I'm so sorry my dear!!! FORGIVE ME!
Mood:  hug me
Topic: pouring my guts out
Ahh I have neglected you for so long, I didn't mean to. So I guess this entry must be a long one... I'm dating Sal now, I'm mad at Katelyn now, I hang out with Kayla now, and I might quit doing drugs. I thought I had a lot to say but I guess I didn't. Oh, Katelyn went back to being bulimic again. Hmm how delightful. At least I know she is when she eats, but she doesn't eat all that much anyways so yea. All she ever does is sit there and be depressed until someone feels sorry for her and pays her a ton of attention. It's absolutely ridiculous and repetative. So I started ignoring her a little, maybe she'll shut up and take a hint on her own. I'm not going to tell her she's driving me crazy because then she'll actually HAVE a reason to be depressed. Her and Sarah Ragsdale are so alike; they lie about themselves because they crave attention and love and they can't get it by being honest for some reason or another. Sarah still talks about Sal all the time. Always asking me if we're still together or if it's her turn with him yet. Stupid bitch needs to move on because even if we weren't dating she wouldn't have a chance in the world with him! I'm trying to get Kayla and Steven Hartwell to date. They both like each other, and they both do drugs a lot, so I figure 'why not?' right? I need a job so bad it's pitiful. I want to move out and get a life of my own without a parental figure breathing down my neck all the time. But I can't do that without a job now can I? no. Nor can i pay my $210.82 phone bill. How ridiculous. Why can't I just die or something easy?? JUST KIDDING So yea, job. Oh by the way, my 17th birthday is tomorrow. I love you, self. ASHLEY

I feel so BLAH... once again
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
If I had a dime for every time I felt this way in my entire life I'd have so much money, but I'd be so mad because it would all be in dimes. I hate to feel depressed and icky inside and it's been a long while since the last time... Actually I've been so happy lately with Sal, and everything's been so much fun. Then I started reading this book "It Happened To Nancy." I mean don't get me wrong I love to read a good, true, book. It's actually a diary... So this girl thinks she falls inlove, and then she gets date raped and HIV infected... I'm so scared of life and anything that could go wrong. I could walk outside and die, I could get kidnapped, I could be hurting someone I love and not even know it. Why do I always feel like I'm doing somehting wrong? Today Ms. Kirk made me feel so singled out and flat-out stupid I wanted to cry in front of everyone. My face got beat red and hot. That's been happening a lot lately. I swear I just wish I had all the answers... I wish I could just be satisfied with myself. But I can't. I'm so scared of everything and anything it's just ridiculous. I'm scared to be alone, but at the same time I'm scared of commitment too. So how am I supposed to solve things like that? And how can I talk to someone else about it when they have no clue whatsoever how I feel... They just take my problems, remember one of their own, and change the subject towards themselves really fast. WHY? why anything... There's just so much, and all to much to fast. I guess I'll leave now, I've written way too much. But I guess I feel a little vented. I LOVE YOU

Hurt
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
Last time I tried to make an entry it wouldn't save, and I've never seen it again... So if this one doesn't work I'll just give up and move on to suicide. Nah, you know me better. I just wish I could cut my soul open and throw it on the screen and everyone one in the whole world see it. I just hate being exposed *LIE* Kayla is here with me, and she is my bosom bubby!! Anyways I better go so she can have my undivided non sexual attention lol BYE ashley

KAYLA IS HERE WOOT WOOT
Mood:  hug me
Topic: KKK ALL THE WAY
not really, about the topic, we like black guys *drools* anyways HAHAHAHA bye

The beginning of my end
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
It hurts so bad, to look into your eyes now. You burn my insides as you swallow my soul without tasting it. I feel the helplessness creep into my fingers. I look at the palms of my hands. I feel ever empty... Why won't you accept me? Am I really as unworthy as I feel? I cry these tears of acid, burning off my face. The face that makes me cry. I am so incomplete. No one knows I'm here, in this void of missunderstanding. No one knows to rescue me, with this fake smile plastered on my face. Alone... what does this mean? Am I supposed to feel the need to be punished, or like every move I make is just another mistake? I want to be held. Another tear escapes my eyes full of hatred towards your lies. Approaching my front, tell it to my face, but as you walk away I know you left your knife in my back. So I'll just let it be, you and life and I. I walk away... forever.

I'm sick and tired of it!!!
Mood:  hug me
Topic: pouring my guts out
I'm so sick and tired of people putting others down. I'm tired of feeling like crap and tired of hurting just because person X wants to feel good about themself. NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW MUCH IT REALLY HURTS TO BE MADE FUN OF OR PUT DOWN. I feel like a revolving door of insults, it just doesn't stop. I try to be myself, like people say i should... "You fucking freak. You idiot. Why aren't you normal?" I'm so sick of it!! why don't i just throw on some abercrombie jeans, get in the comformist line and shut my mouth. At least then I wouldn't get bitched at for WEARING BLACK!! Just because black isnt part of the rainbow doesnt mean that anyone who wears it is a satanic goth reject that should get everyones hatred in a bottle thrown at them. I want to die so bad just because this is ridiculous... watching 1st graders on the bus call each other dumb names, KNOWING that it hurts, and what am I supposed to do?? back hand the kid??? I think not... but still. Why can't i have money dripping out my ears, then I could buy/afford preppy clothes and just be one of the mindless opinionless drones... bye... ASHLEY

Sexy S's
Mood:  hug me
Topic: *DROOL*
So, does every sexy guy in the world have their name start with an s? Sean, seth, steven, hmm wait a sec... ok so maybe its just three. but its more than none... HAHA I should spell my name Sashley, wow I'm nutzo. I am so hungry but my tummy hurts :( what to do... I went to church this morning, it was alright. I haven't been active in a church since Liberty and since they kicked us out basically its hard to trust anyone churchwise again. I hate when people try to judge me just by how I look, thats so freakin wrong. I mean I look like the type to be a big mean satanic freak but I'M NOT. And I hate people to think that because I'm really nice, and funny if you'll just hang out with me you'll see that. A lot of people just say hey to me in the halls, so I'll say some smart allic comment back just because I love making people laugh. I LOVE IT!! Laughing strengthens your abs and your immune system, so by laughin a lot you could actually live longer. I haven't taken my shower today yet, so my hair is greasy and I don't like it :( but i love the color!!! Well, sean deserves my undivided attention so I'll have to leave you now... bye ASHLEY

EVERYONE LOVES HUGS
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm talking to Katelyn!!!
Well, I'm talkin to my homie G K on the phone. And thinkin about Steven... *sighs*drools* anyways I can't get my hopes up or else I know I'll get torn down. He's hot, and cool at the same time! haha how corny. I'm turning into salvador!!! (but K, forget the mex go for Kris!!) Leave me a message in the comments if you read this. So I was thinking last night, I wish I could die.Then I was thinking in second period... BUTTER LOVES PAUL!! and vice versa. so yea. I'm going to have to make this one short because I have nothing else to say. I'll holla at you peeps later. Bye

Katelyn's Birthday was today
Mood:  hug me
Topic: hug me please
Katelyn's 16 today... yay! I need a hug so bad, I just want to sleep (literally) with someone. It's been so long since I've been held, I'm starting to forget what it felt like or why I even miss it. There's a number of guys I would date but I feel they really just wouldn't understand/appreciate me for exactly who I am. A lot of guys are no too concerned with helping an emotional train wreck of a girl try to understand why she can't sleep. I'm telling you all it's the nightmares... but no one listens. As usual. I haven't got one comment on this website and I don't even think anyone has seen it, but it doesn't matter it helps me vent. I think if someone were to see it they might would be a little scared. I'm so freakin' full, I ate two brocoli cheese and chicken lean pockets and two mountain dews... but it was delicious... so yea. Well I guess I'm reaching my limit, I always write too much nonsense on these entries, never anything meaningful just blah blah blah blah... I feel like a Charlie Brown Teacher. ASHLEY

Today, 1 month until I'm 17...
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
So there I was... between how I am and how I should be (according to everyone else) And I was trying to figure out which way to go. One way, I gain acceptance, 'friends', parties, and people actually admit that I AM PRETTY. But the other way... the way I am now... I only have a couple friends but I know for sure they would lay their life ON THE LINE for me. (As I would for them also) I don't really like parties unless you mean about 5 people drinking coffee with a live band blaring in your ears while you all pretend you can understand whoever is trying to talk to you. And as for people admitting that I AM PRETTY... so what? They don't see me. Inside or out. They refuse to because they're scared. I'm just to complex for anyone (with a few exceptions). So now I met this guy Joe. Well we haven't met other than online, but I like the guy already. FINALLY someone who believes in music. I swear music is the foundation of the building we know as Earth. Well that and a lot of hot molten rock and lava. Anyways, when I get more scoop on Joe, it'll be here. And when I figure out why exactly a fork has four prongs instead of 5 I'll let you know that too. PAIN