The Beginnings

The Lord of the Goats scenario all started last year, when I was bored on IM and was talking to my good friend BryCramer (more on him below), and when asked the fabled question that we all know and love, the witty, most cleverly phrased "Sup?", I responded that my house was under a goat attack. I awaited the Lord of the Goats to make a peace treaty (which treaty was betrayed quite quickly), and it all blossomed from there. So that's where it started.

Anyways, the topic of the Lord of the Goats has been up for much debating and excited discussion in dark corners. People have whispered his name in uh...dark corners...damn fantasy novel clichés...anyway, the Lord of the Goats, or LOG as we like to call him, is a creature created of pure mind, a creature of darkest, purest evil (although purity is an ascribed characteristic of goodness, so that would mean the LOG is partly good, therefore his nature is completely...uh...fecked).

Hmm... A few key things to grasp so this makes sense to non-LOGers:

GoldenAstralhawk = Rob = Lord of the 2nd half of the goats, stolen away from the LOG in an early peace treaty gone terribly awry. Sadistic dictator concerning statue building, but a nice guy all around. Chief weapon is a sword called Testiculus Leonis, Latin for "Lion's Balls". He is known for training his warrior goats in the fine art of candlemaking.

OdySpunkmire = hmm...Ody = Lord Ody of Spunkmire carries the great axe Wellhung, forged by homosexual transvestite midgets. He is the lord of the pig-monkeys, the dreaded wielders of sporks. The pig-monkeys and Rob's goats are allies in the fight 'gainst the LOG.

BryCramer = gee... = You won't see his name up here, cuz he isn't the master of any territory or any province, he just likes to laugh and laugh and laugh. Maybe one day he'll actually contribute more than ideas to the LOG saga, perhaps with a story or a web-shrine?? Hmm?? Free-loader! The party penguin's gonna get ya!

And thusly, we enter the world of the Lord of the Goats....

OdySpunkmire: the goats are in full bloom tonight, my friend
GoldenAstralhawk: The goats, I can hear them crying, sobbing their little hearts away at the cruelty they feel inside... 
GoldenAstralhawk: I weep for them, friend...I weep for them. 
OdySpunkmire: soon, the tyriny of the LOG will be ended! and all goats can rejoice [before the purposes of thier future master are reilised] 
GoldenAstralhawk: The masses have quieted and all is at rest. The goats have lots of spunk, but their fight is weak. I am stronger in the force. 
OdySpunkmire: is the battle ended for the night then, my force-weilding friend? 
GoldenAstralhawk: No, the fight is always renewed shortly after. What we fight are only scrimmages on the edge of a greater battle, a part of a greater war. What we do is here is not negligable, however, let thee not think that we are so easily humbled, so easily defeated in the eyes of the LOG, we are strong! We will conquer! 
GoldenAstralhawk: That last part ran together and didn't quite go...uh..together. Damn 2 of the same words in a sentence. I hate that.
 OdySpunkmire: with words so wise, and feet so swift, and arms so strong, how can one be conqured? 
GoldenAstralhawk: His honey-tongued words that let fly the enslaved masses to their graves are but soured when showered upon the deafened ears of our super-goats. The people know the truth; in their heart they know that our cause is right (*cough fools cough*). 
OdySpunkmire: ha ha ha 
GoldenAstralhawk: The goat may be swift upon his home turf, but the cheetah can take his ass down and pin it down, finger finger, and we be outta there!...wow that got twisted quick. 
OdySpunkmire: ah, your true colors are revealed. You wish not to dispose the LOG, but become the LOG yourself! away, foul creature tainted by the darkness! 
GoldenAstralhawk: The darkness take not me but thee, man! The LOG has you in his grip to thinkest thou me of the LOG so! 
OdySpunkmire: then, with your army of super goats, your evil plan will be set to motion! children everywhere bowing to idol of thee! 
GoldenAstralhawk: Is mine idol such a bad thing to glimpse? The idol you see before you is much better than that of LOG! We are two different ideologies, my Goddess in the depths of the heavens, man! Why cannot you see? heh 
OdySpunkmire: only mine own eyes, and the witless eyes of my children, the transvestite miniture pig monkeys can see the tainted ness of the LOG's and thine own Purpose is the same! oh, shall the goats have no peace? 
GoldenAstralhawk: The goats shall have the peace they seek in their graves, if they want it there! Damn them to hell man, carest thou not of the freedom they have when they are unenslaved! What of your pig monkeys, the children of a fallen battler 'gainst the LOG's minions. For shame to bring the battle to me instead of to him, the foul one of wretched glories. 
OdySpunkmire: Nay, let us put these things behind us, lest we forget the pure and un-darkened place we came from, and the judgement that awaits us all, man and goat alike. And of my battles with the LOG, he has not yet come against my boarders, against my ramparts and my pig-monkey trees.
 OdySpunkmire: the skirmishes my pig-monkeys have enured have not been for thier own, but for you 
OdySpunkmire: [Man, this would make an awsome vidio game] 
GoldenAstralhawk: [heh, yeah] Yes, I salute the efforts of your valiant warriors. Their deaths have not been in vain, nay, for I, the Great Robert!, shall bring the fight to them first hand! On the morrow, mine hand shall bring the battle with the Wondrous Sword, "Lion's Balls". 
OdySpunkmire: Ist this a decloration of war, mighty cousin? or dos thou wish me to make a mightier contribution to thine war-craft? And of "Lion's Balls" I take no heed, for i have a stronger weapon, forged in the depths of the stronghold of the Homosexual Dancing Midgets, the mighty Axe Wellhung! 
GoldenAstralhawk: Heh. Alright dude, that's just too much. *ROFLMAO*
 GoldenAstralhawk: You have won the skirmish for now, my friend. 
GoldenAstralhawk: :-) 
OdySpunkmire: ha ha! 

Ody Spunkmire: what? i dont make the 'friends' list? its a conspiracy, i swear. and the monkeys. always getting to cut in line. and they always get the good jello. not the grape, mind you, only the midgets in knee-highs get the grape, but the monkeys get the bustleberry on any account. which reminds me of a story about a certain duck in old england with a bit of a limp and some sort of hammer/mallet in his beak..... 

GoldenAstralHawk: The LOG knew how to gauge his time. He didn't attack the neighboring city-state of pig-monkeys until the feast of Saint Barnabus, when all the little piggies were swinging throught he trees. The goats had a feast of pig snouts and monkey's tails the next day. My God, I've never seen such carnage. The broken forks, sweet Jesus, the broken forks in the asses, and the penguins wept, but they never helped...they..never..helped...
Ody Spunkmire: aye man, the cries of my people rise far into the night sky. the child-pig-monkeys who lost both parents.... the pigs without hair, so there basicly swine in drag... the horror. 
GoldenAstralhawk: Those that survived would forever tell the tale of the slaughter of the bloody Day of St. Barnabus. The grandfatherly pigs would oink and twist their tails, rocking and lamenting over the quantities of pork roasting the midsummer's sun.
 Ody Spunkmire: and what of my great forest city? and of my royal bochi-ball team? and the dueling sporks, what of them?
 GoldenAstralhawk: The loss of the sporksters was great indeed. It wasn't until Sir Oinkla of Weecheechee was born that we had a new hope for the spork fights. Again the world would see the torment and wrath that goes into dueling sporks. bocci ball, too, returned to us, but that is a long story, involving many swine whose names cannot be named for fear of tyrranical rebuttal. 
Ody Spunkmire: oh man. i guess i lost my solid-silver shitter too then, huh? 
GoldenAstralhawk: Probably. Unless the goats ate it. I shudder to think of the consequences of that, though. 
GoldenAstralhawk: A blow straight to the heart of LOG indeed.

GoldenAstralhawk: They crept silently through the trees in the shadows of the night. Fog glistened in the air, glowing slightly green at the ill-placed tinge of pig fart. When they reached the spot, they all stopped, wrapping monkey tails around their feet for warmth and watched the night sky. Slowly, softly, a gentle oinking filled the air. It was not just an ordinary snout-busting, but a long, drawn out snort. With a tear crawling down your cheek, you realize...the pig-monkeys are singing... 

GoldenAstralhawk: I think I'd have to say that the goats' favorite food is chocolate sprinkles. It really seems to perk them up. They could be toiling all day and all night for me and the rebuilding of my statue (which was crushed in a LOG raid) and those chocolate little goodies just excite them so much. Now, maybe the pig-monkeys spiked 'em with LSD, or maybe they really came out of my ass, but who can deny them something they love? I certainly don't want to see their weeping, unhappy faces baahing at me when they enter the cafeteria, just managing to juggle the tray to the counter with their little goat-hooves and find out that "Yes, there is pudding, but no, we only have rainbow sprinkles." To the goats, chocolate sprinkles are a tradition, an honor to be beheld in the mouth, so I can say with certainty that you lunch ladies better wise the feck up, before you have a goat stampede on your ass!

GoldenAstralhawk: If the LOG tried to take over Dorney, I think that'd be cool. That's it, I just think that'd be cool.

 GoldenAstralhawk: And lo, there came from high a goat whose hooves were so shiny that it blinded his fellow goats. They knelt and said unto him, "Baaahgar, thou art surely the most skilled warrior of us all, with thy hooves so shiny. Wilt thou lead us in the war with the LOG?" Baaahgar accepted with pride this post and lead his friends into battle on the morrow. Only his severed goat-head was returned. When the glittery hooves were gone they realized that 'twas not Baaahgar the Magnificent, but Baaahgar the Pig-monkey Wearing a Goat-suit. Beware thus, my friends, whenever the goat's hooves seem to glitter, it surely cannot be fate, but an old friend turning a trick gone horribly bad.

GoldenAstralhawk: The history of the penguins goes far back indeed, unto the dawn of time when Bright-and-Shiny, Silvery-Glittery, and Good-and-Plenty created the world. They created everything we see and know to be good. But to guard against the coming of evil, they needed servants, and thus were the penguins born. Known originally as the "Little Walking Suits" or "Little Black Crackers", they fulfilled their purpose of wandering around, looking, poking, prodding, examining for signs of evil. It wasn't until the tyranny of the LOG began that everyone realized that the penguins never got involved. Being born of neutrality, they refuse to take part unless they are threatened. Never, ever go up to a penguin and ask to see his dapper flappers...it is a mistake few alive can say they've made... 

 GoldenAstralhawk: "I tell you man, dem penguins is mad twisted, yo!" bespoke one goat of another. "Dem's iz gots the mad shiznits powerfuls eyez. Freeze you in you balls with one stare, man, like whoaaa...I'm frozen in my balls." 

GoldenAstralhawk: Well one time, this feller here over in Portstown, ya prolly know the guy...well this feller done gone and made a mistake in feelin' up the LOG's current provider-in-pleasure, if you get my drift, ya know, the loose goose, the female goat the LOG's currently fucking the stuffing's out of, anyhow, the LOG got so freaking pissed off at this here feller that he..uh...he did something, but...where am I? 

 GoldenAstralhawk: The weirdest thing I've ever seen? Well, that'd have to be that one time when we got that penguin drunk. See, these penguins are always walking around, doing their little penguin jig all over the countryside, but do they ever stop to take time off? Nope. They just keep right on walkin'. So me and these guys decided one night to waylay one in the trees. We'd been drinking, so I dunno if this even happened, but we saw this freaking black and white blur moving through the trees. Well, this fecker musta been goin' at least 100 miles an hour, cuz we just saw this blur. But somehow we managed to grab and wrestle 'im to the ground. And what'd we do? We poured beer all over him and lit the little bastard on fire! What now, bitch? Don't be all...callin'....momma...ho... 

GoldenAstralhawk: Ma'am... ma'am...just listen to me, ma'am.. That penguin was in the road for a reason. He wanted to die that night. There's nothing you or anyone else could have done. It was all in that little penguin. *pause* Yes, ma'am I know it was a shame to see him lying in the road like that, looking untouched and peaceful except for the fact that he was lying on his back, his beak sort of twisted awry and his peg leg broken off... Ma'am, ma'am! If you don't calm down I can't do anything for you... Ma'am, could you please step away from that ledge...ma'am...ma'am? Shit, that's another one. Goddamn hit-and-run penguins, screwin' up more people day by day, I'll tell you what, if I ever find that little pecker, I'm gonna...*fading footsteps...a door closes* 

 GoldenAstralhawk: The ducks haven't really been getting a good rap lately. I mean, just because they float upside down on the surface of the water and flip up like bulemics on an empty, untaken jar, that doesn't mean we should try to hunt them down and kill them. I mean, what about the reverse glass-bottom boat effect? Where else would we get to see the bottom of a duck like that? So what if they are vampiric carnivores with the coming of the witching hour? I mean, honestly people, if you're out that late you deserve to get duck-mauled!! 

 GoldenAstralhawk: "Onward! Onward, hail! Testiculus Leonis into battle forward cries! With the coming of the dawn, the goats will come to die, Let us not weep for the goats that shall not be slain in vain, for the pig-monkeys shall avenge them all with Wellhung in their midst, the Lord of Goats shall come and come and come into his..hmm..." -- Battle Cry Of The 3rd Battalion Of Lord Rob's Goats. 
EDITOR'S NOTE: I, Lord Rob, humbly apologize for that last mini-story... It fecking sucked ass.. hmm...yeah baby, suck that ass, yizeah! *adjusts collar and nods* Yeah, uh... carry on! 

GoldenAstralhawk: I threw a frisbee at a duck the other day. It turns out that they do have a weakness. It can smack 'em in the bill and make 'em dizzy, giving you time to run, or it can take out their legs and let their cybernetic eye-laser scramble all over the place. There is new hope for those afearèd of the ducks...the frisbee manufacturers have pumped out so many of those stupid fecking things fora reason...to wound waterfowl...yes...to wound waterfowl...

GoldenAstralhawk: unfortunately, I did in fact throw a frisbee at a duck, but it wasn't the other day, it was about an hour ago.

ODYspunkster : hahahahahahahahahaha

GoldenAstralhawk: I didn't know ducks could scream.

ODYspunkster: wow, niether did i

GoldenAstralhawk: they can make a quick, sustained high pitch whining that I must take for screaming. Sure enough, another male duck came over and helped fly her away..lol

ODYspunkster: i like it when the goats run tru the fields of barrroon, the great field surrounding thier oddly shaped mudd huts.

ODYspunkster: they sleep by leaning against a pole, you know...

GoldenAstralhawk: We were out late one night and my friend decided to find a prostitute. There were several of them on the upcoming corner, so we decided to send him ahead so he could pick one up in peace. After ten minutes, he comes back, lipstick-smeared face, and beak marks all over his uncovered chest. Walking hand-in-fin with him was a hottest penguin we'd ever seen. Oh boy, for a buck and quarter, he was a lucky guy indeed.

ODYspunkster: so ut'garr the retarded bunglefruit salesman pigmonkey stumbled into this goat encampment, rite? anyway, he stumbles, he stumbles, he stumbles into this mean-ass encampment of these meat goats, and, damn, are they horney. not just goat-in-heat horny, they are fecking-the-ground-they-walk-on-as-they-march horney [which, by the way, is a sight i'd encourage you to see if you ever get the chance... the way they still make penitration while doing the so-called 'bovine step' is amazing] where was i? hand me the scotch...*chugs from bottle for a sec* ahhhh thats better... ok, back to the goats.... so they listen to him for a bit, they try on his bunglefruit picking dresses, they taste his gargle-jam... then when he's droolin like he trusts them [he always drooled, hes retarded mind you, but he has distinctive trusting and distrusting drools] anyway, theys come up, they come up, i say they come up and Wham-o! there it is in his butt faster than you can say "cock-in-a-goatey" but ya know what? the dang fool dont mind! he just sat there droolin, and eventually the whole dang flock had thier turn, gingerly shoving what God gave em into this there streached anus and leavin behind a bit o' themselfs if ya get my drift. when they were finished they just kinda dropped off to the side and fell asleep... well, they wake up the next mornin, and the pigmonkey aint moved a mucele all nite.. hell, he was standin ankle deep in a pool of his own drool. then, then, i say, then..... *falls asleep*