A month early
Just like Spring arrived a full month early this year (the Plum trees were in full bloom mid-february, instead of mid-march like they usually are) I believe Summer has arrived a month early also. I don't suppose it's too much to hope that it will leave a month early as well?? My eyes are itching and my nose is stuffy, and I have the sneezes... the allergies are attacking full force first thing this morning. Looks like it's going to be a hot day today. Again. I'm really wondering about Alaska... is it any cooler there?

The long 3 day weekend was refreshing. I'm ready to get back to work again today. I need to either continue working on my website or on some 3D models. I think I'll start with the models and when my eyes start to boggle from looking at all the little dots & triangles, I'll switch to web designing instead. I know I have about 1000 models to make for this game and even if I could make 1 model a day (which I can't) it would take me 2 years to finish. So at this rate we're looking at about 10 years just for the creation of the models if I have to do all of them by myself. Really wish I was better at recruiting help. People seem to think I'm completely insane for trying to create a MMO with no funding and no budget. Yet every time I'm about to give up, someone says something (in the context of something else, or often just in general sweeping statements) like "God wants you to finish what you've started". So I get the idea that I'm supposed to keep on working on this game, even if the game fails as a business, I'm supposed to make it anyway. Just as I homeschool our children with the conviction that it is what I am SUPPOSED to be doing, if I go against God's will and quit (either the game or the homeschooling) it will be far worse for everyone involved. So I will keep on keepig on, until there is absolutely nothing else I'm able to do on my own, or some project-stopping obstacle drops in my path to prevent further progress.

Several days ago I wrote to the ambitous woman, Andrea Webster, who is attempting to build the Christian theme park in Brittain solely on donations, at the email address she lists on her website Ark Alive but I have not heard back from her yet. There is no indication on her website that she has received any donations for the project whatsoever. Meanwhile there is a great deal of indication from other people's blogs and websites that she is under a tremendous burden of scrutiny and ridicule. Some of the comentaries are naieve to the fact that there ARE already Christian theme parks in other places around the world (not just in the cartoon world of the Simpsons) including one in Florida Holy Land Experience. So I realise that much of what people post on the internet are just people who like to criticise and ridicule other people because they have nothing better to do with their own time. But that would be a terribly hard burden to live under, and I realise I am facing the same judgemental critics in my own project. I hope that she has, and that when the time comes I also will have, a strong support group to help keep focused on the end goal that got the project started, and not to be crushed by the voices of doubt and criticism that would wish to end the project before it is finished. She needs a total of $144 million Brittish pounds to complete her project. I need about $6+ million American dollars to complete mine. She is currently asking for an immediate donation of $2.6(?) million to purchase the land where she wants to build her park. I need about $2 million also just to be able to hire a small team for 1 year. Something that struck me as shockingly ironic in both of our requests for donations is that we both were asking for donations in increments of 12. She is asking for 1 million people to send a faith-promise of $12 a month for one year. I am asking half a million people to give a one time donation of $12. I did not realise she was asking for the $12 a month (all I had heard was $144 per person) until long after I had come up with the $12 figure for my own project. Is there some significance to this similarity? I don't know. But it is interesting, at any rate. =) Of course the major differences between her project and mine is that she is building a physical amusement park that people enter through a front gate and can see and touch and experience; while I am building the intellectual property of a software program where people enter the experience through the virtual world of the computer screen. She has to buy a property, materials, hire contractors, park attendants, and other personnell. I just need to buy a property and hire programmers and a game developer team. But I'm fairly certain that in both situations it is the salaries for the hired help that incur the greatest cost in the equasion. And it is the help of other people that both of us need so desparately to be able to accomplish our goals. We're willing to pay for the help, but we need help on the funding to be able to do that. Or at least that is how it is for me, as I said I have not heard back from Andrea Webster yet so I can not speak on her behalf. I am speaking only from observation and process of elimination based on the research I've done reading her and other websites, in comparison with the market research and other information I have gathered in the process of working on my own project.

So what have I actually accomplished in the creation of VISIONS to date? Well, I've registered my company name, I've researched the potential market for a Christian computer game (which sounds promising to me!), I've drawn several 3D models, I've decided on the game engine that we will build the game on, I've located a source for DEM's of the Holy Land (although I don't have the funding to purchase them) which we will modify for use in the game, I've begun work on the website for the game (which currently is a component of my personal website, but when we reach a point of sufficient funding will be moved to it's own web domain), I've begun researching potential marketing and distribution options though I don't anticipate making any final decisions on that matter until we have an actual Demo of the game ready for the public, I've written the first quest (or one of them) that players will experience when they enter the game world, and I have been seeking people to help me write more quests and to work on the game programming itself. My oldest son wants to help with the programming, so he is currently teaching himself Visual C++ in addition to his regular school lessons. And my middle son said he wants to help with the research, so he has begun learning more about operating the search engines of the web browser. He said he also wants to learn how to draw the models, so I may be giving lessons in how to use MilkShape soon. All in due time.

And now, back to your originally scneduled program. My daughter wants her breakfast so it's time for me to sign out now.

God bless you and may HE grant you peace.
-Sparkling

China Wish List
I found a recently posted wishlist of things my friend & her family in China would like to have. As she says on the page, this is a WANT list, not a need list. But as I know so well, sometimes going without the things we want can really effect how we view life in general. If you feel compelled to send a care package to China, here is their list of suggestions. Their children are 7 and 9, but advanced readers, so age-appropriate novel length stories are welcome also.

Anna and Niels

Toys: Legos (esp. Knights Kingdom )

Candy: Jelly Belly gourmet jelly beans in a variety of flavors, Nerds, Red licorice, Fun dip, Tootsie rolls (any flavor), Laffy Taffy

Book: Red Wall (#4 or later), Hank the Cowdog (#5 or later), Jim Kjelgaard books

Kim

Spices: Fajitas and chile, Cinammon, Oregano or spaghetti seasoning,

Treats: Cocoa powder, Concentrated maple flavoring, Cake mixes w/frosting, Pudding mix

Music CD's (big band, 50's, bluegrass)

Software: "Learn to type", Numbermaze Challenge

Used stamps (crafting stamps, not postage stamps)

Joe

Comfort stuff: Coffee filters, earplugs

Books: A Field Guide to the Birds of China (pub 2004)

Geek stuff: A good digital voice recorder (eg Olympus DM-10) with PC interface, a USB memory stick, a USB to serial converter (for my GPS), Adobe CS for XP (thats probably pushing it, better stop here)


Send it to this address:

God bless you all!
-Sparkling

Cooling off again, YAY!
The clouds have graced us with their shade and promise of rain once again. The temperature is cooler, much more comfortable, and the allergy attacks have lessened. Not gone, but more bearable. I hope we don't end up having a really hot summer like the last few days have been, but I'm afraid it was just a harbinger of things to come. So I'm going to try and enjoy these cool weather days while I can.

I've been meaning to post here about the work my friend Kim and her husband Joe are doing in China. I added a link to their web page under the "Places to go" section of my links here. http://www.labtoes.com/ They have moved from their family home in Idaho to work as English teachers in China. They are working with a team through a program with Food for the Hungry. And if you read through their newsletters, you will see that there are many opportunities for people who may wish to join them in China in nearby villages to teach English to the people there. You do not need to know how to speak Chinese to be able to help teach English, because most of the students have some experience with English from their classes in school. The Chinese people are very interested in learning to improve their accent and word useage from native speakers of English. It looks like a very exciting cultural experience, and possibly a life-changing mission opportunity. I encourage all of you to read through their letters, and look at the amazing landscapes of the rural part of China where my old high school friend friend lives now.

And the most recent news, just discovered this very afternoon, is that we have a Raccoon mommy living under our porch with her 1 little baby. Ron heard scratching noises under the porch, so he pulled up one of the boards and I brought the camera out, and he got video of the Momma and her baby. Momma was growling at the camera, and baby (eyes not even open yet) was chattering. Very cute! We can't move to the forest, so God brought part of the forest to us! I think it's very cool.

And hopefully before the end of the day we will have news of my brothers newest edition to his family. My Sister-in-law went into labor this morning, so there should be a new baby soon! This seems like an exciting day today! Started with a hot air balloon flying over our back yard, my friends sitting next to me in church, plenty of food on the table, in cupbords and in the freezer, a raccoon family under our porch, and soon I will have a new baby nephew! :)

Peace and blessings to you all. May the Light shine upon you.
-Sparkling

Hot under the collar
...and not just because of the temperature, which is FAR too warm for 7 am. I'm irritated at the government and the futility of trying to get out from under the pressure of debt.

See, we are still struggling with some bills that piled up (like medical bills from having to deal with thieving insurance comapanies that cheapskate "Temp agencies" use that don't actually PAY anything when you have to go to the Dr.) back 1-2 years ago before my husband got his current job. It's very difficult to recover from 2 years of insufficient income. We are almost there now, finally, after nearly a year of Hubby having a decent income at a decent job, but we still have a few to deal with. So my husband has been working overtime, and the past 2-3 weeks he's worked a lot of overtime, about 20 hours on this paycheck. The government took ALL of it!!! Apparently he made enough money that it bumped him into the next tax bracket for this pay period, and they took all our extra money. So it's just as if he didn't work any extra time at all. I'm so sick of everyone taking our money, in exhorbitant fees, interest, and taxes!! Yes, yes, I know that no one ever promised life would be fair. But this is infuriating! We can't even get ahead by putting in more hours. We just can't win for losing.

I wish we could buy a private island somewhere and take whatever close friends and family with us that want to come and just go start our own country somewhere, all by ourselves. I just want to live peacefully with my own family and loved ones, get fair compensation for a fair day's work, live off the land, and be able to enjoy our time together. I know, it's completely unreaslistic. I know it will never happen. I'm just so sick of all the mess of the political world. Why can't we all just be friends? Why does everyone have to be so mean and greedy and hateful all the time?

I had a poster once that said "If you swallow a live frog in the morning, nothing worse can happen the rest of the day". I do understand that worse things can happen, involving the health and lives of my family and friends. But with a start like this, chances are I suppose that there is great room for improvement, so perhaps the rest of the day will get better.

"All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose"... I'll be looking for it, Lord. I know YOU can make something good out of this, but I sure can't.

Peace be with you all.
-Sparkling

It is WAY TOO HOT!
UGH! Who put in the request for the sweltering heat in May? I was rather enjoying our unpredictable Northwest weather. I hate this 95 degrees all day long stuff. Yuck! It's not supposed to be summer yet.

My allergies are attacking me full force. My eyes itch and burn, my ears itch, my throat itches, I'm sneezing my head off, and my face is all puffy and irritated. I hate this. I swear heat specifically is an allergy trigger, beyond just the pollens. I was only moderately reactive while in the church gym, surviveable. But in the 2 miles driving from the church to our house I sneezed 8 times, and kept running off the side of the road because my eyes watered up and swelled so much I was having trouble seeing to drive. Thank the Lord we got home without an accident. I really really hate this!

I need to move to Alaska. Snow drifts, log cabin, moose steaks and sourdough bread sound pretty good right about now. Especially if it comes without the allergies!

A North Wind
My life has been a flurry of activity lately. So busy that I've had no time to post, even though I've contemplated several random ponderings I wanted to share with you all. Some were probably not particularly important and so it does not matter that I didn't take the time to post. One thing that kept my busy yesterday (always takes longer than I think it should) was updating my website, again. I got the Sneak Peek page constructed, and then had to go back and update all the other pages to include the new link. And in so doing I broke one of the chicken pages, and 2 of them need to be updated some more anyway. So there is still more work to be done. But I'm making slow progress on the website. It's starting to look a little more professional now I think, rather than a hodge podge. I still don't know how to make all the fancy bells and whistles, but at least the content is (I hope) easier to navigate and better organized.

One thing that I did particularly want to share, and have been wanting to post this since it first came to mind on Sunday, was a contemplation of Communion. For those not as familiar with my church history, I will give a brief background. My parents and Grandparents were raised in the Church of Christ. My parents took me to church since I was a baby. I have been a Christian since I was 4 years old. I was baptised when I was 12. We attended several protestant denominations when I was growing up, including Assembly of God, Nazarene, and a non-denominational Bible Church. In high school we lived in a much smaller town and there were fewer church choices, but we attended the Assembly of God there and I had some great Sunday School teachers and Youth leaders who helped me through those trying years. In college I attended a Catholic church, a Baptist church, a Nazarene church, and several non-denominational churches. I enjoyed the Catholic mass the most, but I was told it was a non-traditional Catholic church, whatever that means. Then I got married, to an Athiest (that didn't sound exactly right - not because he was an athiest, I married him because I love him and he loves me and I believe we were meant for each other) and discovered that church congregations respond differently to people who are "unequally yolked" than to those who "meet their expectations". A topic which I will not go into at this time. After bouncing from one church to another for a time, I gave up for a while. I was not attending a regular church when our first son was born, so we asked the pastor who had married us to Dedicate him to the Lord. Then when my first son was 2 I decided that he needed a Christian upbringing like I had, and found a church within walking distance from my home and began taking my son to church. It happened to be a Friends church. I attended there for over a year before I discovered that a Friends church is a Quaker church. High School literature paints a very dark image of the "Quaker faith" and I likely would have never gone to that church had I known it was Quaker, but once going there discovered that they are truly very friendly and some of the most NON-judgemental people I have ever met. And sometimes my husband went to church with us too, so this seemed like additional motivation to continue attending. Our three younger children were Dedicated to the Lord by pastors of the Friends church. But Quakers do not practice Communion, and they do not pratice Baptism. These are things that Jesus specifically has commanded us to do, and that the Apostles were faithful in doing in the early church. So while the Friends congregation was friendly, and welcoming, I also felt as though something important was missing. Some close friend of ours had their daughter Baptized at a local non-denominational Christian Church. The presence of the Holy Spirit seemed to be strong in church body. And the Sunday School classes encourage the young children, even as young as 2 and 3, to memorize Bible verses. I was impressed. And the issue of Baptism and Communion kept coming up in various conversations and situations. Then the begining of the year, my youngest son asked if he could be Baptized, because he wanted to take Communion. I contacted the pastors of both churches, but only the pastor from the Christian Church responded. So we began a family discussion of why we take Communion, and what it means to be baptized. In February all the children were baptized. That was an amazing experience! =) And we have been attending the Christian Church ever since.

So why am I still pondering the meaning and reasons for taking Communion? Well, it has to do with some comments that people have made, a mix of words from friends, family and strangers, as well as articles I've read on the internet over the past few years, and my own Bible reading. Moreso perhaps though, it is because of a burden on my heart. The church we attend now, practices Communion every Sunday. As it should be. And every time the communion plate is passed, I feel Jesus whispering in my heart asking me, "Will you still follow me, even if you have to come alone?" That question hurts. I am a social person, and I don't want to go alone, I want my husband with me, my children, my friends, my family I want all of my loved ones with me. But Jesus walked the road to Golgotha alone, he bore the stripes of punishment for our sins alone, he died alone, he went to the pit of Hell alone and defeated the grave, conquored death and rose again to life fulfilling the prophecies so that we could have life together with him, and never have to be alone ever again. I know there can be no other answer, I have to say "Yes. I will follow you." And I always cry, because in that moment, my husband denies the plate and passes it on to the next person. In that terrible moment when I am confirming, again, that "Yes," I will follow Jesus, my husband husband says "No," he will not. And he never understands why I'm crying.

There are many who say that one should not take of Communion if their heart is not right with God, if their life is not straightend out, if they are not living a righetous God-centered life. And there are verses in the Bible which say that if you have a problem with your neighbor, to leave your offering at the Temple, go and make things right with your neighbor, and then come back and give your offering to God. And there are other verses referring to Communion in a similar fashion as well. When these are extrated from the Bible without the surrounding teachings, make it seem as though a person must be completely perfect before any are worthy to partake of the Holy Communion. And indeed some people will reject the plate of Communion because of feelings of guilt in their heart, or feeling unworthy of accepting Christ's gift. Yet, Jesus knows that none of us are perfect. "ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." We will NONE of us ever be clean enough on our own power to be worthy of taking Communion. Not a single human on this planet will ever be "worthy" according to a standard of perfection - we are all sinners, we all make mistakes, we are all flawed, we are all imperfect. That's WHY we need Jesus. Alone we are flawed, but in Christ we are perfect. The practice of taking Holy Communion is not a profession of personal rightousness, and those who believe so are blind to the truth. Communion is a humbling of the spirit, accepting the gift of sacrifice that Christ has offered us, so that we can be made whole. When a person rejects the plate, it is as if they are spitting on the gift Christ has offered them and turning their back against Jesus. When we accept the plate, we are re-affirming our acceptance of Christ and following him. We are showing our Love for him by obeying his command, "Do this in remembrance of Me." Jesus said "If you love me, you will obey my commands." This is why we take communion. Not because it is required for salvation - it is not. All that is requred for salvation and eternal life is to Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. We take Communion to show our love for him. Those who do not follow Jesus, do not accept the plate of Communion. It is an activity that sets Christians apart from other people.

I do not believe that a person has to have "all their ducks in a row", has to have their life perfectly in order, or has to have all the answers to life's questions to be able to accept Communion. Jesus knows we are not perfect, but he has offered his gift to us anyway. They only have to answer the still small voice in their hearts that asks them, "Will you still follow me, even if you have to come alone?" When you can say "Yes, Lord. I will follow you." Then you can take Communion.

Peace be with you.
-Sparkling

It was a dark and stormy night...
Mood:  caffeinated
...that dawned into a dark and stormy morning. The writer sipped her cup of hot spiced tea and contemplated the silliness of such literary rules that state "You can not start a good story with the phrase, 'It was a dark and stormy night'". What if it it was, in fact, dark and stormy and it was night? Can't very well start a story saying "It a damp and dreary opposite of daytime..." Some rules are good rules of course, such as spelling, punctuation, and proper use of grammar (although tenses are wiley little things and difficult to keep under control). For if the writer doesn't follow basic rules of comunication then it's difficult for the reader to understand what is being said. But silly rules about how a writer can or can not begin a story are rather inhibiting I think. Setting the stage for the reader is perfectly acceptable, as it helps to draw the reader into the story with the characters and experience what is happening.

Anyway, today is Presentation Night for the families in our Homeschool support group. Our boys are going to recite Psalms 23 as a cooperative Trio. (Our daughter is still a bit too young for presentations like this, so she will just sit with us and watch her brothers.) It was their idea what to do and how to do it. They have been practicing hard, and I think they will do a great job. I'm going to make my Great-Grandma Terrell's recipe of Frito Pie and take some kind of bread (I haven't decided yet what kind) for our contribution to the pot-luck meal. My husband made it home safe from his business trip last night, so he will be able to attend with us as well. I am happy for that.

We're having classic Northwest weather here this week... "If you don't like the weather in the Northwest, just wait 10 minutes". Dark, thick thunderstorms that dump buckets of rain in a raging downpour for 10 or 15 minutes. Then the sun comes out! Gotta love the Northwest! I think the person who wrote the song "Itsy Bitsy Spider" must have lived in the Nortwest. That song actually makes sense here!

Of late, as I've mentioned before, I've been daydreaming wistfully of owning a small self-sufficient farm. Somewhere that we could have all the milk, meat, vegetables and fruit we'd need year round grown right on our own property. Land is always so outrageously expensive here though that it's not exactly a realistic daydream. But I keep hoping... then yesterday I saw 18 acres of land (no house on it mind you) for sale for just over $100k. My first thought was "We could put a 5 bedroom MFH on that!" but then my friend's words about how they are often improperly installed, how they degrade faster than a frame-built house, and how they have a lower re-sel value echoed in my mind and I became discouraged again. (I'm stubborn though... so I started looking at how much it would cost to build a house on that land.) I found a couple of neat sites of companies that help a person to build their own house for less than what it would cost to buy one from a contractor, or in many cases even to buy a previously owned home. I wanted to share these links with you, in case someone else might be looking for a glimmer of hope shining in your dark and stormy night. Maybe that glimmer is the porchlight of your new home in the distance. =)

Partner Homes

U Build It

I would probably use the first one listed there, Partner Homes, if I were able to persue this fantasy at this time. Their service seems very buyer friendly, and they did a good job on their website at least of making me believe that they really are interested in helping people get into the home of their dreams, despite financial difficulties. They explain things really well, and I was encouraged by what I read.

The only think about their website, was that I didn't like any of the floorplans they had available. And by the time I was done looking at all the ones that I thought should be large enough to have 5-6 bedrooms (we have 4 children, and would also like to have a home-office remember, so a 3 bedroom home, no matter how many square feet it is, is just not going to work for us much longer!) and discovered almost unanimously that even their 3000-4000 sq.ft. floor plans STILL only had 3 bedrooms, I got discouraged and started thinking to myself "I can design a better floorplan than that...." so I got out my PUNCH! Professional software again and played with it the rest of the afternoon.

I did see some pre-drawn designs on this other website, Home Plans, that I liked (and could happily live in) a few of the floorplans they have. But the phrase "A man's home is his castle" kept scratching at my brain, and I just had to tinker with my software again. I'm still not completely satisfied with the design that I came up with, but I think I did pretty well at getting 6 bedrooms into 3700 sq.ft. considering that professional architects had trouble getting 3 into even 4000 sq.ft. I would prefer to have the washer & dryer in a mudroom, but they ended up on the back wall of the garage in this design, so as I said this is NOT the "Perfect" dream-home yet. I do think I could do better with a bit of redesigning. But thought I'd post a couple pics of the floorplan anyway, just for kicks.

Blessings to you all. Hope you all have a wonderful day and a peaceful weekend.
-Sparkling

The first picture shows the floorplan of the ground floor and a front view rendering of the house.



The second picture shows the floorplan of the second floor and a rendering of the interior from the front entryway, ground floor.

Worth reading
Today I'm going to add a new link to my page here. The Vision Forum It could fit under entertainment just as easily as educational, because this company sells children's dolls, and story books, as well as History texts and family devotionals. They sell paper bound books and audio books, and Christian movies for entertainment as well. I have not read most of the books they offer, but the catalog gives good descriptions of each item. I saw some historical fiction for older children that looked interesting also, and hope to get a chance to inbestigate some of those titles.

There is one book, a children's storybook, that I have read and was delighted to find it for sale here as I had never seen it for sale anywhere else before. (When we read it, we had borrowed it from the church library.) The book is called "The Princess and the Kiss" and I highly reccomend this book to anyone with children aged 4 to 12. It is focused more to the younger audience (probably 4 to 8), but is delightfully well written and illustrated that I enjoyed reading it to the kids as much as they enjoyed listening to it. The book is refreshing, and encourages traditional values of virtue. If you can't afford to buy this book, then ask your church or city library to order it for you. If half the items in this catalog are as well done as this book, then it would be a library well worth the money invested to own as many of these titles as we can afford.

And no, they did not pay me to post this message, or reccomend this (or any) of their books. They don't even know I have written this post, and for all I know they don't even know my blog exists. I was just happy to see a company so wholly devoted to Christian and Family values that I wanted to share it with you. May your life be filled with blessings and may the joy of new discoveries always bring you renewed enthusiasm.

-Sparkling

Sun shining through the clouds.
I would like to take a moment to thank my friends and family who have been supportive and always loving and with warm hearts. Thank you for your emails, your chats, and for giving me time in your busy lives.

Something that I think is important to share here, is my perspective on battles and victories. We all struggle, we all have trials, I daresay we all have low moments. When we have gotten through that trial, when we win that battle, when we emerge from the darkest pit of the valley of the shadow of death and discover that we are still alive, and that the night is ending with the start of a new day, we have a duty to our fellow mankind to share the news of that triumph. Not to bring glory to ourselves, but to give them hope that the struggles whicht hey endure, the battles which they are fighting, the night which is darkening their lives does have an end, and they too will walk in the light again. They can and will make it. And when they hear the giggles of the little children, smell the fresh mountain air, and feel the warm embrace of a friend or loved one, they will know in their hearts that it was worth fighting for. And they in turn will have renewed insight with which to encourage someone else whom they meet who is struggling with the very same trial they have just defeated. And as we enourage and comfort one another, we will be able to fulfill the greatest purpose of our lives... to love one another as Christ has loved us.

I had a very exciting idea for my Visions game this morning, perhaps a breakthrough to a gameplay barrier we had faced. Now, if only we could find the perfect programmer willing to take on the challenge! Preferrably one who is willing to work for free, considering we still haven't obtained any new donations yet. Without donations to the cause, we will never have a reserve from which to pay a salary to our game developers. But I do not let htis stop me, I am excited about this idea, and sometimes I wish I could just tell everthing, but it is too early yet. I want the game experience to be a wonderful surprize and adventure when the players first enter the world. I think it will be very different than what people first imagine it will be. It will be FUN!

Blessings to you all!

The clouds that darken even the brightest of skies
It is actually a sunny day outside, nice temperature. Looks like a good day to be outside and I plan to do that later on. There is still sadness darkening my spirit though, and for days now I have not been able to shake it. And as someone reccomended that I talk to my pastor about it, I felt resistance within me against that, but at the time could not have explained why I didn't want to go. Then this morning I think I pinpointed the reason why I felt that. And I think perhaps this reason stops a great many people from seeking help when in their darkest hours, so I thought I would share my thoughts here with the world at large, for any who care to read.

The problem with people whose job it is to help, or who have well-meaning intentions, who likely do truly care and want to help, usually have not the slightest clue what it is the person is feeling that they think they are helping. I have heard pastors preach, had friends tell me, and read books which all suggest the same or similar "root causes" of depression. #1) Generally people believe that depression is caused by a lack of faith in God to change things - not believing that God is really big enough. Maybe for some people, in some rare cases this is true, but overall and in general I think this is only a misperception of what is really causing the depression. And on the contrary, I believe it is entirely possible to have great faith in God's ability to change things, and still feel deep sadness and depression that drains all will to live from a person. #2) Or they believe that people have a misplaced faith in money to fix things - so that when there is not enough money they collapse emotionally. And I admit that money problems can add to the stress and frustration, and can corrode the remnants of an already discouraged soul; but I do not think it is a faith in or love of money that actually causes depression. #3) Many times people believe that depression is caused by someone putting too much faith in other people, depending on other flawed human beings to provide their happiness for them. And because all humans are flawed, and all humans born with a sin nature, All humans (even parents, spouses, and best friends) will someday let you down. And I admit that this can be a trigger, depending on other people for fulfillment and support and happiness. But I still do not believe that it is a "cause", more like a catalyst. #4) Another common misconception is that people who are depressed just don't appreciate the blessings and gifts God has given them. People will use examples of people who are worse off, who suffer greater poverty, suffer greater ills, suffer greater struggles to use as encouragement for how "good" you have it, trying to convince you that you have no right to be depressed. This totally and completely misses the point, and sometimes can make a person feel more depressed, not less. Because now they not only feel sad and broken hearted, discouraged, and defeated, they also feel guilty for not showing the appreciation due and completely worthless for being unable to handle their own lot in life when others are enduring so much worse.

And this, my friends and fellows, is what I believe is the root cause and source of depression. Not lack of faith, poverty, co-dependance, or lack of appreciation... but a broken self esteem, a feeling of worthlessness, not fear of failure but the feeling of having already failed in everything, total and complete loss of hope, not so much feeling unloved but feeling unloveable, feeling like a waste of space, waste of food, waste of money that someone else could probably benefit more from using if you weren't in the way, feeling sadness, lonliness and dispair so darkly that it seems there is no light which could ever reach to the depths into which you have fallen. A feeling of desperation that you will never be happy again, and worse, that no one even cares if you exist much less if you are happy. There is a definite connection to the social need - that craving of validation from other humans that you are worthwhile, valuable and wanted. It is in thi way that other people have a chance to help someone who is depressed to break free. But by telling them that they are too-dependant on other humans, or that they can not depend on other people to make them happy, and pointing out things which are wrong with them is not going to help. All it does is confirm for the person who is depressed that they have reason to feel like a failure, they can't even be sad and do it right!!! What the person needs is repeated and constant confirmation that they are loved and that they are loveable, that they are wanted and that their talents, skills or even their sense of humor is appreciated, reminders of things they have been successful at in the past and hope of things they can be successful at again in the future, and that the mourning of lost loved ones is ok, that it's okay to love and to have regrets - that it's better to have loved someone and to hurt when they are gone, than to have never loved at all. Don't tell them to "buck up" or to "get over it" because they can't and will only hurt worse and sink deeper into the quagmire of dispaire for the failure at not being able to "snap out of it". People who are depressed, in general, do not WANT to be depressed, they are not doing it intentionally to make someone else feel guilty for treating them bad, and they aren't using it as a form of punishment to anyone (except themselves maybe - but even then not intentionally). Yes, a person who is depressed can often make themselves stop crying, can make themselves put on a smile even if pressured to do so, can have periods of time where they are strong and can face the challenges that life throws them, but in the quiet moments, it all comes rushing back again - usually twice as bad as before - if the feelings have not been resolved. A person does not "choose" to be depressed, any more than they can "choose" not to be depressed. It's an emotional response to dark feelings, negative inputs from society, or circumstances.

Before you can help someone who is depressed recover from that depression, first you need to understand what is causing it. If you can not understand them, then you can not help them. Because what that peron needs more than anything else, is someone who understands, who WANTS to understand, and who cares. Really truly cares, and isn't just doing it because it's their job to do so. And you also need to understand that it's difficult to talk about the really personal issues, the really painful feelings, and the really dark moments. Moreso because sometimes people respond negatively to hearing those thoughts, as though you are telling them how you feel in order to elicit a guilt trip or start a fight. If someone really wants to help, they will listen, WITHOUT the thorny defensive barriers, but with open mind and open heart, and above all with compassion.

Sometimes indeed, the feelings of depression are triggered because you have invested an imbalanced weight of your self-validation into the opinions of a single person. This happens when you really admire, love or are devoted to that person more than anyone else. But when that person begins to tire of you, finds fault with you, or does not return the same level of devotion and affirmation you begin to feel your own self-worth degrade and deteriorate until there is nothing left but shambles - and depression. I don't know how to fix this situation, other than to have that other person make an extra effort to repair the damage, or to have the depressed person find some other source of directing their love and devotion. Ultimately, it seems that no matter what, depression is inevitable. Yet, some people never seem to experience depression, some people don't seem to have any clue what it'slike to feel so totally, completely, emotionally, phyically, and spiritually exhausted that you can barely function and have no desire to even try. Some people seem to have so much energy and such a strong sense of self-worth that they couldn't possibly understand what it feels like to be a worthless failure. These are the ones who are most likely to offer such advice as "Take a walk, get some fresh air, clean the house, do something nice for yourself and that will help you feel better". Any of those things may (or may not) help for a moment - perhaps long enough to convince the energized person that they were right - but it doesn't actually treat the core of the problem, and soon the depression returns again like fog on a cold day.

For those who have never really truly experienced depression, but who would like a fragment of a glimpse into what it feels like to the person who is depressed, let me paint a word-picture for you. Imagine yourself totally and completely alone and in the dark. You are at the bottom of a pitch black pit, or well. You've been struggling for hours and hours, trying to climb the walls, you've cried until there are no more tears left to cry. You call out for help, but you are so deep down no one can hear you. You don't believe anyone is there to listen anyway, even if they could, and you wonder if they would even want to help if they could. You feel like it's your own fault for falling down there in the first place, and that the rest of the world believes you deserve to be there. You wonder if they even noticed that you are gone, did they notice you were there to begin with? And you feel like it does not matter either way. You are exhausted from struggling, and wish that the water was deep enough to drown in, but it is not. You begin to wish for death, as much as you wish for escape, because it feels like there is no hope, and death would be better than starvation or lonliness. You call out to God and ask him to take you away, you don't want to be there anymore, you don't want to be anywhere anymore, you just want to not feel sad, not feel lonly, you long for the peace and love of your Heavenly Father, you long to be held in his arms forever and ever. He feels so far away right now, this lifetime feels so long, and so pointless, and so dark. The world is full of selfish, hateful, single-minded people who have only their own goals, own agenda and own interests in mind. No one cares about anyone anymore. You find yourself wondering what is the point of even trying to escape, no one has noticed you are gone, and no one will notice if you return. And you know you are so far down, and the walls are so think that even the longest rope would not reach you, and the strongest pick could not break through. You feel like the only people who ever cared about you have died, and you want to die and be with them too. Life is hard, and after you finish your work, there is more work, and when you try to stop and have fun the feelings of guilt that you should be doing more work crush you so that you can not even fully enjoy the fun moments. And dispair takes over. Soon, all you feel is darkness. All you can see is darkness. All you can hear is darkness. And you begin to adapt so that you no longer know how to respond when a glimer of light trickles down, and you hide from it. You feel like maybe it's better if you don't try at all, then at least you can not fail. And you just sit there, in the shell of your former self, and wait... knowing that the love and attention for which you wait can never come, because you are too far away, and they do not understand what your problem is.

It's hard to help someone out of a problem, if you don't know what the problem is to begin with, and it's worse if the person who is in trouble doesn't understand any more than you do. Many times, when someone is depressed, they do not even know why. They know only that they feel like crying when they should be happy, and they feel sad when they should be glad, and they can not break free on their own power. Because they have no energy left to break the bonds.

If you have made it this far through the reading, I thank you for your rapt attention. I write this not to discourage anyone, and I pray my descriptions do not instigate or deepen any feelings of depression for anyone. I write these ponderings in hopes that it will help someone, somewhere to be able to reach out to a friend and say, truly "I understand". I hope that it will help someone to see, that I TOO understand, and that you are not alone. And that if you are feeling lonely, downtrodden and depressed that you will not give up, that you will try again to reach a friend who cares and that you will find hope to carry on. Only you know what has caused you to feel this way, but there are many who know how it feels. And if there is any reason we must endure these dark hours, it might so that we can help one another and comfort one another, as the Bible commands us to do. In so doing we share the Light of Christ through the love we show to one another.

And yes, I know that my first, second and thrid person tenses are all messed up throughout this monologue. Hopefully you can sort it all out and get the general idea of my ramblings here. I don't have the energy to go back through and try to fix it all. And I don't have the time either, there is a tremendous amount of work waiting for me in my house right now.

May God bless you all, and may HE grant you peace.