inside my soul
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
SO is this what our lives have come to? This abrupt ending to a life long fight... It never will make sense to me, why I stayed alive... just to die. I fought the tears, temptations, and cravings. I wanted to cut myself to pieces so small that'd I'd be one with the dust amoung my floor. But I didn't. I stayed alive. I fought so hard... for this? That can't be right... There must be more. How am I supposed to tell my soul of shattered glass and misshapen chaos that all the pain, all that time, all those battles of blood and tear... were just to die.

Once upon a death...
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
As if the crying stops my pain... I love my tears with all my heart. Held inside my rugged calloused hands, i cradle every drop. The pool of hurt and resentment begins to warm and in it there is a small world. A world where pain is normal, and everyone cries tears of malice and discontent. The sky is gray like ash and melted crayons of black. The ground is as cold as my heart. But my heart is filled with love for these tears... Because without them I would be not.

I feel so BLAH... once again
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
If I had a dime for every time I felt this way in my entire life I'd have so much money, but I'd be so mad because it would all be in dimes. I hate to feel depressed and icky inside and it's been a long while since the last time... Actually I've been so happy lately with Sal, and everything's been so much fun. Then I started reading this book "It Happened To Nancy." I mean don't get me wrong I love to read a good, true, book. It's actually a diary... So this girl thinks she falls inlove, and then she gets date raped and HIV infected... I'm so scared of life and anything that could go wrong. I could walk outside and die, I could get kidnapped, I could be hurting someone I love and not even know it. Why do I always feel like I'm doing somehting wrong? Today Ms. Kirk made me feel so singled out and flat-out stupid I wanted to cry in front of everyone. My face got beat red and hot. That's been happening a lot lately. I swear I just wish I had all the answers... I wish I could just be satisfied with myself. But I can't. I'm so scared of everything and anything it's just ridiculous. I'm scared to be alone, but at the same time I'm scared of commitment too. So how am I supposed to solve things like that? And how can I talk to someone else about it when they have no clue whatsoever how I feel... They just take my problems, remember one of their own, and change the subject towards themselves really fast. WHY? why anything... There's just so much, and all to much to fast. I guess I'll leave now, I've written way too much. But I guess I feel a little vented. I LOVE YOU

Hurt
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
Last time I tried to make an entry it wouldn't save, and I've never seen it again... So if this one doesn't work I'll just give up and move on to suicide. Nah, you know me better. I just wish I could cut my soul open and throw it on the screen and everyone one in the whole world see it. I just hate being exposed *LIE* Kayla is here with me, and she is my bosom bubby!! Anyways I better go so she can have my undivided non sexual attention lol BYE ashley

The beginning of my end
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
It hurts so bad, to look into your eyes now. You burn my insides as you swallow my soul without tasting it. I feel the helplessness creep into my fingers. I look at the palms of my hands. I feel ever empty... Why won't you accept me? Am I really as unworthy as I feel? I cry these tears of acid, burning off my face. The face that makes me cry. I am so incomplete. No one knows I'm here, in this void of missunderstanding. No one knows to rescue me, with this fake smile plastered on my face. Alone... what does this mean? Am I supposed to feel the need to be punished, or like every move I make is just another mistake? I want to be held. Another tear escapes my eyes full of hatred towards your lies. Approaching my front, tell it to my face, but as you walk away I know you left your knife in my back. So I'll just let it be, you and life and I. I walk away... forever.

Today, 1 month until I'm 17...
Mood:  hug me
Topic: I'm so incomplete
So there I was... between how I am and how I should be (according to everyone else) And I was trying to figure out which way to go. One way, I gain acceptance, 'friends', parties, and people actually admit that I AM PRETTY. But the other way... the way I am now... I only have a couple friends but I know for sure they would lay their life ON THE LINE for me. (As I would for them also) I don't really like parties unless you mean about 5 people drinking coffee with a live band blaring in your ears while you all pretend you can understand whoever is trying to talk to you. And as for people admitting that I AM PRETTY... so what? They don't see me. Inside or out. They refuse to because they're scared. I'm just to complex for anyone (with a few exceptions). So now I met this guy Joe. Well we haven't met other than online, but I like the guy already. FINALLY someone who believes in music. I swear music is the foundation of the building we know as Earth. Well that and a lot of hot molten rock and lava. Anyways, when I get more scoop on Joe, it'll be here. And when I figure out why exactly a fork has four prongs instead of 5 I'll let you know that too. PAIN