Does Barry Bonds do Steroids? Does the pope poo in the woods? Wait a minute...
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Across The Universe - The Beatles
So A lot of press has been focused on Barry Bonds and his chase for the homerun record. Currently he sits at 713. One short of Babe Ruth and still 42 short of Hank Aaron. In case you've been living under a rock, or to be more specific, dead, for the last 4 years, Bonds has been strongly linked with steroids, BALCO, etc. It doesn't help that he is extremely short tempered with the media, tends to be a huge asshole, and is a gigantic racist (both physically and metaphorically). I know I did a previous post about this, but I really want to focus on something different with this one. Recently, I have been reading, watching, listening, etc. to a bunch of so-called "pundits" that claim to know what the fuck they are talking about. These dumbasses say that Bonds, because of his steroid use, shouldn't be allowed to pass the immortal Ruth because he is a terrible person that cheats and disrespects the game. Um, hello? Where are you sane and rational thinking? You've been missed these last 5 years. Let me clarify something: Babe Ruth was not and never will be a fucking saint. The man gambled, boozed, did drugs, and slept with so many women that he was considered shawn kemp decades before shawn kemp even existed. Plus, Babe Ruth was a terrible teammate. He refused to play in games, missed practices, cursed out coaches, teammates, and umpires. People need to stop thinking of ruth like this:

The guy was basically a terrible human being and an even worse ambassador for the game. If babe ruth lived today, this is what he would probably look like:

Now back to Bonds. Yes Barry Bonds is an asshole, yes he is a racist (if you don't believe me, try reading his statements, or the book "Game of Shadows"), yes he took steroids and cheated (seriously, if you don't think he did, you are just as dumb as all the people that support george bush, jerry falwell, pat roberts, and republicans), but Barry Bonds was and is a hall of famer. Let me break things down for you.

Prior to 2001, the year in which it is widely acknowledged that Bonds played a full season while taking roids, the man was a sure fire hall of famer. Lets check the career stats til then:
494 homeruns, 1405 RBI, 471 stolen bases, .289 Batting Average.
This means that his average season before 2001 was:
.289avg, 37hr, 105rbi, 35steals.
The guy was THE most complete baseball player in the game, along with a certain mr. griffey jr. He was mvp 3 times before 2001. He was a gold glove outfielder every year from 1990-1998 (except 1995). He led the league in OPS (slugging% + on base%) 5 times before 2001. If Barry Bonds would've died before 2001, he would have been a sure fire hall of famer. So he took steroids. So did nearly 15% of players (according to positive, but private, test results) and many, MANY more if you listen to some current and former players. So he cheated. So does every current player that takes HGH, and trust me, many are. Baseball, and in particular, fans and writers, need to stop being such fucking hypocrites. Just because Ruth is dead, and dominated an era with a small yankee stadium, and is therefore glorified in myth and legend, doesn't mean he is a better person or player than Bonds. All this being said, I still hate Bonds, he is a dick, and should just lighten the fuck up, but he won't so I will continue to hate him. Oh, and here is some photographic evidence for those of you that don't believe he took steroids.
Before:

After:

End of discussion.

The second coming of judas...and why I need to start working out
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: The Black Keys-All hands against his own
So in case you have been living under a fucking rock for the last 48 hours, I have some shocking news: Johnny Damon (aka Captian Caveman, Jesus of the outfield, conquerer of the evil empire, idiot, etc) the All-Star center fielder for the Boston Red Sox has done the unthinkable and unforgiveable and signed with the most evil of all sports franchises: The New York Yankees. That is no typo, Johnny Damon is now officially a sellout of the same calibre as A-Rod, except his betrayal goes far beyond the financial profligacy and mercinary intent showed by A-Rod when decided to rival krusty the clown and join the rangers. No, Damon's sin is far worse. He left a team only a year removed from winning its first world series since 1918 to join their archrivals. Sure other redsox have done this, and with the way that free agency has become in baseball and other sports for that matter, it is much more common for these types of moves to occur. However, no matter how much money is thrown around, the final decision rests with the player. The Yankees offered 4 years and 52 million. A rediculous sum for a centerfielder who probably has only 2 or 3 good seasons left. This just proves that nearly every player just goes for the money. Which does make sense, I mean, honestly, would you stay at a job you loved but payed you minimum wage or would you go to a job that payed you a significant amount more and was not quite as pleasurable? If you say that you would want to stay with the first job you are nuts, and you are lying, yes...you are...stop denying it. Very rarely do you see job loyalty in the business world let alone sports, so why do fans get so upset when players do the same thing that any average joe would do? Because fans are idiots. I am willing to admit i'm an idiot and I will explain why. First off, fans, ALL FANS are hypocrites. I just explained this with the financial aspect previously. But also, even the most diehard fan criticizes his team or players, jumps on bandwagons, jumps off bandwagons, and just plain acts retarded. For proof of this behavior, ask for a fans reaction of the last few drafts that their team had. I am certain you will hear a few "that guy is worthless," or "our gm is fucking retarded" lines that would not make them seem like a fan. Another reason fans are idiots is that they spend an unhealthy portion of their income to support their team and players when these people make millions upon millions upon millions of dollars. Step back and think about the disgusting amount of money that professional athletes make. Do these people contribute THAT much to society? Are they curing cancer? Are they eliminating poverty? Are they providing better education for the youth of America? No, no, no and NO!. Now picture that amount of money and tell me that could not be put to use solving some of america's other problems. If pro athletes made the same salary as say, a firefighter, I would find it much easier to support and relate to them. Another thing that makes fans idiots is that they care more about the games and the sports than the athletes do. This is already been proved by the mercinary-like behavior of athletes and their continued disregard for the "integrity" and "honor" of the game when the sell their services to the highest bidder, take performance enhancing drugs to cheat (to get more money), taunt and humiliate other professionals (to get more exposure and money), this list goes on forever. Why would any sane person support players when they all consistently do these things? Ok, i'm done, i'm tired, and I think my anger about Johnny Damon has gone away. Fuck that guy. Fuck him up his stupid ass.

Worst Advertising Campaign Ever
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Lyla-Oasis
Alright, so as some of you may know, I have been compared to a raccoon. Mostly because I became nocturnal and rummaged through garbage towards the end of last year. Well, I have come to embrace the majestic raccoon and all of its splendor. While I like raccoons, I find that even something as glorious as this little fella

Has his negative points. One being that raccoons are not picky animals. I mean, they rummage through garbage and pick fights with my dog for crying out loud. They are like the desparate yet loveable drug addicts of the world...stealing food to feed their families.

This is why it puzzles me that the home of the square burger (sorry White Castle) has decided to use my brethren to sell their food.

I mean, seriously, this has to be the dumbest advertising ploy ever.
First, raccoons rummage through garbage as I have previously stated.
Second, they are animals and that automatically means that their decision-making abilities are severly impared. I mean, would you trust your dog's taste in food when he licks his own ass? Of course not.
Third, raccoons, as far as I am aware of, cannot speak, which means that these commercials are completely farsical and this only brings shame to all parties involved, especially wendy's.
Fourth, I fucking hate wendy's. I don't trust little redheaded girls and I don't trust dave thomas, even if he is dead, which I doubt he is. I don't want some creepy old man and his freckled daughter selling me food. In fact, I don't like ANY character selling me food, especially fast food. Unless it happens to be count chocula. That guy kicks ass.

Seriously, Fuck Wendys.

Mokela Embebe
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Clint Eastwood-Gorillaz
So I know that this post follows the one before it by like 20 minutes but bear with me. Since the events around this story happened like a month ago, and I don't feel like using the past tense because I'm lazy and I think tenses are for suckers, I will translate the story into the present. Which is not a tense since it is always changing. And because Vin Diesel said so. Anyways, so Brady, Matt and I are watching TV and believe it or not, we are watching the History Channel. Why you ask? Because Chef Tony wasn't on the air AND because it was a show about Bigfoot and other legendary creatures like el Chupacabra, Cuddle Monster, Maleb, and Mokela Embebe. What is Mokela Embebe? Well don't you wish you knew. Mokela Embebe is a ferocious dinasaur that survived millions of years in the jungles of the Congo and lives only in this one large lake. Being such a large creature, Mokela Emebe, pictured below, is king of the jungle...FUCK the Lion. They don't even live in jungles. They are fucking cats. And cats suck balls. Moving along.

So as I was saying, Mokela Embebe is so large it cannot possibly have a nemesis. Oh what a foolish statement that is. For according to the experts on the show Brady, Matt, and I are watching, Mokela Embebe HATES hippos and kills them upon seeing them.

Why? Well, it all begins back when the Hippos King, King Uncle Hippo Jesse XIV reigned over the jungle of Congo back in the 12th century. Up until this point, Hippos and Mokela Embebes had lived in a peaceful coexistence. Oftentimes they would frolic in the fields. Occasionally they would participate in intramural softball leagues. But all of this changed when King Uncle Hippo Jesse gave a wooden nickle to a young Mokela Embebe and refused to apologize. A feud began and Hippos began to perish. I myself support the Mokela Embebe cause. Fuck Hippos.

Long time no blog...New contender for Gangliest man ever
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Trouble-Ray LaMontagne
Alright, so I know its been what now, 3 or 4 months? If that upsets you then you really need to get your priorities straight. Seriously, my random, er RANTOM thoughts aren't worth even typing, let alone reading. Imagine what I think of myself. Anyways, so living with Brady has reawakened an interest that I used to have for soccer, or football to every other person outside of America. But according to my government, you foreign people don't really matter anyways so I will call it both. Because I want to. Anyways, living with Brady has also turned me into a fairly serious Liverpool fan. Enough to where I skipped school to watch the Champions league final and I have been reading the transfer market rumors everyday this summer. And I have been reading the teams history page. And reading stats from seasons past. So basicly I'm becoming a fanatic just like I am for Michigan and Detroit Lions football. So I read this week that Liverpool finally signed Peter Crouch.

Now, some people may be wondering why Liverpool have signed the gangly, 6'7" striker. I don't want to get too technical here because Brady does enough of that on his anfield blog, but I will make a bold prediction and say that Crouch will actually do more than what Baros did in the last 5 months of the Premiership last season. Which basicly means if he scores oh I dunno, say 2 goals he will be amazing. I am more interested in his freakish gangliness. I mean, I have spent hours trying to find out what kind of animal he looks like. At first, I thought maybe an insect:

Even though their are some "striking" resemblences (sorry, I had to go for the pun) here, I fealt that it wasn't quite right. Yes there was gangliness and a little creepiness, but a Praying mantis isn't as prolific in front of net like most humans. So I ventured down to the Zoo when I was shocked to see an awesome Peter Crouch impersonator:

Okay, so maybe this one isn't as fair but still, just think about it. Both creatures pictured above are tall, gangly, have HUGE teeth, large tongues (appearantly crouch likes to grab leaves off of tree branches with his tongue for sustanence...I'm not too sure what ol' geoffrey does) but I still fealt like something was missing. So I went back home and was amazed when I saw my parrot "striking" (sorry again) an all too familiar pose:

Really, the similarities are, well, similar. Aside from the plumage, which peter crouch does his best to imitate, I'd say my parrot could be making some decent money at Anfield next season as half-time entertainment as an impersonator. But even after these three fruitful searches, I still didn't think I had found a perfect match. Then I had an epiphony. I varitable gold-mine of gangliness was visiting my apartment on a daily bases. I even lived with the guy. Yes, I had found my match. And it was glorious:

Seriously, separated at birth applies here. Except for the fact that Crouch is 3 years older than Caleb and was born in a different Country. I heard rumors about Kelly Heeringa but I wasn't sure until I compared the photgraphical evidence.

On a more serious note, I would like to say that I don't think that Peter Crouch is an ugly man. I mean, I am compared to racoons. I hope he produces for LFC. It should be an exciting season.

Who the hell does George Bush think he is?
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Ludacris-Number 1 spot
Alright, I know I rip on Bush a lot. And it might get old. Wait a minute. No it doesn't. It never gets old because this guy continues to be such an arrogant asshole that lies and deceives and forces people to see things his way. Bush's latest bullshit move has been his activities related to the death of the Pope. Now, let me clarify a few things here. The Pope, who was arguably one of the greatest humanitarian pontiffs in history, died and millions of catholics as well as other people mourned him. During his life, Pope JP2 (hey, i'm american, I have no time to spell things out all the time. Plus it makes the Pope seem more hip and like a jurrassic park movie) visited numerous countries, helped bring down communism, brought a humanitarian side to catholicism, apologized for Catholic ignorance related to the holocaust, met with numerous other religious leaders and actually made catholocism somewhat compassionate (like it is supposed to be...remember how compassionate that dude Jesus was?). Now let us review George Bush's life. Born in Connecticut, NOT FUCKING TEXAS, raised the son of a millionaire father. Gets "accepted" to Yale, gets C's, goes on to Harvard and gets more C's all the while being a retarded drunken frat boy. Twenty years filled with cocaine, booze, dui's extremely shady business deals pass and suddenly he "finds" god. I would like to know WHERE he found him because honestly, I think he found some homeless dude while coked up and hammered because Bush does not follow the teachings of the bible. But I digress. So after several failed jobs as the head of oil companies, Bush tries his hand at managing the texas rangers. What happened? More failure. Then he dupes a bunch of Texans into electing him their governer (gee, how hard can it be to trick a Texan) and then a few years later he pulls the same trick on America. Now that we know the background of these two people, lets do a little compare/contrast activity. Bush likes invading countries with no evidence and then when seeing something positive come out of the clusterfuck he created, claims that those were his real motivations for war. The pope condemned Bush's actions and actually garnered respect from Muslim leaders for doing so (hmmm...Bush could learn something from this). Bush converted to a moronic form of christianity known as evangelicalism. This form of chritianity is known for tricking idiots into sending in money to the preachers. Sounds like Bush learned a lot. The Pope leads a stupid form of christianity known as Catholocism. I fucking hate catholocism and all organized religion for that matter. The only thing organized religion does is fuck up a great idea and becomes corrupted by men. Atleast the Pope tried to do some good things with his power. So what exactly has got me so pissed off? If you happened to read any news articles about Bush and the Pope or seen the press conferences you would know.
The main thing that pissed me off is how Bush and his cronies are saying how he is so similar to the Pope. Um...no. I'm sorry, that is about the biggest load of shit I have ever heard. How can anyone in their right mind believe this shit? Bush's people claim that both men had a strong passion for humanitarianism. Huh? Correct me if I am wrong but isn't bush the worst environmental president in history? And isn't man in charge of the care of the earth? (see the bible...genesis would be a good starting point) Sounds pretty humane to me. This is also the same president that loves the death penalty (just look at his "home" state). The Pope does not condone the death penalty and in fact has discussed his displeasure of Bush's use of the death penalty many times. Killing people. Pretty humane huh? Lets now talk about sins here. What were the seven deadly sins again? Ah yes, Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, Sloth. Gee, NONE of these words describe Bush AT ALL. Nope, not one. I wish there was some way I could be more sarcastic in print but I just don't see how it is possible. Bush embodies everything that is the exact opposite of what the pope was. The pope was a compassionate, caring, knowledgeable, religious, and humane person. George Bush? Compassionate...hmmm...unless compassion can be displayed through killing thousands of innocent civilians and your own countrymen? Uh no. Can it be shown by not listening to people with different beliefs or views than you? Nope. Can it be shown by exploiting others? Sorry, no. Lets next discuss George Bush's religion. Some idiots say that Bush is the most religious president in history. Those people are morons. Lets examine the term religious. This is an adjective (which modifies a noun. Also known as a descriptive word) that describes the level of a person's faith and belief in their religion. Lets now examine Bush's faith and belief and the way he follows his religion's teachings. Does Bush show tolerance? Does he follow the teachings of Jesus? Does he do anything remotely like what Christianity is supposed to be? NO, NO, AND NO. This pisses me off so much. George Bush is not religious he EXPLOITS religion. He says the buzz words "god", "faith", "lord", "prayer", and "religion" more than any person on earth. Why? Because when you say something enough, and people hear you say those words enough, people will then start to believe that you embody those words, that you in fact believe what you are saying. Bush has mastered this process better than anyone else. And he has successfully suckered every bible belt moron into following him. Just like the Walrus and the Carpenter that duped a bunch of oysters into following them and then shucked and devoured them. Get ready everyone, because we are already getting shucked. Anyways, I guess I just want to say that honor and mourn the Pope. Don't give any attention to Bush because that is what he wants. Fuck him. Fuck him up his stupid ass.

one guy is nothing like the other

The Veggie Monster???
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: PTI
So I recently did a post about Sean May and how he is much like the Cookie Monster...My beloved Cookie Monster. With all of his blue fur and constant cookie cravings. The way he gobbles cookies whole and leaves a ginormic mess afterwards. Anyways, enough of me babbling on about my fond memories of the cookie monster. I was reading the news today (yes, some people still read news articles) when I found the biggest scandal of ALL-TIME. Yes bigger than anything some left-wing hippie gorp-eater could find about bush, and believe me, it wouldn't be hard. Bigger than anything some right-wing asshole could blow out of proportion and then gripe about for eternity about Bill Clinton, and believe me, it wouldn't be too hard. I mean look at what these republican assholes are still doing...bitching about Clinton. Blaming Bush's failures on Clinton's fuckups. FUCK that shit. Grow some nuts, then let them drop, then use your brain and get some fucking responsibility. Jesus. Ok, so now that I have that shit out of the way, BACK to my beloved Cookie Monster. SO I read this article, and you should read it too. It is sad really. SO sad. I say we should do something about this. It is time to write the creators of Sesame Street and do something to rectify this atrocity. Bastards. Oh yeah, here is the link.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? "Me eat less cookies" Say it ain't so Cookie Monster, say it ain't so.

I'm back bitches
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Espn
So I just watched the national championship game and I have to say that I am impressed. UNC beat Illinois 75-70. I would like to discuss the MVP of the tournament, Sean May. The guy came to UNC three years ago and was a flabby, out of shape, junk-food eating machine. Well, he still is pretty flabby, and word is that he eats so many cookies that he is called the cookie monster. I have decided to compare the two. First, let me show you proof that Sean May, much like the cookie monster, has an unhealthy obsession with cookies.

Sean May's obsession with cookies has even caused him to eat cookies DURING his games.

Of course, all of this talk of Sean May being the Cookie Monster has left the REAL cookie monster pissed.

We will see what is going to happen in this rivalry.

The Ultimate Conspiracy Theory
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Jurrassic 5 - Concrete Schoolyard
So the super bowl is coming up this sunday. The Patriots play the Philadelphia Eagles, a team from a pretty patriotic city, and I know the Patriots are gonna win. And I feel like shedding some light on a conspiracy that effects us all. Let me set the scene. Three years ago a seemingly unkown 6th round draft pick replaces an all-pro QB and leads his team to a Super Bowl victory. Last year, this same QB leads the same team to ANOTHER Super Bowl victory. How does this guy, who is not the most physically talented QB in the league, and his team, that lacks any superstars, keep winning? Because the government rigs the football games they play in to insure that the New England Patriots win. Don't believe me? Lets examine the evidence.
In 2001, America gets attacked. Mass patriotism and blind faith in the country and our idiot president ensues. Following the attack, the Patriots, A VERY mediocre team, starts winning...A LOT. They get to the Super Bowl. They WIN! HOORAY! HAZAA FOR AMERICA!
That same year that the Patriots win the Super Bowl, a really shitty, unholy, unconstitutional, unpatriotic bill was passed and signed into law. The name of that bill? The Patriot Act. Coincidence? I think not.
Flash forward to 2003. The All Pirate Super Bowl. Bucs vs. Raiders. I find this ironic because it was around this time that we were raiding and stealing a country from its own people. Coincidence? Again, no fucking way.
Now this brings us to last year, 2004. The Patriots vs. The Panthers. I am going to make a comparison here, so try to follow me. Now if these teams were to represent countries, the Patriots would obviously be America. The Panthers would be the entire muslim population according to the Bush administration; dark and mysterious, evil and most of all, they are panthers. Guess who wins? Thats right! America! er I mean the Patriots!
SO now the conspiracy becomes obvious. And this goes all the way to the top. It is even written in the Patriot Act. Look it up. Lines 57-60 section 7-G "And to increase Patriotism and gain votes from morons for all members of the Bush family, the Patriots games will be rigged in their favor. And Dubya has to stay 50 feet away from pretzels at all times."
Here is a chart that illustrates the power structure involved with this conspiracy.

Ever notice how the Cleveland Communists never do well in the league? Further proof that the conspiracy exists!

More proof that there is a conspiracy. When Tom Brady was in college, he didn't have a butt chin, but now that he is in the spotlight he does. Odd? Yes. The reason? Brady tried to shed light on the conspiracy and he ended up losing a chunk of his chin for it. These people are BRUTAL!

Please people, fight the power. Root for the Eagles...Wait a minute...Eagles...national bird...DAMNIT THEY GOT TO THEM TOO! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! SAY IT AIN'T SO T.O. SAY IT AIN'T SO!

Miracle on High Street
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: family guy
Some of you may not know what dodgeball is. For those of you who don't know, let me explain the game. The premise of the game is to pick on the weakest member of the opposite team, scarring them for life. But seriously, prison dodgeball, the kind we play at western's intermural league, eight players face off on a basketball court. 5 rubber balls are used to throw at opposing players knocking them out of the game. You can catch a thrown ball to get an opposing player out, and then throw that ball to a teammate who has been knocked out to get them back into the game. You can also throw the ball into the opposing teams basket to get a jailbreak, freeing all of your captured teammates. This is where my story begins. So tonight I played Dodgeball for two different teams. The Average Shmoes and Quick Hits. During the fourth and final game for quick hits, something amazing happened. The other team was beating us down. Suddenly, I was the only player left and the other team had six guys. I stalled them, catching a few balls to get some of my guys in but they kept getting out. Time was running down. Under 20 seconds left. I heave a ball towards the basket from the baseline, it rims off. 10 seconds left, I dodge a ball thrown at me and toss a prayer from the far corner of the court. SWISH! JAILBREAK! WE WIN! GAME OVER! FUCKING AMAZING! BRILLIANT! The greatest thing about that was the look on the other team's faces. Combine shock with dumbfoundedness and anger and you get their looks. High fives all around for Quick Hits. It was good times. Good times.

Here is a diagram of the shot...

After hitting that shot, I felt cool. Cooler than this guy. But minus the ability to give yagoogalies.

I can only attribute the luck involved in that shot to two things: Wearing Larry Johnson's Charlotte Hornets jersey, and possibly having the fleeting grace of a higher power.

Of course, this now means that I will suck at dodgeball because of my blatant blasphemy. Oh well. It was good times. Rumor has it a video of the shot exists...