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Name: Tony Randall
Age: 1 Bagillion Occupation: Actor, Depends spokesperson, all around dude Hobbies:dancing naked next to his toaster, returning caveman porn to blockbuster, stealing the New York Times from other "Tonys," picking up Oscar's cigar with his umbrella, and listening to smooth jazz on the FM radio Famous Friends: Gary Coleman, Gary Busey, Gary Sinise, and that Dharma chick Favorite Position: Wheelbarrow Why Worship Tony?: "because I will crap on your winshield if you don't" |
Some people ask me why I made this page. Some people play with their junk all day while doing the junior jumbles in the Daily News. That's why I don't always listen to some people.
Back when Tony was just a T, his father would beat him with PVC pipe he bought at Home Depot. Tony didn't like this, so he lived at Hooters. By age 13, he was being raised by chicks with giant funbags. He ate chicken wings all day and drove around in a Model A with a spoiler and 20 inch rims.
Tony made his money by prostituting the fish at a local pet shop. That ultimately landed Tony in jail. In the slammer, after being violated in the exit hole several times by fellow inmates and prison guards, Tony decided to be nice and get parole. He developed a love for Captain Crunch.
 here's Tony's first bitch, drunk like a Kennedy at their wedding, playing the crunchelele |
Tony and Capn' had a rocky marriage. "I liked how me and the Cap'n made it happen every night in our bed. It was driving the friggin ship to work everyday that pissed me off. That and his hat. He looked like a white rapper from the early nineties!" exclaims Tony in an interview he had with a pog. Weeks later, Tony started doing some chick from a high school he taught acting at. Now he creeps to her all the time, not to mention buys all her girl scout cookies. I hear her troop got a new hum vee because of Tony's richness. Despite murdering the elusive third roommate from "The Odd Couple" and getting away with it, Tony is optimistic about the future. "I just hope I don't have to work on a sidewalk outside Times Square and tell that bitch ass punk Carson Daly that N'Sync is coming in the studio." |
Tony now spends his days building igloos for his mail order children to live in. He placed several bids for harpoons on ebay. Hopefully, Tony will raise some fine little escimo children.
"I tried dressing them up in little bunny hoods, but they didn't like that. The bunny hoods and the fact that I made them live in bunny holes I dug in the back yard pissed them off. I lost one of my kids that way. The ten year old girl next door that I stalk went down the hole after her. She came back a week later and took up smoking with the neighborhood caterpillar."
Tony, we all salute you. Just don't salute us while your hands are tied behind your back (lame attempt at an erection joke).
Links to other celebrities...
JD Roth
Tony Randall
Natalie from Sports Night
Fred The Baker
Princess Stevenson
Christopher Walken
Rick Moranis
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