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IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she couldn't complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When
I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I
had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of
her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on
the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road.
The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to
cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To
which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He
smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged
co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she
responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3
At a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the
company due to downsizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun.
We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked
at each
other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey", I announced to the
technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL A LITTLE SMARTER?!!!
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At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-
year-old.
Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on
their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms.
The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert
himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for
bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock
comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for
action.
They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave
of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few
minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door.
It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the
newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night,
and leaves.
LouAnne is set to go to sleep again.
However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at
her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and
ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third
your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You
mean I was here already?"
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A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listenedto the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?"
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from to to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out but returned a few moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex- bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably . dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but........what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
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Here's something to add a little humor to your day.
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My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for
February and
March
for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then
added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been
$0.00...
Now was somewhere around $60.00)
I placed the following phone call to
**************
CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
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CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges
still
apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..." ~
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
-------
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
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CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or
report
her
to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
----
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"
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Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about
her
being
dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets
on the phone)
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Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges
still
apply."
------
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
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Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
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Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
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Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
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Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep
billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
-------
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Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
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Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number
given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
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