Monstervision Host Segments for
Wes Craven's Deadly Friend
Some people are just better off dead
[host segments continued from The Lost Boys]
Hey, I'm Joe Bob Briggs for the big game (Superbowl 1997), and I've got the biggest, weirdest tailgate party in town. I got sixteen hours of back-to-back monster movies. We got killer robots, teenage vampires, good witches / bad witches, even the devil himself will make an appearance [clip: Look at me, Damien]. So get that Laz-E Boy into position. I do not want to have to tell you a second time.
"Deadly Friend" Intro
"Okay, we've got a Wes Craven flick tonight! Deadly Friend. Every bit as disgusting as Nightmare on Elm Street, but not quite as scary. It's basically a "Breakfast Club" version of Bride of Frankenstein, if you can figure that out, with this kid who comes to town haulin an artificial-brain robot named Bee-Bee. Then when the girl next door gets bashed down the stairs by her slimehead father, the kid sticks the robot brain in the girl, steals her body, and tries to get his new girlfriend-monster to stop killin all the neighbors and grabbin biker gangs between the legs. That's basically your plot, and I'm not givin much away, cause you learn all that right at the beginning of the movie, so let's look at those drive-in totals:
Six dead bodies.
Seven gallons blood, some spurting, with three bloody noses.
Head disguised as a basketball.
Three stars. Check it out--this is pretty decent for a robot flick--Wes does it again. And then we've got one more flick tonight: "Midnight Offerings", yet another gruesome high school story. OK, roll it.
[fading] Kristy Swanson as the babe girlfriend. We can all thank God for Kristy. I would like to thank Kristy myself, in the Biblical sense."
"Deadly Friend" Commercial Break #1
"You know what I hate? It's when they have a robot and they try to make it CUTE. It's like a nerd joke. Makes you feel like you're at a Star Trek convention talkin to a girl with braces on her teeth, saying "Hey! Cool space helmet!" You know?
OK, I said I was gonna stick it out thru the whole dang day, the whole 16-hour MonsterVision Superbowl Marathon, but I have to admit, I'm starting to fade here. These goonie masks [in the Mardi Gras parade float warehouse] all around me, they're creeping me out. I haven't slept in three days.
"I've had 2 beers, officer."
And you know, it's all starting to blur together, here. I was gonna go down to the Riverboat Casino during the last break, but they said I didn't have time to go there. So I just called em up, and they let me play craps over the phone. I lost, snake eyes. Anyhow, what I'm saying is, let's just go back to the movie. This seemed like a good idea last month, when we thought it up, but ... I'll be fine! Leave me alone. I love you all. No, I mean I really love you all, in a physical way, that's the way I'm feeling right now.
"Deadly Friend" Commercial Break #2
"Robot girlfriend on the loose. I've heard of a controlling relationship, but this is ridiculous. This is a little bit too cartoony to be a horror flick, don't you think? They shoulda done more with the sadistic father subplot. You remember, in the eighties, almost every movie had a sadistic father like that? Fathers were MEAN. Incest, abuse, just all round nastiness. Every father in a horror movie was some version of Bruce Dern. Anyhoo, that's my sociological observation for the night, and now here we go--time for a little elective brain surgery on Miss Kristy Swanson. Too bad we can't show you the closeups.
I forgot what I was gonna talk about. I'm kinda rambling from subject to subject, here ... Sorry, I've been doing this Superbowl Weekend thing for 72 hours now. But it's OK, cause I just mixed up some Jack Daniels and NyQuil, and it's gonna kick in, any minute now. And then ... I forgot what I was gonna say. Go ahead and roll it.
[fading] Kristy Swanson, robotic girlfriend from Hell. Just don't give her a credit card. Well, you know, it doesn't say anything on my contract, that my comments on the movie have to make sense. Do I have a contract?
"Deadly Friend" Commercial Break #3
"Well, you know, those wacky high school kids. So they're a little rambunctious. They go to the high school, kidnap the brain-dead girlfriend and hook her up to a robot--can you blame em? It keeps em off the streets, right?"
"Deadly Friend" Commercial Break #4
"Why do I think that the robotic Kristy Swanson is NOT going out for a Slurpee? Robot girls can go psycho on you in a flash, can't they? This movie is actually a little bit lamer than I remember it. Or it might just be the place, here. I'm starting to go psychadelic, with all this stuff around me. But the movie came out in '86, and I thought it was pretty decent at the time. Bit it's basically just the same premise over and over again, just doesn't go anywhere. I'don't know why ... I shouldn't be saying this after you've already watched about 90% of it, should I? But I'm cranky today. And one thing I'm cranky about, by the way, is that we didn't get the full of effect of that splattered head. Remember when Kristy Swanson knocks the old bat's head off with that basketball, and she goes twitchin around the room like a constipated chicken? Well there's only so much splattered head you can show on TNT, because otherwise members of Congress call up, they say we're causin copycat crimes in Florida or something. Like there's all these robotic serial killers out there choppin people's heads off with basketballs. If it's in a movie, SOMEBODY will try it. That's the theory. So that's why we couldn't show you that excellent exploding head. I am ashamed and abashed, and I apologize. What's abashed? OK, check out this ending. And after this, remember, the Superbowl MonsterVision Marathon That Never Ends, has one more movie: the great "Midnight Offerings." Dueling high school witches. I consider that a little stranger than this picture. We shoulda shown that one first. OK, go! Roll.
[fading] Did that sound sincere to you? I didn't ask if it WAS sincere, I asked if it sounded sincere. It's a Bill Clinton thing. Do you notice that, no matter how DEAD Kristy Swanson is ... I just wanna make one more point ... her makeup is still perfect? I mean, sure, they put a little black stuff around her eyes, but basically she's Miss Maybelling in these scenes. Shouldn't she get all gooey and zombie-lookin, just for realism? That's my opinion. Go."
"Deadly Friend" Outro
"Hey, Joe Bob Briggs, King of Mardi Gras. So long as Mardi Gras is still in the warehouse. "I'll have the belly-dancer now, please." Okey, so much for the ole robot girlfriend idea. She's NOT gonna do as you say, even if she IS a robot. One of these days, she's gonna want a Camaro, and there's nothin you an do about it. "Deadly Friend," one of the less successful flicks by the great horror director Wes Craven. He did A Nightmare On Elm Street, "The Hills Have Eyes", "Last House On The Left", The Serpent & The Rainbow, "Shocker", has one in the theaters right now: Scream. Wes is a genius, but he kinda slipped on this one. We have the weakest Wes Craven flick he's ever made, on TNT.
Okay, I wanna remind you that next week we have back-to-back Adrienne Barbeau in The Fog and Swamp Thing, so don't miss that.
And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that when dreams turn to dust... vacuum.
Did you guys hear the one where Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip? They'd gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes says, "Watson, look up. What do you see?" And Watson says, "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asks him. And Watson says, "Well, I suppose it means that of all the planets and suns and moons in the universe, that we are truly the one most blessed with the reason to deduce theorems to make our way in this world of criminal enterprises and blind greed. It means that we are truly small in the eyes of God but struggle each day to be worthy of the senses and spirit we have been blessed with. And, I suppose, at the very least, in the meteorological sense, it means that it is most likely that we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" And Sherlock Holmes says, "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
"Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die."
"Well, we've got one movie left in the TNT Superbowl Sunday MonsterVision Marathon, and before we show that movie - I want to thank all the people of New Orleans who've made this possible. Friendliest people in the world. Weird people. Strange people around here. But friendly people.
"OK, let's get this thing going, cause this blond I met over in the Quarter last night wants to go over to Gulf Shores, Mississippi, after I'm done here. But ... what goes on over at Gulf Shores. What's the big deal about Gulf Shores, Mississippi? You guys have any idea? [no reply from crew] What's the deal there? Well, I doubt we're going over there for the spagetti supper if you know what I mean and I think you do. And this time I am sure, she IS a female. This place is scary, in that respect.
Tonight's host segments started with The Omen
and continues with
Back to Monstervision
On to host segments for The Fog and Swamp Thing
Kristy even has a line near the end of Hot Shots
Fun facts: Charles Fleischer (voice of robot BB) was also the starring voice of Who Framed Roger Rabbit and had a bit part in the Back To The Future movies
The following year, Kristy Swanson was one of the kids locked in an attic by crazy grandma Louise Fletcher in Flowers In The Attic, and more recently played the girlfriend in 8 Heads In A Duffel Bag, but is best known as the star of the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie
Host segment transcript of Deadly Friend broadcasts
©1997 & 1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved
Host transcript of 1997 broadcast was unavailable, so blame any mis-steaks on Bill Laidlaw
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult