Potato Doctrine

• 1/26/01: A proposition received via email:
  If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
  If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
  If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
  If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
  If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
  If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
  Then the right way to spell POTATO should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU
• 12/19/00: Though we here at The Potato God Worship Center believe that George W. Bush actually won Florida, we don't have to like it. As a form of protest, we shall henceforth enunciate his middle initial clearly - "Double-U," not "Dubya."
• 11/30/00: Let it be noted that in Spanish, "The Potato Pope" translates to "El Papa de la Papa."
• 11/26/00: OK, back to American-style dates, which are freaky and weird and illogical. Learn about The Potato's greatest shrine in the Southern Hemisphere: the Big Potato in Robertson, NSW, Australia.
• 28/8/00: You may have noticed that the date of this update is in day-month-year format. This is because the Pope's brain is still in Australia. Careful research into the Holy Quipu has revealed this important message from The Potato: "And whomsoever shall proclaim the merits of mayonnaise to be greater than those of oil and vinegar as a sandwich condiment shall not have the nice cars and the clean forks, but shall be cast into the fiery pit of Hades, where demons will spend eternity tapping them on the opposite shoulder to fake them out."
• 6/14/00: See another movie: It Happened In Maine.
• 6/1/00: See a Shockwave Flash rendition of the Potato Creation Story!
• 2/15/00: Contrary to poular belief, while the Potato religion is not strictly monotheistic, there is no "Potato Pantheon." We here at The Potato God Worship Center recognize two deities: The Potato and Ishnarth, the God Of Crappy Snow With Ice And Dirt In It. Ishnarth is clearly the lesser god, as He does not even have a cool Quechua name. But He is powerful. Have you ever seen a decent snowfall that has not succumbed to His awesome power of making it look gross and dirty? We thought not.
• 1/17/00: Work on The Holy Quipus has begun!
• 1/4/00: Did you ever ask yourself, "where does wicker come from?" Well, so did we here at The Potato God Worship Center. The official spiel that we got from the wicker companies was that it comes from the great wicker mines of Sumatra. But of course that's silly. The truth is that wicker is summoned. With arcane rituals and black magics, cabals of blasphemers are able to contact creatures of evil, and cause them to manifest themselves as "harmless" white furniture. That's why you hear those voices whenever you sit on wicker. That's right, you're not crazy - we all hear them, too. That's the wicker, talking to you, whispering its evil plans into your unsuspecting mind. So what does the wicker want? It's simple - the wicker wants a stuffed sloth and an extension cord. HEY! Don't question the wicker.
• 12/30/99: Many people are afraid that the End of the World will come at the stroke of midnight on January 1, 2000. The Potato God Worship Center would like to reassure all of those people. The year 2000 is not upon us. Starting January 1, it will be 1999 again. Then, around early April (exact date to be negotiated later), we will pick up with October 1988. At the end of that year, we will have alternating weeks of 12 B.C. and 1066 A.D. for an undisclosed period of time, probably around 4 years. Then, when we are lest expecting it, BOOM! It will be Y2K. And four years after that, chaos, chaos, chaos!
  
• 10/15/99: We have learned that, contrary to what some religious types might have you believe, Halloween is NO LONGER a Satanic holiday. The Potato acquired Halloween from Satan some years ago in exchange for Bosnian Independence Day, National Poultry Month, and a holiday to be named later. So corn away!
  
• 10/14/99: A clarification: Eating potatoes is NOT blasphemous. The Potato is a transcendental being who put them on earth to share with us His starchy goodness.
  

All material © 1999-2001 by Eemeet Meeker Online Enterprises, except the stuff we stole from other people as indicated in the credits.