|
why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
***
why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
***
why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
**
why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
**
why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
**
why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
***
if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
**
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
AND...In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
******
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
-
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
-
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
-
On some Swanson frozen dinners:" Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
-
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
-
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
-
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
-
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:" Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.
******
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
-
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
****
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
-
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
******
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
-
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
****
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
*********
Now that you've smiled maybe at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch a dead chicken at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
~~~
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this:
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
An elderly gentleman went to the chemist drug store) and asked for some Viagra.
"How many would you like" asks the assistant?
"Just a few" replied the old man.
"I cut them into 4 pieces"
"That's too small a dose, that won't get you through sex".
The old fella said "Oh, I'm past 80 years old, and I don't think about sex anymore, I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes"
Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink.
This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.
They're making a new XXX movie. It's about an anorexic Irish prostitute who hops from bed to bed. Her name's Tramp O'Lean.
============================================
Our village had its annual St. Patrick's Day parade with rock and roll bands marching. Actually it wasn't really rock and roll. It was sham rock. --
A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors.
And after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the new doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 58 years old, she has four grown children. And you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Iraqi ". The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out "One Texas soldier is better than one hundred Iraqi ". Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences.
The Texas soldier's voice calls out again "One Texas soldier is better than one thousand Iraqi ".
The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander...Don't send any more men...... its a trap. There's two of them"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches a loan officer. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use THIS as collateral.
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
Ready...
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Rock, asked her class,
"Which Human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Marcy stood up, angry, and said,
"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Rock ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Marcy's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Bruce stood up, looked around
nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Rock said, "Very good, Bruce," then turned to Marcy and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
-------------
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
----------
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
-----------
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4)You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
----------
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
---------
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . .not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and inand out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jospeh! come in or stay out!'"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them.
While at the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove the thirty miles.
===================================
http://makesmesmile.com/fun/sexdrive/index.php
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant? "The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud, then they're not."
The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, in the mud again!
And the next morning, MUD again!
This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing."
The wife looked out the window and then yelled back, "Neither, they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
--------------------------------------------------------------
For those of us who are always dieting and watching what you eat...
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
---------------------------
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
----------------------------
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"
The Jew replied "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."
The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table. The Jew said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not! try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Hope you had a chuckle.
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
---
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
---------------------
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
------------
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
----------
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
----------------------
and finally #5,
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personalinjury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Buford...
-----------------
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
-----------------
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
-----------------
A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, electrocardiogram, and told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
-------------
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles. "The doctor said, Where?"
--------------------------
Buford said "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they 'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says,
"Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money! that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
"About Those Bagels"
A German man comes to London and stays with Maurice Cohen and his family.
The first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels. The German man exclaims, "Wow, we don't have bagels like this in Germany."
To which Maurice stands up and yells, "And whose fault is that?"
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their eight children when a blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the constant ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"
The blind man replies, "If you'd have put a rubber on your stick, we would have been sitting in the bus, so shut the Hell up!!!!"
We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax liability would decrease as you got older. The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to your dad with your tax bill in his hand.
We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns. Locker room conversations would change... "Get a load of this tax bill!"
The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040 Quickie. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase....."Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them, and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's not even a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line...)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair; adds permanent wave."
No come work today--
Kung Chow called his boss and said:
"Hey, boss I no come work today, I real sick
I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt. I no come work."
The boss says, "Kung Chow I really need you today.
When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give
me sex.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try
that."
Two hours later Kung Chow calls again:
"Boss, I do what you say and I feeling great. I be at work
soon. You
got nice house."
Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not
have
sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So
Donald went
down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the
counter
and
gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
THINGS TO PONDER
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look there anyway?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
------------
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
*
*
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
*
*
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
*
*
*
Think!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Think some more!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> You're gonna love it......
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answer: it's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.......
A real Golf Story
To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend of golf at St Andrews. On the third tee, the husband said, "Darling, I have to confess something.
Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing.
I hope that you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said,
"Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Darling, since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before we met."
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat!
How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off the "LADIES TEE' all these years!!!
After their baby was born, the panicked father went
to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little
upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair,
one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be,
our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor,
"Let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year.
We only made love once or twice every few months"
"Well, there you have it!", the doctor said confidently.
"It's rust."
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid idiot was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.
"Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table."
"And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.
"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but the Bible group was kind of surprised."
|
|
