*****

It was late. Tea remained locked within the confines of her office…work, interspersed with imaginings of Todd. The last time she had felt so lost in life, so incapable of doing anything right, was when he left her, their wedding day. She had come a long way since then, within 24 hours she reverted to that same woman. Judging herself more harshly than any jury of sexist, racist, conservatives.

It was too quiet. The clock on her desk ticked away; another minute of her life, one that could never be repeated. Ever since she was a child, she had a fascination with time…the passage of. Each second that passed from her childhood clocks, brought her closer to the life she always wanted, the life enclosed in the penthouse apartment. She wore a watch, Velcro; digital, purchased with her own money. She would go around her neighborhood, collecting empty bottles and cans, fighting with the homeless for those precious cents. That watch meant the world to her, though it was nothing compared to the Movado's and Rolex's that the kids in her building wore. In time, she knew she would have a watch just as flashy and expensive as theirs.

Her eyes traveled to her wrist, looking at the watch that Todd had given her. Todd didn't know that she had kept it after all the time they had been apart. He thought it was irreparable after his bird had broken it. She had found an old watch shop, where a man was able to put it back together, "good as new." It did not adorn her wrist often, as she found it to be a too painful reminder of what was.

Tea had picked up the phone at least a thousand times, with the intention of calling Viki. A thousand times, she had hung up the receiver, just before she pressed the last number. How could she tell Viki she had seen Todd? How could she tell her that he was sickly thin? How could she tell her he was as lonely and as sad as he had ever been? How could she prevent her own concern for him from creeping into her voice? Viki had that perception thing down pat, not too much slipped past her.

How can I do this? How am I supposed to make this call to her? Shit, I should have at least gotten his phone number. What if something goes wrong? Nice going Delgado…can't you do anything right? Fuck it, I'll just tell her what I know…whatever else, she can find out on her own. Let him be someone else's problem for once.

She dialed Viki's cell phone, rehearsing the conversation in her head. Keep it quick and casual.

"Hello?" Viki answered.

"Viki, it's Tea." She shuffled the papers on her desk, making it sound as if she was actually busy.

"Oh Tea, how are you?"

"I'm fine. You?"

"Good. To what do I owe this phone call?"

Tea took a deep breath, several in fact. You can do this. You can do this. Just tell her and be done with it. "Um, I saw Todd."

"What?" It was Viki's turn to sound concerned. Her heart had been heavy with worry for him, especially over the last few weeks. Something inside of her was telling her that he needed his family.

"We ran into each other the other night." Her eyes filled with tears as she struggled to maintain her composure. She had missed him so much, and like a fantastic dream, he appeared in her life again. But the dream didn't end the way she wanted, he was gone; again.

"How is he?"

"Well, he's alive."

"Alive? Just alive?"

"Viki, he has a medical condition, but he'll be fine."

"Medical condition?"

Tea can hear the panic in Viki's voice, mirroring her own. "He said he has ulcers." She could not hold back any longer, could not hold back the feelings of uneasiness. The words rolled off of her tongue before she had time to stop them. She told Viki everything, from his drunkenness, to her overall "grim" appearance. "Pale and thin" she described him. "Empty," she said.

*****

There are two of us to worry now, and neither of us can do a damn thing about it. Damn you Todd Manning for worming your way under my skin. Damn you for not telling me where to find you.

In her office, at night, with the lights out, she looked at the city below…spreading miles and miles into infinity. Wish someone would shed a little light in my heart. Wish someone would just take him out of my heart…cut him out…free me. Her love for him was just like that city, far-reaching…never-ending…limitless. Damn!

Looking out into the city, she envisioned the lives that were lead inside of the apartments, brownstones, penthouses. Mothers cooked dinner, daughters set the table, fathers watched sports, sons played video games. They had it so easy. She was locked inside of her dark office, with her dark soul, pining away for a man who had given her nothing but grief.

*****

The park was empty, as were most of the New York streets. Sane people were inside, where it was warm and safe and dry. Tea didn't want to walk through the doors of her home and be greeted with the harsh silence.

She walked along the snow-covered sidewalks, her hands wrapped tightly around her cappuccino. She had to "high step" through the inches of white powder, soaking through to her stockinged feet. She couldn't feel her them, or anything else for that matter.

It was dangerous for a woman to walk alone in the park, at night, not giving a damn. If someone attacked her, they'd just attack her, she didn't give a fuck. No one who gave a fuck about anything would be out in eight inches of snow, in sub-zero degree weather, drinking cappuccino in the park.

Sometimes, she thought she would go crazy from the intense loneliness. Kept waiting for the little men to come and carry her off, in a straight jacket, locking her up from emotional injuries suffered from a broken heart. She half expected to die from a broken heart…Ophelia did, why couldn't she? It probably would have been easier; at least she wouldn't have to deal with her feelings.

That was Todd's thing…death. He was the one that always wanted to die, even though he was loved. He was the one that threatened to kill himself, or wanted someone to kill him so he wouldn't have to "deal." She was the one that tried to save him from his worst enemy…himself.

She chuckled at the irony. Todd was his worst enemy...I am my own. Guess we're more alike than I thought. Twin tortured souls.

Maybe if I stay out in the snow long enough, it will baptize me with its cleanliness. Maybe it'll bury me in its whiteness; wash my sins clear away. What the hell am I doing? I did not work this hard to get this far in life, only to throw it away for some man.

*****

Tea's Penthouse

The bone chilling cold of the outside followed her into the penthouse. Only, it was a different kind of cold…a soulful cold. She stood at the door, remembering how Todd had been there not long ago. Maybe he left something behind, she thought. She retraced the very paths that he walked, in hopes of finding something, anything that he may have left behind.

Starr's bed was still a little wrinkled from where his body lay. Her perfume bottles were slightly out of alignment. The dish that he used was still in the sink. There were so many reminders…his presence still filled the air.

Shit!

The bathroom filled with steam as she filled the Jacuzzi with hot water. That was when she saw a note taped to the mirror. Snatching it off the mirror, she took a deep breath before opening it.

Tea,

Thanks for what you did last night. I'm sorry if I screwed things up for you and that guy…well, not really. Don't worry about me, okay? You've already worried too much about me.

Be happy Tea, that's all I want for you. I wish I could be the one to give that to you, but I can't

Take care.

Love,

Todd

"Love, Todd? Why the fuck couldn't you love me then, huh? You must be losing your touch Manning, writing letters? You can't even lie to my face anymore." She crumbled up the letter and threw it in the trash, instantly regretting it. Fishing it out of the garbage can, she spotted his towel and washcloth, bunched up in the corner. Just like old times.

*****

Tea lay in bed, sleeping more soundly than she had in weeks, maybe even months. She dreamed peaceful dreams. Slept with a slight grin.

She was a spectator, an intruder in her own dream. No sound…in black and white, not color…slow motion. Too far away to read their lips, close enough to read their movements.

They were on some type of vacation; it looked just like the Bayberry Inn. Wherever they were, it was obvious that he didn't want to be there. She could tell he was fussing about something, but it didn't bother her. She would just touch him, his shoulder, his hair, lay hands on him and he would instantly calm down. Fighting himself, he would smile at the slightest meeting of their skin.

He was very relaxed, letting her do anything to him that she wanted. Whether it was a small peck on the lips, or a deeply sensual meeting of the tongues, he didn't mind. He responded eagerly, gently touching her back.

They sat in the middle of the bed, playing a wild game of slapjack. She had a large pile of cards, while his pile was minimal. Neither one of them cared, it wasn't about winning or losing, it was about bonding. They were laughing, both of them. Todd was cheating. When he thought she wasn't paying attention, he snuck a peak at his next card. He did this thing with his eyes whenever he was about to throw down a jack. Tea read him like a book, saw it in his face whenever he thought he was going to pull one over on her. He couldn't figure out how she always knew; she wouldn't tell her secret.

The last card on his pile was a jack; she slapped her hand down on top of it, his hand slapped on top of hers. He didn't let go, just held her hand, and her gaze. He lifted it to his lips, softly kissing her palm, then her fingers, each one individually. He took it into his hands, massaging every joint, every muscle, every inch. Lifting it to his mouth every once in a while, kissing her.

*****

The next morning, she awoke feeling very rested. At peace even. She had been haunted by nightmares for months, but finally she had something good seeping into her subconscious. It was sad, in a way, knowing that she would never feel that sort of happiness that she experienced in the dream. If only she could always have dreams like that, she would stay asleep forever.

The reality hit her in the heart like a sledgehammer. There would never be happiness like that for someone like her. She didn't deserve it. Didn't particularly want considering the darkness that always comes with the light. She would rather reside in the darkness; wallow in the familiar.

Happiness had its perks too, but they were too few and too far in between. What she wouldn't give for one more day, one more hour of that feeling of completeness. Get real, Delgado, it's not for you. When you're happy, you get all sloppy and stupid; it's not worth it.

Her smile quickly faded as she brought herself back to the reality of what was her life. She was supposed to work, make money, have what passes for fun, that's it. It was more than some people got, so she should be grateful. Sighing loudly, she crawled out of bed to begin her day.

*****

She had forgotten to check the messages the night before. She meant to check them after her bath, but she was too distracted by Todd's letter.

Beep.

"Tea, it's Viki. I just wanted to let you know I have hired an investigator to find Todd."

Erase. "Uh uh, I'm not getting sucked backed into that mess."

Beep.

"It's Carlotta. I've been trying to get in touch with you for days. I'm started to get worried, please call me as soon as you get this message. Okay, bye."

Erase. "Shit."

Beep.

"Tea, it's me." Her heart skipped a beat at the sound of Todd's voice. "I just wanted to make sure you made it home okay. I'm…not…I'm not tryin' to bug you. I just…ah…whatever. I won't…bother…you anymore. Um, if you want…you can…you know…call me. Um…my number…my number is…212"

Beep. "What? What? Goddamnit!!" She picked up the machine and threw it against the floor. "Fuck!" Remembering that she had caller i.d. she ran to her bedroom to check the display. She scrolled through the numbers, his was listed as "private."

"Figures."

*****

Tea spent the entire day trying to forget what she was feeling. Part of being a good lawyer was having an excellent memory, it was a blessing and on days like this, it was a curse. The only thing her mind would allow her to think about was Todd.

He wasn't right. He wasn't alright. Tea sensed from the first moment she saw him at the bar. He dressed himself up, showered, combed his hair, to anyone else but her he would have been a perfectly healthy, normal, sexy man. She could see beyond that exterior of normalcy. At the time, she chose to ignore it. In reflection, it was the wrong thing to do. Now, she would have to live with ignoring his not so obvious cry for help.

His problems ran deeper than what he told her. Still trying to protect me, huh Manning? He was worse off emotionally than she had ever seen him. Worse than the time he hit her. Worse than their wedding day when all hell broke lose. She feared for his life.

She could practically see him with the gun in his hand, fondling the trigger. Running his hand up and down the muzzle of the cold metal, closing his eyes at its sheer power. He could do it, her heart told her that. He would load each bullet, one by one, examining it, pushing it into its hole. He might only load one in there, spin the cylinder, point the barrel toward his head and playing a little game.

Round and round she goes, where it lands, nobody knows.

He would click and click, until the bullet was discharged. The police would come knocking on her door at some odd hour of the night, holding their caps in their hands.

"I'm sorry," they would say. "He's gone. We need you to come down and identify the body."

She wouldn't have to see his body to know it was him. She would feel it. She would feel a sharp pain piercing her head, followed by an even sharper pain in her heart. That happened to people who were as "connected" as she and Todd.

"But ma'am, we need you to make a positive identification."

She would put on the face of indifference, the one that she always wore when it came to him. They would escort her into the morgue, preparing her for what she would see. They would open the door into the cold room where the bodies were stored, leading her to the correct slab.

"You ready?"

She would nod, and the coroner would remove the white sheet. She would be the tough ex-wife, "It's him," she would say. The coroner would lift the sheet back over his head, but she would stop him.

Everyone would step back from her, allowing her a "moment." Her fingers would trace his face, feel his hair one last time. Note that even in death, his face does not register the slightest bit of peace. "Okay."

The police would lead her out of the coldness of the room, into the coldness of the world. Again, they would offer their condolences and leave her to her own devices. As soon as she was alone, the tears would flow and maybe they would never stop.

She would blame herself. Starr would blame her. Viki would blame her. Half the world would be glad to be rid of him. Most of the world would be glad to be rid of him. Those that loved him, would never recover. A part of them would die right along with him. Loving Todd was not easy, or rational , but it was forever. It was the kind of love that got "into" you, and no matter how hard you tried to banish it from your soul, it would not disappear or diminish. If anything, it grew stronger.

She could picture herself as an old, miserable woman, as opposed to the younger variety, still pining away for the lost love. She would be the real life version of the old woman in "Titanic." Her grandchildren would gather around her, listening to "Grandma" tell them the story of her love.