|
She didn't laugh one bit. Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
My husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said,
My hubby's got to go!
Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair,
Even though arson's a crime.
But I failed at each plot
'till I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!
I took him back to Wal-Mart!
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.
They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?"
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I'll take back his mother next year!
They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart,
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!
Let's bash the men...AGAIN! :D
(You can take a little good-natured ribbing...can't ya, Fellas??!!)
How do you scare a man?
- Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone
at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
- Women working at 900 numbers.
Where is the best place in a book store to find a man
who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
- In the pages of a romance novel.
What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
- Exchange him.
Why is the book Women Who Love Too Much
a disappointment for many men?
- No phone numbers.
Why do men like smart women?
- Opposites attract.
***
Men are like department stores...
(their clothes should always be half off.)
Men are like computers...
(hard to figure out and never have enough memory.)
Men are like chocolate bars...
(sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.)
Men are like coffee...
(the best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.)
Men are like horoscopes...
(they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.)
Men are like plungers...
(they spend most of their lives in a hardware store
or the bathroom.)
Men are like floor tile...
(lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them!)
==============================
Are you tired of the battle between the sexes? Men and women are different. There's no question about it. But instead of focusing on the negative qualities of men and women, why not celebrate the positive qualities? Let's start with the Ladies:
Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring.
Women cry when they are happy.
Women are always doing little things to show they care.
They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children (best school, best prom dress, best dentist)
Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up.
They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion.
Women know how to get the most for their money
They know how to comfort a sick friend.
Women bring joy and laughter to the world.
The know how to entertain children for hours on end!
They are honest and loyal.
Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior.
They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need.
Women are easily brought to tears by injustice.
They know how to make a man feel like a king.
Women make the world a much happier place to live.
Now, for the Men:
Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders.
=======================================
It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed his students
to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote:
"Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote:
"Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Just seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied, "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wishing Well
http://funnygreetings.com/wish4.htm
=========================================
Good Morning Men
http://www.freesiteofjones.com/pics/Greetings-AM/Good-Morning-men.jpg
From the DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Exercise -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Diet Soda -- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Hair Dresser -- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
See: "Magician."
==============================================
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!
And send this to five bright men who have the sense of humor to find this funny
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice.
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
|
|
