Tea walked around the suite like a caged animal, pacing back and forth on. the hard wood floor. It was a habit she had formed, a nervous habit, a way to exorcise the pressure cooker tension that build up in her body. From her neck down, she felt as stiff as if someone took a sledgehammer and beat it rhythmically against her body.

A part of her wanted to get home to the bitter New York life where she felt at least somewhat more comfortable. There, she could hide amongst the masses, or inside her office, or inside herself and the self-absorbed would be none the wiser. It was more than that though. She could be near her roots; the life she had run from full speed, and somehow returned to because it was what she deserved. Another part of her wanted to stay away forever, flee the awful memories of the city.

That basement apartment, whose walls held steady despite the floors and floors of pressure from other apartments, despite the tons of cement, the superior attitudes, the garbage, it held steady beneath all of that. Didn't buckle, didn't crack, bonded together strongly…just like her. Supported the weight of the world on her shoulders her whole life, felt every bit of the pain and agony, yet she did not break.

She hadn't been back to that apartment since shortly after she lost her baby. Didn't want to open her old bedroom door, for behind it lie many of her secrets. There was surprise in that the door didn't explode from the weight of all it held inside. Her only day home from the hospital, a day when she knew her father wasn't going to be anywhere near the place, was a walking "daymare," that turned into an unbearable nightmare. Everywhere she turned, she saw her mother's image or her father's fist, both within inches of her face. Even Del couldn't make the pain go away. Told her she needed to get away from there. She said she was haunted. He held a crucifix to the sky and proclaimed the place rid of all "demons." She said they would never go, but she had to…forever.

Her father hadn't said anything when he found out she had left. No pitiful conversation about how she needed to be "the woman" in the family like he'd said a thousand times before. Not even a "good luck in your future." Rarely had she spoken to him, never really had the urge except on those rare occasions where she would spot a father and daughter who looked more like best friends than anything else. It was during those times, where she wondered where he was and if there was the slightest chance they could repair the damage that had been done. In her heart, she knew it was not possible, and her thoughts would drift back his fist making crashing into her skin time and time again.

Her memories were often the noose around her neck. Paralyzing they could be. At the same time, they could push her faster and harder than anything else. She stopped pacing, pressed her hands together and said a little prayer. She was prone to things like that, sudden prayers or conversations with whoever it was in the sky that was the Creator. The art of prayer was something that her mother taught her; to pray was to have power. She prayed so little, it was no wonder she felt powerless and spiraling out of control. Mostly, when she prayed, it was for someone else.

For most of her vacation, she had been without her cell phone. She had turned it off, mistakenly believing she could isolate herself from her life back in New York and allow herself the luxury of having a little fun. Left her pager behind too, telling Caitlin to call at the hotel only if it was an emergency. Anything else would have to wait.

She had neglected her messages, dreaded them really. She knew the moment she checked them, reality would come stumbling in with brutal force, snapping her back to the world which she wanted to flee if only for a week. Then, there was that part, that workaholic "need to fix everything" part that needed to get back to the unhappy life she led far from the island of Jamaica. With pen in hand, she dialed her voice mail number, knowing that her vacation was probably over as soon as she retrieved the first message. She hung up quickly, deciding she needed more time before she could listen.

*****

New York
Todd's Apartment

It felt a little strange, getting out of the hospital so soon. Not that he wasn't ready; it's just that he felt like a stranger in his own place. Things were different, or maybe they were the same and he was different. Viki had straightened up and rearranged and added her little "touches" throughout, but nothing came close to feeling anything remotely like a home.

She had tried talking to him about his "lifestyle," but ultimately, they both knew he would do exactly what he wanted, which was always the opposite of what he should do. He couldn't explain how a little puff here and there made him feel like he was worth something. Couldn't explain how he could revel in the warmth it brought to his body and the smile living in his fantasy would bring to his face. Viki didn't know anything about what it was like to be completely alone with no family, no friends, and no love in her life. All she could do was nod her head and say "I know…I know," over and over, until she even began to believe she understood.

As he stepped over the threshold, once again, he found himself under a dark cloud. Like a curtain had just closed shut in front of him and all he could feel was a dark, bitter cold. He froze in mid-step, afraid of what "ghosts" took over while he was gone. Would they wait for him? Would they haunt him as soon as he entered? Would they wait until he closed his eyes to descend? They always waited for his guard to slip before pouncing on him. Then Peter, Marty, Blair, they would all wait take their turns in his mind, beating him into exhaustion.

Viki, who had been walking in front of him, turned when she no longer heard the echo of his footsteps behind him. Looked at him for a second, trying to read his thoughts. What she saw was absolute terror in his eyes, masked by that nonchalant grin he had mastered. She reached out her hand to him; he swiped it away.

"I'm a big boy. I don't need anyone to hold my hand," he grumbled, relaxing his foot against the ground and heading toward his favorite spot on the couch.

"You know, you could try to be a little nicer. All that meanness is going to take its toll."

"Good," he spat. He switched on the television, and flipped channels, simply to annoy her. He kept his finger on the "Channel Up" button, going past the same channel over and over again, keeping one eye on her.

Growing tired of his own game, he flipped off the set and picked up one of the newspapers that were stacked on the coffee table. Those familiar urges began to come back, he wanted to be drunk, or high, or something. Wanted to feel numb. The doctors at the hospital didn't understand that as they tried to talk him into going into treatment. He knew what they would do. They would tell him it was for nothing more than a "substance abuse center," but they'd make him talk to a shrink and spill his guts. They would treat him like a child, cheering for the dumbest things, like one-week sobriety. He would room with some nut that was even crazier than he, and listen to their story of how they had a perfect life when it all started to spin out of control. Then, they would mistake him for their best friend, and cling to him for his entire stay. Once he did his time, they would call him into a room and decide that he needed to stay just a little bit longer for "observation." He knew the way they worked, and he wasn't falling for it.

He suddenly remembered that Viki said Tea had left messages. What he needed to hear was her voice. The deep smooth silkiness of it had a power of him like a million milligrams of muscle relaxer could not even begin to approach. He needed a dose of her cool calmness. He spotted the phone on its base, grabbed it and closed himself up in his bedroom. For someone that never prayed, he said a couple that her messages were left untouched. He closed his eyes as he waited to be prompted for his security code. Let out a soft sigh when the "you have seven new messages" played into his ear. One by one he listened to them, growing frustrated when the voice on the other end did not belong to her. The last three unmistakably belonged to her. He listened for meanings that only his ear could detect. From her pauses, to her sighs, to her hand twirling in the air searching for the right words, he heard them all. He listened for traces of love, and something to grab onto, a little something to help him make it through the night.

His need for her surprised him. Without his even having realized it, she had become as necessary to him as breath, and even though time and distance separated them, that need was as strong as ever. He replayed the messages time and time again, until he had them memorized.

*****

Jamaica
A Restaurant

Tea looked around the gaudily decorated restaurant, observing the people as they enjoyed their spicy dinner and their companions, envious of their ability to simply "let go." She wasn't like them, couldn't enjoy the atmosphere around her without having thoughts of this or that sneak into her mind. She closed her eyes more than once, shaking thoughts from her head as she waited for Del and Roseanne to join her.

Looking beautiful had always been a way to lift her from her blues. Even when she was a child, a pretty dress, nice hairdo and a hint of lipstick could work wonders. As an adult, the more expensive her ensemble, the more a part of society she felt. Race wasn't an issue as she entered into a room and heard it drop silent and a sense of awe fill the air. It was her charismatic power that made them stop in mid-sentence, and her outward confidence that made them want to surround her. Those were the times she relished most.

She had chosen a red dress, cinched at the waist, looser as it hung to her knees. People told her she looked good in red, could stop traffic if and when she decided to. She wore her hair pinned back, as it was in that in-between stage where there was not much she could do with it. Her choice of earrings, a pair of diamonds Todd purchased, were one of her most prized possessions. If he couldn't be with her, at least a piece of him could be there. She also wore a Movado watch and a diamond bracelet that he bought as gifts to her.

She must have had on ten thousand dollars worth of jewelry. A smile crossed her lips as she thought of how nervous he had been when he gave them to her. The earrings, he gave to her when she got out of the hospital after being thrown through the window. He presented her with the bracelet one night, during a quiet dinner at home. It was a surprise when she walked into the penthouse to be greeted with some of that "salsa music" she liked so much, and the scent of gourmet food.

"Um, I got you something, but you gotta promise not to cry or else I'll take it back to the store."

She grinned at him from across the table, anxious to receive her gift. One thing she had learned is that in spite of his protestations to the contrary, he took great care in selecting presents for people, and they were always from the heart. It was often easier to decipher his feelings from the gifts he would give, than from his actions.

"I'm serious. I don't want you cryin' all over the table the way you do…letting that black stuff run down your face."

"I promise, now would you give me my present?"

He reached into his pocked and withdrew a beautiful wrapped jewelry box, thrusting it in her direction. He avoided her eyes as she slowly unwrapped the box. "Look, will you tear it open all ready? It's not like you're gonna use the paper again."

Still grinning, she tore into the paper, flipped open the box and gasped as the glare of the diamonds smacked her in the face. "Oh Todd," she whispered.

"Don't you start cryin', you made a promise to me Delgado. And put your eyes back in your head, you act like you've never seen diamonds before."

"It's stunning."

"Well, you know, girls like jewelry, so, you know…whatever."

She twisted the seldom worn bracelet around her wrist, admiring the reflection the diamonds made against the table. She remembered how she tried so hard not to cry that night, and how hard it was to keep herself from flinging her arms around him. All she could do was choke out a whispered "thank you," and a louder, "I love you so much." That was all he would accept. She was still staring at it when her dinner companions arrived.

"Hey there, baby." She pulled her eyes away from her diamonds and into the face of her big brother. He looked very handsome, dressed in loose white slacks and a loose fitting crème colored shirt. He didn't dress up often, but when he did, he looked good.

"Hey," she said, kissing him on the cheek.

"Hi, Tea." Roseanne sat down at the table, immediately reaching for Tea's wrist. "My God…Tea, that's beautiful. How come I've never seen you wear it?"

Tea again looked down at the diamond bracelet that adorned her left wrist. Sadly smiling, "I don't wear it often. It was a gift from Todd."

An awkward silence filled the air. Del finally spoke up, mumbling something about placing their order. He could see how upset she was, and how hard she was trying to hold everything together. He would never understand how someone like Todd Manning could inspire such loyalty from anyone, especially someone as smart as Tea. What surprised him even more was the depth of that love, something he knew time nor distance could ever touch. That love was more like a curse to her, eating away at her insides, tearing her apart.

Dinner was quiet. The mention of "Todd's" name seemed to hang a dark veil over the table. Roseanne noticed how Tea would look down at her bracelet, or her watch, or fiddle with her earrings every now and then, figuring they were all gifts from Todd. There was a time she thought Tea was absolutely nuts for letting Todd put her through so many changes. It wasn't until she fell in love with Christian that she understood. As much as she hurt for Christian, at least she would always have a part of him. Their child would be a "forever" bond, but Tea didn't have that. She had little tokens, like her jewelry that she guarded as if they were the crown jewels. For once, she wanted to reach out and hug her, squeeze her the way only another brokenhearted woman could understand.

The ringing of a cell phone interrupted the silence. Tea reached into her purse to retrieve hers, checking the caller I.D. before she answered. She grinned inwardly, and answered.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Tea," Todd responded. He was so nervous, but he couldn't keep himself from calling. If only for a few seconds, a few minutes, a few hours…he had to hear her voice.

She held up her finger to Del and Roseanne, mouthing, "I'll be right back," and leaving the table. She walked out into the lobby and sat in a chair in the corner. "Hey. I've been trying to reach you. How are you?"

"You know, the usual."

"Uh huh. I was a little worried when you didn't return my phone calls." She leaned back in the chair, closed her eyes and let his voice fill her heart. He spoke so softly, like he was afraid his words would break her.

"Yeah, you know, I haven't been around." He lay down in his bed, closed his eyes and listened to her breathe. He liked listening to her breathe, it let him know he wasn't dreaming.

"Yeah. But you're okay?"

He wanted to be honest and tell her what happened, that's the way their relationship started off, but she'd hate him if she knew the truth. Or he could have manipulated the situation and made her come back to take care of him. He had already done too much manipulation of her, and his conscience couldn't allow him to use this. So he evaded. "I'm me."

"That doesn't tell me much."

"Where are you?"

"I'm actually on a little vacation, can you believe it?"

"I didn't think anyone could drag you away from your law books," he joked, secretly wondering who she was vacationing with.

"Go figure. Anyway, I'm in Jamaica."

He froze. Jamaica. He had wanted to be the man to take her there, and so many other places. But Jamaica was where he planned on taking her for their honeymoon. Had the jet fueled, and gave instructions to the pilot to meet them at the airport early, the day after their wedding. He even went shopping and bought her clothes for the trip. In one of his drawers, in the very back, he hid the bikini and sexy nightie he had planned to give her. Cradling the phone between his shoulder and ear, he thought of what should have been.