Is hell freezing over? Did I just see pigs flying? The Mariners are Spending Money? On Good Players!
Mood:  surprised
Now Playing: Muse - Hysteria
Yeah, that title is no typo friends. Believe it or not, the Mariners, yes THE Seattle Mariners are going after big name free agents. I know, I almost had a stroke when I heard the news. We signed 1B/LF Richie Sexson to a 4 year $50 million deal wednesday and signed stud 3B Adrian Beltre to a 5 year $64 million deal yesterday. After years of bitching I am at a loss for words. After losing so many great players: Junior Griffey, Johnson, Pay-Rod, Jose Cruz, etc. It got to the point where we had a bunch of guys that were playing out of their minds for a couple years and then reverted to their true forms, exposing the poor management and decision making by the front office. Appearantly Howard Lincoln and Bill Bavasi heard enough of my (and other mariner fans') bitching and moaning and decided to loosen up their sphincters and shell out some dough for good players. Maybe Nintendo (who has a controlling interest in the mariners, yes mario owns us) wanted to field a winner.

Maybe Ichiro went all last samurai on their asses, who knows. What I DO know is that we just got two really good offensive players. And Beltre is not that bad in the field either (he only had 10 errors last season). Now, as a public service, I will introduce you to our newest Mariners.
Richie Sexson:

At 6'8" 237 lbs, Sexson definitely earns the nickname Big Sexy. The Guy played with new Mariner manager Mike Hargrove in Cleveland back in the day and has been a very productive player during his career. Last year he only played in 23 games with the Arizona Diamondbacks due to a separated shoulder. But if you look at his season averages for his career the numbers are VERY impressive.
a .271 batting average, 39 homeruns, 119 rbi's and a very good .877 ops (OPS=On base percentage+slugging percentage). Sexson was born in Portland and grew up in Washington so he should adjust well to living and playing here. He has lots of power so hitting in the cavernous Safeco field should not be a problem for him. And as I said before, he has played for Hargrove, so he should have an even greater comfort level in Seattle. He is only 29, which is right about when most power hitters start hitting their prime. This only means good things for us because we have him for the next 4 years. HAZAA!

Adrian Beltre:

At 25, Beltre has already been in the major leagues for 7 seasons. Beltre was the gem of the Dodgers farm system coming up in the mid 90's and has progressed steadily since joining the team in 1998. Last year he had a breakout season hitting .334 with 48 homeruns and 121 RBI's. The guy carried the Dodgers down the stretch and finished second in the MVP vote to Barry Bonds. Some detractors say that last season was a fluke for Beltre and that he was only doing well because he was in the last year of his contract. To those nay-sayers I have three words: Suck...My...Balls. The guy was 24, and had shown glimpses of his greatness during his previous seasons. So he put it all together. Don't tell me he all of a sudden got really good cause he wanted money. He made over $5 million last year anyways. His career averages are not too far from last season's production: .274 average, 25 homers, and 89 rbi's. Also, remember that he was usually not the 3 or 4 hitter until last year, which will take away from his stats. I think Beltre has the power needed to hit well in Safeco. Dodger Stadium is a notorius pitcher's park and he still put up big numbers there. He is also a HUGE improvement over the combined effort at third base last year where the mariners leader Scott "Mr. Versatility" Spiezio played 65 games and batted a WHOPPING .215. I hope I didn't set off my sarcasm alarm with that last comment. I feel that Beltre may not come close to his numbers from last year, but if he can hit say .290, with 30-35 homers and 90-105 rbi's, I will be happy.

So there you have it folks, the new editions to the Mariner family. Kudos to Howard Lincoln and Bill Bavasi. Odd, I never EVER thought I would say that, but oh well. Here is to hoping that the Mariners DON'T lose 99 games next year. And that they can get atleast 1 decent starting pitcher this offseason. Sorry, John Halama is taken...what where the Red Sox thinking when they signed him?

Get up on the downstroke
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: The Presidents - Supersonics
Well, continuing in my long, long line of sports related posts...Matt and I went to a Sonics game last night. Yes, Matt is back from jolly old England and back on the CORRECT side of the Atlantic. No more cucumber sandwiches, royal families, or chunnels for Matt. Back to shitty weather, pale skin and dumb people. Well, ok, so maybe England isn't so different from the U.S. Except for the accents. I STILL think that we speak the language as it was meant to be. I mean, how is it that when anyone sings in english it sound like american pronunciation? Just saying... SO anyways, back to the game. Matt and I had sweet seats (thanks to George, who is in Mexico right now...lucky bastard). And I don't think we left them the entire game. I really wanted a big foam finger but we got there like a minute late (I FUCKING HATE SEATTLE TRAFFIC ARGH!!!) so I didn't want to miss any of the game by buying a big finger. So I guess that quest will have to wait another day. BACK to the game. It was a thorough ass-kicking by the Sonics. The Lakers really played like shit. Kobe "I'm a whiny, selfish, crybaby bitch" Bryant had a great game for the Lakers. But that is easy to do when you never pass and you take rediculous shots that nobody else would take. I hate that guy. His most recent fit of jealously (after the shaq fiasco last year) is with the Mailman, Karl Malone. Now, I despise Karl Malone as much as the next guy, but this is one instance where I will back him up. WHO CARES that Karl hit on Kobe's wife. Have you seen her? She is unconsciously hot. And it isn't like Kobe is getting any after the whole rape trial. What a dumbass. You have a hot wife, millions of dollars in endorsement deals, and respect from fans and you go ahead and piss it away on some skanky white chick from Colorado? What the fuck man? If you are going to cheat on your wife, do it like Beckham and sleep with some of the hottest women in the world. Or not cheat at all and sleep with your very, VERY hot wife and have lots of babies. Some people. Again, back to the game. Some stupid people behind us were rooting for the Lakers. And in particular Kobe Bryant. And by stupid people I mean girls. Girls that were close to my age. This just confirms my theories on women. Why would you root for a selfish, whiny asshole that rapes women and cheats on his wife and has the middle name Bean (Im serious, check it if you dont believe me)? BECAUSE YOU ARE A DUMB WOMAN thats why! Only a dumb woman would cheer for a rapist when he scores, even though the team is down by 18...eighteen, Im going to go home soon because we are up by...EIGHTEEN. Sorry, that was a little diddy that some guy did in response to that group of dumb girls that were cheering for the lakers. It was funny at the time. AND NOW BACK TO THE GAME. So we won 108-93. A big win for the Sonics who continue to tear it up this year. A HUGE game from Rashard Lewis. The guy was on fire last night. 17 points in the first quarter and then that flurry of scores to end the game. He singlehandedly brought the house down. And I think he rekindled my love for basketball. Until recently, my inner basketball fan had been deceased. Partly from the Shawn Kemp trade, partly because the quality of play in the NBA has sucked recently, and partly because I grew to like baseball and football more. Now I consider myself a fan of 5 doomed sports franchises: The Detroit Tigers, The Detroit Lions, The Seattle Seahawks, The Seattle Mariners, and the Seattle Supersonics. Although I think the Lions are the most doomed of all the franchises. No matter who is there, they seem to lose and lose big. Atleast the Tigers have won a championship in my lifetime, albeit the year I was born, and the Mariners have been competitive while I have been a baseball fan. But no, nothing for the Lions. Barry Sanders retires and all hopes and dreams go with him. 1 playoff win in 50 years. ONE. Unless you are a fan of the Cardinals, you have no argument with me about doomed franchises. NONE. Fucking Lions. ON TO THE PICTURES!

After several solid seasons, is this the big breakout year for Rashard Lewis?

Ok, this picture PROVES Kobe is a whiny bitch. Notice the trail of tears on his face. Again, look at his wife. So hot. Please tell me why you would want to cheat on your wife? Please?

OK, so I knew Beckham was a football genius, but by wearing this shirt he proves to be an intellectual genius! Thats right people, even the greatest footballer in the world loves the University of Michigan.

Fear him, hate him, despise him, or loathe him...George Bush is a terrible president
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: The Music - Breakin'
Well, I have spent nearly the entire day scouring the internets for random stuff. I found a couple of troubling things. Well, actualy, a LOT of troubling things. One was THIS video clip of the first presidential debate. Yes that debate was like two months ago but it still shows how much of a terrible speaker/huge moron/eater of babies/fascist asshole Bush truly is. GOD I hate that guy. And yet he won again. Unbeleivable. Ok, ok, I won't do that rant all over again right now. Maybe later. I also found a very sad picture of Bush made of the faces of every soldier that has died in Iraq.

Oh yeah, I remember that, and all those seals died and Dan Rather reported it...or maybe it was Connie Chung I can't remember...
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: The Music - Welcome to the North
In case you are wondering what the hell the title of this post is, it is a brief sampling of the family guy episode when Peter discovers he has a black ancestor and then goes to a show at the Apollo. So today I got harrassed by the man. And it wasn't so bad. I got a restraining order...HAZAA! And no it wasn't for anything like stalking or making creepy phone calls and when the person answers instead of talking you just breath heavily. No my friends, I got a restraining order for...pissing off my high school baseball coach. Yep, that is correct. Did I do anything? Nothing he can prove and I have not seen or done anything to him in over a year and a half. And by "doing" I mean egging his house. What is totally fucked up about this whole ordeal is that he lied to get the restraining order. None of the things he lists as evidence are actually true. Which means I get to fuck with him in court. I am seriously considering filing either A) a defamation/slander/harrassment lawsuit B) going to court to argue the "facts" in the restraining order and bitch slapping the piss out of the idiot judge that issued it C) Sueing the asshole for emotional and physical damages due to stress caused by the lies he has been spreading or D) all of the above. My choice is D. Simply because I am sick and tired of this guy being an asshole to everyone and nobody doing anything about it. Guess what Dave? I have 2 and a half weeks of free time, a good amount of money and I'm super pissed off. Congratulations you pair of fucking clown shoes, I am going to do to you what you have done to everyone else. Can you smell that? Yes, mmm...sweet, sweet revenge. Since I was distracted all day, here is a brilliant comic from Asher Sarlin, creator of Elephantitis of the Mind. ENJOY!

Honestly, who could be expected to make the right decision

THE 50th POST
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
So friends, it has come to this, I have finally reached the 50th post on my blog. I think that is fairly impressive considering that I most of my posts are rather long and have pictures that require hours of painstaking manipulation in MS Paint. Well, as a special treat for my legions...er I mean legion of fans, I have decided to reveal how my blogging genius came to be. In order to do this I have to give a detailed personal history. Fear not, this won't be one of those lame-ass auto-biographies that you get from politicians, celebrities or athletes. No, I will give a fun, dare I say adventurous glimpse into my life story. So sit back, get comfortable and prepare yourself for: Wait, What Just Happened? The Chris Hahn Story

Long ago, in a land full of people wearing Carhartt jackets and snow shoes, a dashing yound lad was born to an artist and a crane operator. Upon his birth, citizens flocked to awe and marvel at his awesomeness. Truly he was an amazing baby, and I was not that baby. I was born in Petosky, Michigan. Although I would rather claim to be from Charlevoix for the record.

The events surrounding my birth are quite unheralded, but still awesome. My mom had to fight a shark to the death just to get a parking space in the hospital parking lot. My dad was forced to eat 60 hotdogs in an hour so the doctor would deliver me. Granted these heppenings aren't worthy of legend, but they are impressive nonetheless. Michigan is where I get my super powers. I guess my fortress of solitude would have to be happy valley, where everyone is happy all the time...or else. In that farm country I draw from both my dutch and german genes. Combining skills in irrigation, wind mills, and wooden clogs with alcohol consumption and the ability to wear lederhosen to become the oozing mass of awesomeness that I am. I'm not so sure I like to describe myself as an oozing mass of anything but oh well, it is written and I can't change it now cause that would just make me some sort of revisionist history guy. And that would be lame.

Now that my creation is out of the way, I will discuss my long and completely non-boring journey to Whidbey Island and eventually Bellingham. SO after my birth, my parents realized that my power was too great to keep in Michigan so I moved with my mom to Florida. Yes somehow being amongst SO many old people made me stronger. Unfortunately, I have never been able to get the old person smell out of my skin, which probably effects my chances with the ladies....FOR THE BETTER! I mean WHO doesn't like the scent of a 60 year old man? Adam Sandler reference anyone?

Moving along. So whilst in Florida, I fought several wild beasts (alligator, squirrel, shark, titmouse, three toed sloth, republicans) and garnered numerous scars. Mostly on my head. Which accounts for the 180+ stitches I have up there. Here is to hoping I never go bald...and that my gene pool is strong enough to keep hair on my head. Realizing that my potential would never be reached in Floridia, I moved to Washington. State, not D.C. I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME THAT. How about this, people from D.C. can say that they are from The District of Columbia and people from Washington can say they are from FUCKING WASHINGTON. GOD I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME THAT. It wasn't so bad the first 10,000 times but Jesus Tapdancing Christ it sure is fucking annoying now.

So anyways. In Washington I get bombarded with liberalism AND rational thought. Lord only knows how I would have turned out if I had stayed in Florida. Probably prefer prune smoothies, golf pants, matlock, republicans and matlock instead of schnapps, jeans, the simpsons, any kind of non brainwashing political conglomorate and of course the family guy. Fast forward a few years and I'm right in the middle of my experience on Whidbey Island. The English language has no words that could adiquately describe my feelings of this Island. Some good and some utterly, utterly bad. Eventually, I made the Island my bitch and moved to Bellingham to conquer the rest of my life.

My travels across the country have tought me many things: People are stupid. People are assholes. People come. People go. Smart people are few and far between. Friendship comes and goes and sometimes dies. Their is no such thing as fair and balanced. Life is just one big empty moment that needs to be filled with something, ANYTHING.

Because I love Jesus as much as the next guy...
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: David Bowie & Queen - Under Pressure
So I realize that it is 4 am right now and I have totally fucked up my sleeping pattern. So what if I stayed up for over 24 hours yesterday. For no reason. None. Oh well. So now that I am back to being a racoon, I have time to perouse the internets during the wee hours of the night...AND rummage through garbage. I stumbled upon THIS website about an hour ago. If you are the uber serious, tight ass, bible thumping, conservative that can't take a joke or laugh at anything serious than I hope you die...and you shouldn't visit this site. It is basically a bunch of cartoons about Jesus. Here is one of my favorites. Notice how I don't hog my cartoon finds like some squirrel preparing for winter by hoarding nuts...kindof like caleb? Please excuse my poor humor. Appearantly when I become nocturnal I lack the ability to be funny. In other news, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2 comes out tomorrow. And I will soon spend all of my waking hours playing that game just like I did with the first one.

Not that he needs it, but here is some shameless promotion for J
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Fastball - Out of My Head
Well, for those of you who think I hold a grudge against our friends across the pond...I do. But as always, I have exceptions. Brady's buddy J being one of them. He has a rather sweet blog that I feel is worth checking out. I give it a couple of thumbs up. click here for J's blog

Feeling Random, So here is a brief re-enactment of a Family Guy scene
Mood:  mischievious
Now Playing: Oasis - Hello
"Peter this is just like the time you bought that cloud insurance."
"Just look at those clouds...plotting away."
(cut away to two clouds)

THE HOTTEST WOMEN ACCORDING TO ME
Mood:  suave
Now Playing: Radiohead - Kid A
So now that I am back from a hockey game (Western kicked the crap out of UW 5-1) I feel the need to talk about hot women. Don't ask me how those two relate because I can't really explain it or even rationalize my thought process. Anyways. The following list that I am about to present to you is not in any order but I WILL reveal who I think is the hottest woman on earth at the end. While making this list, I searched for NON-skanky/slutty pictures because I want to make a point. The point being that my definition of what makes a girl hot are certain characteristics ASIDE from sluttyness. Things I DON'T like and automatically disqualifies a women from this list are: sluttyness, bimbo-like qualities, fakeness, too much makeup, and being Jessica Simpson, JLo, Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, or having the last name Hilton. So what makes a girl hot? A good smile, a unique look, and making me happy in my special place. ON TO THE LIST!

Eliza Dushku
Some of you may be asking yourselves, where is she from? Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Tru Callings? NO...actually, yes, but I was thinking more along the lines of Bring it On.

Eva Mendes
I have to say she is possibly the hottest woman on earth. Almost a dead ringer for Cindy Crawford (who just missed the list) and she even has the mole. I am partial to facial moles since I have one. I think they are hot. And Eva is definitely hot.

Kristin Davis
Charlotte from Sex in The City makes the list simple because she is cute as hell and somehow extremely sexy at the same time. Imagine the cuteness of a kitten mixed with the raw, oozing sex appeal of say...fabio.

Shakira
Okay, okay so this is still a carry-over from my senior year in high school. She is still wicked hot. She writes her own songs, and sings in both spanish AND english. And they way she moves her hips makes my pants really tight.

Elisha Cuthbert
I think Matt will agree with me when I say that she is the hottest person on 24 (although keifer is a close second...maybe president palmer). Even with a bad hair cut she is still amazingly hot. Dare I say...en fuego?

Tyra Banks
Alright so this is from middle school. I remember when I saw her on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swim suit issue and feeling strange and wonderous new things. Not only is she hot but she is a pretty good producer and really funny. And she dated Mark Messier. That is awesome.

Sandra Bullock
Some of you might be saying, Sandra Bullock...um wasn't she in that movie with Keanu Reeves? Yes, yes she was. And she has been hot in every film since. She spent some time on Whidbey while filming Practical Magic. For that I apologize to her. No person should EVER experience the agony that is Whidbey Island, especially Coupeville.

Keira Knightley
Um yeah. She is the type that is SO hot that I can't really think of words to describe her so I just revert back to a sort of caveman state where I point and use a series of grunts. Kudos to England for producing this extremely beautiful woman.

Jennifer Garner
By FAR the greatest thing to EVER come out of West Virginia. I think she is actually the first, second, and third best thing to come from West Virginia. She is probably the closest thing to the dictionary definition of hot that you can find.

Natalie Portman
Okay, so aside from being a really good actress, she is wicked smart(went to harvard, speaks four languages), well travelled (born in Jerusalem), and wicked hot. And she is in 3 star wars movies. So she will be hot for an innumerable amount of nerds for decades to come.

And the winner is: Natalie Portman. For the longest time it was Jennifer Garner but I have had a recent change of heart. Partly because Garden State was a great movie and Portman was really charming in it and because Jennifer Garner is dating Ben Affleck. I mean seriously, that is the WORST judgement and further proves my theories about women. I hope they have a bunch of talentless babies that have huge heads and star in crappy jerry bruckheimer movies. GOSH!

Why Ricky Williams is THE man
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Radiohead - True Love Waits
Ok, so another sports post...STFU already! This time I salute Ricky Williams, one of the most gifted potheads of all-time. If you don't know about Ricky, allow me to fill you in. In college, he set the all-time rushing record, won the Heisman(award for best college football player), AND played minor league baseball in the Phillies system. In the NFL, he rushed for over 6,500 yards in just 5 seasons. The guy dominated. BUT he was and is different. He tested positive for pot twice and faced a four game suspension if he were to play this season. Instead, Ricky gives a big middle finger to the NFL AND the Miami Dolphins (who I hate) and flies to Asia and then back to California where he is now studying alternative medicine at a community college in (this is NOT a joke) grass county, California. Ok, so The Dolphins sued Ricky because he retired and they didn't want to pay him the 8.6 MILLION dollars that they still owed him. Well, long story short, Ricky lost his case and has to pay back the money...or atleast I'm pretty sure he will lose his case because the NFL sucks ass when it comes to honoring contracts with players. What really chaps my ass is the fact that pot is a banned substance. Um, last time I checked (two weeks ago) Pot does NOT enhance your ability to do anything but eat count chocula cereal and pop tarts. So what if Ricky rocks the gonja every once in awhile. OR every day. So fucking what. And boo-hoo to all these high-and-mighty NFL talk show analists that say Ricky is a quitter. You know what? Maybe he wanted to do something else. Maybe he didn't want to play football anymore. Maybe he wanted to go to asia and smoke lots of weed and study crazy indian healing methods instead of getting the shit knocked out of him by 300 pound lineman every week. He already has more money than he could ever need. So why keep playing? Kudos Ricky. I support you. Continuing with my rant about banned substances, does anyone think it to be odd that cough medicine, vitamins, and pot are considered performance enhancing drugs? Funny huh? Some sports officials have WAY too much fucking free time.