I'm at freakin school and I just ruined my life
Mood:  loud
Topic: pouring my guts out
Oh my goodness alive. I'm at school right, ok so here's the story. Last night I was supposed to work on a Human Anatomy project with Sal but I forgot because I went to spend the night at Jade's house. So he calls me up and cusses me out for it and I was all "i'll take care of it ok???!" So I woke up late at Jade's (like 8:15) and I begged and begged her to wait until first period was over for us to go to school. So we drove around and did absolutely nothing just so we wouldn't have to present the project that wasn't finished. Then I get to school before 2nd period and I see Sal, and I try to tell him what we did. But he just keeps walking and what even talk to me! then in third period I went in construction and told him i had to talk to him. Well he was all I don't want to talk to you bitch. So I broke down and started crying and told Mr. Thomason I had to find jade. I met her half way to her classroom and she came down to auto and comforted me. Then I told her I wanted to cut myself so bad but I wasn't going to I just wanted to SOOOO BAD. Well someone told mr. t that i said that and he called mr. cummings (counslre) down there and made me go to his office to tlak to him. Well Mr. c told me to write down that i wouldn't cut myself ever again and date it and sign it. well i started writing and i just couldn't stop. I wrote two pages on everyhting i had ever done. hit cut burn scrathed, everyhting and i just couldnt stop. so i signed it and dated it and now they're going to call my parents and i have to get a physical and i'm scare to death because i have so much weed and drugs and alcohol in my system. My parents are going to kill me and send me to laurelwood and hate me for the rest of forever. They just don't understand I want the depression to go away so bad it just isnt fair. I'd rather be on meds than feel this way. I'm never ever doing drugs again. ever. I hate everything but my mommy and daddy i want to go home and let them just hold me for the rest of my life and i want to cry and just be ok. this is going to be my longest journal ever but i dont care. I'm letting everything out Im sick and tired of hurting and wanting to die and being sick to my stomach with depression. I hate it and no one listens no one believes me. no one will help me. why not though? why won't they take me serioulsy? Because I hide it so well thats why. I ignore the problem and just act like it isn't there. because thats what mommy does. anyways i better go i'm in fourth period and my teacher will be back any second. i love you self. because no one else does. please dont let me die.... i love you, ashley. -ASHLEY LORRAINE MCCORMACK i swing i slide

Where's m,y boyfriend???
Mood:  loud
Topic: hug me please
Well the other day when chris came out here to the airport, we climbed the tower. Then made out and fell in love... And I haven't heard from him since. I calle dhis g-parents and his g-pa fussed at me and told me never to call back again. He wasnt there obviously. Bridgette didn't know where he was either. So I went to Subway cause thats where he works and all, and they said he had the week off!! What the crap? I just hope I didn't do something to make him run away :( yea well Kayla is here so I'm gonna go and give her my undivided non-sexual attention. I'll write back later whenever I find him or hear something. I love you, self. bye

What to do...
Mood:  loud
Topic: pouring my guts out
I'm so weird... I'm bored with Sal, and I want Chris Taylor so bad right now it's driving me insane!! He called me last night and we talked for over an hour and we go way back and this is so incredibly hard. I mean I don't wnt to leave Sal, but yea... g2g be back later

Eat you alive...
Mood:  hug me
Topic: hug me please
Yea well I'd eat you alive... I love that song so much. I think when I get home I'll listen to it. Today was extremely weird. I had the deepest mood swings that i've had in a while. I almost forgot I had bpd until today. Jade is bipolar... aren't we just a fucked up circle of friends? I mean geez me, her and jade are just total freaks with major issues. Not like there's anything wrong with that I just love it. I also had a lot of boogers in my nose today, it sucked not being able to breathe. Oh and yesterday I started my period... DIE UTERUS DIE. I don't really want a baby anyways. I should get my tubes tied. Thats such a difficult process and not to mention expesive though. I'm so freakin a hungry. Anyways I don't have much to write today so this won't be the longest entry ever thats for sure. I'm 17 and I saw my first legal R rated movie. Saw. It was amazing. I loved it so much I still think about it and have flash backs. There's all these bloody gory excruciating painfully nasty things, and I got so tickled by it i just had to laugh. And the ending was just sooooo shocking. You had to love it. But I'll never tell!!! You'll just have to go see it yoursself. Hey maybe I was wrong this entry is startin to get pretty long... DAMN THE BOOGERS IN MY NOSTRALS!!! I hate it so much. But I refuse to pick my nose. I'll go blow it later. I can wait. Well I guess I'm going to go to Toccoa Falls with uncle Richie rich. He's visiting... I love you dear self with all my body and soul. ASHLEY

I'm so sorry my dear!!! FORGIVE ME!
Mood:  hug me
Topic: pouring my guts out
Ahh I have neglected you for so long, I didn't mean to. So I guess this entry must be a long one... I'm dating Sal now, I'm mad at Katelyn now, I hang out with Kayla now, and I might quit doing drugs. I thought I had a lot to say but I guess I didn't. Oh, Katelyn went back to being bulimic again. Hmm how delightful. At least I know she is when she eats, but she doesn't eat all that much anyways so yea. All she ever does is sit there and be depressed until someone feels sorry for her and pays her a ton of attention. It's absolutely ridiculous and repetative. So I started ignoring her a little, maybe she'll shut up and take a hint on her own. I'm not going to tell her she's driving me crazy because then she'll actually HAVE a reason to be depressed. Her and Sarah Ragsdale are so alike; they lie about themselves because they crave attention and love and they can't get it by being honest for some reason or another. Sarah still talks about Sal all the time. Always asking me if we're still together or if it's her turn with him yet. Stupid bitch needs to move on because even if we weren't dating she wouldn't have a chance in the world with him! I'm trying to get Kayla and Steven Hartwell to date. They both like each other, and they both do drugs a lot, so I figure 'why not?' right? I need a job so bad it's pitiful. I want to move out and get a life of my own without a parental figure breathing down my neck all the time. But I can't do that without a job now can I? no. Nor can i pay my $210.82 phone bill. How ridiculous. Why can't I just die or something easy?? JUST KIDDING So yea, job. Oh by the way, my 17th birthday is tomorrow. I love you, self. ASHLEY

I feel so BLAH... once again
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
If I had a dime for every time I felt this way in my entire life I'd have so much money, but I'd be so mad because it would all be in dimes. I hate to feel depressed and icky inside and it's been a long while since the last time... Actually I've been so happy lately with Sal, and everything's been so much fun. Then I started reading this book "It Happened To Nancy." I mean don't get me wrong I love to read a good, true, book. It's actually a diary... So this girl thinks she falls inlove, and then she gets date raped and HIV infected... I'm so scared of life and anything that could go wrong. I could walk outside and die, I could get kidnapped, I could be hurting someone I love and not even know it. Why do I always feel like I'm doing somehting wrong? Today Ms. Kirk made me feel so singled out and flat-out stupid I wanted to cry in front of everyone. My face got beat red and hot. That's been happening a lot lately. I swear I just wish I had all the answers... I wish I could just be satisfied with myself. But I can't. I'm so scared of everything and anything it's just ridiculous. I'm scared to be alone, but at the same time I'm scared of commitment too. So how am I supposed to solve things like that? And how can I talk to someone else about it when they have no clue whatsoever how I feel... They just take my problems, remember one of their own, and change the subject towards themselves really fast. WHY? why anything... There's just so much, and all to much to fast. I guess I'll leave now, I've written way too much. But I guess I feel a little vented. I LOVE YOU

Hurt
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
Last time I tried to make an entry it wouldn't save, and I've never seen it again... So if this one doesn't work I'll just give up and move on to suicide. Nah, you know me better. I just wish I could cut my soul open and throw it on the screen and everyone one in the whole world see it. I just hate being exposed *LIE* Kayla is here with me, and she is my bosom bubby!! Anyways I better go so she can have my undivided non sexual attention lol BYE ashley

KAYLA IS HERE WOOT WOOT
Mood:  hug me
Topic: KKK ALL THE WAY
not really, about the topic, we like black guys *drools* anyways HAHAHAHA bye

The beginning of my end
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
It hurts so bad, to look into your eyes now. You burn my insides as you swallow my soul without tasting it. I feel the helplessness creep into my fingers. I look at the palms of my hands. I feel ever empty... Why won't you accept me? Am I really as unworthy as I feel? I cry these tears of acid, burning off my face. The face that makes me cry. I am so incomplete. No one knows I'm here, in this void of missunderstanding. No one knows to rescue me, with this fake smile plastered on my face. Alone... what does this mean? Am I supposed to feel the need to be punished, or like every move I make is just another mistake? I want to be held. Another tear escapes my eyes full of hatred towards your lies. Approaching my front, tell it to my face, but as you walk away I know you left your knife in my back. So I'll just let it be, you and life and I. I walk away... forever.

I'm sick and tired of it!!!
Mood:  hug me
Topic: pouring my guts out
I'm so sick and tired of people putting others down. I'm tired of feeling like crap and tired of hurting just because person X wants to feel good about themself. NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW MUCH IT REALLY HURTS TO BE MADE FUN OF OR PUT DOWN. I feel like a revolving door of insults, it just doesn't stop. I try to be myself, like people say i should... "You fucking freak. You idiot. Why aren't you normal?" I'm so sick of it!! why don't i just throw on some abercrombie jeans, get in the comformist line and shut my mouth. At least then I wouldn't get bitched at for WEARING BLACK!! Just because black isnt part of the rainbow doesnt mean that anyone who wears it is a satanic goth reject that should get everyones hatred in a bottle thrown at them. I want to die so bad just because this is ridiculous... watching 1st graders on the bus call each other dumb names, KNOWING that it hurts, and what am I supposed to do?? back hand the kid??? I think not... but still. Why can't i have money dripping out my ears, then I could buy/afford preppy clothes and just be one of the mindless opinionless drones... bye... ASHLEY