*****

New York seemed the most appropriate place for Todd Manning after he left Llanview. It sure as hell was manic enough for his screwed up personality. Compared to some New Yorkers, she seemed...normal. A leopard didn't have to change its spots...he could blend in with his surroundings.

He never realized how screwed up he really was until he took that flight to New York and the crazy people that he thought he made up started talking to him. It was scary as hell. He got good and drunk on that flight. The flight attendant had tried to cut off his supply...he chased her away with an evil look and a growl. He staggered off the plane, hailed a cab and found a room at some seedy hotel.

One night was about all he could stand there. He woke up in the middle of the night, with the sneaky suspicion that something or some things were crawling all over his body. He had that "buggy" feeling that would only go away with a thorough scrubbing. He scratched his body all night long, and could have sworn he heard the tiny footsteps of a million cockroaches. First thing the next morning, he got his ass out of that hotel and into one that was more upscale.

He couldn't even consider buying something more permanent. He liked New York, especially Manhattan...but he didn't dare dream of making it his home. Home was back in Llanview..at the penthouse...with his daughter and wife. That was home. This place was nothing more than temporary lodging. Temporary. Seemed just about everything in his life had been temporary. Temporary marriages, temporary father, temporary happiness.

He had always thought of himself as a "tough guy," able to handle any and everything that the world threw at him. And he was for a while. That is, until Tea came along and saved him and broke him down and destroyed him.

She was the one. From that first meeting, looking into her eyes, he knew it. Something about her called to him...touched him. She was so damn smart and tough and fearless...just like him. She told it like it was...fuck tact...fuck game playing...she was completely honest. What a refreshing change from Blair.

He wanted to love her from the first moment he saw her, but he didn't think he was capable. So he fought himself...his head fought his heart...his heart won. And he loved her with everything that he was, but he fucked things up. One of the things he admired about her most, was her honesty. How ironic it was his dishonesty that took her from him. Everything just got so screwy...one lie lead to another...which lead to another...and so on. It really wasn't his intention to deceive everyone, but there wasn't any other way.

Trust...such a simple little word. He did trust her with his heart, but not when it came to saving his ass. He had to look at things realistically...he held fourteen people hostage...there was no way in hell that he would have been set free. Not without lying. Not without faking DID. Not without a little "insurance." Yeah, his "insurance policy" got him off, but he wasn't free...not really. Without her, he really didn't have a thing.

He deserved to be alone in the world. What did he have to offer anybody? He was nothing more than an emotional predator...feeding off of everyone around him... their souls...destroying them. He met his match with Tea though. She grabbed hold of his heart...loved him...but loved herself enough to let him go. She held up a mirror to him those last few minutes they were together...showing him what he had...what he was...and what he threw away.

"No use crying over spilled milk."

Long, lithe legs hung freely over the edge of the couch, crossed at the ankles. Crossed...uncrossed...crossed again. Restless. His thin, wiry frame extended the length of the couch, his neck rested on the arm.

He reached for his joint, taking a nice long drag...holding his breath...slowly swallowing. He watched the smoke as it as it left his body through his nose, forming unidentifiable shapes in the air...that would disappear just as quickly as they had appeared. It was a habit he formed shortly after leaving Llanview. In college, he experimented a little, for the most part, he was pretty clean. Had to be to play football. Now, he found that it helped quiet the voices he heard in his head. At least it took the pain away...temporarily. That, plus a few beers or a shot of tequila, or some vodka or all of the above. Basically, anything that could do a little "mind altering" was welcome.

It was fairly obvious that she didn't want to have anything to do with him. She had, after all, completely ignored the key that he had sent her. Threw it away...threw their future away.

Shit. He knew of her sexual escapades in the penthouse...Sicko...RJ. He wondered how she could do that...just sleep with a warm body. It didn't seem right for a woman to act that way...that was a guy thing. Hell, he did the same thing when he was in college, but that was different...he played football. He figured that she was just trying to get back at him for leaving her. A final "fuck you" to him. Fuck you too.

"How does that commercial go? Calgon, yeah calgon, take me away." He takes a swig from his forty-ounce bottle of Miller Genuine Draft...chasing it with a puff of marijuana. "Fuck you."

Like every night, he would fall asleep in the early morning hours, with the television tuned to ESPN...empty beer bottles laying all over the floor...butts overflowing in the ashtray spilling onto table.

The morning hours would pass without so much as a peep...it was so quiet. Too quiet to do anything other than sleep. By early afternoon, his dry mouth and hunger roused him from his peacefulness. He would reach for the nearest beer bottle, downing the access liquid he had dismissed the night before as being "back wash."

Half-eaten cartons of Chinese food...old pizza...leftovers from whatever else he could find mixed together, was breakfast or lunch. It was all going to the same place anyway...what difference did mixing it make? With tired eyes, he would force himself into the shower and let the steaming water pelt against him. Getting clean.

He drank too much...smoked too much dope...but he could hide all that under a layer of expensive clothes and an expensive pair of shoes. He hired a professional shopper to purchase a new wardrobe with the express instructions that everything be of a dark color...preferably black. Clothes hung well from his thin frame, and with his cocky walk, he exuded confidence. Instilled envy everywhere he went, as opposed to fear. Meticulously, he would transform himself into someone more "respectable," for a few hours anyway. He looked like a rich boy...tall and tanned...well built and well groomed...nothing better to do all day than read the newspaper and spend money frivolously. He wore his hair back in a ponytail, finding it easier to manage. Rrrod.

Killing time. That was a hard thing to do...dealing with time. Watching it pass without anyone to love or anyone to love him. Don't know what you got 'til it's gone. Time seemed like such a waste. Why couldn't it stay dark forever...everything was so much better at night. His kind roamed the streets, looking for their next source of trouble. Drinking. Drugging. Sexing...he didn't do that part though. The drinking and the drugging took care of any urges he may have had. Besides, there was only one woman who could satisfy any and every need that he had.

*****

The elevator stopped on the seventh floor before continuing its journey downward. To the real world...to hell. A leggy, blond haired woman stepped on, eyeing Todd suspiciously, then lustfully.

"Hi."

He grumbled what passed for a greeting, not bothering to even look at her.

"I haven't seen you before. You live in the building?" She's used to men responding to her, wanting her. It is both a turn on and a challenge that she would love to accept.

"Yeah."

"I wonder why I haven't seen you before. A face as handsome as yours, I'm not likely to forget." She eased closer to him, brushing her arm against his.

"Mmm."

"The Divine Ms. M." She laughed at her own joke and extended her hand toward him...palm down...anticipating his bringing it to his lips...allowing them to linger on her skin.

He looked at her hand, strangely, and said nothing; ignoring her gesture. The elevator doors opened, he quickly exited before the annoying woman could annoy him further.

"Hey," she called after him.

He turned around. "What?!"

"You want to go out sometime?"

"No." He walked away, leaving her standing in the middle of the lobby with her hands on her hips.

"Bastard," she whispers under her breath, both pissed and intrigued...making a mental note to "run into" him again.

*****

Monthly, he would go to FAO Schwartz to purchase toys for Starr. It was the only way she knew he was alright...his care packages filled with toys and a letter. He tried to reassure her with every letter that his leaving was not her fault. He just needed some time to get himself together...to be a better father to her. It was a cop out, but she didn't have to know that.

What a lousy father he turned out to be. Just shy of being as bad of a father as Peter Manning. Spent so much time away from home, in jail, or running away, she probably hated him even before he left. If not, she certainly did now. He blew it, just like everything else in his life. Shorty was now like him...like Tea...abandoned by a parent...feeling responsible for something she had no control over. Well, at least she had the letters...if Blair even bothered to read them to her. She was so unpredictable...there was really no telling what she would and would not do.

He would go back...someday. Soon probably not...eventually...yeah. He fought through the crowd, pushing...nudging...until he reached the cash register. When he pulled out his credit card here...there were not awkward stares. His money spent the same as everyone else's. Nobody paid any attention...just cashed him out and moved on to the next customer.

*****

He had a post office box that he used as a return address...as a permanent address. Every few days or so, he checked it, most of the time finding it empty. Well, not always empty. There was that time that he left a love letter, a diamond bracelet and a single peach rose for Tea...he sent her the key expecting her to find it pretty quickly. She was smart.

Dear Tea,

I know I really messed up with you, but you gotta understand where I was coming from. I was trapped...either spend the rest of my life in jail...which was not an option...or think of another way out. Everybody in that town hated me...there was no way I was going to get off. I couldn't stand the thought of being without you or Shorty for the rest of my life. I would have died without you guys.

Tea, I tried to love you...and I did...the best way that I knew how. I trusted you, more than I have trusted anyone in my life...but you gotta understand what I was going through. I was fighting for my life...either way, I was going to lose you.

I know now how much you loved me...how much you sacrificed for me. God, I put you through so much, but you still stood by me. I am so sorry for all the pain that I caused you. I didn't see any other way out...so I came up with the DID scheme. But you know, Rod and Tom...they gave me the chance to say and do the things I couldn't as Todd.

I could touch you and hold you and kiss you. I would have made love to you as Rod. I was free to love you the way that you deserve. I could have been everything that you needed me to be...everything.

It hurts so much to be without you. I could talk to you about Peter...whatever...you just listened. And you would talk to me like I was somebody. You were always "there" for me and I always managed to let you down. Tea I can't even breathe without you...you are everything to me.

I need you to look at me the way that only you can. Sometimes you would just look at me a certain way, and I'd fall in love with you all over again. You have the most beautiful eyes...you know that? They're so bright...can light up a room or break my heart. I hated making you cry...seeing your eyes filled with so much pain because of me.

You would touch me, so soft...like you were afraid of hurting me. But I was always afraid of hurting you. God, I loved that feeling of being so near you...I was so scared, Tea. You don't know how screwed up that intimacy stuff is for me.

I had so many dreams for us. I wanted the big house...two car garage...white picket fence...the cocker spaniel...and Starr living with us. I wanted us to have kids of our own...lots of 'em. I wanted to fall asleep next to you or holding you or whatever. You chase the nightmares away Tea. You make everything better.

After everything that I did to you...I really have no right to ask you for anything. But what else is there to lose? I lost you...Starr...the paper...I lost it all. Tea, will you forgive me? I am nothing without you. Please, give me another chance. No lies this time...I promise.

I love you so much.

Todd

Several wilted peach roses later, it was apparent that she didn't care. Who could blame her? Nobody cared about him anymoreit was like he no longer existed.

*****

The world seemed to pass by so quickly. In New York at least. It suited him just fine, the quicker the day was over, the quicker the night would come, booze and weed awaited him to take him away. Got high just thinking about lighting his savior. Breathing deeply, he imagined his taste...imagined the sensation it caused traveling through his nostril, wrapping around his brain. Ahhh.

"You gonna order or what, I don't got all day?"

He didn't know how long the waitress had been standing in front of him...tapping her foot...holding her order pad on one hand and pencil in the other.

"Uh, yeah...gimmee...uh...ham sandwich and...uh...orange soda."

"Yeah." She shuffles away, bad attitude and all. Gotta love New York.

The Sun had turned into an absolute disgrace...just like the Banner. Yet he read each one faithfully. Leave it to Kelly Cramer to run a perfectly good paper straight into the ground. Those goddamn loonies can't do a damn thing right.

He searched specifically for any mention of Tea's name. The last time he saw her name in print, she had resigned as Assistant District Attorney. It weighed heavily on his mind...the not knowing. She had been a regular in the Society column: FORMER WIFE OF CONVICTED RAPIST, ATTORNEY WHO HELPED FREE TODD MANNING, FIVE MILLION DOLLAR EX-WIFE OF TODD MANNING, DUPED BY HER FORMER HUSBAND AND CLIENT. There was nothing on her recently...it was like she just...vanished.