The clouds that darken even the brightest of skies
It is actually a sunny day outside, nice temperature. Looks like a good day to be outside and I plan to do that later on. There is still sadness darkening my spirit though, and for days now I have not been able to shake it. And as someone reccomended that I talk to my pastor about it, I felt resistance within me against that, but at the time could not have explained why I didn't want to go. Then this morning I think I pinpointed the reason why I felt that. And I think perhaps this reason stops a great many people from seeking help when in their darkest hours, so I thought I would share my thoughts here with the world at large, for any who care to read.
The problem with people whose job it is to help, or who have well-meaning intentions, who likely do truly care and want to help, usually have not the slightest clue what it is the person is feeling that they think they are helping. I have heard pastors preach, had friends tell me, and read books which all suggest the same or similar "root causes" of depression. #1) Generally people believe that depression is caused by a lack of faith in God to change things - not believing that God is really big enough. Maybe for some people, in some rare cases this is true, but overall and in general I think this is only a misperception of what is really causing the depression. And on the contrary, I believe it is entirely possible to have great faith in God's ability to change things, and still feel deep sadness and depression that drains all will to live from a person. #2) Or they believe that people have a misplaced faith in money to fix things - so that when there is not enough money they collapse emotionally. And I admit that money problems can add to the stress and frustration, and can corrode the remnants of an already discouraged soul; but I do not think it is a faith in or love of money that actually causes depression. #3) Many times people believe that depression is caused by someone putting too much faith in other people, depending on other flawed human beings to provide their happiness for them. And because all humans are flawed, and all humans born with a sin nature, All humans (even parents, spouses, and best friends) will someday let you down. And I admit that this can be a trigger, depending on other people for fulfillment and support and happiness. But I still do not believe that it is a "cause", more like a catalyst. #4) Another common misconception is that people who are depressed just don't appreciate the blessings and gifts God has given them. People will use examples of people who are worse off, who suffer greater poverty, suffer greater ills, suffer greater struggles to use as encouragement for how "good" you have it, trying to convince you that you have no right to be depressed. This totally and completely misses the point, and sometimes can make a person feel more depressed, not less. Because now they not only feel sad and broken hearted, discouraged, and defeated, they also feel guilty for not showing the appreciation due and completely worthless for being unable to handle their own lot in life when others are enduring so much worse.
And this, my friends and fellows, is what I believe is the root cause and source of depression. Not lack of faith, poverty, co-dependance, or lack of appreciation... but a broken self esteem, a feeling of worthlessness, not fear of failure but the feeling of having already failed in everything, total and complete loss of hope, not so much feeling unloved but feeling unloveable, feeling like a waste of space, waste of food, waste of money that someone else could probably benefit more from using if you weren't in the way, feeling sadness, lonliness and dispair so darkly that it seems there is no light which could ever reach to the depths into which you have fallen. A feeling of desperation that you will never be happy again, and worse, that no one even cares if you exist much less if you are happy. There is a definite connection to the social need - that craving of validation from other humans that you are worthwhile, valuable and wanted. It is in thi way that other people have a chance to help someone who is depressed to break free. But by telling them that they are too-dependant on other humans, or that they can not depend on other people to make them happy, and pointing out things which are wrong with them is not going to help. All it does is confirm for the person who is depressed that they have reason to feel like a failure, they can't even be sad and do it right!!! What the person needs is repeated and constant confirmation that they are loved and that they are loveable, that they are wanted and that their talents, skills or even their sense of humor is appreciated, reminders of things they have been successful at in the past and hope of things they can be successful at again in the future, and that the mourning of lost loved ones is ok, that it's okay to love and to have regrets - that it's better to have loved someone and to hurt when they are gone, than to have never loved at all. Don't tell them to "buck up" or to "get over it" because they can't and will only hurt worse and sink deeper into the quagmire of dispaire for the failure at not being able to "snap out of it". People who are depressed, in general, do not WANT to be depressed, they are not doing it intentionally to make someone else feel guilty for treating them bad, and they aren't using it as a form of punishment to anyone (except themselves maybe - but even then not intentionally). Yes, a person who is depressed can often make themselves stop crying, can make themselves put on a smile even if pressured to do so, can have periods of time where they are strong and can face the challenges that life throws them, but in the quiet moments, it all comes rushing back again - usually twice as bad as before - if the feelings have not been resolved. A person does not "choose" to be depressed, any more than they can "choose" not to be depressed. It's an emotional response to dark feelings, negative inputs from society, or circumstances.
Before you can help someone who is depressed recover from that depression, first you need to understand what is causing it. If you can not understand them, then you can not help them. Because what that peron needs more than anything else, is someone who understands, who WANTS to understand, and who cares. Really truly cares, and isn't just doing it because it's their job to do so. And you also need to understand that it's difficult to talk about the really personal issues, the really painful feelings, and the really dark moments. Moreso because sometimes people respond negatively to hearing those thoughts, as though you are telling them how you feel in order to elicit a guilt trip or start a fight. If someone really wants to help, they will listen, WITHOUT the thorny defensive barriers, but with open mind and open heart, and above all with compassion.
Sometimes indeed, the feelings of depression are triggered because you have invested an imbalanced weight of your self-validation into the opinions of a single person. This happens when you really admire, love or are devoted to that person more than anyone else. But when that person begins to tire of you, finds fault with you, or does not return the same level of devotion and affirmation you begin to feel your own self-worth degrade and deteriorate until there is nothing left but shambles - and depression. I don't know how to fix this situation, other than to have that other person make an extra effort to repair the damage, or to have the depressed person find some other source of directing their love and devotion. Ultimately, it seems that no matter what, depression is inevitable. Yet, some people never seem to experience depression, some people don't seem to have any clue what it'slike to feel so totally, completely, emotionally, phyically, and spiritually exhausted that you can barely function and have no desire to even try. Some people seem to have so much energy and such a strong sense of self-worth that they couldn't possibly understand what it feels like to be a worthless failure. These are the ones who are most likely to offer such advice as "Take a walk, get some fresh air, clean the house, do something nice for yourself and that will help you feel better". Any of those things may (or may not) help for a moment - perhaps long enough to convince the energized person that they were right - but it doesn't actually treat the core of the problem, and soon the depression returns again like fog on a cold day.
For those who have never really truly experienced depression, but who would like a fragment of a glimpse into what it feels like to the person who is depressed, let me paint a word-picture for you. Imagine yourself totally and completely alone and in the dark. You are at the bottom of a pitch black pit, or well. You've been struggling for hours and hours, trying to climb the walls, you've cried until there are no more tears left to cry. You call out for help, but you are so deep down no one can hear you. You don't believe anyone is there to listen anyway, even if they could, and you wonder if they would even want to help if they could. You feel like it's your own fault for falling down there in the first place, and that the rest of the world believes you deserve to be there. You wonder if they even noticed that you are gone, did they notice you were there to begin with? And you feel like it does not matter either way. You are exhausted from struggling, and wish that the water was deep enough to drown in, but it is not. You begin to wish for death, as much as you wish for escape, because it feels like there is no hope, and death would be better than starvation or lonliness. You call out to God and ask him to take you away, you don't want to be there anymore, you don't want to be anywhere anymore, you just want to not feel sad, not feel lonly, you long for the peace and love of your Heavenly Father, you long to be held in his arms forever and ever. He feels so far away right now, this lifetime feels so long, and so pointless, and so dark. The world is full of selfish, hateful, single-minded people who have only their own goals, own agenda and own interests in mind. No one cares about anyone anymore. You find yourself wondering what is the point of even trying to escape, no one has noticed you are gone, and no one will notice if you return. And you know you are so far down, and the walls are so think that even the longest rope would not reach you, and the strongest pick could not break through. You feel like the only people who ever cared about you have died, and you want to die and be with them too. Life is hard, and after you finish your work, there is more work, and when you try to stop and have fun the feelings of guilt that you should be doing more work crush you so that you can not even fully enjoy the fun moments. And dispair takes over. Soon, all you feel is darkness. All you can see is darkness. All you can hear is darkness. And you begin to adapt so that you no longer know how to respond when a glimer of light trickles down, and you hide from it. You feel like maybe it's better if you don't try at all, then at least you can not fail. And you just sit there, in the shell of your former self, and wait... knowing that the love and attention for which you wait can never come, because you are too far away, and they do not understand what your problem is.
It's hard to help someone out of a problem, if you don't know what the problem is to begin with, and it's worse if the person who is in trouble doesn't understand any more than you do. Many times, when someone is depressed, they do not even know why. They know only that they feel like crying when they should be happy, and they feel sad when they should be glad, and they can not break free on their own power. Because they have no energy left to break the bonds.
If you have made it this far through the reading, I thank you for your rapt attention. I write this not to discourage anyone, and I pray my descriptions do not instigate or deepen any feelings of depression for anyone. I write these ponderings in hopes that it will help someone, somewhere to be able to reach out to a friend and say, truly "I understand". I hope that it will help someone to see, that I TOO understand, and that you are not alone. And that if you are feeling lonely, downtrodden and depressed that you will not give up, that you will try again to reach a friend who cares and that you will find hope to carry on. Only you know what has caused you to feel this way, but there are many who know how it feels. And if there is any reason we must endure these dark hours, it might so that we can help one another and comfort one another, as the Bible commands us to do. In so doing we share the Light of Christ through the love we show to one another.
And yes, I know that my first, second and thrid person tenses are all messed up throughout this monologue. Hopefully you can sort it all out and get the general idea of my ramblings here. I don't have the energy to go back through and try to fix it all. And I don't have the time either, there is a tremendous amount of work waiting for me in my house right now.
May God bless you all, and may HE grant you peace.
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