Men And Women|
Men's and women's magazines are very different. What's interesting aobut women's magazines is their preoccupation with men:
- How to tell if he's lying.
- How to stop him snoring.
- How to make him a better person.
The articles constantly emphasise a basic philosophy: if we can't live without men, let us at least try to change them. Women get to be embarrassed too.
- 6 exercises for your love muscles.
- Sports medicine and your love muscles.
Men's magazines do not constantly give guys advice on how to deal with her period. Or how to stop her bullshit from getting to you. Or how to change her. Men's magazines reveal that men tend to mind their own business. We care about women, even celebrate them. We also celebrate the geeky guy who gets the beautiful model. But that's as far as it gets. Men's magazines do not offer one-page quizzes to see if a couple is compatible. We don't ask if a marriage can be saved. We don't offer quick makeup tips. Men's magazines are more about fashion and getting ahead of business. I think biker magazines are the only publication that deal seriously with women, as in "How to make your chick look tough on your Harley".
Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck. And in the end, we all end up with station wagons.
On The Ground
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is that place? About 20 minutes." But it doens't work the other way. "When do you get off work? Around 3 miles."
Have you ever been walking down the street and there's a car following you because they think you're going to your car and they want your space? Isn't it weird when a car is going the same speed that you're going? You notice that you stop, they stop, you turn, they turn. It's having your own giant remote control car. You could break into a sprint or try running into a wall. You can weave back and forth, the guy gets pulled over for drunk driving. It's fun.
It seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it were a nervous, hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it just goes, "Waahaahaahaa!" Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everyone wants to draw that much attention to themselves. Wouldn't it be nice if you could have a car alarm that's a little more subtle? Someone tries to break into your car and it goes, "Uh, ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm like that.
Out And Back
Went out to dinner the other night, check came at the end of the meal as it always does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system. Because money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat, money has very little value. When you're hungry, you sit down in a restaurant, you're like the ruler of an empire. You don't care about the cost. You want maximum food in minimum time. "More drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly. Fried things in the shape of a stick or ball. It will be the greatest meals of our lives." Then, after the meal, once you're full, you can't remember ever being hungry ever in your life. You see people walking in the restaurant, you can't believe it. "Why are these people coming in here now? I'm so full. How could they eat?" You got your pants undone, napkins destroyed, you never want to see food again so long you live. That's when the check comes. This is why people are always mystified by the check. "What is this? How could this be?" They start passing it around the table. "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now, why are we buying all this food?"
I once went to a runaway-model fashion show. I must say I feel the whole concept of models and the modelling industry is counterproductive to the fashion industry. Because when these women are around, who's looking at the clothes? I didn't notice any of the clothes. We're all applauding, "Oh, wonderful, lovely." There're a lot of great looking women here, and we're here too. That's why we're applauding. "We're all in the same room together. Bravo!" Not that I'm impressed with the designer, but come on, everybody can come up with a shirt. It takes real talent to get all these women in one spot. And what's this goofy walk that all the models do? You know that walk? Down the runway like that really have somewhere to go. You know how they're all wiggly, all full of importance and attitude. And then they get to the end and they look around and go, "Well, I guess I'll just go back."
Professional wrestling. The question you have to ask about professional wrestling is also a simple one. If pro wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits pretending to fight? Could you sell this to a promoter? "I'm telling you Jon, millions of people will enjoy watching this. The guys' ll be huge, we'll put them in little suits and they won't really fight." Pro wrestling is the only sport where participants are just thrown right out into the audience and no one in the crowd thinks anything unusual is happening. If you're watching a golf tournament and Tiger Woods goes flying over your head, first of all, I would say you're watching a very competitive tournamet. And how about the referee? That's a great job. You're a referee in a sport with no rules of any kind. How do you screw that up? The referee is kinda like Larry of the Three Stooges. You don't really need him, but it just wouldn't be the same without him. They must get these guys from the same place the Harlem Globetrotters get their refs. There must be this school where they teach you to just kind of run around and not notice anything. They sit you down, show you a film of the rubout scene from St. Valentine's Day Massacre and if you don't see anything illegal going on, then you're hired.
The suit is definitely the universal business outfit for men. There is nothing else that men like to wear when doing business. I don't know why it projects this image of power. Why is it intimidating? "We better do what this guys says. His pants match his jacket." Men love the suit so much, they actually styled our pajamas to look like tiny suits. Our pajamas have little lapels, littls cuffs, simulated breast pockets. Why do you need breast pockets on your pajamas? You put a pen in there, you roll over in the middle of the night, you kill yourself.
Women approach clothes from a different angle altogether. The other day, I was watching women in a departmental store looking at clothes, and I noticed women don't try on the clothes. They get behind the clothes. They take a dress off the rack and they hold it up against themselves. They can tell something from this. They stick one leg way out and kind of lean back. I guess they need to know, "If someday I'm one-legged at a 45 degree angle, what am I going to wear." You never see a man do that. You never see a guy take a suit off the rack, put his head behind the collar and go, "What do you think about this suit? I think I'll get it. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants, I want to make sure. Now what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes, move the shoes."
I love watching women put on their perfume. They're very careful. They have their little stratego areas. Places they think we're going. They always hit the inside of the wrist. Women are convinced that this is the most action-packed area that could ever happen. Why, ladies? What is happening there? Is that in case you slap the guy? He still finds you intriguing.....SMACK! He turns back, "Oh.....Chanel."
Why is it so difficult and uncomfortable to be naked. It's because when you have clothes on, you can always make those little adjustments that people love to do. Hitching, straightening, adjusting. You know, you feel like you're getting it together. "Yeah, pretty good. Feeling good. Feeling pretty good." But when you're naked, it's so final. You're just, "Well, this is it. There's nothing else I can do." That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. I feel it gives me something. I like to get pockets to hang off the belt. Wouldn't that be the ultimate thing? Picture that. To be naked and still be able to put hands in the pockets. I think that would really help alot.
I think the idea behind the tuxedo is the women's point of view that "Men are all the same, we might as well dress them that way." That's why to me, the wedding ceremony is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women, because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding vow isn't, "Do you take Jonathan Lee?" It's "Do you take this man?"
The difference between being single and married is the form of government. When you're single, you're the dictator of your own life. You have complete power. When I give the order to fall alseep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no one can overrule me! When you're married, you are part of a vast, decision-making body. Before anything is accomplished, there's got to be meetings, committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. I think this is the reason why divorce is so painful. You've been impeached and you weren't even the President.
During this time of the year, it's either pre, during or post exam period for every student. I suppose everyone should have mastered some kind of technique to tackle with their respective tests. For those who had had their exams, sorry that I was late with this. Those who are or will be sitting for their papers can benefit from some of the examination preparation tips I find useful based on my own experience:
1. Never work on an empty stomach. This usually makes you think of tomorrow's lunch and can be very distracting. Fill yourself up before getting back to work. And since you'll not be drawn the the fridge on occasional intervals, you can concentrate on spending the next 6 hours or so burying your face in books. You'll absorb more knowledge and get an increased amount of fat due to your immobility as an added bonus.
2. Never work on a full stomach. Your body will be too preoccupied with digesting your recent intake. More blood is deployed to your digestive systems to absord the necessary nutriens and therefore, not enough flows to your brain to execute its normal ability. Don't force yourself. Go to sleep. Study when you just wake up.
3. Never study when you just wake up. You'll probably still be drifting in dreamland and wishing that the exams are over and won't have your full heart for the task ahead. Go back to sleep.
4. As hard as you try to remember something, information always escapes your memory. What's the point of memorizing then? Put the book down and grab a copy of FHM and start filpping away. Similarly, as hard as you try to study, you'll find that you're still at that bloody page of the book at the end of the day.
5. During the exam, if the answer doesn't come to you immediately after you read the question, then it probably will never.
6. When all seems hopeless, cheat. It may sound unprofessional, but that's how politics work. You should learn to take credit for what others had done.
Coffee vs. Alcohol
My coffee addict friends took me on a shopping trip to the recently opened Ikea furniture store at Richmond to search for a coffee table. Why do people like coffee so much? Some say they drink it when they want to losen up. But I think they add so many complications into your life. You'll need coffee breaks, coffee tables, coffe table books, coffee mugs. Alcohol, on the other hand, is the way to go if you need to simplify things. You lose your job, wife, driving license.....