You know how old people always say "when I was a kid..." and you think to yourself "that old dude was never a kid." It's true. Old people were never young. They pop out of the womb around their middle ages.
Fred was born in his mid '40s, weighing close to 180 pounds. His mom went insane, constantly shouting "ah, my fucking uterus." Fred already had his diploma, a couple nasty liverspots, and enough walking in the snow stories to last him a lifetime. Of course, this isn't enough for an old dude. He wanted more.
Fred was too old to take over the world and too young to take over the Golden Girls. He wanted to do something with his life. Unfortunately, the only thing he could think of doing is sticking his meat between rolls. Fred's guilty pleasures led him to the greatest idea of all...the moist towellette. This was already invented, so he decided to make bread in the shape of his freshly fornicated breakfast food.
When your hands are more wrinkled than the dough you're kneading, you know business won't work. I'd rather watch old people slap skins than watch wrinkeld Fred play with dough.
"Yummy yummy yummy I'll get Fred in my tummy..."
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Fred, being the business man that he is, hired a bunch of mail order Swedish chicks to make his donuts. He opened up a shop called "those nuts." The food and the shop were named after the problem he had with getting the rest of his junk in the donut hole. His delicacy soon morphed into the word donut. Why? Because I make up the story. Soon, Fred made a bunch of friends in high places. Everyone loved titties and donuts.
One day, weather dude Al Roker, hungry as a vietnam war veteran, went to Fred's shop. Al loved the idea and he and Fred went on tour with these donuts. They traveled to all the major cities and Canada. Soon, Fred became the most popular man in America. Even more popular than Jesus.
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Then, Fred died. It was Al's fault. "I didn't mean to eat him. We were sleeping together and I was dreaming of food. When I woke up, I had Fred fingers between my teeth."
Desperate to cover up this shit, Al pooped and molded a new Fred from his feces. He had this Fred retire. Nobody seemed to notice.
Al treated this new Fred like a child. It became a real human being after its fairy godtird waved its magic backsplashies on Fred. Now, Fred no.2 (heh, number 2) sits at home all day and beats off to reruns of Battlestar Galactica on the scifi channel. Excuse me, I burped.
Links to other celebrities...
JD Roth
Tony Randall
Natalie from Sports Night
Fred The Baker
Princess Stevenson
Christopher Walken
Rick Moranis
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