Rules For The Bathroom (Guys)

1. The most important rule. Always leave at least one urinal between you and your fellows. Your best bet is to stay by the wall, at the end of the line, cutting your odds in half of having a.. "partner"...

2. Never make eye contact, unless it is with the outside world (like via a mirror). Eye contact with girls (don't ask 'til you've been) requires a smile and nod.

3. Never talk to people with exposed body parts. Limited no-eye contact conversation with those waiting or washing up is permitted, as long as it is short and to the point.

4. No alcoholic beverages are permitted you sick little monkey.

Rules For The Eating Of Cereal

(Many thanks to the sister of Lord Rob for providing the basis for this rant)

1. Never, EVER leave the cereal bowl unattended. This is key. You know how "dangerous" it is to leave your open drink unattended (yeah, like the people I know would want to hurt me...) at a party? Cereal's even worse. Sogginess is your enemy.

2. If sogginess is the enemy, Time is the bringer of sogginess. Eat your cereal as quickly as possible. Never let it sit out, never pour the milk and go do something else. Once the milk is poured, you don't leave that fecking table until every last drop of sustenance is gone.

3. Water is for the weak and the poor. If you've got more than a buck in your pocket, we would prefer you to use cow-udder squeezin's like the rest of us.

4. Only the uncultured drink the remaining milk from the bowl without lapping it up with a spoon. Use the spoon. It is you staff to lean on in your journey. It will aid you.

5. Don't stick your fingers in other people's cereal, and do not tolerate the same from anyone else.