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Aaaha! Jokes for thousands of clean jokes, audio files, movie clips, cartoons, pictures, daily humor, and more.
RESTROOM ETIQUETTE
Once I was on a long distance trip and I decide to make a stop at one of
those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first
stall was taken so I went into the second stall. I just sat down when I
hear a voice from the next stall..."Hi there, how is it going?"
OK, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in
washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but I
replied: "Not bad I guess."
Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back East to see some friends and just try to relax..."
Then I hear the person say:
"Look, I'm going to have to call you back. Every time I ask you a question,
some idiot in the next stall keeps answering."
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A new young MD was starting his residency in Obstetrics and Gynecology. He was somewhat embarrassed performing pelvic exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment.
The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He snapped "just what is so funny?"
She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner."
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Some Senior Humor
Arizona newspapers:
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, and valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Letter form a scout
Dear Mom,
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you
saw the
flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned
because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He
can't write
because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search &
rescue
jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark
if it
hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone
without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during
the fire
so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will
blow
up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did.
Also
some of our clothes.
John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will
be home
on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't
his fault
about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect
something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on
it. We
think it's a neat car.
He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes
he lets
us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a
car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway
patrolman
stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good
driver. In
fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him
drive
on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we
ever see
up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving
off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.
Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad
was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the
canoe
across the lake. It was great.
You can still see some of the trees under the water from the
flood.
Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't
even
get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are
trying not to
cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When
Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet
works. Also Wade and I threw up.
Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from
the
leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food
they ate
in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he
sure
figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his
time. I
have to go now.
We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole
00000000000000000000000
The Kiss
Four strangers traveled together in the same
compartment of a European train. Two men and two women
faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year
old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and
jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman,
nineteen years old--who looked like something right off
the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older
lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly
decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the
Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot
camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and
chatted about trivial things until they entered an
unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete
darkness and total silence, until the sound of a
distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a
loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat
quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that
even in this permissive day and age there are still
young women who have a little self-respect and
dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled,
asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his
right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when
I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged
that any woman could ever think that a man in his
position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was
thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when
a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack
a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
---------------------------------
David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend.
"Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored."
Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've
ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and
said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me,
and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she
starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cargo plane is in mid-flight way out over the ocean when suddenly
the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a
startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.
He holds his gun at the pilot's head and says, "Take this plane to
Cuba or I'm going to spill your brains all over the place!"
The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "Look
buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thinks about this and then holds the gun at the
copilot's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm going to spill
HIS brains all over the place."
But the copilot also calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says,
"Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at
the shock of my being killed like that. So if you shoot me, this
plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with
the rest of us."
The hijacker thinks about this for a moment and then holds the gun at
the navigator's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm going to
spill HIS brains all over the place."
But the navigator calmly reaches up, pushes the gun aside and says, "I
wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of
direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper
bag much less get this plane to Cuba. So if you shoot me, this plane
will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the
rest of us."
The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs and this time holds the gun at
the stewardess's head and says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm going to
spill HER brains all over the place."
No one says a word but the stewardess leans over and whispers
something into the hijacker's ear. The hijacker turns beet red,
drops his gun, and runs out of the cockpit in a panic.
Later after the crew has tracked down the hijacker (whom they found
cowering behind some crates in the hold) and tied him up, the pilot
asks the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.
"I told him, sir, that if he killed me, He'd be the one who'd have to
give you guys your blowjobs."
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
This came from a freind
Daddy, What Is Sex?
I overheard this recently when I was out with one of my friends at a Bar-B-Que.
The people's house we were at that were hosting the party has the most adorable girl, and this is what she said...
The 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was cooking in the back yard. She asked him.. "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her. "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied,
"Mom told me to tell you that the stuff would be ready in just a couple of secs."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
One cold, rainy afternoon, there's a guy sitting at a bar, just staring into his untouched drink. He sits like that for about an hour, saying nothing. Finally, a big, rough-looking truck driver decides he's going to start some trouble, and he walks over, picks up the drink from in front of the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor guy just starts crying. The truck driver wasn't expecting that reaction, and he says, "Aw, come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that," the man said, wiping away his tears. "See... This has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept, and I was late to my office, and my boss was in a terrible mood, and fired me. When I got my things and left the building to go home, I found my car was stolen. The police don't have any clues."
"So I got in a cab to go home and when I got out, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards on the seat, and the cab driver just drove away. I went inside and went upstairs, and I found my wife in bed with the gardener! I walked out and came to this bar."
"And now, while I'm sitting here thinking about putting an end to it all, you show up and drink my poison!"
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