Strife's eyes narrowed to pale blue slits, "Exactly whaddafuck dya mean by that?"

*hic*

A bullfrog dressed in a top hat and spats, carrying a cane, leaped out of a pitcher of wine and began to do a tap dance, singing 'Varsity Rag'. Considering that webbed feet aren't designed for tap, it wasn't as impressive as it could have been.

Strife's eyes flew wide open. "That nevah happened before. It's pretty cool, though. I gotta remembah it."

"You mean to tell us that you've never had the hiccups?" Gabrielle asked skeptically.

"No! Nothin like this has evah happened ta me."

Cupid nudged him. "If ye forgive me, darlin', there was that time when ye sneezed an' they had that snowstorm in August."

"Yah, I forgot that one, an' why tha Tartarus are ya talkin like that? I mean, it ainn't like it ain't sexy, but it's kinda odd."

"Excuse me!" Gabrielle said in a lofty, snotty voice. "But we have more important things to worry about than Cupid's bad stage Celtic accent." She rather ruined the effect by vigorously scratching her ass, then picking her teeth. Xena turned green. That was a little too natural for her, even in her present mellow state.

"Watch yer mouth, Blondie, or I'll tie yer tits in a Celtic knot," Strife snapped.

*hic*

"Why do I suddenly have a strange cravin' for pink hearts...?" Cupid mused.

"Um, fairly natural, given yer godhood, doll. As long as ya don't mean tha red, ripped outta someone's chest kind."

"No, darlin', but I'm also cravin' yellow stars, purple horseshoes, an' green clovers--little, squishy, sweet ones."

"Little, squishy, and sweet are not terms generally associated with horseshoes," said Iolaus. "Well, squishy, maybe, but not sweet."

"Look, it's pretty obvious that the hiccups are playing havoc with Strife's godhood. If we can stop them, then everything will go back to normal." Gabrielle looked around as a satyr chased a nymph past. "Well, as normal as it's possible to get around here."

*hic* A fairy fluttered past. Suddenly Hephastus charged after it, waving a large butterfly net and yelling, "Butterfly! Pretty, pretty!"

Cupid called, "Heph! Where's me babby?"

Bliss trotted over, wide-eyed, pumpkin-and-licorice wings flapping. "Daddy Heph gots real excited lookin' at the butterflies, an' Auntie Demmie said she had too much trouble with all the lemmings tryin' to 'mit sue-side by jumpin' in the wading pool, so she telled me come an' see you."

Xena shook her head. "Oh, wow. Cosmic weirdness. Things are getting weirder by the nanosecond. Look, Iolaus seems to be the least affected by..."

*sniff*

"Iolaus, I'm a non-violent sort of person, but if you don't get your nose off my crotch I may be forced to take militant action upside your head."

Iolaus stood up, flushing. "Sorry. You smell like fish."

Xena started to unhook her chakra. Gabrielle grabbed her arm, "Look, toots, if your honor needs to be defended, I'll do it, but he was just referin' to that piscean shower you got a little while ago." She looked at Iolaus. "Right?"

His eyes shifted. "Sure." *sniff*

*hic*

"Ouch! Hey!" Iolaus rubbed his rump, looking down. "Sniffing I don't mind, kid, but don't chomp."

Bliss ducked his head. "Sowwy."

"I think we'd better split up," said Gabrielle, finger digging in her ear. She examined the finger, then wiped it on her halter.

"Mebbe I oughta go somewhere a little less populated," said Strife. He was watching a squadron of harpies that were flying low over the area. One of them was dragging a banner that said EAT AT PHONOKOPOLOUS'S. He noticed that Bliss had edged behind Gabby, and was eyeing her butt. He started to stand on tiptoes, teeth bared. Strife started to say something, then stopped, grinning.

A second later Gabby yelled, "Ow! What the fuck?" She whirled around, raising her stick, but Bliss had ducked behind a table. She ended up whapping a mercenary, who was wearing a lavender tutu.

Hercules minced over, carrying a suspiciously smoking bowl of blue goo. "Cupid, honey, help mother out here. Is it three ounces of dandelion fluff and one pubic hair, or one ounce of dandelion fluff and three pubic hairs for a passion potion? I'm just hoping that it's the first, 'cause I really hate having to pluck those short and curlies."

Cupid scratched his head. "For some rayson I'm thinkin' it involves a cup of mare's sweat, but that might be only when in Rome."**

Hercules shuddered. "I'm not doing as the Romans do. Imagine, them setting up Venus as their Love Goddess. She is such a tart! I'll try three and one." He flounced off.

Strife was shaking. "Oh, man! Cupe, I need help. All this shit that's goin down is feedin me massive energy, an' that stimulates my godhood, which in turn seems ta make me..." *hic*

Hera appeared in a fall of silver sparkles. Everyone stared. Granted, there was nothing unusual about a goddess appearing in a shower of sparks, but none of them were ever wearing an A-line skirt, a crisp blouse, high heeled pumps, and pearls. Hera looked at the chaos around her and blinked. "Oh, dear." She looked down at Bliss. "Beaver, what have you been up to?"

Strife fainted. Unfortunately, he didn't stop hiccupping. In fact, he *hic*ed three times in rapid succession. A striped giraffe ambled past. A very lost group of Trekkies wandered through, looking for the convention salesroom, and Salmoneus came up with the idea for fern bars.

Cupid scooped his unconscious husband up into his arms. "Apollo!"

Apollo looked up from where he was on his knees, carefully mutilating grass blades. "I'm busy! Make an appointment!"

"Shite! Ace!"

Asclepius appeared. "What's going on? I was having a peaceful goblet of fruit punch when some little guy in a loud shirt came up, said something that sounded like 'huhwaian', and punched me. They'll be scraping him off the ceiling sometime soon."

"Strife has t' bloody haycups, an' Olympus is goin' tits up if we don't foind some way ta stop it."

Ace blinked rapidly. "Ooooh-kay. Um, wouldn't you know it would have to be something that even I haven't found a cure for yet. I think the first thing to do is to get him somewhere quiet."

"We'll take 'im t' me da's place." Ares and Joxer strolled past. Now they were both wrapped in the tablecloth, legs bare beneath and shoulders bare above. The walking was a little awkward, because the taller Ares had his head on Joxer's shoulder. Joxer was whispering something to Ares, and Ares was giggling, blushing redder than Heph's forge. "I'm thinkin' he won't be needin' it for a bit."

Hera clapped her hands and beamed. "Boys will be boys."

"One o' you lot watch me kiddo." Cupid started to carry Strife towards the Halls of War, with Ace in tow. As they left there was another *hic*. Before they were out of sight, Eris appeared. She was scowling like thunder, and clutching a long stem of gladioli. "What the fuck is going on?" she screamed. "I'm finishing up a nice little skirmish before I come up to this stupid party, and all of a sudden no swords, daggers, or spears. Nothing but roses, petunias, and fucking daisies! Instead of a flaming bundle of wood, the catapult pelts the enemy with baby's breath and violets! It'll take me a hundred years and an ocean of blood to live this down." She grabbed the person nearest to her (which much to everyone's approval turned out to be Gabrielle) and shook her by the throat. "What the Tartarus is happening?"

Very faintly, *hic*

Eris blinked and looked down. "Why am I wearing all this icky leather and metal? It's so unfeminine." She was suddenly wearing a sparkling white toga. "Mm, that's better, but still..." Then she was wearing a flowing dress of sunny yellow. "Closer." The dress became pastel pink. "The color is right, but..." She looked at Hera helplessly.

"Don't worry, dear. I'll help." Hera waved her hands. Eris was dressed in a pink Chanel suit, complete with white kid gloves and a Jackie Kennedy pillbox hat. "Oh, and I almost forgot!" A string of pearls.

Eris looked down at herself, then squealed happily. "Oh, this is just scrumptious!"

Xena winced. "Did Eris just say scrumptious?"

Iolaus grimaced. "I'm afraid so. Well, that should be all for her. She can't possibly get any more different."

Very, very faintly, *hic*

Eris tugged on her gloves, her little jaw firm and determined. "Now, I just need to go find myself a husband!"

Hera clapped her hands. Everyone else screamed, "What?"

"Of course! My poor baby Erin needs a daddy, and it's up to me to find one for him." She looked at Iolaus. "Hm, you'd do in a pinch, but I'd better start with the gods." She looked around.

Heph ran past, chasing a very frightened winged centaur, waving his net. Hera shook her head firmly, "No, dear. He's already married."

"How about Ares?"

"Well, he is your brother."

"So?"

"I think he has an understanding with Joxer."

"Poo." She saw Apollo, and her face brightened. She trotted over to him. "Apollo, you're the God of Medicine, so I'd never have to worry about my baby having booboos!" Apollo continued mutilating vegetation. He'd found a patch of clover and was plucking the leaves off the shamrocks, one at a time, leaving only stems. For some reason Iolaus was glad that Cupid wasn't here to see it. "C'mon, 'pol, how about marrying me and giving Baby Mischief a daddy?" She playfully tapped him on the shoulder with the gladiola.

Apollo leaped up, screaming. He snatched the gladiola away from Eris, mangled it, and threw it down, screaming, "Zeus, Eris! Don't touch those things--you don't know where they've been, or what they're capable of." He ran off toward an azalea bush, a murderous gleam in his eyes.

Eris blinked. "Okay, I guess that's a no. Let's see..." she looked around, and brightened again. "Yoohoo, Hermes! Have I ever told you what a wonderful father you are to Auto, helping him in his chosen career?" She trotted away.

"We have got to get Zeus!" Iolaus said, shaking his head. "I'll look this direction." He started off.

Gabby looked around, "Um, I want to go search Zeus's place. I guess that's over... there. No, wait. There. No..."

Xena rolled her eyes. "Just ask directions."

Gabby yelled, "I don't need to ask directions! I know where I'm going." She spat fiercely *ptui*, hitched up her skirt, pulled her underwear out of the crack of her ass, and stalked off. About ten yards away she paused, feinted left, paused, then went right, walking like a woman on a mission.

Xena rolled her eyes again, then screamed as Bliss nipped her butt. "Hey! I thought you were with..." Heph came past, riding on the back of a very aggrieved looking winged centaur. He was steering it by means of the butterfly net he had over its head. "Maybe not." She bent down till her eyes were on level with Bliss's. "Hi."

"Hewwo, Auntie Zeen."

"Let's go see if we can find Gran'pa Zeus."

"Okay."

She turned and started off. "Keep close, and... Ow! Bliss!"

Bliss was spitting. "Auntie Zeen, what you sit in?"

She sighed. "I dunno, kid. There were fish, and a centaur went past a little while ago, so there's no telling." She took a firm grip on his hand and started off.

"I'm tellin ya, it ain't workin."

Ace sighed. "Try it one more time."

"Screw it! I musta drank a hogshead of watah. I drank it in tiny sips, I drank it in big ass gulps, I drank it without breathin, an' lemme tell ya that's as closeta drownin as I evah wanna get. I even drank it through a sheet of parchment, and ya coulda given me a blank one, thank ya very much! I'll be spittin ink fah days." Strife crossed his arms, glaring at Ace.

*hic*

One of the Muses had come along to help if needed. She was peering out a window. "Didn't Hercules's friend Iolaus used to be a blonde?"

Cuped glanced over. "He is at that."

She shook her head. "He just went past, and he's got hair like Iphicles's now. It's really attractive." She frowned. "Except that he seems to be trying to scratch behind his ear."

"What's so unattractive about that?"

"With his foot?"

Ace was consulting a dusty scroll. "There's very little on this. Apparently hiccups are a totally unpredictable thing. Though they're more likely to happen in certain circumstances, no one knows exactly what causes them, and no one knows exactly how to cure them. This is fascinating. I'm going to have to write a scroll about this."

*hic*

"Since when did Apollo have big, waddling, black-and-white birds pulling his chariot?" the Muse asked.

"Here's another way." Ace laid down the scroll, then took hold of Strife's earlobes and folded them up, pushing, till he had stopped the Mischief God's ears.

Strife stared at him, mouth dropping open. Then he said softly, "Ya know, Ace, stoppin up my ears might be a good idea. I ain't sure I'd wanna hear tha noises yer gonna make when I stick that scroll up yer..."

Ace let go--quickly. "Okay, that one didn't work." He materialized a wedge of lemon, then a tall, slender bottle of something red. He shook a few drops on the lemon and offered it to Strife.

Strife stared at it, then at him, then at it. "Whadda fuck is that?"

"Lemon with red pepper-vinegar sauce."

Strife's face screwed up. "Ew! Ace tha only way I'd be able ta stand suckin on that would be if I was..."

*hic*

Strife's eyes widened. He snatched the lemon wedge. "Gimme that!" He squeezed it into his mouth, then popped the rind in and chewed it while everyone gaped. He smacked his lips. "Got any more of that?"

*hic*

Cupid had been pacing, muttering, "Wurra, wurra, wurra." Now he suddenly started to step dance back and forth across the room.

"We need to keep trying for a cure--you can snack later," said Ace. He consulted the scroll. "Okay, next up--pickles."

"Fine by me! Got any peanut buttah ta go with that?"

On the other side of Olympus, two tall men who bore a striking resemblence to a certain bumbling warrior were standing in a small crowd, listening disinterestedly as Zeus pontificated on the values of family ties.

"Hat least he hasn't use-ed the term 'family walues'," said Jayce. "Hiyam a fain-tay-stick actor, but heven Aye couldn't keep a straight face hover that."

"You got that right, Bro," snorted Jett, crossing his arms. "How much longer to we have to hang around and listen to this drivel? I want to go find Joxer and play catch-up with him." He gave a hard smile. "Well, play 'catch', anyway."

Jayce shook his head, "Hi tol' chu, Yett, I'm not danglin' him out a hwindow again. Yoxer dun't theenk it's funny."

Zeus was suddenly naked. He didn't notice--not immediately. He kept right on lecturing, since he had a captive audience. Well, actually he never had anything but a captive audience. He didn't notice, but the audience did. He finally got a clue when he realized that everyone in the audience had their hands clamped over their eyes. He'd been wondering what those worried mutters about blindness had meant.

Jayce, being of a sensitive nature, was trembling in his brother's arms, eyes squinched shut. Jett hadn't covered his eyes, just squinted, but then again, you see a lot when you're a professional assassin, and he'd become hardened.

Zeus looked down at himself. "Um..." He glanced at the crowd quickly. Drat. No women he felt like impressing. He waved to dress himself again. Nothing. Frowning, he waved very hard. He was suddenly wearing a T-shirt that said MY GOD WENT TO THE GREAT OLYMPUS FAMILY REUNION, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY SHIRT. That was all, and since it wasn't a 'one-size-fits-all', it stopped just north of his belly button.

"Darn. Um, I'll continue this at a later time. Will someone please go and find out what the Tartarus is happening? I'll be over here, behind this bush." He scooted behind a large bush.

Jett squeezed Jayce. "You can open your eyes now--he's out of sight."

Jayce shuddered, warily slitting his eyes before he opened them. "Ho, boy! Yett, chu theenk mebbe Zeus is related to the Gorgon?"

Jett smirked. "You don't mean to tell me you got hard looking at him?" Jayce screamed and smacked Jett over the head. "Ow, hey! Okay, all right, I'm sorry! You're right. You're my brother, and you don't torture blood--if you can help it. However..." There was a hulking great warrior passing. "Hey, buddy! See that bush over there?" He nodded. "Well, go back there and you'll see something you'll never forget--naked." The warrior grinned and headed for the bush.

Jayce shook his head. "Chur evil, Yett." Jett nodded cheerfully. There was a strangled yell from behind the bush, then the sound of upchucking, followed by the sizzle of a powerball. The warrior came flying out from behind the bush just ahead of a red, glowing ball. He dodged, and the energy hit a statue of the Roman goddess, Venus, that had just appeared. It snapped off both arms. "Mm, I theenk Ditey gonna like that."

"C'mon, lets go find Joxer. In a mess like this, he's liable to be in real trouble."

They walked for a while, then came near another set of bushes which were shaking in a most suggestive way. There was a lot of giggling and panting coming from them. Jett and Jayce would have walked past if they hadn't recognized the voice. "Joxer, the Mighty, can always find a tighty! He's so sexy, he's so fine. He boffs 'em, mortal and divine! He'll give you orgasms by the score and always leave you wanting more! Joxer, Joxer the Miiiiighty!" As the last word was stretched out, another voice joined it in a howl of obvious pleasure.

Jett and Jayce looked at each other. Jett wiggled his eyebrows. "Sounds like baby brother is gettin' him some."

Jayce smiled. "Hway to go, Yoxie! I knew he wouldn't stay a wirgin forever."

"I wonder who he's with? Do you suppose he finally nailed the little blonde?"

"Iolaus? He'd be a lucky boy, but I theenk Hercules hwould have a hissy."

"No, no. I meant the other blonde. You know--Xena's bitch."

Jayce made a face. "Ew, I'd hope he'd have better taste than that."

"Oh, I don't know. Stick a gag in her mouth, put a bag over her head..." Jett was creeping toward the bushes.

"Yett, no!" Jayce scolded. "Chu leave Yoxie alone with his sweetie!"

"Hey, what else is a big brother for than to embarrass the Tartarus out of you? I won't do anything--much. Maybe just a yell."

As Jett crept around the edge of the bush, Jayce was shaking his head. But Jett didn't go all the way around. He stopped, his eyes widening. After a second he very carefully and very quietly backed up, then went back to Jayce. It wasn't like Jett to give up a chance to tease Joxer. "Hwhat? Hwhy dint chu scare them?"

Jett was blinking. "Well, because I really didn't think that it would be a good idea to jump out at the God of War when he was just through having sex and yell 'booga booga'."

"That be hayzardous to chur health," Jayce agreed. Then he blinked. "Hwait a minute. Chu mean that Yoxie...?" He clasped his hands, eyes moist, "Ah, dios! My little brother is sleeping with a divinity! Hi hope Ares is good to him."

"From the looks of it Ares has been very good to him."

"Hwat does that mean?"

Jett threw his arm around Jayce's shoulder and started to lead him away. "That means that there's something seriously weird going on here, and we need to find out what."

"Hwhat makes chu theenk that?"

"The fact that Ares was the one rubbing his bottom."