The Longlease Bernese Mountain Dogs Humour Page

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The Longlease Bernese Mountain Dogs Humour Page cont.

Before I Was A Dog Mom

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I made and ate hot meals unmolested.
I had unstained, unfurred clothes.
I had quiet conversations on the phone,
even if the doorbell rang.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I slept as late as I wanted
and never worried about how late I got to bed
or if I could get into my bed.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I cleaned my house every day.
I never tripped over toys, stuffies, chewies
or invited the neighbor's dog over to play.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I didn't worry if my plants, cleansers,
plastic bags, toilet paper, soap or deodorant
were poisonous or dangerous.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never been peed on,
pooped on, drooled on,
chewed on or pinched by puppy teeth.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had complete control of my thoughts,
my body and mind.
I slept all night without sharing the covers or pillow.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I never looked into big, soulful eyes and cried.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop a hurt.
I never knew something so furry and four-legged
could affect my heart so deeply.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never held a sleeping puppy
just because I couldn't put it down.
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was well.
I didn't know how warm it feels inside
to feed a hungry puppy.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never known the warmth, the joy,
the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction
of being A Dog Mom.

CostCo Bernese. - At last the pictures!!
with thanks to Coral and David Dennis
<click here for more>

Dog Quotes

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
- Roger Caras
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
- Andrew A. Rooney
"Money will buy a pretty good dog but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
- Josh Billings (Henry Wheeler Shaw)
"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."
- Mark Twain
"In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semihuman. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog."
- Edward Hoagland
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley
"Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends."
- Alexander Pope
"No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a dog makes you rich."
- Louis Sabin
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
- James Thurber
"If you get to thinking you're a person of influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around."
- Unknown
"If your dog doesn't like someone you probably shouldn't either."
- Unknown
"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
"The biggest dog has been a pup."
- Joaquin Miller
"The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs."
- Jeanne-Marie Roland
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies."
- Gene Hill
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
- Mark Twain
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does."
- Christopher Morley
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
- Aldous Huxley
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you."
- Mary Bly
"The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals."
- James Thurber
"Know thyself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
- Ann Landers
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt , and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
- John Steinbeck
"Old dogs, like old shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well."
- Bonnie Wilcox 'Old Dogs, Old Friends'
"A dog wags its tail with its heart."
- Martin Buxbaum
"Woof!"
- Kohle

Happy HOWLoween Bernese!

Thanks to Karen Alexander, Tony and Carole Kaye, Judy Fender

Why we Need Friends!

friends?

Thanks to Judy Fender

FunnyPsalm

" OUT OF GAS"
With thanks to Chris and Herb Baker

A little girl asked her mother,"Mom,may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies,"No, because she is in heat." What's that mean?" asked the child. " Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says," Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you". Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,"Okay, that should take care of that problem,,You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, " She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home".

Three Handsome Male Dogs

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"

"Um.I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says.

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Talking Dog

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, " Because he's such a damn liar."

The Family Dog

The family's dog was bought for a guard,
Chained to a post in a chilly backyard,
Housed in a shed that was airless and dark,
And every few weeks had a run in the park.

When boredom set in with no fun and no work,
One day it broke loose and went quietly berserk.
Pa couldn't fathom just why it went wild,
As it flattened his wife and then bit his child.

The police were called in to sort out the mess,
And the whole sorry tale was revealed by the press,
The Rescue Society was really annoyed,
So, the dog was rehomed--and the owners destroyed.

A Poem for a New Puppy.
Dedicated to Beowolf's Bo D Licious Boy
Welcome to my heart, little stranger By MaryEllen Nichols

Please drag out the smaller crates,
chewy toys, and puppy gates.
These are the days of "oohs" and "ahs"
the glorious days of puppy paws.
Little paws prints on the floor
little nose prints on the door.
Puppy teeth sink in my toes,
"take him out before he goes!"
I will buy you toys brand new,
but you must give me back my shoe!
You are so very cute, but ouch!
No chewing fingers, or the couch!
I watch you dream your puppy dreams.
My fuzzy little man, it seems,
there is no place you cannot go,
when you step out at a show.
Adventures great before us lie.
Memories made by you and I.
It seems there really is no measure,
of doggy love that we can treasure.
In my heart I'll store away,
all the things you do today.
All the wonders as you grow.
Little one,I hope you know,
how glad I am to welcome you,
but, still you cannot have my shoe!
Nothing can ever quite replace,
puppy breath and fuzzy face.
These are the days of "oohs" and "ahs"
the glorious days of puppy paws.

Pulp Safety Warning (aka the famous squirrel story)

The following link has the funniest squirrel story and it all begins with trying to give your pet (in her case a horse) the best diet possible!!

http://shady-acres.com/susan/squirrel.shtml

Puppy Present!

Greetings fellow Berners!
I had a problem to solve today and I want to share the solution with all the pups out there who might run into the same thing.
Mom had to leave me alone in the new house in France all day today for the first time. When we first moved in Katrina was staying with us so I had someone to play with, but she went to her family in Charleston and now I am by myself until my niece Holly comes to live with us in 4 more days!
Anyway, mom knew she would have to be gone all day because she had to go and take care of a lot of details to get ready for Najeeb (my horse, dad thinks Najeeb is his horse but you and I know better). He is going to be coming on the 19th of August and mom has to get everything ready.
So, mom was wondering how she could keep me out of trouble, humph! As if I cause trouble! Well she did the greatest thing! She went to visit the butcher a few days ago and this morning just before she left she gave me a whole veal femur! It was the most beautiful bone you have ever seen! Lots of meat still on it and and BIG cartilage on both ends! What a great chew! I chewed and chewed, and I took a nap, and I chewed some more. Well there was still a lot of chewing left in that bone and I thought; mom was so nice to give this to me, maybe I should give her a chance to enjoy it too! But how do I let her know it is for her? Well whenever dad gives mom a present he always wraps it up in pretty paper (although I suspect he actually pays somebody else to wrap it, I love dad but he is all thumbs.) But that was the problem, how do I wrap it for her? I looked all over the house but I couldn't find any pretty paper, and believe me I tried, some of those drawers were hard to open but I managed. So, I am standing in the middle of mom's bedroom and thinking "now what do I do?" That's when I noticed that mom has a bedspread that looks just like some of the pretty wrapping paper I have seen. Here's the hard part fellow pups, you have to pull the spread off the bed so that the pretty part is face down on the floor. Then you put the bone in the middle and roll it all up with your nose and paws so that it makes a pretty bundle.
When mom got home I played it real cool. I followed her everyplace she went like I was glued to her leg. She kept asking me why all the drawers were open but I never said a word, didn't want to spoil the surprise. Finally she went into her bedroom and saw my present. She unrolled the bedspread and presto! There was my gift! Oh, fellow berner pups it was beautiful! Mom was so surprised! I danced all around the room and laughed and laughed. Mom was so surprised she was speechless for a few seconds, and then she laughed and laughed too!
So, if you want to keep your people happy, give them a present every once in a while just for the fun of it. I have to go now. Mom said she will need some help chewing on that beautiful bone and, of course, I would do anything to help her.
bye-bye,
Gandalf (Falk vom Graenzweg)
Bernese Mountain Dog Puppy,
Chateau BernoisNimes, France

And further from Tim:
"I left out what I consider to be the cleverest part of his trick. When Christl got home the first thing she did was let Gandalf out to pee. He came charging out the door and gave her his usual greeting but he stuck right by her side and wasn't interested in going pee. She thought "uh-oh, there must be a puddle in the house somewhere". She searched through the house, with Gandalf by her side, and found the opened drawers but no puddles. When she finally went into the bedroom and found his "present" he did the happy puppy dance all around the room and laughed and then immediately ran outside and pee'd! I think he just wanted to be there to see the look on her face! All the best, Tim"

And now from Gus:

" Dear Normann, Ravel and Gandalf,
Instead of giving presents to my family, I decided to save my dad from looking like a dork. He has reading glasses that are horribly out of style. Even though mom asks him to get a new pair that are more attractive he never seems to get around to it. So I took matters into my own paws and ate them and their case. Now he has a new pair that look better on him.
With Sloppy Kisses
Augustus "Gus" Rich
Another Bernese Mountain Dog Puppy,
Briarcliff Manor, NY "

With many thanks to Coral Dennis:
Bernese Mountain Dog in Retirement.

Abigail, Pyrannean Mountain Dog, gets stroppy!

From Pyr-A-Scoop Vol. 14, No. 2.

"And while on the subject of Abigail, Pyrannean Mountain Dog, she has been much incensed lately over the gas company's attempts to restrict her dogly activities. Judy and Dianne Skorup have tried to convince Merlin (with little success) that there is an ordinance against barking in Telford. Well, in Topton, the gas company made it official with about 30 signs restricted barking between 6 am and 4.00pm. While the original signs referred to "parking" and some joker changed them, Abigail was NOT amused!"

Subject: A Proper Goldfish Burial

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Berner Bite or Woman Bites Doc
Here's what happened one sunny, June Sunday!
<go to this page>

Oh, Sorry Shouldn't laugh!

This is link that Jude sent me in recently. Having seen what has happened to my lyrics translated into Japanese, here's what happened when this poor guy's personal HomePage re. his Bernese Mountain Dog, got translated into English! :-)

Muck, the Japanese Bernese Mountain Dog

Dog People!

Dog people are a special breed not usually recognized by the CKC/AKC

They usually have crates in their living rooms.

They keep messy houses, but their kennels are spotless.

They can always find a show catalog within an arms reach.

And they have kids who know more about the birds and the bees when they are five than most people know at 40.

Dog people will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel room and $150 on meals to bring home a 25 cent ribbon.

Dog people drive trucks, vans, and motorhomes equipped to haul crates. And they can never be reached on weekends, unless you happen to be at the same show.

They have trouble getting to work on time but can be at ringside by 8:00 a.m.

Dog people will give up a $150,000 home in the suburbs to move to a shack on 10 acres so they can have a $150,000 dog kennel.

Dog people have children who grow up believing "Bitch" is just another household word

Dog people have lush green yards and never buy fertilizer.

Dog people pay the mortgage 10 days late BUT never miss a closing date for entries.

Dog people would rather be audited by the IRS than investigated by the AKC.

Dog people use dog food bags for trash and trash cans for dog food.

Dog people talk on the phone for hours to another dog person in a language known only to dog people.

Dog people have parents and family who think they've lost their minds, neighbors who think they're strange and doggy friends who think they're terrific!!

Author unknown..
(With thanks to Chris Williams-Baker for Forwarding this on to me)

From Deb. 24/04/02 .......I thought I'd share this cute little episode with you good people. We've set up the whelping box and have the nursery ready and waiting for the arrival of Bernese Mountain Dog, Bonnie's puppies (any day now). What is so endearing, is to see Genie (who had puppies last October) decide that the whelping box was for her. She promptly brought in her purple dinosaur, which she nursed along with her real babies last October. I'd throw that thing out of the box, only to discover tbat it would find its way back in...obviously it was her baby too. Once again, the purple dinosaur is in the whelping box...and Genie is stretched out and contented. :-)

BMD has purple baby?

Cori - gramma to Bonnie, has also taken to having a few naps in the whelping box :-)...I guess she remembers it as being her box several times. Only the mom-to-be has not decided to claim the box. Guess she knows she'll be spending a lot of time in there very shortly. Regards, Deb -- Hunka Hunka Berner Love - Kimberlite Reg'd. Debbie Tripp - Saskatchewan Canada - Berners since 1986 Kimberlite Bernese

Hah, since then have discovered Deb's Site for Berner Puppy Fix!

Stand up or lie down the real Mr Purple!

The Real Mr Purple! Bernese Mountain Dog Puppy!