I'm at freakin school and I just ruined my life
Mood:  loud
Topic: pouring my guts out
Oh my goodness alive. I'm at school right, ok so here's the story. Last night I was supposed to work on a Human Anatomy project with Sal but I forgot because I went to spend the night at Jade's house. So he calls me up and cusses me out for it and I was all "i'll take care of it ok???!" So I woke up late at Jade's (like 8:15) and I begged and begged her to wait until first period was over for us to go to school. So we drove around and did absolutely nothing just so we wouldn't have to present the project that wasn't finished. Then I get to school before 2nd period and I see Sal, and I try to tell him what we did. But he just keeps walking and what even talk to me! then in third period I went in construction and told him i had to talk to him. Well he was all I don't want to talk to you bitch. So I broke down and started crying and told Mr. Thomason I had to find jade. I met her half way to her classroom and she came down to auto and comforted me. Then I told her I wanted to cut myself so bad but I wasn't going to I just wanted to SOOOO BAD. Well someone told mr. t that i said that and he called mr. cummings (counslre) down there and made me go to his office to tlak to him. Well Mr. c told me to write down that i wouldn't cut myself ever again and date it and sign it. well i started writing and i just couldn't stop. I wrote two pages on everyhting i had ever done. hit cut burn scrathed, everyhting and i just couldnt stop. so i signed it and dated it and now they're going to call my parents and i have to get a physical and i'm scare to death because i have so much weed and drugs and alcohol in my system. My parents are going to kill me and send me to laurelwood and hate me for the rest of forever. They just don't understand I want the depression to go away so bad it just isnt fair. I'd rather be on meds than feel this way. I'm never ever doing drugs again. ever. I hate everything but my mommy and daddy i want to go home and let them just hold me for the rest of my life and i want to cry and just be ok. this is going to be my longest journal ever but i dont care. I'm letting everything out Im sick and tired of hurting and wanting to die and being sick to my stomach with depression. I hate it and no one listens no one believes me. no one will help me. why not though? why won't they take me serioulsy? Because I hide it so well thats why. I ignore the problem and just act like it isn't there. because thats what mommy does. anyways i better go i'm in fourth period and my teacher will be back any second. i love you self. because no one else does. please dont let me die.... i love you, ashley. -ASHLEY LORRAINE MCCORMACK i swing i slide

What to do...
Mood:  loud
Topic: pouring my guts out
I'm so weird... I'm bored with Sal, and I want Chris Taylor so bad right now it's driving me insane!! He called me last night and we talked for over an hour and we go way back and this is so incredibly hard. I mean I don't wnt to leave Sal, but yea... g2g be back later

I'm so sorry my dear!!! FORGIVE ME!
Mood:  hug me
Topic: pouring my guts out
Ahh I have neglected you for so long, I didn't mean to. So I guess this entry must be a long one... I'm dating Sal now, I'm mad at Katelyn now, I hang out with Kayla now, and I might quit doing drugs. I thought I had a lot to say but I guess I didn't. Oh, Katelyn went back to being bulimic again. Hmm how delightful. At least I know she is when she eats, but she doesn't eat all that much anyways so yea. All she ever does is sit there and be depressed until someone feels sorry for her and pays her a ton of attention. It's absolutely ridiculous and repetative. So I started ignoring her a little, maybe she'll shut up and take a hint on her own. I'm not going to tell her she's driving me crazy because then she'll actually HAVE a reason to be depressed. Her and Sarah Ragsdale are so alike; they lie about themselves because they crave attention and love and they can't get it by being honest for some reason or another. Sarah still talks about Sal all the time. Always asking me if we're still together or if it's her turn with him yet. Stupid bitch needs to move on because even if we weren't dating she wouldn't have a chance in the world with him! I'm trying to get Kayla and Steven Hartwell to date. They both like each other, and they both do drugs a lot, so I figure 'why not?' right? I need a job so bad it's pitiful. I want to move out and get a life of my own without a parental figure breathing down my neck all the time. But I can't do that without a job now can I? no. Nor can i pay my $210.82 phone bill. How ridiculous. Why can't I just die or something easy?? JUST KIDDING So yea, job. Oh by the way, my 17th birthday is tomorrow. I love you, self. ASHLEY

I'm sick and tired of it!!!
Mood:  hug me
Topic: pouring my guts out
I'm so sick and tired of people putting others down. I'm tired of feeling like crap and tired of hurting just because person X wants to feel good about themself. NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW MUCH IT REALLY HURTS TO BE MADE FUN OF OR PUT DOWN. I feel like a revolving door of insults, it just doesn't stop. I try to be myself, like people say i should... "You fucking freak. You idiot. Why aren't you normal?" I'm so sick of it!! why don't i just throw on some abercrombie jeans, get in the comformist line and shut my mouth. At least then I wouldn't get bitched at for WEARING BLACK!! Just because black isnt part of the rainbow doesnt mean that anyone who wears it is a satanic goth reject that should get everyones hatred in a bottle thrown at them. I want to die so bad just because this is ridiculous... watching 1st graders on the bus call each other dumb names, KNOWING that it hurts, and what am I supposed to do?? back hand the kid??? I think not... but still. Why can't i have money dripping out my ears, then I could buy/afford preppy clothes and just be one of the mindless opinionless drones... bye... ASHLEY

There's a first for everything...
Mood:  hug me
Topic: pouring my guts out
Well, my open minded little curious bodies... how are you today? And don't say "good." just because that's the generic response. Last night i dyed my hair a more romantic goth color and yes, I love it. I call it burgundy, but the box says egyptian plum... O K~ the amazing swings in my mood are starting to grow. I've measured a two second span of just blankness inbetween each mood. I have a new song that defines me~~ "Nobody's Home" Avril.... GAG I can't say it. I hate her, a lot. Maybe its a jealousy thing... I wish I was beautiful... Anyways, so I finally decided to stop playing the kissing bandit and try to find a boyfriend to fall head over heels for. At least if I do fall in love, I won't cheat anymore. I have no idea where to start. I just want like someone who loves me... toughy huh? well, what can I say? My soul bled through onto my shirt today. No one noticed because it was black. Thank The Almighty God in heaven. I swear He watches over me... anyways, I feel full but hungry at the same time. fucking fat ass... i wish i was tan. HIT ME IN MY FUCKING FACE!!! BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME PLEASE THEN SLIT MY THROAT UNTIL MY HEAD IS HANGING BY A THREAD!!!!!!! sorry, mood swing... I'm fine now. Lol I rhymed. I need a freakin ass job man. and some cash for my crop. Nevermind me and my pointless remarks... Its what I live for. ASHLEY