It was fun while it lasted, Tea thought, wrapped in a maroon pashmina shawl, hair blowing freely in the wind. The saying "one is the loneliest number in the world" was really true, in her case. The gods had been so cruel over the past couple of years...to give love...and yank it cruelly away from her caring arms. Teases. Yeah, they took her life, turned it upside down, inside out, and every other way imaginable, taking her ability to give of herself completely...unconditionally. And she was pissed.
Llanview was supposed to be her land of second chances. Supposed to be. Instead it ended up being just like everyplace else one... big disappointment. There would be no more disappointments for Tea Delgado...there would be no more expectations. The world had shit on Tea Delgado...it was time to shit back on everyone else.
She moved back to Manhattan, into the same building she was raised in. This time, she lived at the very top, overlooking the entire city. The building still had the same doorman that ignored her when she was "just the janitor's daughter." She loved to see him now, falling over himself when he opened the door for her, her arms filled with bags from Barney's, Neiman Marcus, Macy's. He didn't even know who she was...bastard. Five million dollars could sure buy a lot of fucking respect.
Back to the big, cold, empty city she ran from...back to where she really belonged. Amongst the heartless...the self-centered...back to reality. Fuck...the...world. If one was the loneliest number in the world, it was time to look out for herself...look out for number one.
When she reflected on the past two years, people had made a damn fool out of her. RJ, John, Todd, Kevin...they could all go to hell. The only halfway decent man that paid any attention to her, she threw away. He could never have made her happy anyway...too boring. She thrived on chaos. She sure as hell got chaos out of RJ and Todd. John...well...John was a total mistake.
No more mistakes from here on out. Nobody was getting in. Nobody.
New York. New beginning. New law practice...new penthouse...new wardrobe...whole new attitude. New motto: SCREW THE WORLD.
She walked amongst the "regular" folk, feet pounding the worn and cracked cement walked with a mission. Nobody took time to smell the roses; there weren't any around. That's one of the things she loved about New York, the quickness. There was no time to do anything other than sleep when required...eat when necessary...work all the time. Keep moving. So that's what she did...avoided.
"Morning Ms. Delgado."
She threw her hand up, waving to the security guard. She didn't even know his name; only that he was the day guard for the building, which housed her office. The fewer names she knew, the better. The less personal she got, the better.
She strutted through the lobby like she owned the place. Shoulders back...chin out...determined. Her heels echoed in the large, space, announcing her presence. As eyes turned to look at the fast walking, confident woman, she ignored them...pushing the elevator button...up...to the top. The doors closed on the outside world and she breathed a sigh of relief. Each floor lit up then went dim as she passed it. As always, her stomach lurched and she got lightheaded, the closer she got to her office. Heights, she'd never get used to them.
Her office was on the top floor, at the very end of a very long hallway. She clicked along the emptiness, looking at nothing but her goal at the end of the hallway...her office. There was where she felt comfortable. There is where she knew she excelled, thrived...there she was the very best.
Curious eyes followed her, the mysterious woman who never acknowledged the presence of anyone. She buried herself in work, there long after the last person had closed their office for the night. Once she was behind the safety of her law practice, she did not emerge for the rest of the day. There had been speculation, but no certainties. Men wanted to fuck her. Women envied her. She ignored them, only acknowledging them when she wanted something.
"Morning Ms. Delgado." Caitlin, Tea's twenty-four year old secretary, was everything she could have hoped for. Efficient. Ambitious. Intelligent. And most of all, she minded her own business. It was just the two of them, Tea wanted to keep things small.
"Morning. Caitlin, hold all my calls for the next hour or so."
"Okay."
She slammed her briefcase against her desk with such force, that papers went flying in all directions. As if in slow motion, they suspended in midair, almost appearing frozen. But that was impossible, no matter how badly she wanted, time could not be frozen. Well, memories could be frozen, and that's all she had left.
"Shit!" She left the mess on the floor, for the time being...sat in her chair...rotated toward the window and stared out into the morning sky. Rocking backward in her black leather chair, she began her morning like every other morning...with a "memory check."
"Memory checks" were daily thoughts of the past...more specifically...Todd. It was the one time during the day when she would really let down her armor and let the past come back to her. Just for a few minutes. Just for a few minutes. Then, up went the armor...again.
Buzz. Her "memory check" timer was set for five minutes...her time was up. It was time to get to work.
Contracts, contracts and more contracts...all vied for her attention. She'd given up criminal law...she was too likely to fall in love with the person she defended. Where to start? She gathered the papers from the floor, stacked them in a pile, and worked her way down. At the end of her day...which really was dinnertime, she made her way to a neighborhood bar. Ordered a martini, or two...and sat alone.
Men would approach...she would flirt if she felt like it...take them home if she needed it...no kissing...discard them when she was finished. Some would be heartbroken, all dreaming of being the one to tame the wild one. They would leave their number on the nightstand, asking her to call but she simply threw it in the garbage. Looking out for number one. Man-eater. Do unto others like they have done unto you. Fuck 'em. She lifts her glass at that, mock toasting.
There would be no more intimacy...in the emotional sense. Look where being open and honest got her with Todd...a broken heart. Never again. Carlotta would have a fit if she saw Tea now...all cold and detached. She'd probably advise her to "talk to someone," take some time for herself...blah...blah...blah. Whatever. Life was too short to "take a little break." Had to keep moving.
There was still that part...that little part...that held out some hope for true love. She would sit in front of the television for hours watching love stories...daydreaming of how that sensation would feel. She built a collection of love stories...from "The Bridges of Madison County" to "The English Patient," they were all there. Somewhere along the way, she lost her ability to grieve for the star-crossed lovers. She would stare blankly at the screen, mouthing the lines along with the characters. But as far as crying the tears would not come. Perhaps her heart was too cold. Perhaps her wounds too deep. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.
The most difficult part about leaving Llanview...was saying goodbye to Starr. Occasionally she would think of the young girl, and the last conversation that they had before she left town.
Blair...feeling giddy or something...agreed to let Starr and Tea spend the day together. Starr was so excited...it was their first full day of doing "girl stuff" since Todd had left.
Tea had the entire day planned. First, they would go clothes and toy shopping. Lunch would be at Carlotta's. A movie. A walk through the park and then back to the penthouse for "the talk."
Starr was an angel the entire day. She kissed and cuddled with "Tee," as if she knew they would never see each other again. She spoke of Todd often...missing him and loving him. One day he was coming back for her, she declared with a confidence far to great for such a young child.
She called out for Todd when they arrived at the penthouse. She thought that he was going to surprise her and be there waiting. Tea tried to explain that he loved and missed her very much, but he needed to "work some things out." It seemed to satisfy Starr...for the time being.
"Sweetie, I need to talk to you about something." Starr climbs onto her lap, stroking her hair.
"Tee, you look sad."
"Well, I am sad...a little."
"You miss daddy?"
"Yes I do miss your daddy."
Starr kisses her cheek and wraps her arms around her neck. "Daddy loves you, just like he loves me."
Tea closes her eyes and buries her head in Starr's hair. "Starr, you know I love you."
"I love you too Tee."
She smiles, blinking back tears. "Sweetie, I'm going to be moving away."
"You mean you're gonna find daddy?"
"No, sweetie."
"You're gonna find a new house? When you moved out one time...Daddy said the house was empty without you. Is that why you're moving...is the house empty without me and daddy?"
"The house is empty without you and your daddy...but that's not why I'm leaving."
"Don't leave me Tee!" She starts crying and squeezes her arms tighter around Tea's neck.
"Shh...shh...shh. I'll come back and visit you...and you can call me anytime you want. I love you so much Starr," she sniffles.
"Everybody leaves me...daddy...you...mommy leaves all the time."
"Everybody leaves me too."
She downed the rest of her martini, and slid down the edge of the barstool. A feeling of wooziness overcame her, as if the ground is moving beneath her feet. She reached her hand out to the stool, to brace herself, but her hand is met with the feel of warm flesh.
"Woah...steady there."
"Uh...thanks. I just got...a little...dizzy." Her eyes traveled the length of the tall stranger...starting with his black leather boots...up to his black jeans...farther to his Cooji sweater...and finally to his scruffy beard. His wavy jet-black hair was tapered at the neck, but his sideburns met the beginning of a day-old beard.
"Why don't you sit back down for awhile." He gave her his brightest smile, one that made his deep dimples even more noticeable.
"I really should get going. Thanks again."
"Sure." He turns completely around, watching her switch toward the door.
*****
Tea's Penthouse
She twisted her aching body away from the beaming light, burning a hole into her head. She usually had enough sense to stop drinking...before she was actually drunk...drinking just enough to numb her mind. She feels the cold satin sheets on the other side of the bed, as she sweeps the extra pillow under her arm.
It was difficult waking up...day after day...without anyone to hold...or anyone to hold her. Annoying too at least she didn't have the trouble of dealing with another person...day in and day out. Damned if you do...damned if you don't.
"Damn," she muttered under her breath, looking at the clock. In twenty more minutes, five a.m. her alarm would start beeping, and it would be time to start the day's routine...yet again. So monotonous was her life. So predictable. So comfortable. Sobering.
"Might as well get up now."
*****
Local Gym
The gym was fairly empty for that time of morning, for which, she was very grateful. Nothing like having a peaceful workout, without everyone begging for free legal advice or simply trying to engage in "small talk." They were all just being nosy.
Her towel dangled from the treadmill, tangled in the cord from her headphones. This was her least favorite part of working out...the cardiovascular. She didn't see the point of doing cardio...what good would it do the heart if it was already broken? It was something that the so-called experts had said "was a necessary part of a well-rounded workout"...so she grudgingly and dutifully ran at least seven miles a day.
Weight lifting she enjoyed. Something about lifting all that weight and dropping it back on top of the pile of lead. Something about hearing that sound. Something about pushing her body that extra mile to do just one more rep or add another five pounds. It was empowering...uplifting...invigorating.
After all was said and done...after a complete physical workout...she meditated. It was not necessarily something that she enjoyed...but rather a necessity. She had learned that her mind had to rest...either that or suffer from headaches that put her out of commission for at least a couple of hours. Meditating was something that she started right after she left Llanview. She had seen a couple of doctors about the headaches...had tests ran...the results were "negative." One suggested that she meditate daily and see if that stopped the pain in her head...it did.
*****
By eight, she was showered, dressed and ready for another day at the office. She drank coffee, read the paper, watched a little morning television before heading out to the office. The longer she waited, the less crowded the morning commute would be...the fewer people she would have to deal with.
She would get on the subway, sit in the back corner...clinging to her briefcase...looking down. No eye contact...it invited conversation. She stepped off the subway and started the five-block trek to her Manhattan office. A new day of clients, "memory checks," and lonely misery.
To Be Continued...
