** sung to the gilligan's island theme song **
" so sit right back and i'll tell the tale, the fate of a fateful drip
with Cramer, Lord Robert Too, the pig-Monkey Lord, and his chick,
The horney car, the wellhung axe and mary ann, here in ody's first story! "

'The blisters. the freaking blisters! i'm the greatest fecking healer in
the world, and i cant stop a frigging blister from forming!' fumed Odis. he
had blisters all right. but its not that suprising, considering he was
walking farther than God-knows-how-far. it had been some time now scince the
lush countryside and forests that had surrounded the city hand been turned
to wasteland by the minions of the LOG, but still, did the fecking desert
never end?
Odis stopped and wacked himself on the head. he musn't think like that.
after all, who needs to go crazy in the middle of the wilderness, where rob
wasnt there to stop him and cramer wasnt there to be healed afterward? come
to think of it, tho, He'd never hurt anyone other than cramer when his 'fits'
came on him... "and why was rob always so happy afterward...?" as the wheels
start turning in his head, he once again picked up the trail out of the
desert.
As night fell, he begain to see a little green on the horizion.
unfortunatly, by this time, he was freaked out of his mind and naked. uh,
disregard that last part. as the sun came up, catching all the warmus
creatures off guard and sending them for cover, Odis was quite asleep, and
dressed once more. [he was so neat and tidy when he freaked out, always
leaving his clothes neatly folded,and in an easy to find place] as the rays
of light hit is face, he quickly opened his eyes and practicly burned his
retneas out of his skull. fumbling around for his glasses, he quickly put
them on and felt relief [transition lenses - invented by the gods
themselves] opening his pack, he pulled out some elderberry loaf and some
sparzzle-cream, his favorite. where the cream came out of the sparzzle he
didnt know, but some things are better left to the darkness.

Back on the trail again, Odis begain to see the desert fade. every once
in a while now was a water-tube, a shrub that would only grow where there
was water somewhere. duh. anyway, Odis walked and walked, and we wont
mention the blisters or the things he called them, but he got out of that
God-forsaken desert and found himself in a lush, green forest teeming with
life. it almost shocked him to find it was spring, and off in the backgound,
to his left, one could hear a moaned rendition of 'come sail away'... and we
all know what that ment. Odis, not wanting to inturupt anything or see 2
penguins going at it, headed off to his right, northward. the forest grew
thicker, and eventually it grew dark. if it was because the enchanted forest
grew dark and evil, or some behemoth walked above him, or if it just was
nite time, he didnt know. acctually he did know it was nite time, but he
didnt want to make this a boring read. as he settled down to sleep, he
dreamed of sparzzle-cream and his goal, the temple of the Elders. who knows
what he would find there? He did know that enlightenment happened QUICK
there, and odis was quite sick of sitting in that shack in the middle of the
abandoned part of the city, not moving for days, and being enligtened
slowly. well, the fact that he could never again enter the city because he
had successfully angered both the LOG and the leader of the risistance and
both had competing bounty's on his head sure helped him move out too.

*fade to dream sequence*

running
odis is running... with swirling colors all around him.... he is so
tired, yet his legs move as if independent from his body... he is reaching..
for light... Enlightenment! at last! wait.. no.... it is moving... changing..
its, its... its a chick! Odis reaches some more... must.... must....
noooooooooooooo!

*fade out of dream sequence*

waking drenched in sweat, in a long silky white robe in the middle of the
night is not exactly wonderful or stupendus. or mediocere even. and yet that
is how odis awoke, and much to his suprise he staired into a tremendous set
of eyes, accompanyd by a snout and rather chimp-like breath. it was bad
enough to rot wood, and it was writhing around in Odis's lungs, causing his
waking up to be even more traumatic.

and then the thing spoke: "hey, you, aye? you got any draft? i need some
draft, aye!" odis was suprised at the canadian accent, but it told him
perfectly what the feck the thing in the dark was... a pig-monkey. and from
the smell of things, he was quite drunk but was in the mood for more
alcahol. not suprising, considering pig-monkeys are very good with thier
liquor. but a pig monkey this far south? and this drunk? somethin didnt jive
in odis's head...

"hey, gimme some fecking draft!" the pig monkey started feeling up odis,
who was still groggy to begin with, and with a little murmering from the
lips of the warrior cleric, the pig monkey was levitated upside down,
urinating on itself and screaming bloody hell. the urinating and the
screaming were the result of the drunkenness of the pig monkey, however,
being that odis was a nice guy and didnt use the urnating on self trick
unless you pissed him off. as odis paced back and forth and avoided the
streams of urnine, the pig monkey slowly fell off into a drunken stupor. the
urinating did not stop however, and odis was amazed at the sheer bladdersize
of the critter and the quantity of beer that it must have drunk. odis
recited the words to create light, much like cramer's blue balls, and
he could clearly see the drunken animal. it was brown, with patches of hair
missing as if it was savagely beaten with reeds [where someone would get
reeds this far north isn't important] his face looked as though someone up
his family tree a genereation or two had married thier sister, and one
nostel of his snout offered evedence of a recent bloody nose.

"huh." thought odis, "poor bugger got the daylights beat out of him...
and recently to boot." It was about that time that he heard some rustling in
the bushes to his left, where he had first seen the creature. "great, what
now?" though odis as he turned to see, much to his dismay, a 6 goat
contingent of the LOG, armed to the teeth and as gay as they came.

"give us that little rasthcal" chimed the frontmost goat, who odis
assumed to be the leader "his butt-oxth is ourth!"

"yeah!" chirped a smaller goat to the left of the lead goat, who happened
to be chained together. the head goat immeadetly wacked the smaller one over
the head with a decent sized purple dildo, and the smaller one collapsed
into unconciousness. "bitchthh" was the only remark the head goat had, and
turned back to the matter at hand.

there was no time, tho, because as soon as odis saw the purple dildo
raised, he sped off in the opposite direction, pulling the upside down pig
monkey, still urninating [amazing! thought odis] with him. it seems the pig
monkey had started to mumble in his stupor, and was singging his rendtion of
'beat it'. odis, as he lept over shrubs and rocks, and the occasonal penguin
couple, considered beating him till he shut up, but didnt want to stop and
give the goats the chance to catch up. he could hear that they had split up
now, and were attempting to reach him before he reached the river that split
the southmark from the northern forests. eventually the drunk got to the
point of forgetting all the words and humming, and odis could hear the goats
yelling and, uh, 'baaaaah-ing' behind him. they seemed close now, but odis
could also hear the rushing water ahead of him. he obviously was not headed
for a ford. that worried odis. as the trees abrubtly stopped, and the sound
of the goat hooves on the groud drowned out the drunken noise, odis's heart
sank... he had ran directly to the edge of a cliff, with the water some 30
feet below him, and a cliff on the opposite side, 50 yards away. if he
jumped in the water, he might be able to get away while the goats inflated
thier swimmies and put them on. but chances are they were already inflated,
and on, cause the goats seemed to find them fashonable.

'oh well, here goes nothing!' thought odis as he stepped back a few feet,
and jumped.