|"HOT SHOTS!" Intro
Joe Bob's Summer School continues with Week Four: Applied Aeronautics. Our flight training films, "Hot Shots!" and "Aces: Iron Eagle III," and by the time they're over, I'll have everyone at home trained and certified to fly billion-dollar military aircraft, with the help of former Air Force pilot Rusty the Campus Mail Girl. Rusty and I are here outside March Air Reserve Base in the California desert, where we just spent the day.
RUSTY: Are you going to tell them why they asked us to leave?
It was an accident.
RUSTY: Uh huh.
Well, we do have our visit on videotape, and we'll be showing parts of it to you as we go along tonight. Believe it or not, Rusty here is a former Air Force captain who served during the Persian Gulf War. She's flown the T-37, the T-38 and the C-21. She transported General Schwarzkopf's bodyguards, and I believe she even drove a spy plane, but despite the glamour, she left the military to pursue a career with the Postal Service.
RUSTY: DROVE a spy plane?
Did I say that? I was only in ROTC for a week. Now, I don't want to offend you, Rusty, but even though you're in your old uniform, I'm sure a few people are gonna think this is some kinda hoax. Did you bring any proof with you that you were in the Air Force? Pictures or something?
[Rusty shows pictures]
How the heck did a gal like you decide to join the military?
RUSTY: Well, my father was a general--
RUSTY: My father was a general in the Army, so I chose another branch of the service.
Do you mean if guys came to pick you up for a date, they had to chat with . . . THE GENERAL?
RUSTY: Oh, he loved to talk to the boys who came to the house.
I'm sure. Okay, I have a little quiz for you as further proof for the skeptics that you were indeed an Air Force pilot. I'm gonna call out a bunch of aircraft nicknames, and you tell me the real names. Ready?
RUSTY: Fire away.
You know what the Doodlebug is?
RUSTY: That was the V-1.
You do know this stuff. What about the Big Stick?
RUSTY: That's the Convair B-36 Peacemaker, named after Roosevelt's quote, "Speak softly, but carry a big stick."
Now you're showing off. The Baltimore Whore.
RUSTY: It figures you'd pick that one. The Martin B-26 Marauder.
The Bloody Paralizer.
RUSTY: The Handley Page 0/400.
The Crowd Killer.
RUSTY: I know that one. Wait a minute.
Too late. Fertile Myrtle.
RUSTY: Grumman AF-2W Guardian. I know the Crowd Killer.
The Vomit Comet.
RUSTY: That's the DC-3. Where did you find this stuff?
On the Internet. The Gutless Cutlass.
RUSTY: Vought F7U Cutlass.
The Weenie Wagon.
RUSTY: The Douglas C-133. Are we done yet?
Yeah, I think you passed. Okay, let's start our first flick, "Hot Shots!" This is one of those Jim Abrahams spoofs -- he's the guy who directed "Airplane!" with the Zucker Brothers. You can always tell a Jim Abrahams movie cause it's got an exclamation point on the end. It stars Charlie Sheen, whose job it is to save the U.S. military from being sold some bum jets, while frying eggs on the stomach of the steamy Eyetalian actress Valeria Golina. Let's do the drive-in totals. We have:
Ten dead bodies.
Five jet collisions.
Two plane crashes.
One barroom brawl.
Three and a half stars. Check it out, and we'll be back to show you what the Air Force is REALLY like during our field trip to March Air Reserve Base.
[fading] Did you ever fly the R2D2?
What about the WD40?
RUSTY: Fairchild C-87 Packet.
You mean there's a plane called the WD40?
RUSTY: The Crowd Killer is the Fairchild C-87 Packet. What was my score?
You're scaring me.
"HOT SHOTS!" Commercial Break #1
[flight suit, inflating vest and leggings]
JBB: Professor Joe Bob and former Air Force Captain Rusty here on our Applied Aeronautics field trip to March Air Reserve Base. I'm being suited up for flight. Can I have Rusty pump up the vest?
RUSTY: I don't why I ever told you I was in the Air Force. Okay, here we go. [vest gets pumped]
JBB: Oh, yes. That's good. Uh, you can stop now. Good grief, does it really need to be that tight? Vacuum-packed, right? So that I'm still crunchy in the morning.
"HOT SHOTS!" Commercial Break #1-A
I'm still waiting for the blood to return to the other parts of my body. How come you didn't have to wear a flight vest, Rusty?
RUSTY: Uh, because we never left the ground?
Thank you for revealin that, darlin. Okay, just in case there's any confusion about the authenticity of this movie, let me just get this out of the way: The United States Air Force did not participate in the making of this film, and is indemnified against any loss, damage or death due to the viewing of this film. In fact, the Air Force does not even recognize it AS a film. Even though this flick is actually about the NAVY, isn't it? All right, back to "Hot Shots!"
[fading] I bet you were pretty popular when you enlisted.
RUSTY: You know, you wouldn't ask a GUY that question.
No dating outside your rank, right? Which really narrows it down. Air Force girls NEED civilian guys, right, because the pool is small?
RUSTY: It's not that small.
"HOT SHOTS!" Commercial Break #2
Lieutenant Professor Joe Bob here at March Air Reserve Base, with former Air Force Captain Rusty to keep me in line. She's a pilot.
"HOT SHOTS!" Commercial Break #2-A
JBB: Okay, I happen to know that the planes they used to make "Hot Shots!" are ex-RAF Red Arrows Folland MK-1s. I believe they're known affectionately as Gnats. Is that right, Rusty?
You didn't know that.
RUSTY: I knew that!
All right, let's see how many movies we can parody at the same time, in "Hot Shots!"
"HOT SHOTS!" Commercial Break #3
[on base] [Joe Bob does some maintenance on F-16]
Professor Joe Bob and Ex-Air Force Captain Rusty here on our field trip to March Air Reserve Base out in California. We're with the F-16 Crew Chief, who's put me to work. Okay, how am I doing here?
[Crew Chief makes Joe Bob work]
JBB: By the way, what's the gas mileage on this baby?
RUSTY: It's called "fuel." You missed a spot, Joe Bob.
JBB: Why does it have to be clean? It's not like the Russian pilot is gonna say, "Ha ha ha! He flies a dirty plane! Look at that wing!"
"HOT SHOTS!" Commercial Break #3-A
JBB: You told that guy something in military code to get out of working, didn't you?
RUSTY: Yeah, that's what I did. Would you like to know the code?
RUSTY: It's confidential.
I love a tease, did I ever tell you that? Okay, let's get back to "Hot Shots!" Not only is it a parody of "Top Gun," but also "Dances With Wolves," "The Fabulous Baker Boys," "9 1/2 Weeks," and probly nine other things I haven't seen. Roll it.
[fading] You know how hot it was today? I could of fried eggs and bacon on your tummy, it was so hot . . . You're good at non-verbal communication. They teach that in Basic, don't they?
"HOT SHOTS!" Commercial Break #4
JBB: Okay, we've got the maintenance done on the F-16 and we're here now with one of the pilots here at March Air Reserve Base. Have you met Rusty, our own pilot?
[Pilot and Rusty shake hands]
JBB: Rusty, did you fly the F-16?
RUSTY: No, I didn't.
JBB: Okay, can we get in the cockpit at the next break? Not real roomy in there, is it?
"HOT SHOTS!" Commercial Break #4-A
JBB: Did you have one of those nicknames when you were flying, Rusty? By the way, that was George Costanza's dead fiancee as Mrs. "Dead Meat" Thompson in the last part of "Hot Shots!" Real name Heidi Swedberg. And let's get back to the flick.
[fading] How do I get one of those nicknames?
RUSTY: I can give you a nickname.
I don't think I'll like that one. Okay, go ahead.
Nose Dive? Nose Dive Briggs. Has a certain ring to it.
"HOT SHOTS!" Commercial Break #5
[about to climb into F-16] JBB: It's our first field trip for "Joe Bob's Summer School," and I'm about to get into an actual F-16 with Rusty the ex-Air Force pilot and a current pilot. Wait a sec, guys. [pulls out a little barf bag] Okay. I sometimes get a little motion sickness.
[cockpit] Is there any reason NOT to put a door here?
JBB: All right, what makes it go? I use the technical term "go."
[Pilot explains the throttle]
JBB: Okay, so my hands control the gas, and my feet control the steering. How long would it take me to learn to fly one of these? Does it help if I know how to operate the John Deere M-10?
JBB: All right. Maybe you better take over. Show us what she'll do. I was sooo disappointed to learn you don't have a passenger seat. Boy, am I disappointed. Darn!
[clip of F-16 taking off or in the air]
"HOT SHOTS!" Commercial Break #5-A
JBB: Okay, let's get back to the wacky conclusion to "Hot Shots!" Some of this movie is pretty dang funny. This was basically Charlie Sheen's first comedy. He had a little part in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," but that was about it till he made this. Roll it.
[fading] You think you can tell us a couple of military secrets, Rusty?
RUSTY: Uh, no.
JBB: How bout just one? Only Americans are watching.
RUSTY: Oh, in THAT case, it's still no.
"HOT SHOTS!" Outro
[Stock footage of F-16 doing maneuvers intercut with Joe Bob watching from tarmac. Joe Bob gets sick just WATCHING the maneuvers. Footage of F-16 landing; cut to pilot getting out]
JBB: [re: barf bag] Can someone take this?
[Rusty holds Joe Bob on his feet]
"HOT SHOTS!" Outro-A
RUSTY: I can't believe you threw up. You are such a wimp.
JBB: Hey, at least I got it in the bag. By the way, did you notice Kristy Swanson finally had a line? "There he is!" Worth the wait, wasn't it?
Hot Shots is available on video and on DVD