So I guarantee this post will get me killed...again
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: The Zutons - You will You won't
OK, I realize I have used that title on a previous post. So what. This is my blog, I do what I want. If you don't like it then start your own blog and try to make it better than mine. I dare you. Ok, now that I used my body's entire testosterone supply to provide that tiny sample of machismo, I will move on to my post. So I finally saw Napoleon Dynamite in its entirety. And you know what? I think it was pretty good. NOT THE FUNNIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME like some people make it out to be. Sorry, this movie is NOWHERE near Monty Python's Search for the holy grail, Dumb and Dumber, Half Baked (when stoned, or even when not stoned), Zoolander, The Big Lebowski, and honestly, I could probably name another dozen or so movies that are funnier than Napoleon Dynamite. That does not make it a bad movie. In fact, I think it is the funniest movie of the year. And I laughed a whole lot when I saw Team America: World Police. Something about puppets having wild sex that makes people laugh. I dunno. This movie had its spots. When he got the suit. When he danced to Jamiroqoui. When his tots got smashed. There are many more. But frankly, this movie had WAY to many stupid moments of silence or scenes that lack dialogue. What am I supposed to be doing during those moments? Laugh at the character's appearance? Sorry, but there is only so much I can do of that before I start feeling like a manipulated dumbass. I get the jokes. No seriously, I get them. They just are not that funny. Caleb, don't try to insult me for not thinking so highly of this film, in fact YOU are the one I am blaming for me being disappointed in this film with your "greatest movie of all-time" and "I laughed like a little girl" lines. You gave me grandiose dillusions. This movie gets a rating of pretty funny from me. I like the Lafawnduh thing. The way he gets manipulated into wearing gangsta clothes. That is hilarious. Or whenever Napoleon has to feed tina. I guess the biggest disappointment has to be Napoleon (who is actually played brilliantly by Jon Heder). You would think that the title charcter would be the funniest right? WRONG. DEAD WRONG. Everyone around him is so much funnier. Especially his dead-pan buddy Pedro. And Uncle Rico. He was funny too. This movie definitely wins my soon-to-be awarded biggest disappointment of the year award. The hopes were so high, so marveslously high. Then, like everything else in america, they came crashing down. So sad. Good flick though. You won't see me wearing a Vote for Pedro shirt anytime soon. But it was good.

DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE!!!!! MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND!

I don't know how I keep doing it, but soon I will have offended almost everyone and will have succesfully alienated myself from all people on the planet. Hazaa!

Why you should not be blasphemus
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Macgyver
Well, in case you missed it yesterday, the Lions showed why they are a cursed team. After tying the game late in the 4th quarter, the Lions let the Vikings march right down the field and score. With no timeouts, only 1:29 left and starting out on the 20 yard line, it looked like the Lions had blown another game. Or had they? Looking on the sidelines, you could see a glazed over (and bearded) Joey Harrington want to vomit. He had the flu and required IV fluids prior to the game and during halftime. You knew he had some sort of heroics in him. You knew he had done it numerous times at Oregon. However, you also knew he played for THE LIONS, destroyers of all hopes and dreams. Anyways, he gets on the field and leads the Lions all the way down the field and throws a TD pass to Roy Williams. Things look good. All that was left to do was kick a simple extra point and send the game into overtime. Prior to the kick, Caleb said that it would really suck if they missed the kick. I said "yeah, that would really suck." Sure enough, the snap is terrible and the holder, Nick Harris (a punter), can't control it and gets tackled. Game Over. Lions lose. SO LAME. SO INCREDIBLY LAME! DAMN YOU DAN MUHLBACH!!!
Here is Joey Harrington showing the "Why must I play for the Lions oh lord? Why?" Face

Here is why the Lions lose every game. Because they are cursed. Notice the demon football.

In other news, Caleb, Matt and I became ordained ministers over the weekend. I guess this means that we can say that we are holier than thou. See for yourselves:

Is hell freezing over? Did I just see pigs flying? The Mariners are Spending Money? On Good Players!
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Muse - Hysteria
Yeah, that title is no typo friends. Believe it or not, the Mariners, yes THE Seattle Mariners are going after big name free agents. I know, I almost had a stroke when I heard the news. We signed 1B/LF Richie Sexson to a 4 year $50 million deal wednesday and signed stud 3B Adrian Beltre to a 5 year $64 million deal yesterday. After years of bitching I am at a loss for words. After losing so many great players: Junior Griffey, Johnson, Pay-Rod, Jose Cruz, etc. It got to the point where we had a bunch of guys that were playing out of their minds for a couple years and then reverted to their true forms, exposing the poor management and decision making by the front office. Appearantly Howard Lincoln and Bill Bavasi heard enough of my (and other mariner fans') bitching and moaning and decided to loosen up their sphincters and shell out some dough for good players. Maybe Nintendo (who has a controlling interest in the mariners, yes mario owns us) wanted to field a winner.

Maybe Ichiro went all last samurai on their asses, who knows. What I DO know is that we just got two really good offensive players. And Beltre is not that bad in the field either (he only had 10 errors last season). Now, as a public service, I will introduce you to our newest Mariners.
Richie Sexson:

At 6'8" 237 lbs, Sexson definitely earns the nickname Big Sexy. The Guy played with new Mariner manager Mike Hargrove in Cleveland back in the day and has been a very productive player during his career. Last year he only played in 23 games with the Arizona Diamondbacks due to a separated shoulder. But if you look at his season averages for his career the numbers are VERY impressive.
a .271 batting average, 39 homeruns, 119 rbi's and a very good .877 ops (OPS=On base percentage+slugging percentage). Sexson was born in Portland and grew up in Washington so he should adjust well to living and playing here. He has lots of power so hitting in the cavernous Safeco field should not be a problem for him. And as I said before, he has played for Hargrove, so he should have an even greater comfort level in Seattle. He is only 29, which is right about when most power hitters start hitting their prime. This only means good things for us because we have him for the next 4 years. HAZAA!

Adrian Beltre:

At 25, Beltre has already been in the major leagues for 7 seasons. Beltre was the gem of the Dodgers farm system coming up in the mid 90's and has progressed steadily since joining the team in 1998. Last year he had a breakout season hitting .334 with 48 homeruns and 121 RBI's. The guy carried the Dodgers down the stretch and finished second in the MVP vote to Barry Bonds. Some detractors say that last season was a fluke for Beltre and that he was only doing well because he was in the last year of his contract. To those nay-sayers I have three words: Suck...My...Balls. The guy was 24, and had shown glimpses of his greatness during his previous seasons. So he put it all together. Don't tell me he all of a sudden got really good cause he wanted money. He made over $5 million last year anyways. His career averages are not too far from last season's production: .274 average, 25 homers, and 89 rbi's. Also, remember that he was usually not the 3 or 4 hitter until last year, which will take away from his stats. I think Beltre has the power needed to hit well in Safeco. Dodger Stadium is a notorius pitcher's park and he still put up big numbers there. He is also a HUGE improvement over the combined effort at third base last year where the mariners leader Scott "Mr. Versatility" Spiezio played 65 games and batted a WHOPPING .215. I hope I didn't set off my sarcasm alarm with that last comment. I feel that Beltre may not come close to his numbers from last year, but if he can hit say .290, with 30-35 homers and 90-105 rbi's, I will be happy.

So there you have it folks, the new editions to the Mariner family. Kudos to Howard Lincoln and Bill Bavasi. Odd, I never EVER thought I would say that, but oh well. Here is to hoping that the Mariners DON'T lose 99 games next year. And that they can get atleast 1 decent starting pitcher this offseason. Sorry, John Halama is taken...what where the Red Sox thinking when they signed him?

Get up on the downstroke
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: The Presidents - Supersonics
Well, continuing in my long, long line of sports related posts...Matt and I went to a Sonics game last night. Yes, Matt is back from jolly old England and back on the CORRECT side of the Atlantic. No more cucumber sandwiches, royal families, or chunnels for Matt. Back to shitty weather, pale skin and dumb people. Well, ok, so maybe England isn't so different from the U.S. Except for the accents. I STILL think that we speak the language as it was meant to be. I mean, how is it that when anyone sings in english it sound like american pronunciation? Just saying... SO anyways, back to the game. Matt and I had sweet seats (thanks to George, who is in Mexico right now...lucky bastard). And I don't think we left them the entire game. I really wanted a big foam finger but we got there like a minute late (I FUCKING HATE SEATTLE TRAFFIC ARGH!!!) so I didn't want to miss any of the game by buying a big finger. So I guess that quest will have to wait another day. BACK to the game. It was a thorough ass-kicking by the Sonics. The Lakers really played like shit. Kobe "I'm a whiny, selfish, crybaby bitch" Bryant had a great game for the Lakers. But that is easy to do when you never pass and you take rediculous shots that nobody else would take. I hate that guy. His most recent fit of jealously (after the shaq fiasco last year) is with the Mailman, Karl Malone. Now, I despise Karl Malone as much as the next guy, but this is one instance where I will back him up. WHO CARES that Karl hit on Kobe's wife. Have you seen her? She is unconsciously hot. And it isn't like Kobe is getting any after the whole rape trial. What a dumbass. You have a hot wife, millions of dollars in endorsement deals, and respect from fans and you go ahead and piss it away on some skanky white chick from Colorado? What the fuck man? If you are going to cheat on your wife, do it like Beckham and sleep with some of the hottest women in the world. Or not cheat at all and sleep with your very, VERY hot wife and have lots of babies. Some people. Again, back to the game. Some stupid people behind us were rooting for the Lakers. And in particular Kobe Bryant. And by stupid people I mean girls. Girls that were close to my age. This just confirms my theories on women. Why would you root for a selfish, whiny asshole that rapes women and cheats on his wife and has the middle name Bean (Im serious, check it if you dont believe me)? BECAUSE YOU ARE A DUMB WOMAN thats why! Only a dumb woman would cheer for a rapist when he scores, even though the team is down by 18...eighteen, Im going to go home soon because we are up by...EIGHTEEN. Sorry, that was a little diddy that some guy did in response to that group of dumb girls that were cheering for the lakers. It was funny at the time. AND NOW BACK TO THE GAME. So we won 108-93. A big win for the Sonics who continue to tear it up this year. A HUGE game from Rashard Lewis. The guy was on fire last night. 17 points in the first quarter and then that flurry of scores to end the game. He singlehandedly brought the house down. And I think he rekindled my love for basketball. Until recently, my inner basketball fan had been deceased. Partly from the Shawn Kemp trade, partly because the quality of play in the NBA has sucked recently, and partly because I grew to like baseball and football more. Now I consider myself a fan of 5 doomed sports franchises: The Detroit Tigers, The Detroit Lions, The Seattle Seahawks, The Seattle Mariners, and the Seattle Supersonics. Although I think the Lions are the most doomed of all the franchises. No matter who is there, they seem to lose and lose big. Atleast the Tigers have won a championship in my lifetime, albeit the year I was born, and the Mariners have been competitive while I have been a baseball fan. But no, nothing for the Lions. Barry Sanders retires and all hopes and dreams go with him. 1 playoff win in 50 years. ONE. Unless you are a fan of the Cardinals, you have no argument with me about doomed franchises. NONE. Fucking Lions. ON TO THE PICTURES!

After several solid seasons, is this the big breakout year for Rashard Lewis?

Ok, this picture PROVES Kobe is a whiny bitch. Notice the trail of tears on his face. Again, look at his wife. So hot. Please tell me why you would want to cheat on your wife? Please?

OK, so I knew Beckham was a football genius, but by wearing this shirt he proves to be an intellectual genius! Thats right people, even the greatest footballer in the world loves the University of Michigan.

Fear him, hate him, despise him, or loathe him...George Bush is a terrible president
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: The Music - Breakin'
Well, I have spent nearly the entire day scouring the internets for random stuff. I found a couple of troubling things. Well, actualy, a LOT of troubling things. One was THIS video clip of the first presidential debate. Yes that debate was like two months ago but it still shows how much of a terrible speaker/huge moron/eater of babies/fascist asshole Bush truly is. GOD I hate that guy. And yet he won again. Unbeleivable. Ok, ok, I won't do that rant all over again right now. Maybe later. I also found a very sad picture of Bush made of the faces of every soldier that has died in Iraq.

Oh yeah, I remember that, and all those seals died and Dan Rather reported it...or maybe it was Connie Chung I can't remember...
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: The Music - Welcome to the North
In case you are wondering what the hell the title of this post is, it is a brief sampling of the family guy episode when Peter discovers he has a black ancestor and then goes to a show at the Apollo. So today I got harrassed by the man. And it wasn't so bad. I got a restraining order...HAZAA! And no it wasn't for anything like stalking or making creepy phone calls and when the person answers instead of talking you just breath heavily. No my friends, I got a restraining order for...pissing off my high school baseball coach. Yep, that is correct. Did I do anything? Nothing he can prove and I have not seen or done anything to him in over a year and a half. And by "doing" I mean egging his house. What is totally fucked up about this whole ordeal is that he lied to get the restraining order. None of the things he lists as evidence are actually true. Which means I get to fuck with him in court. I am seriously considering filing either A) a defamation/slander/harrassment lawsuit B) going to court to argue the "facts" in the restraining order and bitch slapping the piss out of the idiot judge that issued it C) Sueing the asshole for emotional and physical damages due to stress caused by the lies he has been spreading or D) all of the above. My choice is D. Simply because I am sick and tired of this guy being an asshole to everyone and nobody doing anything about it. Guess what Dave? I have 2 and a half weeks of free time, a good amount of money and I'm super pissed off. Congratulations you pair of fucking clown shoes, I am going to do to you what you have done to everyone else. Can you smell that? Yes, mmm...sweet, sweet revenge. Since I was distracted all day, here is a brilliant comic from Asher Sarlin, creator of Elephantitis of the Mind. ENJOY!

Honestly, who could be expected to make the right decision

THE 50th POST
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
So friends, it has come to this, I have finally reached the 50th post on my blog. I think that is fairly impressive considering that I most of my posts are rather long and have pictures that require hours of painstaking manipulation in MS Paint. Well, as a special treat for my legions...er I mean legion of fans, I have decided to reveal how my blogging genius came to be. In order to do this I have to give a detailed personal history. Fear not, this won't be one of those lame-ass auto-biographies that you get from politicians, celebrities or athletes. No, I will give a fun, dare I say adventurous glimpse into my life story. So sit back, get comfortable and prepare yourself for: Wait, What Just Happened? The Chris Hahn Story

Long ago, in a land full of people wearing Carhartt jackets and snow shoes, a dashing yound lad was born to an artist and a crane operator. Upon his birth, citizens flocked to awe and marvel at his awesomeness. Truly he was an amazing baby, and I was not that baby. I was born in Petosky, Michigan. Although I would rather claim to be from Charlevoix for the record.

The events surrounding my birth are quite unheralded, but still awesome. My mom had to fight a shark to the death just to get a parking space in the hospital parking lot. My dad was forced to eat 60 hotdogs in an hour so the doctor would deliver me. Granted these heppenings aren't worthy of legend, but they are impressive nonetheless. Michigan is where I get my super powers. I guess my fortress of solitude would have to be happy valley, where everyone is happy all the time...or else. In that farm country I draw from both my dutch and german genes. Combining skills in irrigation, wind mills, and wooden clogs with alcohol consumption and the ability to wear lederhosen to become the oozing mass of awesomeness that I am. I'm not so sure I like to describe myself as an oozing mass of anything but oh well, it is written and I can't change it now cause that would just make me some sort of revisionist history guy. And that would be lame.

Now that my creation is out of the way, I will discuss my long and completely non-boring journey to Whidbey Island and eventually Bellingham. SO after my birth, my parents realized that my power was too great to keep in Michigan so I moved with my mom to Florida. Yes somehow being amongst SO many old people made me stronger. Unfortunately, I have never been able to get the old person smell out of my skin, which probably effects my chances with the ladies....FOR THE BETTER! I mean WHO doesn't like the scent of a 60 year old man? Adam Sandler reference anyone?

Moving along. So whilst in Florida, I fought several wild beasts (alligator, squirrel, shark, titmouse, three toed sloth, republicans) and garnered numerous scars. Mostly on my head. Which accounts for the 180+ stitches I have up there. Here is to hoping I never go bald...and that my gene pool is strong enough to keep hair on my head. Realizing that my potential would never be reached in Floridia, I moved to Washington. State, not D.C. I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME THAT. How about this, people from D.C. can say that they are from The District of Columbia and people from Washington can say they are from FUCKING WASHINGTON. GOD I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME THAT. It wasn't so bad the first 10,000 times but Jesus Tapdancing Christ it sure is fucking annoying now.

So anyways. In Washington I get bombarded with liberalism AND rational thought. Lord only knows how I would have turned out if I had stayed in Florida. Probably prefer prune smoothies, golf pants, matlock, republicans and matlock instead of schnapps, jeans, the simpsons, any kind of non brainwashing political conglomorate and of course the family guy. Fast forward a few years and I'm right in the middle of my experience on Whidbey Island. The English language has no words that could adiquately describe my feelings of this Island. Some good and some utterly, utterly bad. Eventually, I made the Island my bitch and moved to Bellingham to conquer the rest of my life.

My travels across the country have tought me many things: People are stupid. People are assholes. People come. People go. Smart people are few and far between. Friendship comes and goes and sometimes dies. Their is no such thing as fair and balanced. Life is just one big empty moment that needs to be filled with something, ANYTHING.

Because I love Jesus as much as the next guy...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: David Bowie & Queen - Under Pressure
So I realize that it is 4 am right now and I have totally fucked up my sleeping pattern. So what if I stayed up for over 24 hours yesterday. For no reason. None. Oh well. So now that I am back to being a racoon, I have time to perouse the internets during the wee hours of the night...AND rummage through garbage. I stumbled upon THIS website about an hour ago. If you are the uber serious, tight ass, bible thumping, conservative that can't take a joke or laugh at anything serious than I hope you die...and you shouldn't visit this site. It is basically a bunch of cartoons about Jesus. Here is one of my favorites. Notice how I don't hog my cartoon finds like some squirrel preparing for winter by hoarding nuts...kindof like caleb? Please excuse my poor humor. Appearantly when I become nocturnal I lack the ability to be funny. In other news, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2 comes out tomorrow. And I will soon spend all of my waking hours playing that game just like I did with the first one.

Not that he needs it, but here is some shameless promotion for J
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Fastball - Out of My Head
Well, for those of you who think I hold a grudge against our friends across the pond...I do. But as always, I have exceptions. Brady's buddy J being one of them. He has a rather sweet blog that I feel is worth checking out. I give it a couple of thumbs up. click here for J's blog

Feeling Random, So here is a brief re-enactment of a Family Guy scene
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Oasis - Hello
"Peter this is just like the time you bought that cloud insurance."
"Just look at those clouds...plotting away."
(cut away to two clouds)