so the guy comes by and hes smiling and carme was like "yea bianca thinks your hot and" and he SMILEd and said IM FLATTERED. FLATTERED!! the hot guy WAS FLATTERED. and......yea...i thought it was funny. but yea HES HOT. its the long hair that got my juices flowing. LMAO. His name is Richard...and he loves korn like me!! but I got my nathan...and today is our 7 month anniversary so..I dont want to ruin that. Im gonna go for a year and then dump him. Lol no im kidding. Well it seems like its going good anyways, yea I get crabby and get all bitchy but hey I told him not to pay attention when im like that. so its all good.

NOW THANKSGIVING...which was...very...LIQUORY...hehe

Thanksgiving my mom and I went to Carmens house, one of her friends, so we get there and we are all talking and Frank and Carmen were complimenting my make up and clothes...they said I looked LADY LIKE. freaks...anyways all of the sudden my mom pulls out the WINE....and i started to drool. so my mom gave me a glass and it was soooooooooooooooooo goooooood. after that..i could not stop drinking. we had 3 bottles and they were finsihed at the end of the night. but the last bottle was FUCKING HUGE. it was really WIDE and it was fucking finished. me carmen and frank were drinking like crazy. all night it was wine wine wine wine, playing dominoes and talking and laughing and it was fucking hilarious. carmen was cracking me up about how she use to dirnk when she was my age and hide 25 bottles under her bed and had a stash of weed under the floor of her room. ahahahha man we could not stop drinking. glass after glass after glass....then i couldnt drink anymore..i had to stop cause i was starting to feel really tired. i came home and it felt like...the room was spinning or either my head. so i layed down and called nathan and i couldnt talk lol man i was plowed. i got online...couldnt read the fucking keyboard so i just took my make up off and went to sleep. lol...
um today i went to go get my hair cut cause it needed a trim. and right now i just finished cleaning the bathroom for 2morrows party which is my BIRTHDAY. MWUAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA. everyoen from indiana is gonna come and visit MOI for MOIS bday. Nathan and Lenny, krissi nikki alicia gerardo loupe and carme are all spendin the night. hhehehehehehehheh. its gonna be great. so yea im just cleaning the house for 2morrow. ehehehe. well im gonna get going now. byebyes.

::listens to attitude::
DO WHAT YOU FEEL!!!
oops....ahahhhahaa singing again. ahahha. ok ill leave now....

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
I'm trying to get by
with never knowing at all
what is the chance
of find you out there?
or do I have to wait forever?

I feel in a weird ass mood right now. Things coming back in places I tried so hard to get rid of. I think I will never get rid of this feeling for a long time. It's not a depressing feeling, believe me it's not. It's a want. A god damn desire. A need. I don't know why. I don't want it, but then again I want as much as I want my life. I just want to be taken away, into a world I never knew of. I hate thinking about it. I hate remembering words that were once said, dreams I once had about it. Everything. But its just a feeling right? I know it will go again. And I will stop loving him again.

Ball Tongue..always the best
There you are alone
With no hope of ever having something to be proud of
Something earned without begging
Yes, I know you're a person, a person close to me
Who do you think you are? What more do you want from me?!
Ball tongue!
You got the dykes off, I think they'll mind me
Ball tongue!
The rag I'm on, we are justified
Ball tongue!
Congrats you just fucked up my make-up and shit
Ball tongue!
What have you done for me?!
Why are you at home buried in your own self pity?
Why do you insist on living the life clean out of me?
Yes, I know you're the person, the person that took time with me
Does it give you the right to expect your life revolves around me?!

The Wretched
just a reflection
just a glimpse
just a little reminder
of all the what abouts
and the might have
could have beens
another day
some other way
but not another reason to continue
and now you're one of us
the wretched
the hopes and prays
the better days
the far aways
forget it
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it, did it?
now you know
this is what it feels like
now you know
this is what it feels like
the clouds will part and the sky cracks open
and god himself will reach his fucking arm
through
just to push you down
just to hold you down
stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss
and it's hard to believe it could come down to this
back at the beginning
sinking
spinning
and in the end
we still pretend
the time we spend
not knowing when
you're finally free
and you could be

You don't remember me..
But I remember you.
I lie awake and try so hard,
Not to think of you.
But who can decide,
What they dream ?
And dream I do...
I believe in you.
I'll give up everything just to find you.
I have to be with you, to live, to breathe,
You're taking over me.
Have you forgotten all I know,
And all we had ?
You saw me mourning my love for you,
And touched my hand.
I knew you loved me then. -Evanescence
^
^
Reminds me of something...

Eyebrow pierced..and going purple!
Yes. I felt like writing that. My birthday is coming up so my mom is gonna let me get my eyebrow pierced. Also I want to die my hair purple...not like i did last time this time im gonna bleach it and its gonne BRIGHT PURPLE! WOOT WOOT! Anywhoooo, this weekend has been okay. I didnt do anything but sleepand relax and write a lot. yea..well..next weekend is my dads weekend..eww..I dont want to go. he annoys me. hopefully gerardos band is gonna play this weekend so then i have a reason to skip the weekend. Anyways, I have been a great mood this weekend. I know why and its just...great. I dont know how to explain it very well but im just so overwhelmed and happy and...god I dont know. instead of lookin at all the hurtful memories im lookin at the good times and laughing. and then friday which suprised me as hell just made it all so much better! I thought it would never happen but it did and fuck I dont know. Im just glad about it. Also, nathan and i are gonna go see korn! OOH YEA! at the allstate arena..wooot woot his mom used to be a bitch about it cause she has a concert to go too and all thisjazz and told us no. all of the sudden she suprised us both by buying the tickets and taking us there! I'm so grateful for that and ooo i cannot fucking wait. fuck its korn..my all time favorite band ever no matter what. oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo i have already been to 2 concerts, there was taproot, which was fucking awesome and I was all the way up front!, then slayer, me and gerardo were up front too..ahahhaa its cool. but our seats kinda suck for korn. we are the second floor, 203 but oh well at least we are going! eeehehehehhe but yea today was a lazy ass day. didnt do anything. slept. dreamnt. and i love it.

Oi vey
The past week has been oklydokly, even the weekend. Friday we didn't have school in Chicago so I decided to go visit Gavit. SO my dad takes me to hammond (felt soooo good to be there) and I snuck in gavit from the back. I came in the lunch hour krissi and nathan had and i walk in right and all i heard was "BINX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" tim was there, alicia, rex,dean,kalbu, megan and all my buds. it was great. they all hugged me and alicia was like "I LOVE YA MAN!" it was cool. so i hung out there and tried to get into frau wilsons class. but nooo stupid biatch through me out. err so all i did was wander around gavit..roaming the halls i once terroized with constant turmoil. Then mr Ely found me =/ damn him! He kicked me out..lol. so then i walked around...didnt want to go back to my old house..cause i might have ended up in the park and i really didnt feel good about going there. so instead i went over to shawns, he got suspended so i told myslef what the hell. so i hung out with him for the day. went back to gavit and waited for nathan and krissi. we then went to her house ans then to nathans, bull shitted and all that jazz. my gay bro then picked me up..went back to his house...i stood with my beautiful lucy and then left to chesterton. yea..i had to visit my dad. eek. so like usual i isolated myself in my pretty room. hmmmanyways lets cut it to the chase...saturday comes i go to hammond again and go to a wrestling meet with laureen krissi and nathan. and i saw tim in spandex......ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww it was gross cause he was all jumping up and down. so then me and krissi went to go pick up lenny and we met up at some show with alicia alivia and allisson. so we were all hanging out and the bands sucked ass. it was horrible! i paid 5 bucks for that shit and when gerardos band played it was free and it didnt suck. eh so then i spent the night at krissis and that was it. mwuahahha. heheheheh. anyways here comes monday and same as usual, hung out with carme april and gerardo and tuesday comes...NO SCHOOL! ahahahha went to the alley with gerardo and april and hung out at his house till...3 and i finally came home and i had to get to school the next day. ahh..hmmm wensday same...and then thrusday i slept all day..no school. we had report pick up shit. chicagos weird..anyways so yea i got 2 As, 2 Bs,2 Cs and one d. thats pretty damn good.i use to get cs and ds in gavit. hehe. im pretty damn proud. and now my english teacher wants me to write for the newspaper in downtown. hehehee. so anyways today comes and well nothing really...i feel like stayin at home watchin movies and relaxin. something weird happened today too..and im not gonna say anything either but it was pretty cool and im happy about it. it feels great to start all over again. life in chicago is awesome, its better than hammond than anything. but i still miss being with nikki and doing stupid stunts. especially hanging out at Bp and all those great memories. life was cool then too but ehhhhhhhhh this is better. i cant wait till mybday woot woot. hehehehehe november 29th! anyways i think i am boring you with all this bullshit but who fucking cares! so im gonna get going and jam to this song

MITCH!!
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!!!

Childofthekorn07: **kisses**

I GOT A KISS FROM MITCH! I GOT A KISS FROM MITCH! I GOT A KISS FROM MITCH! I GOT A KISS FROM MITCH! I GOT A KISS FROM MITCH! I GOT A KISS FROM MITCH!
you dont get it mitch is really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really Hot. lol...im bored so..yea. but no im serious Mitch is hot. LOL.......ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. anyways. so.....whats up?

I remembered some funny shit
Gerardo whispers to bianca: Your boobs are showing
Me: WHAT?! THEY ARE!
April: Gerardo, her boobs are showing EVERYDAY.

Gerardo: Carme...your new name is Carme Sutra
Carme: WHat is that??
Binx: OH MY BOB! You dont know what the Kama Sutra is??
Gerardo: hahahahhahahahha

Gerardo reads Aprils book saying its porn: "Then after a hard night of sweaty fuckin, we both exploded with liquid love"
April: You should be a poet...
Gerardo: Yes, I know.

Bianca: Oh Lord, Why Jesus?? WHY GEORGE???
Alicia: Where did George come from?

Binx: You like big gay mans ass
Gerardo: YOUR MOM!!!!

Me: What are you doing for my birthday?
Gerardo: Your mom, hehhhhhhhhhhh!

Nikki: Bianca Did you just say Nathan is just like Gene???
Nathan: WHAT?! I'm not disabled!!

Binx: Yea, nathan, Nikki thinks Jakes hot.
Nikki: BIANCA!! SHUT UP!!!
Binx: YEa she also thinks Jerrys hot. You know who else she think is hot....NATHAN!!!
Nathan: WHAT?! I'm not gay!
Bianca: HAHAHHAHAHA
NIkki::......

::Gerardo lays down on the kitchen bench and bianca throws a cheeto at his eye.:: AHHH!! GOD! AHHH!!! ::Gerardo falls to the floor::

Mitch: I'm pregnant..
Me: SHIT! I thought I put a condom on!
Mitch: "Damn it Binky! Thats it, I am never letting you borrow my penis again! ::unscrews penis and screws it on me:: "
Me: WHAT?! NO, MY PENIS!! ::unscrews it and screws it on me and runs off:: MINE MINE MINE!!
Mitch: but.....

i hate this shit
Okay im really tired of this and god damn him! Gene IMs me okay, so im like ok ...what u want to talk about? and he starts going all nuts and talking crazy like hes gonna jump off the bridge and hes all like have a good life. im thinkin wtf is his problem. and i wanted to tell him off so bad but i didnt want to make him upset but then he blocked me. BLOCKED ME! WTF DID I DO??? I started to cry so bad. What the hell. God the last time i was blocked was fgrom mike and I understand that but GENE??? MY GENE???? I dont get it. Why am i getting hurt again? When all i ever did was try so hard to be there for him and hes gotta be so cold hearted? after the things I did. OOOOH GOD! those....ooooooo god what have i done? Why is he hating me now??? I SHOULD HATE HIM, but I CANT find that place in my heart. he always makes things complicated for me. hes just like my dad. just like him god damn him i cant handle this shit. how could he have blocked ME? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO???!!!!!! HES SUCH AN ASSHOLE! GOD DAMN IT! COLD HEARTED BASTARD! THATS IT! IM NTO TALKIN TO HIM! ANYMORE! IF HE EVER UNBLOCKS ME AND TRIES TO TALK ILL BLOCK HIS ASS CAUSE HES NOT WORTH IT! FUCKING ASShole....all he ever does is hurt me and make me feel bad all the time. hes got some fucking issues he needs to get rid of and hes such a pathetic WORHTLESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT GENE! WORTHLESS! Never talk to me again....

Childofthekorn07: if he is going to be so childish, he is not worth your time..you dizerve better

mitch is always right. hes so understanding and cool. at least someones nice in this world.