THE HOTTEST WOMEN ACCORDING TO ME
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Radiohead - Kid A
So now that I am back from a hockey game (Western kicked the crap out of UW 5-1) I feel the need to talk about hot women. Don't ask me how those two relate because I can't really explain it or even rationalize my thought process. Anyways. The following list that I am about to present to you is not in any order but I WILL reveal who I think is the hottest woman on earth at the end. While making this list, I searched for NON-skanky/slutty pictures because I want to make a point. The point being that my definition of what makes a girl hot are certain characteristics ASIDE from sluttyness. Things I DON'T like and automatically disqualifies a women from this list are: sluttyness, bimbo-like qualities, fakeness, too much makeup, and being Jessica Simpson, JLo, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, or having the last name Hilton. So what makes a girl hot? A good smile, a unique look, and making me happy in my special place. ON TO THE LIST!

Eliza Dushku
Some of you may be asking yourselves, where is she from? Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Tru Callings? NO...actually, yes, but I was thinking more along the lines of Bring it On.

Eva Mendes
I have to say she is possibly the hottest woman on earth. Almost a dead ringer for Cindy Crawford (who just missed the list) and she even has the mole. I am partial to facial moles since I have one. I think they are hot. And Eva is definitely hot.

Kristin Davis
Charlotte from Sex in The City makes the list simple because she is cute as hell and somehow extremely sexy at the same time. Imagine the cuteness of a kitten mixed with the raw, oozing sex appeal of say...fabio.

Shakira
Okay, okay so this is still a carry-over from my senior year in high school. She is still wicked hot. She writes her own songs, and sings in both spanish AND english. And they way she moves her hips makes my pants really tight.

Elisha Cuthbert
I think Matt will agree with me when I say that she is the hottest person on 24 (although keifer is a close second...maybe president palmer). Even with a bad hair cut she is still amazingly hot. Dare I say...en fuego?

Tyra Banks
Alright so this is from middle school. I remember when I saw her on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue and feeling strange and wonderous new things. Not only is she hot but she is a pretty good producer and really funny. And she dated Mark Messier. That is awesome.

Sandra Bullock
Some of you might be saying, Sandra Bullock...um wasn't she in that movie with Keanu Reeves? Yes, yes she was. And she has been hot in every film since. She spent some time on Whidbey while filming Practical Magic. For that I apologize to her. No person should EVER experience the agony that is Whidbey Island, especially Coupeville.

Keira Knightley
Um yeah. She is the type that is SO hot that I can't really think of words to describe her so I just revert back to a sort of caveman state where I point and use a series of grunts. Kudos to England for producing this extremely beautiful woman.

Jennifer Garner
By FAR the greatest thing to EVER come out of West Virginia. I think she is actually the first, second, and third best thing to come from West Virginia. She is probably the closest thing to the dictionary definition of hot that you can find.

Natalie Portman
Okay, so aside from being a really good actress, she is wicked smart(went to harvard, speaks four languages), well travelled (born in Jerusalem), and wicked hot. And she is in 3 star wars movies. So she will be hot for an innumerable amount of nerds for decades to come.

And the winner is: Natalie Portman. For the longest time it was Jennifer Garner but I have had a recent change of heart. Partly because Garden State was a great movie and Portman was really charming in it and because Jennifer Garner is dating Ben Affleck. I mean seriously, that is the WORST judgement and further proves my theories about women. I hope they have a bunch of talentless babies that have huge heads and star in crappy jerry bruckheimer movies. GOSH!

Why Ricky Williams is THE man
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Radiohead - True Love Waits
Ok, so another sports post...STFU already! This time I salute Ricky Williams, one of the most gifted potheads of all-time. If you don't know about Ricky, allow me to fill you in. In college, he set the all-time rushing record, won the Heisman(award for best college football player), AND played minor league baseball in the Phillies system. In the NFL, he rushed for over 6,500 yards in just 5 seasons. The guy dominated. BUT he was and is different. He tested positive for pot twice and faced a four game suspension if he were to play this season. Instead, Ricky gives a big middle finger to the NFL AND the Miami Dolphins (who I hate) and flies to Asia and then back to California where he is now studying alternative medicine at a community college in (this is NOT a joke) grass county, California. Ok, so The Dolphins sued Ricky because he retired and they didn't want to pay him the 8.6 MILLION dollars that they still owed him. Well, long story short, Ricky lost his case and has to pay back the money...or atleast I'm pretty sure he will lose his case because the NFL sucks ass when it comes to honoring contracts with players. What really chaps my ass is the fact that pot is a banned substance. Um, last time I checked (two weeks ago) Pot does NOT enhance your ability to do anything but eat count chocula cereal and pop tarts. So what if Ricky rocks the gonja every once in awhile. OR every day. So fucking what. And boo-hoo to all these high-and-mighty NFL talk show analists that say Ricky is a quitter. You know what? Maybe he wanted to do something else. Maybe he didn't want to play football anymore. Maybe he wanted to go to asia and smoke lots of weed and study crazy indian healing methods instead of getting the shit knocked out of him by 300 pound lineman every week. He already has more money than he could ever need. So why keep playing? Kudos Ricky. I support you. Continuing with my rant about banned substances, does anyone think it to be odd that cough medicine, vitamins, and pot are considered performance enhancing drugs? Funny huh? Some sports officials have WAY too much fucking free time.

Least homoerotic post ever
Mood:  smelly
Now Playing: U2 - With Or Without You
So if you have been hiding under a rock or a bridge of sorts and have not been watching espn today you may not know that Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds admitted to using steroids. Personally, I don't think that steroids make you a better baseball player. The fact that Bonds was a hall of fame player BEFORE the year 2000 makes the whole "steroids made him better" argument a load of bullshit. The same goes for Giambi. Sure he was a beanpole for his whole life, but he was drafted in the second round in 1992, he was on the Olympic team, and he did well BEFORE he was an MVP. See kids, steroids don't increase the reaction time necesary to hit a 98 mph fastball or an 80 mph curveball that starts out at your head and breaks to your knees. Steroids don't improve your swing mechanics or hand-eye coordination. All of those things are what makes a great swing. What steroids DO help improve are increased acne, scarred and dead tissue around the area of injection, smaller and non-functioning testicles, uncontrolable mood swings that lead to violence, liver, heart and kidney failure, various cancers and tumors (testicluar being a really fun one). But it does make you stronger and bigger. Just look at these photos I have put together of Bonds and Giambi. I did NOT doctor these photos at ALL. Except for the steroid bottles. These are before and after pictures.

The picture on the left is of Bonds when he was in the minors. Pretty skinny huh? Bonds is huge now. Capital "H" u-g-e. And he is a world class asshole. He claims he didn't know that what he was given by his trainer was steroids. BITCH PLEASE. I'm not that dumb, and neither are the american people. Well...atleast I'm not that dumb.

Now on to Giambi. The guy was an amazing athelete in high school. He was all-state in basketball, football and baseball. He stuck with Baseball and probably made the right choice. The picture on the left is of him in the minor leagues in 93 or 94. Ironically he played for the same organization that Bonds did when he was in the minors. The picture on the right was taken in 2000. Right when, as he admitted to, he started to take steroids, human growth hormone, and even a female fertility drug (wtf?).

So after seeing some of MY idols do steroids, and seeing their results, I decided to follow in their footsteps. I mean, I AM an impressionable young guy, and other people in society are dumb enough to do this. I started this experiment about two months ago. And I have to say that it worked. See for yourself. These photos are not doctored in any way. Nope...not at all. These are ALL REAL.

So starting out, I was your typical 90 pound weakling. And appearantly I liked wearing leaves instead of underoos. And my nipples were brown. Anyways. By day 30 I had noticed some extra muscle. My bulge was still intact and I had not experienced any shrinkage. I did notice that I was lashing out at Brady more often. He ended up calling the cops on me...stupid spousal abuse. I mean what? Moving along. So, day 90. As you can see I was so big that I almost needed a manziere to hold back my man boobs. Also, my package had completely disappeared and I had a really bad fake tan. And I lost all my body hair. Which really wasn't that much to begin with.

To sum my experiment up, I guess it really was not that great. I began wearing spandex biking shorts, which is NOT HOT. My skin tone on my face didn't match the skin tone of my body. I lost my bulge. Don't do steroids kids. Steroids are bad. I will end with a quote from Jimmy of South Park "Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics. Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. You're just a big fat p-p...p...pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say, "Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-pussy steroid-taking jackass." That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor.

How to spend seven hours on campus when you don't need to
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Led Zeppelin - Over the hills and far away
So I spent SEVEN hours on campus today when I had no class AND I didn't need to study. Well, I DID have to get my student's grades together and give them their packets. But other than that it was a fairly uneventful day. Good times.

It has been a long time...long time...lonely, lonely time...
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Ramble On - Led Zeppelin
So it has been a couple days huh? And having waited long enough for death threats and hate mail to come in from my last post, I feel that it is time to move on. SO...Moving along now. This post is dedicated to the most underappreciated cartoon of ALL-TIME. No it is not Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law (which is friggin hilarious), or Aqua Teen Hunger Force (that show gets enough credit), or even Batman the Animated series (the one from the early 90's that was dark and more like the comic book). The most underappreciated and underrated cartoon is (drum roll) UNDERGRADS. Yes it is the show that aired from April-August of 2001 on MTV. Having spent many nights watching this cartoon with my buddies, it is easy to see why this show kicked so much ass: because it relates to anyone that watches it...but especially college students. The basic premise for the show is four high school buddies that graduate and go to college. Two go to the state university (Cal and Nitz), one goes to Techerson Tech (Gimpy), and the other goes to a sketchy community college of sorts (Rocko). Basically, the show is about college life, and other things related to it. I guess you could say it is an animated seinfeld for teenagers because it really is a show about nothing. Minus the superman references and puffy shirts. I found out that Undergrads is on dvd now, so I highly recommend getting a copy of it, or downloading the series if you have an outrageously fast internet connection. NOW FOR THE PICTURES!

Gimpy - Gimpy is a nerd. Plain and simple. He has a fetish with star wars movies and coffee. As well as never sleeping on his own bed. He also twitches uncontrollably at times and makes odd noises. He reminds me of my friends brady (from whidbey...or seattle as he prefers) and tom.

Nitz - He is the central character. The guy that everyone knows but can't quite remember. He also has ladies throwing themselves at him and he is totally clueless. He reminds me of Matt.

Cal - The typical ladies man. Also dumb as a stump AND a box of rocks. Has lots of sex with lots of women and the ladies can't get enough. He reminds me of Jeff Dawg and George.

Rocko - This guy is possibly the biggest asshole ever. That or he is just too dumb to realize what he is saying or doing. He does have his moments of clarity. He reminds me of Jeramy and myself.


Go check out Undergrads. Good stuff. Sorry for the lame post. I'm a bit um, preoccupied.

Corrections
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Oasis - What's the story morning glory
Okay Okay, I hear the bitching and insults about Oasis. I like it...so...FUCK OFF! Anyways, last night while I was listening on my short wave radio, I came across some information that has led me to believe that my post about Caleb has some factual inaccuracies. First off, I would like to state that I am never wrong...

Second, my trips to the future are never wrong

Third, since I can't and don't drink beer, ALL beer is the same to me. Sorry if that sounds racist...err BEERcist. Fourth, well, um, hmmm...okay so that is pretty much it. Appearantly, Caleb is also a BEER snob as well (my apologies to the good folks at Pabst Blue Ribbon and Miller High life but I guess Caleb is too good for you). Chicken Pitas give Caleb's gas and thus are not worth fighting for, which makes since considering that Caleb's prefer Pirogis (sp) and Bagels over some pita that is as addicting as crack or heroin. Or crackoine if you will. And Caleb's only wear ceremonial togas or monkey suits when beating the crap out of republicans and then drinking their blood.

I guess I have failed as a wildlife researcher. Please excuse me while I go vomit to make myself thinner because now all I have are my looks instead of my intellect.

I take the blame
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Open Your Eyes - Goldfinger
They lost. I can't believe they lost. I knew I jinxed them. I knew it. I have learned that god is a vengeful god. "OH SPITEFUL ONE, SHOW ME WHO TO SMITE AND THEY SHALL BE SMOTED" - Homer Simpson. I feel like such a heretic. Stupid Buckeyes.

Tribute
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Some Indpendent/Trendy/Unknown Musician
So I wanted to create a post for one of my friends that I feel doesn't get the recognition he deserves. This post is dedicated to the Cuddle Monster himself: Caleb Heeringa. After living with the guy for a year, I feel I am qualified to create such a grand and revealing post about him. The Caleb is a rare and mysterious creature. At times he can be seen downing beer

monkey suiting, shit-dollaring or even staying up past 10 on weekends. At other times, he disappears for weeks at a time. Some scientists speculate that caleb's prefer cave troll like dwellings and newsrooms as they provide perfect settings for hermit-like behavior. Caleb's also possess a higher aptitude for politics and independent music, which coupled with dutchness makes them superior beings. The type of Caleb that is indiginous to the NorthWest area tends to break lent and play guitar...and grow creepy facial hair. Some people may be asking, "How can I tell if I am friends with a caleb?" Well, Caleb's have several distinguishing physical characteristics. Gangliness is one, look for limp wrists and random flailing of limbs. Soft hands is another key feature. Dave Mathews band memorabilia are also common. But the most telling sign of a Caleb is if its carpet does not match its drapes.

But in all seriousness, Caleb is a badass friend. And a pretty stand up guy. Here are some pictures of caleb's adventures here at western and across the globe:

This one was taken when caleb led a rebellion against the Pita Pit when they raised the price of a chicken pita from 4.50 to 5.50. Needless to say, bodies hit the floor.

This next one was taken when caleb was investigating the corrupt AS elections last year. Much like Dick Tracy, caleb kicked ass and took names. AND bagged a hot chick.

Here is a picture of Caleb prior to one of his catwalk appearances. It is a little known fact that Caleb is a male model on the weekends. I figured it out when he gave a friggin AWESOME yagoogaly at some guys funeral. And if you watch him closely, caleb only makes right turns...

Here is a picture that I obtained from travelling into the future. So in the future, Caleb takes down the conservative media and spares nobody. Here he is beating the crap out of human dildo Bill O'Reilly.

And finally, here is photographic evidence that caleb is the sexiest man alive. Screw that Jude Law. British people aren't hot (except for Keira Knightly and Elizabteh Hurley).

SO as you can see, Caleb is a badass. And should be treated as such.

For Shame
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Cake - The Distance
So just in case you haven't seen or heard about this, there was a huge brawl at the Pistons and Pacers basketball game in Detroit tonight. Unbelievable. I don't blame the players. Ben Wallace over-reacted a bit to Ron Artests foul, he could have played it cool. The players need to hold themselves to a higher standard. I mean come on guys, what the fuck? You don't cross that line. I don't fucking care man. You don't do that. Fans, what the fuck guys? You don't throw shit at players or attack them. Come on. We aren't british. GOD DAMNIT. Way to fucking ruin it for the rest of us. WAY TO BE A HOLES! Unbelievable. I'm so sad about this. This really disappoints me. I'm disappointed in the players AND the fans. Whatever happened to good old fashioned heckling? Like rhyming the players name with something stupid? Or making creating funny signs to heckle players. Or even just spouting yo' mama jokes at players. Don't throw beer, don't throw popcorn. What are you people, retarded? Didn't you just pay like 10 bucks for that beer? Wasn't that popcorn like 7 bucks? Who is that dumb to disgrace the game they love? I don't want to sound like some bleeding heart liberal/churchie here but did anyone think of the children? There were kids in the stand that are probably scarred from this. i saw footage of kids crying looking like they had lost all faith in humanity. That is not cool. Not cool. Seriously. Grow up everyone.

5 psych experiments in 1 glorious day
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: that annoying hum from the computers in the library
So I have just finished my 4th of 5 psych experiments today. Why am I participating in so many experiments? Well because I am an idiot and signed up for two that were worth .25 credits. Talk about dumb. I have spent my entire day on campus and I don't even have class today or the need to study. SO LAME. SO VERY VERY LAME. Also, my hip still hurts. It actually throbs with pain. I have seen myself walking (by glancing at the windows as I pass by) and have noticed that I look like Igor from young frankenstein when I walk. I'm all hunched over in pain with a noticeable limp. I guess I will just have to amputate. Haha.

This is me for the day: Professor Frink...master of all things scientific and psychological.